This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by T from NY 3 months, 3 weeks ago.
July 3, 2020 at 4:10 pm #795295
I have recently ended a 15 year relationship and reconnected with my highschool crush from 20 years ago. I have strong feelings for him, he makes me feel like I’m exactly where I should be. He has told me that he likes me numerous times but he has also been giving me mixed signals. I seem to be the one to txt him first, make plans, I am constantly reminding him of when my ex has the kids thinking he will ask me to hang out. We have great conversations and he has opened up to me about a few things that are deep. I have met his 18 yr old daughter, his mom, a few friends and other family members. He only introduces me by my name. Unfortunately I have recently found out that he is still active on dating sites..( a bit hurtful but we never said we were official). My issue is that he knows I want to be with him, he says he doesn’t want to lose me, that I’m “important “ to him. We have had sex and he said that I’m not just a hookup but he still isn’t willing at this point to move things forward. We have always had a “click” since we met and I really don’t want to lose him again I’m just confused because his words and his actions don’t always match. I have slowed down on txting him and he has made a few attempts to txt me. I’m just not sure if I’m eating my time or if things will work out.July 3, 2020 at 4:35 pm #795298
Stop doing all of the work…
Take a step back & see if he steps up.July 3, 2020 at 4:36 pm #795299
You didnt specifics how long you have been dating but i would guess over 6 months if you met daughter, family etc. The clear answer is: yes its a situationship. And its all based on what you wrote. He problably likes you, likes your company, but doesnt want to commit to you. Not only does he not call and see you as a gf, he is actively looking for a gf not you on dating sites. Your excuse for him, you never made it official is kind of ridiculous if you have been dating all this time. When you found that out that is your last queue to stop seeing him. He will not suddenly want you to become his gf. Of course he doesnt want to lose you, he likes what he has. And he can move on when he wants to.
Then there is also you making all the plans. You just got out of a relationship. You got infatuated with this man, but its not working out. Not the end of the world. But Yes time to move onJuly 3, 2020 at 4:54 pm #795302
This is one of those scenarios where you’re just an option but not the goal. Of course he means what he says, he likes you, enjoys your company, doesn’t have to put in any effort, can be vulnerable with you, gets sex without commitment AND best of all he gets boyfriend privileges while NOT having to be your boyfriend and date other women until he finds something better.
You’re someone to pass the time with and it sounds like you’ve allowed this. I’m not saying passing the time with men is bad, but if you want exclusivity from a man then you don’t set yourself up to pass the time with them while they prance around doing as they please.
He has been upfront with you, said he doesn’t want to lose you but doesn’t want to move things fwd at this point. He’s basically saying, you’re an option.
If it were me I’d stop seeing him. You’re just going to get more invested only for him to eventually stop seeing you once he finds someone else he’s more interested in.July 3, 2020 at 5:06 pm #795303
Why are you initiating anything with a man who is not your boyfriend? Why are you contacting him, prodding him to ask you out and simply not being done with any man who has literally told you he will not move anything forward?
To be clear: mixed messages are a red light.
This will never turn into something. Men can enjoy your company and not move things forward and your willingness to engage tells him you are ok with what he gives you because you have been warned. Read that again.
End it with him:
Bob, thank you for reaching out to me. I have had some time to think and while I have enjoyed our time together, I think it is best we no longer see each other. I am looking for someone who is available to grow into a committed relationship, and our interaction is not moving in that direction. I am grateful for knowing you and I truely wish you the best”
His responce will probably be: I wish you the best as well.
Sorry to be so direct, but I want you to understand.July 4, 2020 at 1:59 pm #795378
Men do not have a goal to have a relationship is what people say, but I think if the right girl comes along they would jump at the chance to be in a relationship with the right girl. Men are not stupid and realize that while they may want other girls, they may not want them and so they stick with what they have and what is a guarantee. You are a guarantee for him and I’m not sure how I feel about this, maybe it’s ok to be the good for right now girl if things fit well. However, you will probably be looking over your shoulder wondering if he’s found the “right girl”. That’s hard to live with.July 4, 2020 at 2:12 pm #795379
You’re freshly out of a 15 year relationship & now have strong feelings for a stranger…
Why don’t you take a break & get to know yourself again?July 5, 2020 at 8:49 am #795404
T from NY
What everyone else has said. When you stop doing his work for him you’ll definitely see what kind of situation you’re in, very quickly.