I'm not jealous but he always says that when we argue! How do I handle it?


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  • #527661 Reply

    kaye

    Ladies, I had a stupid disagreement last night with my boyfriend of 10 months and now he’s being quiet and withdrawn. We’ve only exchanged one text today and he rarely goes more than 3-4 hours without checking in with me. This weekend was amazing. We saw each other Friday night, had a great discussion about our weeks, had amazing sex, he worked all day Saturday and we went out to dinner that night, took a romantic stroll on the beach afterwards and looked at the stars. Then Sunday morning he got up and was eager to work on projects around my house we had discussed. So we did a few projects, went to lunch together and then went our separate ways for a few hours while he ran some errands and I went to get my kids. Then he came back and we did more projects around my house and everything was fine until his phone is ringing just as we’re finally ready to sit down and relax and have a drink on the porch before he grills dinner. It’s an ex girlfriend who he keeps in touch with and they’ve been good friends for years and I’ve always understood and been cool with it. (We even discussed this fact Fri night) She leaves a long voice message and I said why don’t you just call her back. She was asking if he could bring her something from his work for a project. It just so happens she needed 2 of them and I have two of them at my house right now. He asked while he was on the phone with her and I said she could have mine and she said God Bless you.

    It’s been awhile since they’ve talked and I could hear that she was updating him about her boyfriend and some trips they were taking and she must have asked us to meet her and her boyfriend somewhere because he said, thanks for the invite but we’re just about to grill. So I just left them to talk and catch up while I did other things. He talked to her for probably 15 mins. I walked back outside just as he’s getting off the phone with her in time to hear him say, “well they were going in the trash anyway, glad you can use them, no problem!” So I walked up to him and said no, they aren’t trash. My uncle got those for me for that project I wanted us to do. I showed you the picture remember? So he said well “I fucking forgot. I’m sorry”. (immediately with the attitude here!) I said it just makes me mad that I’m doing her a favor and you’re like….they’re going in the trash. And he said “no….you’re mad because I was talking to her!” I said I was the one who told you to call her back while you were here!!

    At this point I’m really irritated. It seems like every time we get in a silly disagreement about something he accuses me of being jealous! We really don’t argue that much. Maybe 4 times in 10 months that I can remember? But this has nothing to do with him talking to her and every thing to do with the fact I’m doing her a favor by giving her these and having to find more for MY own project, and he makes it sound like I’m giving her my trash! He knows things just don’t mysteriously show up at my house. They are there for a reason and I HAD told him about it. He said “any other time you would have said…don’t you remember sweetie, I had those for my project? But you came at me with an attitude and got all pissed because it was her.” I didn’t think I had an attitude or got pissed at all. I was simply stating a fact. If it were his mom he was on the phone with I would have reacted the same way. (I wish I had thought to say that last night.) And if I had a problem with it, why would I even offer mine to her? I would just tell him to get her some from work like she was asking. I know it sounds silly, but this girl doesn’t seem to like me. We’ve met a few times. And I wanted this to be a gesture to show her I don’t have a problem with their friendship. I’ve actually done her another favor when we first started dating which she never thanked me for. I know it sounds petty that I’m wanting “credit” for giving these to her but I did make an effort to get them and they aren’t trash and I wanted it to be a gesture from me to her showing I’m cool with her. But he messed that up. I would feel like this with any of his friends. He had another friend I was doing a favor for and he made a point of telling the guy to thank me and let me know he appreciated it.

    I just dropped it, but things were awkward and we sat there making idle chit chat. He barely spoke at dinner with the kids, and he’s usually very talkative and has them laughing with all his stories. He started helping clean up after and I told him to go ahead and go home because it was late and he needed to get something done at his place. As he was leaving he took out my trash and said have a good night. Then he said I love you. And I said it back. And as he’s leaving I said I thought you were going to take those with you tonight. He said “I’ll get them another time.” So he didn’t even take the damn things we’re arguing over!! He texted me on the way home to remind me to lock all the doors because we had gone out all of them for one reason or another that day. I said thanks for reminding me because I had left the front door open the other night.

    Problem is that I’m just still irritated about this whole thing and he’s being unusually distant. He normally calls me before I go to bed, but we only texted our good nights last night. I was kind of glad because I really didn’t want to talk and start an argument again. Anyway, I want to address this once and for all and be done with it. He has had jealous/insecure girlfriends in the past and every time something like this comes up he turns it around like it’s my problem because I’m jealous and insecure. We got in a huge fight over something similar several months ago and broke up for a few days. It’s like he has a trigger that sets him off if someone calls him a player and I have a similar trigger if someone says I’m jealous or insecure. I know his ex wife was crazy jealous always asking where he was, who he was with, what he was doing, and even going places to check up on him only for him to find out later that SHE was the one having an affair for years!! There was also a girl about 6 years ago that he was going to marry but she started acting like his ex wife and he said he just couldn’t marry someone and live his life like that. But you would think by now he would know I’m not like them.

    I know he loves me, he spends all his free time with me, and I’m not worried about this ex at all. So for him to lump me in the same category as some of his crazy jealous, insecure ex girlfriends really gets under my skin! And before some of you say well maybe he’s the type of guy who makes his women jealous and insecure, he’s not. And I’ll give you an example of something that happened one night last week. He had called to tell me he was getting off work around 7 and was going to have dinner and go work out with his friend John ( I had my kids that night). He ended up leaving his phone in his work truck and he doesn’t know my number by heart, so next thing I know I’m getting a call from his mom saying that he wanted to let me know he left his phone and has to go back and get it later. I said thank you for letting me know. She kept asking if I wanted John’s number in case I needed my boyfriend and I said no that’s fine. So 5 minutes later I get a call from an unknown number and it’s my BF on John’s phone saying he’s not sure why he didn’t just get my number from his mom and call instead of having her call. (He had his mom and I exchange numbers months ago.) He said he wouldn’t worry about not having his phone for a couple hours but then his mind starts wandering and he thinks what if I needed him or was trying to get in touch with him and couldn’t reach him? I told him it was sweet of him to worry and let me know. So as you can see, he goes out of his way to make sure I know where he is, who he’s with and where he’ll be most of the time. I appreciate that he does that and it’s not something I have nagged or asked him for. He does it because he wants to and he expects the same from me. I actually got kind of tickled thinking that his mom and his friends must think I keep him on a short leash or something, but that’s not the case at all!!

    So, I know this is a minor stupid little argument and it will blow over soon, but I feel like if I don’t address it we will keep having this same issue and argument over and over. Like it’s going to keep coming up with him because of his past experience. We haven’t talked about it because my kids were there and I won’t see him until Weds night, I’m not sure how to approach this. I have let the other little petty things go because I know guys hate rehashing things, but I feel like there’s some resentment that I’m letting build here if I don’t say something and I allowed that to happen in my marriage and don’t want to make that mistake again. So I’m looking for advice. Do I let it go again? Do I address it? If so, what’s the best way?

    #527665 Reply

    Raven

    Let it go… You’re arguing over carrots…

    #527686 Reply

    Bedazzle

    When ever the emotional reaction is disproportionate to the event, there is usually something deeper going on. I would suggest that you probably do have issues with the ex. Even though your behavior is mature toward her, your emotions are less so. Who cares what she thinks and that she needs to know that the items came from you?

    Is the disruption in your relationship worth her knowing that they came from you?

    #527691 Reply

    Lane

    Hi Kaye.

    Honestly, I think you overreacted a bit here. You came in the end of the convo where the word “trash” seemed to set you off. A simple “no, they weren’t trash as I was going to use them for such and such, but its OK I can easily replace them, so no worries” and left it at that. He apparently felt attacked in your approach that set both of you on a tit for tat.

    It takes two to argue, and it could have been your ‘approach’ at correcting him about the items that may have come off as sarcastic or scolding (how HE received it) which prompted him to respond in the same fashion. I think both of you need to reflect on how you react when either of you say something that invokes that hits the others chord, then boomerangs into an argument.

    #527694 Reply

    kaye

    Bedazzled,

    I see what you’re saying. I didn’t think my reaction was off base or disproportionate until after he got mad and said I fucking forgot. I was surprised by his response and I probably did get more emotional and angry in how I responded back. Of course it’s not worth causing a rift in the relationship over this, but he’s already doing that. I haven’t heard from him since his good morning text this morning and I sent a text at lunch he never responded to. This is out of character for him to go this long without touching base. I’ve already double texted at this point so I’m going to let him reach out.

    I know I really shouldn’t care what she thinks or whether she likes me. It’s just human nature I think to want people to like you. Or at least it is for me. I’m a people pleaser kind of person and it’s very rare for people not to like me. Other than exes or current wives of guys I dated! LOL

    This is just so ridiculous to me because I will reach out and apologize if I feel I’ve overreacted or been unreasonable. But literally all I did was correct him when he said they were trash and let him know I was going to use them. And remind him of what I was going to use them for. So how do I apologize for an “attitude” that I don’t think I even had? It’s hard to be sincere when you don’t feel like you did anything wrong, you know?

    #527698 Reply

    Mae

    I have a slightly difference perspective.

    I think he might have felt SLIGHTLY bad/guilty (his issue) from the get-go that he spent time on the phone with his ex girlfriend during your “alone time” even though it was you who said to call her back. I think he may have been subconsciously pushing your buttons a bit to see how far you’d go, and he was looking for something within him to snap so as to validate himself if that makes sense. It sounds like he was projecting this SLIGHTLY bad feeling onto you. He chose to be set off by your original reaction to the “trash” comment and quickly turned it around on you, accusing you of jealousy. Where’s the transition? There isn’t one. Hence the projection. And do keep in mind his past baggage you mentioned. Insecurities. Projected.

    On the other hand… Of course, your tone, cadence, and inflection could have had a lot to do with it, so it’s hard to say if you were overreacting. There seems to have been a communication breakdown.You say you have no problem with the ex, and that could very well be true, but I’m sure you’d still prefer if she were out of the picture. Who wouldn’t?

    #527699 Reply

    Jippity

    Hi Kaye,

    I can tell that you’re frustrated with the false accusation of jealousy, which seems to be entirely your BF’s issue.

    The thing is, you haven’t met her and that makes a big difference to the dynamic, I think.

    Plus, him always falsely accusing you of jealousy means that you don’t get to voice the real problem and your real feelings about it.

    I had an ex last year who used to do the same thing and it drove me nuts to be constantly accused of it, and not ever really get my feelings heard. It’s almost like being silenced and you wonder if this person even knows you at all.

    I know there’s a golden rule here of never texting relationship issues but with my ex it was the only way to ever get my point across.

    Personally, I would send a text saying something like..

    “I’m sorry that you misunderstood what I was trying to do. I felt that offering (EX) the items was a large friendly gesture on my part. I felt that you telling her that they were trash downplayed my gesture and it upset me. I would feel the same if it were any of your male friends too.”

    I hope he manages to get past his issues on this. It must be very frustrating. x

    #527702 Reply

    Jippity

    Sorry, I meant to also add that rather than an overreaction on your part, I think this was a buildup of frustration because he *always* accuses you of jealousy every time you argue, and that’s far more to do with his issues from past relationships than anything to do with you.

    I think you need to deal with the root of the problem with him, or you’ll always be accused of jealousy rather than you guys ever sorting anything out.

    #527705 Reply

    kaye

    Lane,

    I always love your advice and think you’re so level headed! Yes, he did react like he felt I was attacking him. I guess I’m just having a hard time seeing it from his point of view. I felt like I was being more than accommodating: Telling him to call her back during the few minutes we had been able to sit down and actually talk to each other all day, agreeing for her to have them so he didn’t have to bother getting some others, leaving him alone so they could talk in privacy. I just don’t think a lot of girlfriends would have handled the situation as well when their guy is talking to an ex.

    So I did react to him implying I was being jealous and that did set me off. And yes it became an argument from there. And I didn’t do anything to diffuse the situation because I felt like I was “right”.

    Mae,

    I can see some truth to your perspective. He had never talked to her before during “our time” together although he will answer calls from his male friends or call them back (always asking if I mind) when we are together. I didn’t want to treat her any differently than I would a call from them. And he may have felt guilty because she is a talker and he was just listening and making a face and doing his hand like she wouldn’t shut up. That’s when I stepped back in the house to work on dinner. And I can’t swear that I didn’t have a “tone” when I “corrected” him on the use of the word trash. It could have come off like I was scolding him for not remembering he had agreed to yet another project for me. :)

    And one thing about the ex, when we first dated, they used to work out everyday, hang out together, go to movies together etc. And he always told the girls he dated, if they had a problem with her, then they had a problem with him. But now that we’ve committed to each other this time, he doesn’t work out with her or hang out with her because he’s spending all his time with me and he’s even gotten to where he won’t answer her calls or text her back sometimes. And there was a time when she left him a nasty message saying I know you’re dating someone so I don’t know why you can’t return my call. He told me about that and I said, oh now I’m someone? She knows me and she knows my name!!

    Jippity,

    Thank you for understanding my frustration. Our last big fight the same thing happened. He has always told me that if I had an issue then I needed to discuss it with him. So he had a huge crisis at work and he was pulling up numbers on his phone and I saw the name of an ex (different ex-this is the one he was going to marry). I thought it was in his text messages and they were back in contact. But because of what was going on with work he was leaving town immediately and would be gone for 3 days and had come by my office to tell me bye. So I waited until he got back to ask him. He had a terrible few days out of town, just wanted to get back to me and spend time with me and de-stress and he accused me of “attacking” him as soon as he walked in the door. He said I was jealous and insecure and she was in his contacts, not his texts that he hadn’t talked to her in years. He showed me on his phone and said he needed to rethink our relationship if I was going to act this way and it went downhill from there. Turned into a huge fight where he walked out saying we were done. It was a few days later we talked and reconciled he actually started talking about selling his business. That the stress and lack of sleep had caused him to over react and he told himself at the point that his work started affecting our relationship he was going to do something else.

    I do feel that I have to be careful how I react or what I say. To the point I’m getting scared to bring up an issue. But I really didn’t think this conversation was going to go this way.

    Still haven’t heard from him. :( If he doesn’t call me after work like he normally does then I guess I will have to send a text “peace offering”. Your text sounds pretty good and along the lines of what I might do.

    Oh and I have met her on several occasions. The last time I saw her she totally blew me off and didn’t even acknowledge that I was there. Maybe that’s why I was trying to be nice. But since the I know you’re dating “someone” comment it makes me wonder if she has some unresolved feelings there for him. He’s dated me longer than any other woman since she’s known him. Most of his relationships hit the 3 month mark and fizzle out.

    #527717 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Do you want to be right or have a good relationship? Because right will leave you lonely. There was an need to correct him or to do it at that moment. You both acted like babies. Good thing to work on. Neither of you did anything horrible and honestly, it is OK go discuss what was happeneing emotionally for you both to react like this. Talking about the specifics will never be a winning way to grow your relationship.

    #527720 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Do nothing by text. If you have a peace offering or an apology, do it by phone or in person. Like an adult, which you are!

    #527741 Reply

    Bedazzle

    I agree with what Tallspicy said, “Do you want to be right or have a good relationship.” This one concept took me a long time to learn, but makes life so peaceful once you master it.

    If you can try and figure out what you were feeling at the time he said that and why you felt like you needed corrected him, that may give you your answer to what hooked you in that moment. Another question for you to contemplate maybe, is why do you get upset if he says you are jealous?

    I am by no means blaming you, but had you not even responded, this would most likely not have escalated. Plus the only thing you can do is work on yourself anyway. So if any of this is helpful great, if not toss it.

    #527754 Reply

    kaye

    Tallspicy,

    Yes I did CALL him because that is the adult thing to do and would have been my advice to anyone in the same situation. :) Said he didn’t get my lunch text and when I said well he didn’t check in with me regardless he said that the day got away from him and he’s shifting everything around because we decided yesterday we were also going to take Friday off to have a fun 3 day weekend. :) Which i didn’t think about how much more that means he has to get done in just 4 days. Last night didn’t come up so I didn’t mention it.

    Bedazzled,

    Yes if I hadn’t walked out at that moment and heard the end of his conversation no disagreement would have occurred. I guess I was a little irritated that he didn’t remember our discussion about this Pinterest project I wanted us to do and I had even showed him the picture. So maybe for a brief moment I thought he was discounting my feelings to do something for her? Or maybe it’s just because I had only eaten a salad all day and had been doing lots of physical work and was hungry and cranky!! Maybe he should have offered me a Snickers!! Lol

    I guess I get upset when he says I’m jealous because we both agree we hate that in a partner. I dealt with it for 23 years in my marriage with my ex keeping tabs on me in everything and accusing me of things I wasn’t doing and he had the same issue in his marriage. So I associate that with a very negative feeling and know that it has been a deal breaker in relationships for him. We even discussed “healthy” jealousy the other day as opposed to what we both dealt with in our marriages.

    #527756 Reply

    Bedazzle

    So you feeling like he was discounting your feelings, probably does conjure up a little bit of jealousy. And since you both say you hate that in your partner, that makes it sting even that much more.

    We are all jealous to one degree or another, no matter how illogical it is and no matter how evolved we are. So you are just human. It’s all good. I am sure he will come around and you got to see something in yourself that he responded to.

    Again, I am not blaming you for anything. I am “talking” to you since I can only give you advice to help yourself.

    I am sure this will all sort itself out. Just think about the make up sex. That is always fun :-)

    #527787 Reply

    Aaliyah

    Hey Kaye,

    him ‘always’ accusing you of being jealous is a bit weird. It makes me think he’s accusing you of being jealous bcz deep down he has lingering feelings for the ex and subconsciously realizes you should be jealous.

    Alternatively maybe your accomodating attitude is confusing for him and he wonders why you aren’t feeling the jealousy he expects you to feel. Men are possessive and maybe he finds it strange that you aren’t possessive with him.

    I honestly think your martyring yourself a bit when it comes to this ex. Them speaking and keeping in touch occasionally as friends is fine but the contact sounds like it may be quite frequent. I think you may have more of a problem with than you’re willing to admit..even to yourself. There’s a chance You think by being “cool” with their relationship and being accomodating and understanding it will make him realize how awesome you are and appreciate you even more, But in reality he doesn’t expect you to be so accomodating about this (hence the accusation of jealousy) and it’s only building up resentment (hence you flipping out over the trash comment)

    Set some boundaries that make you feel comfortable inside and out. I know you are secure in your relationship but be careful

    #527882 Reply

    kaye

    Aaliyah,

    Thank you for your comments. This isn’t my first rodeo with this guy. LOL The first time we dated he was seeing her every day, working out and on the weekends I had my kids he would go to movies with her etc. That did bother me obviously because I’m just getting to know this guy and trying to figure out the situation with the ex. I even made a comment one time because of his work schedule and my custody schedule that he was seeing her more than he was me. So I got the, “if you have a problem with me being friends with her and you can’t trust me, then WE have a problem” speech. But everyone who knew him and saw them together assured me they were just friends and that he would still work out with her and hang out with her when he dated another girl too.

    So I decided I would learn to live with it. However, when we got back together this time, the more time he started spending with me, the less he did with her. He even changed gyms and got to the point he wasn’t responding back to her texts and calls and she got upset with him. He’s even made the comment that she only calls when she wants something now. Also, the fact that she’s dating someone now has totally changed the dynamic between them.

    They only do have occasional contact now, it’s not like it used to be and I think that’s really bothering her. I think that’s why she was fine with me at first thinking, oh he’ll date her and move on in 2-3 months like he has the others and now that she can see he’s serious about me and we’ve been dating almost a year and he’s devoting all his time to me, she doesn’t like me.

    I think your take that he wants me to be jealous is interesting! I had never thought of it that way, but what if he’s so used to the girls he dates being jealous he thinks my feelings for him aren’t as strong or something?!? Maybe he takes showing jealousy as proving my love or something. The other day we were talking and he made a comment that when we first dated he thought I had unfinished business with my ex husband because I talked about him every day and that is one of the reasons things didn’t work the first time. I asked him if he had unfinished business with any exes and he said no, I don’t even talk to any of them! I said that’s not true, you still talk to EX A (the girl I was referring to in the OP). It’s like he doesn’t even think of the fact they dated anymore because they’ve been friends so long now.

    And I am secure in the relationship. Before I felt like if I had said it’s me or her, then he would have picked her. But now that we’re talking about marriage and the future together, I feel like if I felt their friendship was causing issues or she was doing something to undermine our relationship and I said, it’s me or her, he would pick me. The reason I say that is because he has already told me that about his business. He has a really stressful job that takes a ton of his time. He has had problems in his relationships before where the women haven’t understood that when you run a business, you have to get it done and the buck stops with you. He goes on and on about how grateful he is that I understand that and support him and how thankful he is for me. And that if he had to deal with the stress of this business and the stress of worrying about me getting mad at him over it that he couldn’t handle it. He even told my family in a conversation he said, “If she told me tomorrow it was her or this job. I’d be done.” I can always find something else to do, but I’m not going to let this business affect my personal relationships anymore. She’s too important to me.

    So I guess that’s why I’ve gotten to this point where I am secure in my relationship with him and I’m not jealous of her. And let me tell you it feels really good to be here!! :)

    #527889 Reply

    Hannah

    Kaye, I think he’s projecting his previous experiences of women into you.

    My husband did this for the first few years we got together and it drove me crazy! There’s nothing as annoying and frustrating as being told you’re feeling a certain way when you’re not. My husband would even say “I know you feel like that, don’t deny it”.

    I found it very insulting because he wasn’t taking me as a person into account, he was lazily basing is assumptions on past women. Also, I know how I feel! He should trust I’m showing him who I am and not trying to manipulate him or anything.

    I think your guy over-reacted because, as Mae said, he felt bad talking to her when he was with you, plus he expected you to be jealous and was stressed as a result. Like Lane said, I think he was expecting an attack. He may have even seen you walking away from him while they were talking as you being upset. He didn’t know you were giving them privacy. Then you say something minor, he’s already stressed and expecting a problem with you, so he snaps and does on the defense.

    Now you’ve had this argument, I would address it. Calmly when you next see each other. I would start by saying sorry for the misunderstanding. Make it clear this was a misunderstanding and you had no bad feelings towards him or his ex at the time. Make it clear you BOTH messed up and you both need to communicate better. Give him a chance to tell you how he was feeling before and during the argument as that’s going to give you the information you need to get this resolved.

    Then he needs some information from you. I would explain what you’re like as a person – that you’re not jealous and you don’t mind him talking to his ex. But what you do mind is him making assumptions about how you feel without asking you. Tell him how angry that made you feel, how much you hate jealous and possessiveness, etc.

    You said “I do feel that I have to be careful how I react or what I say. To the point I’m getting scared to bring up an issue”. This will become a problem in your relationship if you don’t address it head-on. Just make sure any time you bring something up, you do it calmly and with love in your heart. Make it clear you don’t want to win anything, you want to work together to make your relationship even better. If it doesn’t come from a place of criticism or judgement, more “we have this issue, how are we going to resolve it together?”, it works a lot better.

    #527909 Reply

    kaye

    Thank you Hannah!! You total get where I’m coming from and how frustrating and annoying it is to have someone tell you how you feel! It’s like someone saying, you’re mad. And you say no I’m not mad, and they say, yes you are. And you say no I’m really not and they’re like, I know you are! So guess what…NOW you are mad!! LOL

    It’s good to know that your husband finally stopped doing this after a few years. I’m not the manipulative type either. If I’m upset and he asks why then I will tell him. I’m not going to do the “nothing” thing when he asks. He actually is really good at reading me and can tell when I’m upset or tired or having a bad day. It’s nice to have someone like that because my ex husband was at a total loss when it came to my feelings and he wouldn’t even acknowledge them unless I was pissed at him!

    I didn’t think about him seeing me as walking away as me being upset. Looking back when he was covering the phone and saying she’s a talker, and doing his hand gestures, and saying this is going to be like a 10-15 min call, I said then just tell her you have to put the food on the grill. Then I walked away to work on the other items to go with dinner. Maybe he thought I was telling him to get off the phone and do dinner and he saw me coming back outside and commenting on the end of his conversation as being mad he talked to her so long. He did snap and go on the defensive and I was kind of lost as to why. But I think putting together what you, Mae and Lane said, he was feeling a little guilty and expecting an attack, so he saw any reaction from me as that.

    I will see him tomorrow night and I do feel like I need to clear the air. I mean we’re talking and he called to tell me good night last night and I got my good morning baby, have a good day text this morning and things seem to have blown over but I really want to clear this up and not just sweep it under the rug like it didn’t happen.

    I think I want to tell him that just like there are certain words that can set him off, like when someone calls him a player, the jealous/insecure words do that to me. And he always seems to throw those out when we fight. That I know he’s had that experience in the past with women being jealous and insecure and it causing problems in their relationship but I feel like he should know by now that I’m not like his exes and it hurts me when he says those things in a fight. It makes me angry when he tells me how I’m feeling instead of asking me. Then I’ll give him a chance to respond and tell me how he was feeling.

    #527914 Reply

    Hannah

    Kaye, I totally understand how you feel!

    My husband didn’t have an issue with jealousy. He had really bad female role models and some crazy exes, and it was about women being manipulative and not saying how they really felt. So of course, even when I was being honest, he thought I wasn’t. After a while, he got to trust I do mean what I way and if I say I’m fine I am actually fine. But it did take a long time! I guess it’s no different from someone being insecure after the ex cheated or something. Eventually he learnt to trust I wasn’t like his family and exes. Your guy will too I’m sure.

    I think what you want to tell him is exactly what you should tell him. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just a “clear the air” chat. If you sweep it under the rug, it’ll just keep happening. I did that in my marriage for years and it was a disaster! You end up misunderstanding and resenting each other.

    #527922 Reply

    Mae

    Some great insights here. Hannah nailed it. Let us know how it goes tomorrow!

    #527945 Reply

    Van

    First thing, I think it’s important to you that he realizes the measures that you’ve gone through. I think you want some acknowledgement and gratitude from HIM for making an effort to accept his ex-girlfriend, but instead, he is failing to react to the situation as you would like. Perhaps he isn’t fine and good with you being so excepting. I’m not absolutely sure, but maybe he would like to see some resistance from you.

    Have you thought that maybe he isn’t MATURE on every thing? Maybe he has immaturities and foolishness with some topics. I’ve come to learn that sometimes men prefer the resistance and hostilities to occur between the exes and the present girlfriend; it makes them feel macho or “all of that” for some reason. Like I said I’m not 100% positive, but there is a reason he reacted that way and with the sudden mood swing.

    Secondly, it’s ok to let him know calmly that you’re concerned about how he reacted, and be willing to discuss things openly and calmly, but if it turns into something Bigger, then there IS an issue, because this topic is minor, for real.

    P.S. I believe he really cares for you though.

    #528050 Reply

    Sun

    Hi Kaye,

    I think that just you accepting his friendship with his ex-gf deserves a medal. I also get the feeling as @Van said, that he may not be as thrilled as you think that you were very cool with it. I for one would not be able to deal with the situation and I am pretty sure I won’t be in a relationship with him. It’s not that I don’t trust the man. I just don’t trust the woman and certain opportunities for temptations especially with they had intimate history. But that’s just me. I have male friends but not exes. They are all very good men and great husbands but I know that if I seduce them, they will be open to it. I am not saying that your BF is this way and that he’s not strong enough but it’s an issue for me when he told you early on that if you have a problem with it, then you have a problem with him. Really???

    Anyway, I know how much you love and care for this guy and that your relationship with him has progressed very nicely and has gone to a good place. I am also glad to hear that he doesn’t spend “friend” time with as much as he used to. I know you’d probably think this is double standard but certain women are catty to the point that just to boost their ego they will perhaps subconsciously push your buttons because no woman believes that the GF is okay with their BF being “that” friendly (see movies?) with their BF.

    I also believe he loves and cares about you and no one is perfect but I’d definitely would not have welcomed the ex-gf. But that’s just me.

    #529247 Reply

    kaye

    UPDATE: Thank you everyone for your comments!! I appreciate them all! Just wanted to give you an update on what has happened over the weekend. We had a really great 3 day weekend planned and I had decided I wasn’t going to even bring up our argument and risk ruining the weekend. However, something else happened before we left that prompted me to have a “mini talk” so to speak. We’re laying in bed after having been intimate and it was amazing. :) I said I can see doing this forever. He asked what I said because he didn’t hear me. So I repeated it and he’s like umm hmm. I said how do you feel about that? and he’s like yeah.

    Not exactly the response I was hoping for obviously. Even though everything seemed fine I was wondering if this fight was still lingering with him. What if he’s beginning to question a future with me? What if this stupid argument has caused a rift and he’s reconsidering things? So the next morning we’re packing for our trip and I REALLY don’t want to bring this up but it’s just eating me up. I figured I was either going to ruin the weekend dwelling on it the whole time or I was going to have to get it out of the way before we left. So I walk out and ask if I can talk to him about something. He stops what he’s doing immediately and says Uh Oh. So I told him it hurt my feelings a little last night when he didn’t really respond to my question. He said he was sorry and he didn’t realize that. I said I was wondering if his feelings had changed or he was having second thoughts about a future with me. He said how can you say that? Can’t you see by my actions how invested I am in this? He was actually working on something at my house for me and kind of gestured to that. I said I could but we really don’t talk about the specifics of the future and what will happen next or the timing and when he didn’t respond and just kind of grunted, it bothered me. And that he’s not a very vocal guy when it comes to that kind of stuff. He said “I think about the future all the time but some things need to be a surprise.”

    And he said you know men and women are different. You just did something amazing to me and then you want to have a conversation with me?!?! Lol I told him I realized we were different!! And he said he would work on being more vocal in responding in the future.

    So when we went back into the house, I pulled out a surprise I had for him for the trip and he said, “Now why wouldn’t I want to spend the rest of my life with you? You treat me so good!!” I said well you’d be an idiot not to!! :)

    So we head off for our weekend, we’re having a great day but that night after having a few too many fruity drinks, I make a comment that he took the wrong way and it brought up the issue with the ex. I was really just joking but he took it as me trying to bring up the argument we had. So I explained that every time we have a disagreement he says that I’m jealous or insecure. I went into detail about how I didn’t think the ex liked me and I was trying to do her a favor and he discounted it and I got upset. He still said he felt like I was bothered by their friendship and him talking to her or I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did. But then he told me if I had a problem with her then he would stop talking to her. That she wasn’t important enough to him for it to jeopardize our relationship.

    Then he went on to say that it seems something like this happens every 2 months like clockwork. We fight over something silly and trivial. So we both agreed it has to stop. I thought back and he’s right. He said it messes up his whole day too. And how that morning after he sent me a good morning text and he could immediately tell I was still upset by the way I didn’t call him baby or sweetie and I didn’t use an emoji. LMAO He was 100% right but who knew guys thought this way!

    So he said he was going to let me come to him. But unfortunately he didn’t get the text I sent at lunch (we’ve had some technology issues with that in the past too). He said he was checking his phone all day. Since I never heard from him …I thought HE was mad. Luckily the ladies here at ANM had talked some sense into me and I CALLED him and everything went fine.

    All of our conversations about the future and the ex were very calm and low key and no drama. I felt really good about our discussions. So as we’re traveling to our next destination, he starts talking about the future. (Guess he was serious about being more vocal!) What’s going to happen with his business, whether he’s going to do something else entirely or stick with what he’s doing for awhile longer. Said he hates to start something new and commit to it if the plan at some point is for him to start working with me and helping in my business. And how he IS thinking about this kind of stuff and our future all the time. I said well it would be nice if you talked to me about some of what you’re thinking once in awhile so I don’t feel like I’m in this alone or we’re not on the same page. He said I am talking about our future, just not with you. I said then WHO are you talking to. He acted like he shouldn’t have said anything and says did I say talking.. I meant thinking. Not talking to anyone and he smiled this mischievous little smile. So I know he’s up to something. And then he said again.. remember some things are meant to be a surprise! :)

    I think what it boils down to is he’s been single for a long time. And he’s dated a lot of women but never remarried. Also, even the ones he was serious about only lasted 2 years or so. So even though I know he’s invested, know he loves me and know he wants a future with me, there are going to be times when I question whether we’ll actually take that next step. It’s the whole “am I HIS exception?” question. Because we have broken up a couple times before, obviously that sticks in the back of my mind as to whether we’ll have some stupid misunderstanding and he’ll just walk out again and it will be done. At my stage in life, I don’t want to invest my time and energy in someone who’s not in it for the long term. I’m hoping maybe it’s normal to feel that way and not some kind of insecurity on my part.

    And I have to learn to accept the fact that he’s not a mushy, lovey dovey kind of guy who’s going to gush about this feelings for me or the future. He’s the kind of guy who’s going to show me through his actions and I know that. And he does tell me he loves me every day…several times. And I can tell after our talks, he is trying. Because as soon as our amazing weekend was over, it wasn’t an hour before he texted me to tell me that he missed me already and it felt weird being alone. :)

    #529252 Reply

    Sun

    I love your update because it solidifies the truth that when a man truly loves you, there isn’t anything you can say or do to pull away or disappear. When a man loves you, it’s obvious. End of story.

    #529253 Reply

    Sun

    *make him pull away…

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Reply To: I'm not jealous but he always says that when we argue! How do I handle it?
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