Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › I'm confused. says he really likes me but doesn't even seem to try
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Lisa.
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Avery
I met a guy three years ago and we became good friends. we liked each other a lot but never did anything about it as he was moving to another country. We kept in touch and talked for hours (whenever we were both free) like 4 times a week. he did most of the calling. During this time, we talked about pretty much everything under the sun and we have a lot of similarities and common beliefs.
one day, out of the blue, he told me that he liked me a lot and he has never felt this way for even a girlfriend. As we live in different countries, i told him that he has to come again to where i am for us to see if we actually had physical chemistry and he asked how i was going to check that. i said i wanted to see if we enjoy each other’s company in person. after a couple of failed attempts of travelling over, he finally came. his family lives here too.
when we talked while he was away, i had told him how much i like some sweets from a particular store in the country he lives in and how i practically beg anyone coming to get some for me. I even asked if he’d bring some for me when he comes and he laughed and said “sure” but brought nothing when he came. That surprised me but i didn’t say much about it. Also, he claims to remember most details about all our conversations and even silly things like my favourite stores in different countries. (we’ve talked for so long that we have conversations about random topics.lol )
Also since he came here, he’s stopped calling but if i call and invite him anywhere, he’d say “sure”, come pick me up (sometimes late), pay for dates (he won’t let me pay so i find other ways to pay for stuff like offer to tip or buy coffee during strolls), be gentlemanly, funny, attentive and then go home. After that he’ll take time to reply my texts or call me back if he sees a missed call. I tried to understand that he’s visiting his family and some old friends and needs time with them but now i’m feeling ignored. This is weird for me cos i encourage him to hang out with his friends and i have a busy work and social life as well but i can’t help feeling ignored.
I’m a very calm person and he’s told me that most women flip when men do certain things (like he does) and he wonders how i stay calm. I’ve told him that i don’t like those attitudes anyway and i do not like to be taken for granted. Now, I think he’s beginning to take my calmness for granted. Most people, especially friends, in my life do so as well. if upsetting or disappointing me is an option, they’d rather do that than offend someone else.
Also, he doesn’t seem to take initiative. if i suggest sth, he’d do it and that’s where it ends. My friends say i’m lucky to have a guy who at least does things when i ask.
BTW, he’s also an introvert. However, he is perfectly able to plan trips and hang out with his friends but not with me even though he claims that he came and is staying long because i asked him to. How do i communicate my desires in a way it actually gets to him? Do i always need to ask before he does stuff? Do i need to plan out every date? Is there a way to get men to take initiatives? How does one deal with dating introverts? ….
Thanks
Maddie
This isn’t an introvert issue. He wants what he can’t have. He’s very engaged with you from a distance, but when it becomes reality he pulls back and can’t handle it. Actions and words not aligning. This is all him, not you, as he’s even admitted he’s flip flopped around other women before who haven’t put up with it. And they’re right not to, because it’s one of the biggest red flags that a guy will be inconsistent and not show up for you as a solid partner when things get real or serious or push comes to shove. You’re even right that him not bringing you the small item you requested is him not trying, not committing to seeing this through. A guy who was into you and ready to invest in a real relationship would want to make you happy and have brought you the sweets, he’d show up on time, and he’d be trying to see you as much as possible while he’s visiting. Listen to your instinct since you know something is wrong. It seems like you’ll be better off moving on from him and meeting other guys if you’re looking for a relationship.
tammy
agree with maddie totally.stop trying for a week/10 days. and see what happens?let him follow through on his words. its not a question of being introvert. its a question of whether he really wants to try and see if there could be a deeper and committed relationship with you.
Avery
Thanks Maddie and Tammy for your inputs.
I recently spoke of needing to go do something in another city 2 hours away at the end of this week and he offered to drive me there and back which i accepted. I found it nice of him to offer to do this and then he said it’s because he likes spending time with me. I snorted in response. He asked if i didn’t believe him and i told him about the ignored calls and messages. He said he doesn’t do it on purpose and it’s because he is sometimes with family or just busy when i call and so he doesn’t answer and then forgets (he seriously said he forgets!) Also, he said cos he knows i have a busy life, he doesn’t want to disturb and so he just waits till i suggest sth and sees if what i suggest clashes with any of his plans.
Now the funny thing is that we are trying to plan for this trip at the end of the week and he’s been messaging back and forth. I asked if he wanted to speak instead and he said he was currently in the mountains and sent a video of himself there. Not once did he mention he was going there. However this shouldn’t come as a surprise cos over the years we’ve talked, he’d ask about my plans and such but never say he’s going anywhere and then suddenly send me pictures of himself in some part of the UK. Back to our conversation this morning, So i said “maybe we’ll talk later?” He read it but didn’t reply.
My friends have said that Scandinavians (male and female) are like this. They’d read messages immediately you send them but not reply (some even for days). He doesn’t leave me on read for days but for hours (once up to 10 hours). I find it so rude esp when we are planning something. I have talked to him about this. I said, it’s ok not to reply pointless chatter for hours but def not plans or important questions. At the beginning, he just used to look blank. Now, he’d say sorry but still do the same thing again and again.
After this trip to the other city, i am going to cut back on the communication and planning and see if he steps up. Should i give him some suggestions like “if you want to meet next time, you have to plan a date and what to do” or should i just stay quiet and see what he does?
BTW, we are both 38, single and child-free.
Liz Lemon
I agree with Maddie and Tammy that this is not an introvert issue at all. My boyfriend is an introvert and he’s extremely attentive, consistent, & follows through on whatever he says he’ll do. When we started dating he initiated plenty of plans, and still does.
So this guy’s behavior has nothing to do with introversion. You said “he is perfectly able to plan trips and hang out with his friends but not with me even though he claims that he came and is staying long because i asked him to.” Yes, introverts are totally able to plan trips and organize outings with friends! This guy is simply not prioritizing you, it’s really as simple as that. Even not bringing you the sweets you asked for shows that- a guy who wanted to impress a woman would have most definitely brought her the sweets.
My advice would be not to assign personality characteristics to entire ethnic groups…Scandinavians do this or that, etc. It’s true that there are cultural differences among different countries, of course, but I’ve dated guys from all over Europe and Latin America (I’m from the USA), and they always made it VERY clear they were interested. Sure there were cultural differences in dating, but I never doubted their interest.
From what you’ve written, this guy seems to have very low interest in dating you. I wouldn’t give him any suggestions. I’d totally step back and see if he steps up. You know he’s capable of planning outings with his friends, there’s no reason he can’t plan one with you, if he wanted to.
ANM StaffKeymaster(My apologies – the forum filter was getting moody and held-back Liz’s reply for some reason. Fixed it now!)
Maddie
FWIW, I dated a guy with Scandinavian background once. He acted the same. It wasn’t cultural. It was because he wasn’t that into me, and also because he prioritized his career over romantic relationships. He’s still single and childless years later, because that’s what he wants (he is absolutely top of his field, it makes sense for his life).
If the dynamic already doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t fulfill your needs, and he hears you but doesn’t fully accommodate you over perfectly reasonable things, it’s incompatibility and a mismatch. It sounds like you pay a lot of attention to his words and are hanging on because he’s been inconsistent — this is called intermittent reinforcement. Sometimes he does what you want and sometimes not, so you hang on thinking maybe this time it’ll work if I just hang in there a little longer. But you need to step back and look at the overall pattern, which is that he’s not showing up well if you’re looking for a consistent, serious relationship. If you just want a casual fling, he’d be a better fit. Sounds like that’s closer to what he can handle and show up for, whether it’s intentional and he’s aware of it or not.
Andrea
He’s not romantically into you.
Avery
Hi everyone.
So he finally replied and said he couldn’t talk cos he was in the mountains and had bad reception. I got pissed that he could have just written that back since he was clearly able to read my messages. I mentioned about the sweets and he said he didn’t realize i was serious about it since one day when we were chatting, i had mentioned thinking of doing a sugar 90 day fast. I told him that i clearly said those sweets were an exception. He ended up getting me some nice chocolate as a substitute.
My friends are ooooohing and ahhhhing cos the box of the chocolates is really amazing.
They still can’t see anything wrong cos he seems to do what i say and when he doesn’t does things to make up when he messes up if I mention it. However, he’d still go ahead and do the same stupid sh*t again. Even my cousin seems to think i’m (quietly) overreacting and that guys mess up all the time.BTW, he also mentioned that he is confused about what to do cos he really likes me a lot but remembers that i would prefer to date someone who i see physically often enough and he’s thinking of getting a way to work remotely (which will be here) as well. I felt that was just saying what he thought i wanted to hear. I replied that i’d believe that when i see that happen. He murmured “yeah, makes sense”.
We have but said we like each other but not in love. At least i said so one day when we were having a serious discussion and he agreed.
All this shocks me given the fact that he doesn’t even seem eager to ever initiate meeting up.
Avery
Sorry, felt this was more readable with the missing punctuation marks added
They still can’t see anything wrong cos he seems to do what i say and when he doesn’t, he does things to make up when he messes up, if I mention it.
Gaia
Why does anything he does matter to you if you are not in love?
You had a serious discussion and said that so why worry about any effort this guy puts in or doesn’t put in? Move on to the next who you may be more compatible with.
You can’t change him. Don’t try. It’s a waste of your own time. He’s probably a nice guy but his actions/words are not aligning for you and it sounds like you are just friends. Up to you whether you keep the friendship but I don’t see a romantic relationship here.Liz Lemon
What Gaia said. You’ve known this guy 3 years and you’re not in love. He never initiates seeing you and you feel “ignored” (your word). He seems to irritate you and you don’t communicate well (him going off to the mountains without telling you, him not taking you seriously when you asked for sweets).
And no offense, but stop listening to your friends. Relationships are not a spectator sport, they’re between two people. Your friends can ooh and aah and be impressed over a box of fancy chocolates, or be impressed that this guy does whatever you initiate, but you’re the one living with an unfulfilling relationship.
You can’t change this guy and after 3 years it’s clearly not working. I think you’d be better off ending it and finding someone you’re more compatible with. We’ve all stayed in half-a$$ed, unfulfilling relationships because the guy was sort of okay, or the guy had good qualities, or whatever– I know I have. But you’re wasting your time. Find a guy you can fall in love with, who will treat you with consideration and consistency.
Raven
@Avery, You don’t find this exhausting?
In three years, why haven’t you found a guy closer?
I have a friend who is the King of Long Distance Relationships. On his forehead is stamped, ‘Emotionally Unavailable.’ He’s a GREAT guy, but will never ever seal the deal with any woman.
Let me ask you about YOUR emotional availability…
Honesty Rocks
He’s emotionally unavailable. Google it. And leave. There’s no good comes from these guys.
Avery
Thanks a lot everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts regarding my post.
So i’ll answer a few questions. Yes, i am not in love with him but i liked him a lot and felt if we spent physical time together (not sex), we would naturally have something beautiful.Also, i could feel a huge disconnect between his words and actions but there always seemed to be a reason for this. EYEROL. Also, he could be a really nice guy and we as we get along so well, others were in my ear constantly talking about it and asking why i’m cautious about everything.
Anyway, me and the guy had a full heavy conversation and we agreed that while this is is wonderful relationship, we’d like to keep it as it is for now, which is a good friendship. He also is pretty much confused about what he wants in life and i really don’t want to be dragged into that mess. After the conversation, we hugged and i felt so much lighter and felt “released”. It is such a weird feeling but i feel free.
My friends had kept hyping this whole thing up and i had started to feel like there was something wrong with me cos i wasn’t understanding all the hype. He is a good guy, sometimes great but sometimes, he would just drive me crazy (and not care that i’m upset unless i point it out) and his words and actions didn’t always line up. I’m so happy to have found this forum and people who reaffirmed what i was actually feeling.
Thank you.
tammy
its not abt him being gud or bad. but whether you guys are gud together. and well thing is despite 3 years you both have not taken off as a couple.
Lisa
Kind of sounds like my situation. I’m going to look up “emotionally unavailable” because that’s what the guy I’m dealing with sounds like.
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