January 13, 2015 at 12:10 am #391043
I did a month long strict NC with my ex. I heard that if you still want to date them, you should contact them after NC period is over just to see if they may want to also. I didn’t say anything harmful, just told him about this show that reminded me of him and that he would like it. He responded but I feel he may be over me. Does texting him show him I’m still interested? Even if I didn’t say I was or that I missed him? I’m kind of worries it does since it doesn’t seem he’s interested.January 13, 2015 at 1:58 am #391047
I think the NC does give space to the ex to re-think if he wants to revert the situation… but if he didnt reach out, instead of focusing on his response to the NC, it may be better to focus on working on yourself… since what he thinks and does is out of your control and may cause disappointment if you rest your emotions on that, put your focus on something you can control which is yourself.
look into why you are so hooked onto him, is it really him / what he has to offer, or something that lies in your own personality, past experience, insecurity? I think that’s the best way to make use of a NC… I know its much easier to say than do as I have been there myself…
As for if it showed you are interested even you didn’t verbalize it in your message, I am afraid it does… it shows that you still care and would think of him… if he has moved on, it might work as an ego boost for him that’s what I think…
I was in a similar situation once… after a long NC, I emailed my ex on my birthday (in hope of hearing him say happy birthday, a bit silly when I think about it now but it meant the world to me at that moment)… he did reply with bday greeting and some simple “how r u?” but it didn’t stop me from falling into a long deep depression after as I felt I sold myself low and betrayed my dignity in exchange for some hollow greeting from someone who didn’t quite care anymore
So at the end of the day, work on filling that hole in ur chest urself first, as there’s no one else including the ex could help u do thatJanuary 13, 2015 at 3:32 am #391054
Well I broke up with him….so that’s why I initiated contact.January 13, 2015 at 3:56 am #391056
ah ok… but then why did you break up with him in the first place and then what triggered you to reach out a month later?
From the fact that you “are worried because he didn’t seem interested”, does it mean you didnt wholeheartedly want to leave him in the first place? Was the NC just a way to see if he would reach out and chase you back?
Or maybe u thought it through a month ago and really don’t want him anymore, reaching out was just to see if he’s still paining from the loss, and if he wasn’t, u take that as a blow to your ego and interpreted that as u not being important to him enough for him to hurt and care more?January 13, 2015 at 5:17 am #391059
No contact is not a tactic to get your ex back. It is a tactic to get you back to yourself. There is no point where nc is over. If you broke up because he was not giving you what you want, thinking that breaking up and not talking to him was going to make him want to be a better boyfriend is flawed.
If you were a doormat in the relationship, texting him only shows you are hung up on him. And dumping someone to get them to step up does not work. That is the lesson here.
Now that you are back to square one, go back to Nc, but this time love yourself enough to really stay away from someone who does not love you, and focus on someone who does, you….January 13, 2015 at 10:28 pm #391211
I didn’t do NC to play games. I did it for me. I was very emotional and didn’t want to make the mistake of just getting back into a relationship. I wanted time to help me move on. But I still have feelings for him. So I contacted him the other night to maybe put a feeler out to see where he might be. He did text me this morning saying he hasn’t got to watch the show yet. I didn’t really know what to say back to that. So I replied with something short. He never said anything back to me and now I’m thinking it wasn’t a good idea to contact him now. I thought I could handle my emotions but I can’t. This wasn’t a good idea. I don’t think he’s interested and now I feel like an idiot.January 13, 2015 at 11:12 pm #391212
Don’t be so hard on yourself. BTDT and it does no good. You reached out hoping for a better response. You didn’t get it, so now you have no choice but to move on. Way easier said than done. Don’t contact him again. IF he’s interested, he’ll come to you. A month is FOREVER in our world, but some guys told me time isn’t an issue with guys and a month is nothing.
I like the previous poster’s (PP) remark about focusing on loving yourself. Go out and find new hobbies, meet new people and focus on living your life without him. Good luck hun!!!September 29, 2016 at 6:17 pm #567932
I contacted my ex after 18 days of no contact . I said “hey stranger, wanted to know if you dropped off the face of the earth or are hiding under a rock ” he immediately replied I have not dropped off the earth or under a rock, emoji😢you are to funny. He proceeded telling me what he was doing and thanks sweetie for checking in. I told him to take care and well talk soon. I hope I did things right. What do you think?December 29, 2016 at 1:02 am #588333
My boyfriend stopped taking to me on the 19th which was 9 days ago. Because i didn’t answer his call (which i didn’t get) he called later that night asking me why i didnt answer the phone i said i didn’t get any calls. He didn’t believe me i talked to him until he got home from work and he said ok im home bye in a cold manner. I called the next morning no answer i texted no answer. I text the next day no answer. Now i wished him a merry Christmas and got no reply. Im going nuts what should I do i love him we’ve been seeing each other for almost 5 year living 30 min away from each other. Please advise me i need to know what happened im going crazy.July 7, 2017 at 8:20 pm #639776
HaHa, you guys are so funny. I know these were all posted months ago but I’m here to help others that come seeking help later. First of all, A, You put out a “feeler” and you’re the one that did the dumping? Dumpers don’t get to be half in half out after the fact. If you did NC and he respected that and you wanted to break it then it was on you to give a clear reason why. You should have asked to meet up and talk, give a clear indication of what you’re feeling and where you want to go with the relationship. If you put out a “feeler” of course he is going to be reserved, he doesn’t want to face rejection again, so you need to make it clear what you want to happen. Now if he was more confident he could have taken the lead but a “feeler” about a tv show doesn’t leave you much to go on. Same for you Mary! You did better by flirting but you could have done a little leading but you didn’t say if you were the dumper or dumpee, so whatever. Bonnie, seems like your guy is playing hot and cold, which is normal for a dumper. I’m sure you figured this out but NC is the way to go with that and let him do some pining and then reach out again in 21-30 days. Get your head straight and see how you feel, but be clear about your intentions when you reconnect. If he’s not in to it then you know where you stand.June 6, 2018 at 2:49 pm #706419
I broke up with someone who I was with 5 months. It was a heated passionate relationship- we couldn’t see eachother too much due to distance/work/family…etc. We talked all day every day. I had a gut feeling there was someone else. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t make more of an effort to see me. His actions never really matched his words. I tried to leave a few times before but he begged me to stay. Then I thought that maybe I was being paranoid so I stayed- but he still didn’t try that hard to see me.
I ended things again- and this time he let me go. Said “I have such strong feelings for you, even if I had strong feelings for anyone else- I would be the same way. You need more. I wish you the best always.” that was it.
I reached out to him last night (32 days)- just saying hi, and asked him a question about a pic I sent. He answered- said that I was “still too cute.”- But short responses. I told him it was great catching up and goodnight.- he said “you too, night.”
I didn’t write back- nor did he. Now I feel like it is day 1 again. I still care about him and want him back.
Should I assume he moved on? I am not going to reach back out as I feel it made me look needy and pathetic. Or should I try again?June 6, 2018 at 2:51 pm #706421
Michelle, if you want more responses please place this in a new threadJune 6, 2018 at 8:00 pm #706461
If he wanted to get back he would have used this as an opportunity to start a conversation. He didn’t. This is your message, so no, do not try again. You reached out once, he knows.June 7, 2018 at 12:28 pm #706513
Thank you Emma. I know you’re right. That’s why I didn’t try to keep the conversation going. Of course my mind thinks of a million reasons why he didn’t start a conversation, like he wasn’t sure if I wanted that, or maybe he was scared that we would immediately fall right back into it right away, or he is playing hard to get.. etc. I guess it’s just hard to accept the reason he just didn’t want to. I would love to know the reason as I am feeling overly rejected and clearly it is affecting me- I have to accept the fact that I will never know and maybe just imagine the best.June 7, 2018 at 12:34 pm #706516
You broke up with him because he wasn’t putting any effort into the relationship. You said you “tried to leave a few times”…that isn’t very good for only a 5 month relationship. If you were that unhappy you kept wanting to leave then why do you want to put yourself back into that same situation? His actions never matching his words and you thought there was someone else. It sounds like this was long distance and those rarely work. This man isn’t going to give you what you want, focus on moving on and finding a man who meets your needs!June 7, 2018 at 3:53 pm #706557
Hi Kaye- thank you. The crazy thing is I know you are right. I don’t really want what we had back- I was filled with anxiety the whole time. I guess I have a fear that he moved on right after me, which would mean that I really wasn’t anything to him, or there was someone else. Which also means he lied to me the whole time. I did generally care for him- maybe that’s why I am still invested. Feeling rejected and confidence low :-(June 8, 2018 at 5:03 pm #706702
How do I star a new thread?June 8, 2018 at 5:07 pm #706703
Click on see all other recent updated topics, choose a category (I’d suggest break up advice)
Then scroll all the way down to the bottom and you’ll see where you can type your name and write a new thread.
Hope this helps.June 9, 2018 at 12:52 pm #706770
Thank you rocket pop. The only was I will know for sure is if I don’t beat around the bush. I guess I am scared of the clear answer. If he didn’t reach back out after I contacted him- it could be because I said “well, nice catching up with you- goodnight.” Maybe he thought I literally just had that 1 question, and because I initially broke it off, that’s it. OR, he answered to be nice, and then was happy when I didn’t keep the convo going. It would be so much easier if I was psychic!
I know none of it should matter. He couldn’t give me what I wanted then, why would he change now? I just got so investedJune 9, 2018 at 1:44 pm #706776
If you want him back you can’t expect him to initiate or even to give you hints after the first interaction. Yes you are taking risks but what do you think he’d do after you broke it of? beg you to take him back?
When you contact your ex you need to start an en a conversation with a possibility of continuing it. Do not close it “well good to catch up”. In his eyes it can be interpreted as you don’t want to continue talking.
You should have asked him about some of his activities and whether he is still doing it and then suggest something, that oyu heard of something, where he might like to go. And you’d go to if he doesn’t mind. This would open a door to talk more. And if he proceeds to talk more, then you can take it from there.
But using those pitiful cliches that you dig online (that everyone knows about by now) is not very creative LOL. “Reminds me you of”. Ok then? Do not expect him to take the next step, you were the one who broke it off, you should be the one to initiate.
Whoever is at “fault” figuratively speaking, this person needs to initiate. I know of a young girl at work who has an ex she is still in love with. This ex, form the sound of it, also has feelings for her, but he is a weird person. When he tried to “bump” into her, he always suggests “coffee” or something else . When she says sure would be great, he stands there and waits for her to start proposing dates, times, etc. This has happened between them 2-3 times. She is not making any specific suggestions of course, wanting for him to make a move but he is waiting for her to do that. God only knows why. Maybe he read some stupid advice online, where men are taught to expect women “to show interest”. They have a history that prohibits this girl from showing initiative, but she is reciprocating to his suggestions! but this dude is arrogant and thick. It’s been three times already. She says yes but he does not make specific plans, so things fall out. The thing is he is interested, he does want to see her, I am sure of that, but he just can’t ask her for out for lunch or coffee properly. As a result they don’t stay in touch or communicate for months. I know ladies you’d say his interest is low but their case is odd, his interest is not low. Their circumstances are weird, but his interest in this girl is still quite high. He just won’t make a move, EXPECTING HER to do that. As if someone took his penis and put it in a bag. LOL Even when he wants something from her, when she makes no hints and not even talking about anything personal, he’d find ways to bump into her and then he’d always start to talk about something personal, they’d start talking and it would be clear they still have feelings for each other, he’d go and hit her with “what do you want?” in terms of asking her to put all her cards on the table and make propositions for what she’d like to have with him. Whereas their story is such that he a man in his shoes would know that he needs to do a lot of work and court her for quite sometime before she’d be willing to talk. This dude has issues, clearly, but you need to keep in mind that all men these days learn weird things. They all bait and wait. Or they “poke” you and then sit back and wait for you to take next steps. Like women used to . LOL I witness this quite often, they’d walk up to you, smile and flirt and linger there..waiting for YOU to suggest something. I smile back and say have a good day abnd walk away. Watching him being surprised and disappointed. Then they’d try again a couple of weeks later. With the same results. Yes I see you are attracted to me and want to spend more time in my company but do you really expect me to ask you out? LOL I find online articles’ brainwashing has a lot to do with this behaviour.
The moral of this long story is, you need to initiate when it is appropriate. And never initiate when it is not. In your shoes you should have left the conversation flowing, but your shut the door. If you really are interested in getting back with him, you can try again in a couple of weeks. but think twice before you do that, he was not fulfilling your needs back then, why would he change now?June 9, 2018 at 9:51 pm #706811
why would a woman want a man back who dumped him?
ego.June 10, 2018 at 2:42 pm #706863
Thank you Emma. I agree with what you said and looking back at what i wrote I see how it can be interpreted. I didn’t want to end things. At all. For the rest of the story- we are both married with kids. I am separated, and his marriage is dead. I regret not being more direct and just saying “when there is a lack of effort to see me, although both our lives are challenging, i feel that you are making room for someone else, maybe closer and more convienient for you.” I beat around the bush so much as I didn’t want to rock the boat. Never been in a relationship like this.
All I know is that we made eachother feel alive. He said “nobody has ever made me feel as good as you do, ever.” I felt the same way.
I just took his lack of rearranging his schedule as “you don’t mean that much to me. no matter what my words are saying”
I know that this won’t be forever, i get that. Neither one can commit to that right now. I miss him, and wonder if I waled away too soon, did I ruin it. It was a chance to be with someone who understood my situation, we brought joy to eachother, I want that back.June 10, 2018 at 3:20 pm #706866
You have much bigger fish to fry…June 10, 2018 at 9:07 pm #706893
Michelle you day you felt he had someone else? Well he does. He has a wife! Plus, if he’s cheating on her with you, there’s a chance he’s also cheating on her and you with someone else too.
You said his words and actions weren’t aligned? Well that’s no surprise either is it? The guy is lying to his wife and most likely lying to you too.June 11, 2018 at 12:08 pm #706977
I am on day 31 of no contact, I have been using my time wisely and have started doing a bunch of new things with my time, beginning to feel like myself again slowly. We were together for 3 years, lived together for 2, I haven’t spoke to him since he moved out a month ago. We did 1 year old distance for his career, he hated it, kept telling me he hated being away from me and finally moved back home. Within 3 weeks of him being back home he was so miserable to be around I tried to have a talk with him about it, got everything off my chest and then a few weeks later we had an argument and he left me.
The day he moved out, he said “we were building a life together” and “this is the hardest thing I’ve had to do” I replied with “I think we both just need a lot of space,(what else am I supposed to say, he was the one leaving the relationship, im not going to give him my self dignity by trying to beg) I forced myself to be in good spirits while he was packing/moving out because I didn’t want the day to be a complete cry show. When it was time for him to leave he began crying in hysterics, and left. I haven’t reached out to him since, and he didn’t either until about a week ago I got a text saying he was coming to deal with paperwork for our lease. He asked if id be there and I never replied( I wasn’t going to be there I was working), he said he had some things of mine he’d like to drop off. He still had a house key so why he didn’t just put them in the door and leave them there I don’t understand. Now im stuck with him having my belongings, I have some of his stuff too but I was going to leave them at a mutual friends house. Should I contact him?