I'm not jealous but he always says that when we argue! How do I handle it?

When ever the emotional reaction is disproportionate to the event, there is usually something deeper going on. I would suggest that you probably do have issues with the ex. Even though your behavior is mature toward her, your emotions are less so. Who cares what she thinks and that she needs to know that the items came from you?

Is the disruption in your relationship worth her knowing that they came from you?

Bedazzled,

I see what you’re saying. I didn’t think my reaction was off base or disproportionate until after he got mad and said I fucking forgot. I was surprised by his response and I probably did get more emotional and angry in how I responded back. Of course it’s not worth causing a rift in the relationship over this, but he’s already doing that. I haven’t heard from him since his good morning text this morning and I sent a text at lunch he never responded to. This is out of character for him to go this long without touching base. I’ve already double texted at this point so I’m going to let him reach out.

I know I really shouldn’t care what she thinks or whether she likes me. It’s just human nature I think to want people to like you. Or at least it is for me. I’m a people pleaser kind of person and it’s very rare for people not to like me. Other than exes or current wives of guys I dated! LOL

This is just so ridiculous to me because I will reach out and apologize if I feel I’ve overreacted or been unreasonable. But literally all I did was correct him when he said they were trash and let him know I was going to use them. And remind him of what I was going to use them for. So how do I apologize for an “attitude” that I don’t think I even had? It’s hard to be sincere when you don’t feel like you did anything wrong, you know?

Hi Kaye,

I can tell that you’re frustrated with the false accusation of jealousy, which seems to be entirely your BF’s issue.

The thing is, you haven’t met her and that makes a big difference to the dynamic, I think.

Plus, him always falsely accusing you of jealousy means that you don’t get to voice the real problem and your real feelings about it.

I had an ex last year who used to do the same thing and it drove me nuts to be constantly accused of it, and not ever really get my feelings heard. It’s almost like being silenced and you wonder if this person even knows you at all.

I know there’s a golden rule here of never texting relationship issues but with my ex it was the only way to ever get my point across.

Personally, I would send a text saying something like..

“I’m sorry that you misunderstood what I was trying to do. I felt that offering (EX) the items was a large friendly gesture on my part. I felt that you telling her that they were trash downplayed my gesture and it upset me. I would feel the same if it were any of your male friends too.”

I hope he manages to get past his issues on this. It must be very frustrating. x

Lane,

I always love your advice and think you’re so level headed! Yes, he did react like he felt I was attacking him. I guess I’m just having a hard time seeing it from his point of view. I felt like I was being more than accommodating: Telling him to call her back during the few minutes we had been able to sit down and actually talk to each other all day, agreeing for her to have them so he didn’t have to bother getting some others, leaving him alone so they could talk in privacy. I just don’t think a lot of girlfriends would have handled the situation as well when their guy is talking to an ex.

So I did react to him implying I was being jealous and that did set me off. And yes it became an argument from there. And I didn’t do anything to diffuse the situation because I felt like I was “right”.

Mae,

I can see some truth to your perspective. He had never talked to her before during “our time” together although he will answer calls from his male friends or call them back (always asking if I mind) when we are together. I didn’t want to treat her any differently than I would a call from them. And he may have felt guilty because she is a talker and he was just listening and making a face and doing his hand like she wouldn’t shut up. That’s when I stepped back in the house to work on dinner. And I can’t swear that I didn’t have a “tone” when I “corrected” him on the use of the word trash. It could have come off like I was scolding him for not remembering he had agreed to yet another project for me. :)

And one thing about the ex, when we first dated, they used to work out everyday, hang out together, go to movies together etc. And he always told the girls he dated, if they had a problem with her, then they had a problem with him. But now that we’ve committed to each other this time, he doesn’t work out with her or hang out with her because he’s spending all his time with me and he’s even gotten to where he won’t answer her calls or text her back sometimes. And there was a time when she left him a nasty message saying I know you’re dating someone so I don’t know why you can’t return my call. He told me about that and I said, oh now I’m someone? She knows me and she knows my name!!

Jippity,

Thank you for understanding my frustration. Our last big fight the same thing happened. He has always told me that if I had an issue then I needed to discuss it with him. So he had a huge crisis at work and he was pulling up numbers on his phone and I saw the name of an ex (different ex-this is the one he was going to marry). I thought it was in his text messages and they were back in contact. But because of what was going on with work he was leaving town immediately and would be gone for 3 days and had come by my office to tell me bye. So I waited until he got back to ask him. He had a terrible few days out of town, just wanted to get back to me and spend time with me and de-stress and he accused me of “attacking” him as soon as he walked in the door. He said I was jealous and insecure and she was in his contacts, not his texts that he hadn’t talked to her in years. He showed me on his phone and said he needed to rethink our relationship if I was going to act this way and it went downhill from there. Turned into a huge fight where he walked out saying we were done. It was a few days later we talked and reconciled he actually started talking about selling his business. That the stress and lack of sleep had caused him to over react and he told himself at the point that his work started affecting our relationship he was going to do something else.

I do feel that I have to be careful how I react or what I say. To the point I’m getting scared to bring up an issue. But I really didn’t think this conversation was going to go this way.

Still haven’t heard from him. :( If he doesn’t call me after work like he normally does then I guess I will have to send a text “peace offering”. Your text sounds pretty good and along the lines of what I might do.

Oh and I have met her on several occasions. The last time I saw her she totally blew me off and didn’t even acknowledge that I was there. Maybe that’s why I was trying to be nice. But since the I know you’re dating “someone” comment it makes me wonder if she has some unresolved feelings there for him. He’s dated me longer than any other woman since she’s known him. Most of his relationships hit the 3 month mark and fizzle out.

Do nothing by text. If you have a peace offering or an apology, do it by phone or in person. Like an adult, which you are!

Tallspicy,

Yes I did CALL him because that is the adult thing to do and would have been my advice to anyone in the same situation. :) Said he didn’t get my lunch text and when I said well he didn’t check in with me regardless he said that the day got away from him and he’s shifting everything around because we decided yesterday we were also going to take Friday off to have a fun 3 day weekend. :) Which i didn’t think about how much more that means he has to get done in just 4 days. Last night didn’t come up so I didn’t mention it.

Bedazzled,

Yes if I hadn’t walked out at that moment and heard the end of his conversation no disagreement would have occurred. I guess I was a little irritated that he didn’t remember our discussion about this Pinterest project I wanted us to do and I had even showed him the picture. So maybe for a brief moment I thought he was discounting my feelings to do something for her? Or maybe it’s just because I had only eaten a salad all day and had been doing lots of physical work and was hungry and cranky!! Maybe he should have offered me a Snickers!! Lol

I guess I get upset when he says I’m jealous because we both agree we hate that in a partner. I dealt with it for 23 years in my marriage with my ex keeping tabs on me in everything and accusing me of things I wasn’t doing and he had the same issue in his marriage. So I associate that with a very negative feeling and know that it has been a deal breaker in relationships for him. We even discussed “healthy” jealousy the other day as opposed to what we both dealt with in our marriages.

Hey Kaye,

him ‘always’ accusing you of being jealous is a bit weird. It makes me think he’s accusing you of being jealous bcz deep down he has lingering feelings for the ex and subconsciously realizes you should be jealous.

Alternatively maybe your accomodating attitude is confusing for him and he wonders why you aren’t feeling the jealousy he expects you to feel. Men are possessive and maybe he finds it strange that you aren’t possessive with him.

I honestly think your martyring yourself a bit when it comes to this ex. Them speaking and keeping in touch occasionally as friends is fine but the contact sounds like it may be quite frequent. I think you may have more of a problem with than you’re willing to admit..even to yourself. There’s a chance You think by being “cool” with their relationship and being accomodating and understanding it will make him realize how awesome you are and appreciate you even more, But in reality he doesn’t expect you to be so accomodating about this (hence the accusation of jealousy) and it’s only building up resentment (hence you flipping out over the trash comment)

Set some boundaries that make you feel comfortable inside and out. I know you are secure in your relationship but be careful

Kaye, I think he’s projecting his previous experiences of women into you.

My husband did this for the first few years we got together and it drove me crazy! There’s nothing as annoying and frustrating as being told you’re feeling a certain way when you’re not. My husband would even say “I know you feel like that, don’t deny it”.

I found it very insulting because he wasn’t taking me as a person into account, he was lazily basing is assumptions on past women. Also, I know how I feel! He should trust I’m showing him who I am and not trying to manipulate him or anything.

I think your guy over-reacted because, as Mae said, he felt bad talking to her when he was with you, plus he expected you to be jealous and was stressed as a result. Like Lane said, I think he was expecting an attack. He may have even seen you walking away from him while they were talking as you being upset. He didn’t know you were giving them privacy. Then you say something minor, he’s already stressed and expecting a problem with you, so he snaps and does on the defense.

Now you’ve had this argument, I would address it. Calmly when you next see each other. I would start by saying sorry for the misunderstanding. Make it clear this was a misunderstanding and you had no bad feelings towards him or his ex at the time. Make it clear you BOTH messed up and you both need to communicate better. Give him a chance to tell you how he was feeling before and during the argument as that’s going to give you the information you need to get this resolved.

Then he needs some information from you. I would explain what you’re like as a person – that you’re not jealous and you don’t mind him talking to his ex. But what you do mind is him making assumptions about how you feel without asking you. Tell him how angry that made you feel, how much you hate jealous and possessiveness, etc.

You said “I do feel that I have to be careful how I react or what I say. To the point I’m getting scared to bring up an issue”. This will become a problem in your relationship if you don’t address it head-on. Just make sure any time you bring something up, you do it calmly and with love in your heart. Make it clear you don’t want to win anything, you want to work together to make your relationship even better. If it doesn’t come from a place of criticism or judgement, more “we have this issue, how are we going to resolve it together?”, it works a lot better.

Kaye, I totally understand how you feel!

My husband didn’t have an issue with jealousy. He had really bad female role models and some crazy exes, and it was about women being manipulative and not saying how they really felt. So of course, even when I was being honest, he thought I wasn’t. After a while, he got to trust I do mean what I way and if I say I’m fine I am actually fine. But it did take a long time! I guess it’s no different from someone being insecure after the ex cheated or something. Eventually he learnt to trust I wasn’t like his family and exes. Your guy will too I’m sure.

I think what you want to tell him is exactly what you should tell him. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just a “clear the air” chat. If you sweep it under the rug, it’ll just keep happening. I did that in my marriage for years and it was a disaster! You end up misunderstanding and resenting each other.

First thing, I think it’s important to you that he realizes the measures that you’ve gone through. I think you want some acknowledgement and gratitude from HIM for making an effort to accept his ex-girlfriend, but instead, he is failing to react to the situation as you would like. Perhaps he isn’t fine and good with you being so excepting. I’m not absolutely sure, but maybe he would like to see some resistance from you.

Have you thought that maybe he isn’t MATURE on every thing? Maybe he has immaturities and foolishness with some topics. I’ve come to learn that sometimes men prefer the resistance and hostilities to occur between the exes and the present girlfriend; it makes them feel macho or “all of that” for some reason. Like I said I’m not 100% positive, but there is a reason he reacted that way and with the sudden mood swing.

Secondly, it’s ok to let him know calmly that you’re concerned about how he reacted, and be willing to discuss things openly and calmly, but if it turns into something Bigger, then there IS an issue, because this topic is minor, for real.

P.S. I believe he really cares for you though.

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for your comments!! I appreciate them all! Just wanted to give you an update on what has happened over the weekend. We had a really great 3 day weekend planned and I had decided I wasn’t going to even bring up our argument and risk ruining the weekend. However, something else happened before we left that prompted me to have a “mini talk” so to speak. We’re laying in bed after having been intimate and it was amazing. :) I said I can see doing this forever. He asked what I said because he didn’t hear me. So I repeated it and he’s like umm hmm. I said how do you feel about that? and he’s like yeah.

Not exactly the response I was hoping for obviously. Even though everything seemed fine I was wondering if this fight was still lingering with him. What if he’s beginning to question a future with me? What if this stupid argument has caused a rift and he’s reconsidering things? So the next morning we’re packing for our trip and I REALLY don’t want to bring this up but it’s just eating me up. I figured I was either going to ruin the weekend dwelling on it the whole time or I was going to have to get it out of the way before we left. So I walk out and ask if I can talk to him about something. He stops what he’s doing immediately and says Uh Oh. So I told him it hurt my feelings a little last night when he didn’t really respond to my question. He said he was sorry and he didn’t realize that. I said I was wondering if his feelings had changed or he was having second thoughts about a future with me. He said how can you say that? Can’t you see by my actions how invested I am in this? He was actually working on something at my house for me and kind of gestured to that. I said I could but we really don’t talk about the specifics of the future and what will happen next or the timing and when he didn’t respond and just kind of grunted, it bothered me. And that he’s not a very vocal guy when it comes to that kind of stuff. He said “I think about the future all the time but some things need to be a surprise.”

And he said you know men and women are different. You just did something amazing to me and then you want to have a conversation with me?!?! Lol I told him I realized we were different!! And he said he would work on being more vocal in responding in the future.

So when we went back into the house, I pulled out a surprise I had for him for the trip and he said, “Now why wouldn’t I want to spend the rest of my life with you? You treat me so good!!” I said well you’d be an idiot not to!! :)

So we head off for our weekend, we’re having a great day but that night after having a few too many fruity drinks, I make a comment that he took the wrong way and it brought up the issue with the ex. I was really just joking but he took it as me trying to bring up the argument we had. So I explained that every time we have a disagreement he says that I’m jealous or insecure. I went into detail about how I didn’t think the ex liked me and I was trying to do her a favor and he discounted it and I got upset. He still said he felt like I was bothered by their friendship and him talking to her or I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did. But then he told me if I had a problem with her then he would stop talking to her. That she wasn’t important enough to him for it to jeopardize our relationship.

Then he went on to say that it seems something like this happens every 2 months like clockwork. We fight over something silly and trivial. So we both agreed it has to stop. I thought back and he’s right. He said it messes up his whole day too. And how that morning after he sent me a good morning text and he could immediately tell I was still upset by the way I didn’t call him baby or sweetie and I didn’t use an emoji. LMAO He was 100% right but who knew guys thought this way!

So he said he was going to let me come to him. But unfortunately he didn’t get the text I sent at lunch (we’ve had some technology issues with that in the past too). He said he was checking his phone all day. Since I never heard from him …I thought HE was mad. Luckily the ladies here at ANM had talked some sense into me and I CALLED him and everything went fine.

All of our conversations about the future and the ex were very calm and low key and no drama. I felt really good about our discussions. So as we’re traveling to our next destination, he starts talking about the future. (Guess he was serious about being more vocal!) What’s going to happen with his business, whether he’s going to do something else entirely or stick with what he’s doing for awhile longer. Said he hates to start something new and commit to it if the plan at some point is for him to start working with me and helping in my business. And how he IS thinking about this kind of stuff and our future all the time. I said well it would be nice if you talked to me about some of what you’re thinking once in awhile so I don’t feel like I’m in this alone or we’re not on the same page. He said I am talking about our future, just not with you. I said then WHO are you talking to. He acted like he shouldn’t have said anything and says did I say talking.. I meant thinking. Not talking to anyone and he smiled this mischievous little smile. So I know he’s up to something. And then he said again.. remember some things are meant to be a surprise! :)

I think what it boils down to is he’s been single for a long time. And he’s dated a lot of women but never remarried. Also, even the ones he was serious about only lasted 2 years or so. So even though I know he’s invested, know he loves me and know he wants a future with me, there are going to be times when I question whether we’ll actually take that next step. It’s the whole “am I HIS exception?” question. Because we have broken up a couple times before, obviously that sticks in the back of my mind as to whether we’ll have some stupid misunderstanding and he’ll just walk out again and it will be done. At my stage in life, I don’t want to invest my time and energy in someone who’s not in it for the long term. I’m hoping maybe it’s normal to feel that way and not some kind of insecurity on my part.

And I have to learn to accept the fact that he’s not a mushy, lovey dovey kind of guy who’s going to gush about this feelings for me or the future. He’s the kind of guy who’s going to show me through his actions and I know that. And he does tell me he loves me every day…several times. And I can tell after our talks, he is trying. Because as soon as our amazing weekend was over, it wasn’t an hour before he texted me to tell me that he missed me already and it felt weird being alone. :)

*make him pull away…