This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Liz Lemon 7 months, 3 weeks ago.
December 16, 2019 at 3:30 am #781186
Hey everyone, i need a bit of outsider insight into my situation.
Ive been dating a guy for three months. We started off as friends and around three months ago it developed into something more. However this guy is recently out of an abusive 4 year relationship, he was very much in love but realised this girl was not good for him and had to end things with her around 6 months ago.
For the past few weeks ive felt its been a very ‘one step forward, two steps back’ situation. There were days he’d surprise me with candlelit dinners, bunches of flowers and gifts and give alot of affection. He calls me every single night before he goes to sleep and we normally spend an hour on the phone. Other times he seems distant and has told me he likes me alot, doesnt want to date other people but ‘doesnt want to put a label on things yet’. He’s avoidant in calling what we’re doing ‘dates’.
Yesterday i spoke to him about this and asked him was he over his ex. He said hes over her but is afraid of getting hurt again. He said he has feelings for me but is reluctant to date and jump into something with me incase it falls apart again and he ends up heartbroken. I told him we want different things and ended things and he tried to make me reconsider and ‘be patient’ with him. He said he wants to take things slow, but i dont see how much slower we could take things at the minute? Have i done the right thing in ending things or have i made a huge mistake? Help!December 16, 2019 at 4:12 am #781187
It is normal to be scared of getting hurt.
So I think going slow is good. It allows you to “feel your feelings”.
If and when you reach an impasse and neither party, for whichever reason, is able to reach a compromise and it hurts too much to continue I think that’s when there can be no further negotiation.
Because then you’re just bargaining away your feelings.
Does that make sense?December 16, 2019 at 11:24 am #781200
Is he getting therapy? If not, you did the right thing. If he is, then maybe ride it out longer.December 16, 2019 at 11:30 am #781201
I’m sorry to say this, but I think you are just keeping him company and allowing him to access the parts of a relationship that he wants. I’d say that for such a long relationship it’s too soon for him to commit, but he possibly misses being in a relationship. I would walk away because you deserve someone who isn’t distant and making weak excuses.December 16, 2019 at 2:48 pm #781214
So he ended a 4 year relationship just 6 months ago and started dating you 3 months ago so he was VERY recently out of a relationship when you started dating. Or ARE you dating him since he won’t call what you’re doing dates? To me that would be a BIG red flag. It doesn’t mater how romantic he is with flowers, attention, candlelit dinners if he doesn’t consider this “dating” you. He ended an abusive relationship. He’s reluctant to date or commit to being in a relationship with you. That’s normal. He needs time to grieve and your timing with this sucks! I think you are absolutely right to end things and not “be patient” if you are looking for a long term relationship. He’s emotionally unavailable right now. And just what do you think the odds are the very first woman he starts seeing after his 4 year relationship will be “THE ONE”? I would stay far away from him. Maybe in another 6 months to a year if the two of you are still single then try again. But a guy who has been in a bad 4 year relationship is probably interested in playing the field and seeing what’s out there and not committing to the first girl who comes along. It’s just human nature. I feel you will be the one getting hurt if you continue to hang around in this non-relationship.December 16, 2019 at 3:00 pm #781217
I have to agree with the others. It’s way too soon for him to be dating. You started dating him when he was 3 months out of a 4 year abusive relationship. He didn’t have enough time to heal and process the breakup, and the fact that the relationship was toxic means he has even more emotional work to do.
It does sound like he misses being in a relationship, which is why he blows hot (flowers, affection, phone calls)…but then suddenly blows cold…. since he is just not ready. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. It’s just too soon.
I agree with Kaye that you’ll probably just wind up getting hurt if you are too “patient” with him and stick around. I don’t think he’s ready to commit to anything at this point. And even if right now he says he doesn’t want to date other people, eventually he will probably decide he wants to (it’s natural after being in a a relationship for 4 years), and your non-relationship status will be the perfect excuse for him to say “we’re not exclusive, so I’ve decided to see other people.” Don’t set yourself up for that.