Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Caught him with his ex
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 2 years, 11 months ago by
Maddie.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Rach
There is a guy (he’s 39) I’ve (I’m 34) been talking to from work for the last few months. We’ve known each other for over a year now though. Luckily we don’t work in the same office though – so I don’t have to see him regularly. Anyway, I have known that he is struggling with his last breakup, but he has told me repeatedly that he is moving forward and realizes that it will never work with his ex because she has a lot of drama in her life and broke up with him multiple times. And that he feels she only uses him for attention. But they still talk more than I realized.
When we were just friends he used to stop by my place and literally cry about her and how she was making dating profiles to hook up with people and stuff. And how she would tell him that she loves him, but they’re not dating. His family can’t stand her now and she seems to use him when she needs something. And anyway, she is leaving our city in two weeks to start a new job four states away. He’s not having an easy time with it and has told me a few days ago that he is moving forward.
We have been intimate in the past. And after we were done he said he felt selfish. He said he felt pulled into me and wanted to pursue me, but then felt too scared and too gun shy. But he kept pursuing me and I allowed it. I didn’t understand why he made that selfish comment until now. Yesterday I stopped by his place on my way home from work to show him something I bought earlier that day that I knew he would also enjoy. It’s not uncommon that we just show up to one another’s place unannounced. He does it to me too. We live very close. He didn’t answer on the first knock. Weird. I knock again. He comes out frazzled and doesn’t open the door all the way to come out like he usually does. He slides through the small door opening he made awkwardly. He was trying to hide something. He slides through the small opening and closes the door. He whispered to me that his ex was over. He said it very rushed and he was very uncomfortable. His eyes were so wide. He looked nervous/panicked?! It was obvious he put effort into how he looked too. He usually looks like a slob when I’m over. He did his hair for her and had a fitted shirt on. Looked like a different person almost.
I asked if he had a few minutes so I could show him my new item that he was also interested in. He said he couldn’t because his ex was over. He was whispering and acting so strange. It was very awkward. I said oh okay and was nice about it and left. I felt like throwing up when I left.
He texted me a couple hours later to say “sorry about that earlier” I told him I felt very hurt. Like I was shoved off because THE EX was over. The one who has made him cry tons of times. I am usually the one he runs to when that happens. He said he had her over because she is leaving soon for her new job and wanted to talk and watch a movie. (They’re big into movies.) I told him I was hurt and he said he only acted that way because he knows that I don’t like her because of the way she has treated him. That is one reason why I don’t like her. But he’s acting like that is the only reason why I should be upset. It feels wrong that he won’t be open and say that he knows I’m upset because he led me on.
We had a talk about a month ago about how we aren’t ready for relationships, so we’re not technically dating, but every time she comes up now he makes it clear to me that things won’t work out with them and seeks me out to hang out or talk. He sends me mixed signals constantly. One day I’m sure he is in love with me and the next I feel the opposite way. He buys me things and will then go silent.
I told him how I feel led on and lied to and he said he is sorry for how I feel. And that he wasn’t rushing me off because he was trying to hide something. But rather because he knows I don’t like her. I feel manipulated. I’ve only ever told him that she is not good for him and she is a user. He seems to be twisting things. He said he told her it was me and that I wanted to talk. Isn’t it obvious that I am upset because he has treated me like I’m the next person he wants to date and then keeps going back to his ex whenever she wants something from him?!
I blocked his number. I’ve been through hell in the last few years over other heartbreaking things and he knows I’m trying to get to a better place. Yet he does this. He’s not the type of guy I would have expected to do this, but here we are. And now I feel awful and embarrassed for having any emotions about it because he doesn’t seem to see what is so wrong here.
Raven
Your story sounds familiar, did you post previously?
Unfortunately, you ignored all of the red flags & there were plenty.
Keep him blocked & move on…
Elvira
Hi Rach
I am so sorry you are dealing with this however, I will be very honest on what I read here. You were consoling a man who was struggling with a breakup. He showed you and told you how hurt he was, from the beginning you knew he was having a hard time moving on. He was vulnerable and obviously still under the influence of a manipulative ex (that you don’t even know). You even say he told you he felt selfish because he wanted to pursue but obviously he was struggling with his own emotions attached to his ex. Bottom line here is that you got involved in a love triangle. The guy was and is not over his ex despite how bad she supposedly treated him, he still wanted her in his life. It doesn’t appear to me that you and him were in an official relationship but a friendship with some intimate moments. You were a shoulder for him to cry on and he has to resolve his ex issues before he can get into another relationship. I believe he was honest about his feelings towards her and you chose to ignore that because you wanted something with him. I feel as though this would appear as the person taking advantage of the individuals vulnerability despite them constantly saying they were struggling getting over an ex. You did the right thing by blocking him and removing yourself from this situation.Rach
They have been broken up for over eight months now. This is the second time they’ve broken up. Yes he has been honest with me for the most part about her, but he has been hiding how much they talk. I feel led on because he would text me to see how my day is going, text me selfies, invite me over all the time, would snuggle with me on his couch, etc. held my hand one night. Would sext me a lot. I was also feeling vulnerable because I got out of a ten year relationship about a year ago. But I feel like I’m good to move forward with dating now.
I told him that his ex is like a drug and he needs to go cold turkey for his own sake. Because that is what I did with my ex and it worked. He said that when she leaves he will find somebody else to be his drug. There have been countless times when he has signaled to me that I am exactly what he is looking for in a partner and I am not so great with understanding men, so I really believed he liked me and wanted to pursue me as soon as she moved away.
I feel so dumb and stupid.
Ewa
I feel led on because he would text me to see how my day is going, text me selfies, invite me over all the time, would snuggle with me on his couch, etc.
any men can do that, you need to learn how to know the difference. Man who only invites you over and not taking you out is not worth your time or attention. I am guessing he was ok with getting attention from you and would rather not be seen in town with you in case his ex sees you.
Another thing to point out here, you only know one side of the story, how do you know it wasn’t him who was horrible to her ? Men who talks badly about their exes are no good anyway.
Lots of red flags you missed, you can feel stupid etc but the point here is to learn from your mistakes…Erin
Keep it moving girl, this guy was using you as a cushion i.e using you to get over his ex, to soothe his ego over whenever his ex did a number on him. You were never going to come first.
In the future stay clear of men who are always talking about their ex, negatively or positively. They are not over her, are still obsessing about her and would dump you at the drop of a hat if their ex comes back.
Let him stay in blockville, you don’t want a man who doesn’t choose you
Maddie
“I told him that his ex is like a drug and he needs to go cold turkey for his own sake…. He said that when she leaves he will find somebody else to be his drug.”
Talking about his ex all the time is a red flag about emotional unavailability, it’s true. But this line he said right here? This is even worse because it shows his lack of availability isn’t a temporary rebound situation. He’s also toxic, which is probably why he’s so into her, and they were a good fit in that very unhealthy way. He’s a love addict and only cares about how other people make him feel, not about how he actually shows up for others in a relationship.
I think the reason you’re missing red flags is because you don’t have a sense of what healthy boundaries in a relationship between two healthy people look like. I don’t mean that as an insult, as I used to do the same thing and hang on to date someone’s potential instead of reality. I mean it as identifying something you can look into learning more about if you really want to move on from him and away from other situations like this. If someone is leading you on, you walk away and put an end to it rather than giving them all the power to make decisions. Yes, he was shooting off red flags before, but I can see how you might have believed he just needed some time and space from his breakup (don’t stick around for those situations either, but I understand the impulse). Now you know, it’s way deeper than that, and he’s not going to magically become a good boyfriend to anyone once he’s over her without doing a heck of a lot of personal growth work (which I can assure you he’s not going to do any time soon).
It’s a good idea to run from any men giving you mixed signals, especially if you know you’re prone to wanting to read into the hope of them. That’s another one of the biggest red flags there is if you’re eventually looking for a committed relationship.
Block him, leave him behind, brush yourself off, and don’t feel stupid about learning something from the new experience. You deserve better than putting yourself down and better than him.
-
AuthorPosts
