Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › 4 months in and suddenly he's gone quiet on me
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We have a strong connection…I had him go silent on me after I surprised him by visiting him…he seemed ok told me to plan it next time so he can keep time for me, as he was Rushed…then he went total silent…its been 3 days and i feel terrible. I already send texts the first 2 days…asking what I had done and recieved only one reply..saying he wasnt in a mood to talk. He on normal days texts me the whole day and often calls..now I went silent on the 3rd day…what shall I do…feeling really blue here.
Any update on how this turned out?
Your advice seems pretty incredible so here I go needing some of my own slightly personalised version of what you prescribe so darn well :)
So, I met this bloke late October 2014 by chance at a shop – we got talking and got on very well indeed. We met – again by chance – at a club the exact same night. We have been inseparable since. A bit of our back grounds – we both on the fetish scene and are poly-amorous and have since come out of long term relationships so we have both been single around 4 months (when we met) and as far as we are both aware we don’t want another relationship at the moment.
We have a lot in common. He is very intelligent and we get on very well. He constantly tells me how bright and beautiful I am and how much he admires me and thinks I am different “from all the rest” he said its nice to “finally meet a woman rather than a girl”. He is 4 months younger than me. We are both 24. Professionals. He lives in London City I live in Surrey.
ANYWAY – so, after that hot club night affair we were emailing each other daily and talking on the phone. I then plucked the courage up to invite him to Berlin with me on a tantric workshop. I said how random it was as I had only just met him but felt like being spontaneous and he agreed to come with. SO we went away to Berlin together for 4 days after only having known each other 3 weeks. The time away we both agreed felt the closest and most intimate time we had ever indulged in in our lives. He said he had never felt that close to someone before and shortly before Christmas he send me a book and card with the most heart felt beautiful words.
He was in Mexico with family for the 2 weeks before Christmas and we saw each other again on Boxing day for the weekend. He brought me gifts back from Mexico and told me he “couldn’t stop thinking about me whilst he was away”. We got on quite well that weekend although it didn’t hold the same spark as Berlin. I guess I was in a bad mood though (due to personal stuff) and He probably rubbed my bad mood off me.
Up until now we would text every day etc the week in between Christmas and New Year saw things a little quieter and I sensed cold. Nevertheless we met again on 2nd January and had an AWESOME weekend (because I told myself to go and see him, put the last weekend behind me and forget that we didn’t quite have the best time last time so make the most of it and it worked) :) So that was last weekend – we got on VERY well, laughed, had amazing MIND BLOWING sex and he said lovely things to me. Like ” wow you have made the most perfect bed – I read once that you should marry a woman who can make a bed like that” and hugged and kissed me.
The last thing he said to me when he last saw me to my car was “thank you for a great weekend, lets do it again sometime soon, please?” to me. I said yes of course. It was only the weekend we had been arranging to go on Sushi courses and Turkish bath retreats together so clearly he DOES want to see me again.
However, and this is my issue. I know its only Thursday. I returned home last Sunday, I text him, he text back. He said thank you again for the lovely bed I made and said how awesome the weekend was – he then also said something that has fucked with my head a little he said “I may have just about got you out of my system – at least momentarily mind you” – I think perhaps he means that in a nice way? I guess..
I then didn’t hear from him at all and decided to bite the bullet and speak to him on Tuesday night – we chatted and laughed for hours over Facebook messenger.However it got late and he suddenly stopped replying. Yet remained online for a bit. I can only imagine he just stuck a film on and let his Facebook up on his screen. I’ve been off work with the flu this week and still even now, its Thursday now, he hasn’t messaged back or anything? Should I worry? Is he just playing it super cool now he knows he “has me” (even though we are not in any way official)
What do I do? Please help? I guess the answer is to play it super cool to, be patient and wait. I guess all I want is reassurance that he WILL text? :S grrrrr I hate these games. I always prided myself as a cool and calm person but this sudden quiet behavior has made me crazy.
Sorry for the essay – I believe all the info was relevant to form a constructive answer. I look forward to your diagnosis.
Lu, Please create a new thread for yourself. This way your situation can be considered individually ….
Hey guys I’ve been reading this post and it has really helped me. Harley I especially like your advice it makes me hopeful. I know this thread is a little bit out of date but I am going through a similar situation.
Basically I met this guy who was super interested and he asked for my number. We went on a coffee date which went really well. Soon after he suggested we go out for dinner and i found him very interesting so we went out and I honestly had the most lovely time with him. In the mean time we had been exchanging messages frequently.
So the crux of the problem is that i am religious and he is an atheist. And it came up during our dinner and we kind of agreed to disagree. Not that j felt there was any tension. In fact he was continually wanting to impress me. He paid which I thought was a good sign. I messaged him after our dinner to thank him and he replied saying he was more than welcome.
I then went on holiday the next day for 5 days and during my holiday he didn’t message and I messaged the night before last to which i got a reply. He would message me every day despite there being a delay. However when I got back I noticed that he was slowing down. And the last couple of days have been silent. I messaged him this very long message to ask where we stand and some clarity. I even suggested friendship if maybe things don’t work out. He replied to that saying that was a lovely message and he will contact me in the evening or this weekend. This was on Friday. It is now Sunday and I have not heard from him and I’m starting to think he will simply not bother anymore.
I just don’t know what to think. I’m confused as to whether he likes me or not. I don’t know whether he does. I sometimes feels he does. But then other times I feel I’m just wasting his time. He’d rather not want to hear from me. Thanks guys you’ve all been amazing with your advice.
Please understand why I advocate that let the man lead. It is like a slow dance where you would not dream of leading. When you try to push things your way a man calls that “needy” and moves off to another dance partner.
A man’s job is to pursue and keep pursuing…a woman’s job is to accept and keep accepting…if he stops pursuing then you have nothing to accept and you move on. Those are the “rules” – you will find the right man who will keep asking you to dance, over and over.
Hi, I’m in a similar situation and it’s tearing me up.
I have been with a guy exclusive for 6 months, he has led the relationship and 5 months in I met his parents and daughter. I know from his actions that he really likes me and that he’s got baggage. He went through a horrible divorce and knows his ex is not a good mother to his daughter. He feels guilty for “making the wrong choice”. He told me he came home and found all furniture gone from his house and his daughter was gone. He has primary custody now since his ex didn’t want it.
6 months in, I was getting paranoid about him not texting me back for 2 days…so I showed up at his house one morning and brought him breakfast. I told him we needed to talk and explained “I’m crazy about you and asked how he felt….he seemed to freeze up and asked if this was the “where are things going talk” I said no, that before I can think about the future I need to see how he is when he is drunk or in an argument. He replied that he’s only drunk 3 times and year and would never hit me. I said it’s still important for me to see before I can consider the future. I told him this talk was about how he feels now…and told him if he needs a few days to let me know. He said he could get back to me as soon as his phone was fixed. It’s been 7 days now and he hasn’t responded to my 2 text messages.
He did tell me in the past that during personal issues, he crawls in a hole and finds it hard to communicate. Is this a break up? Or is he taking time to think about how he feels? Why can’t he just tell he me he’s thinking about things? Why just not respond and be silent?
He was very direct when he asked me to be exclusive…can’t he be direct if this really is a break up?
Why would you just show up at his house? Did he know you were coming or it was unannounced?
You need to get a hold of yourself. You shouldn’t be freaking out because of 2 days not hearing from him. He’s not your boyfriend and 2 days isn’t that long. You’ve probably freaked him out now by showing up at his house and telling your crazy about him (while also acting crazy by dropping by unannounced) and now he needs time and space to think.
Leave him be. You’ve sent him two texts, do not send more. He has your number and he will use it if/when he feels ready to talk. You’ve kind of bombarded him now with all this and it sounds like he’s got other stuff going on.
I have a similar story. It has been nearly 3.5 months and things were going really well, things stepped up and now he has gone a little quiet, not engaging as much. He has said its nothing personal just busy etc but – I am now thinking is this true or does he not want to be the one to end it.
Try writing in a new post please. You’ll get more responses
halo am ziana 26yrs and he is 28yrs..am also experiencing a similar problem..we were dating for like two months and he realy showed me all the love and care..including the future plans he gat for two of us..he was so humble caring and respectful..this is a guy who is always very busy with many busineses..so we always meet only once in two weeks tho he used to call so oftenly..recently a very good friend of his more of like his brother who actualy works for him in one of his busineses got veeery ill and he was taking care of him..so he reduced on communication and explained to me..i understood…the last time we met everything was all okey and we were very happy had great time together for quite some time.but after we split up..he never called again.for like 3days..wen i called he kept on not picking up my calls..i got so concerned went to his work place to inquire wat xactly was goin on..he told me nothing..that he is just busy..he talked of calling me but he has never.its now coming to a month..this is a guy i love very much with all my heart and soul.he had even promised to marry me..i feel am so confused.kindly advise me on what i should do because i realy feel am missinmg him..i have never called him ever since then..please.thank you.
I am actually going thru something similar at the moment. As some of you ladies know from my previous posts. I’m seeing a divorced dad with two kids.
His ex recently informed him that she is moving 900miles away with the kids and she is trying to use the kids against him. She still wants him back and he has no desire to go back and he won’t move as he has a very good career etc. here. He is also under a lot of pressure at work and is working long hours etc.
He was very quiet over text on Monday, didn’t get the usual how was your day / workout or good night text, Tuesday, didn’t get the usual good morning text or anything, but I let it be and thought its probably just all the stuff going on in his life.
So I saw him on Tuesday night, I was in a very down mood because I am under a lot of pressure at work, I haven’t been eating or sleeping well and this caused me to be a bit emotional. I didn’t bring up any relationship stuff or anything, he was just teasing me about something to cheer me up, but it had the opposite effect and I burst into tears. I know, terrible, but I assured him that it was just work stuff, cause it really was just work stuff. I explained that my manager is being unreasonable and one of my peers went off on me because I questioned her about data she submitted for our board report, and even though I was right, she would not let up etc. and to top it off our MD decided he wanted to report sooner. I have been working crazy hours, skipping meals, not working out and well it all added up. He just held me and then went and bought me chocolate. lol.
I left his house early Wednesday morning and he was quiet over text the entire day. I didn’t msg him and he eventually texted last night to check in with me, I kept it cool and light. He didn’t reply to my last msg and didn’t say goodnight either. I just left it. This morning he was back to his chatty self. Told me he downloaded the movie I mentioned. I thanked him and told him that 2day is leg day in gym and I need to figure out how to use the one machine. (I am new to gym and a total blonde about it too, embarrassing I know). I mentioned a that I had used machines incorrectly on a number of occasions and one of the guys that were working out near me would offer to help me and show me how to use the machine. This was not to make him jealous. Anyway, he sent a text after I told him about the new machine…”which machine. And no u won’t have boys willing to help everywhere. Just send me a pic of the machine and I’ll tell you how to use it” I told him I will and thanked him for being so helpful.
I’m not looking for advice…lol. I am not worried about his silence or tapering down in msging. I am simply trying to point out that men really do go into their little caves when they are stressed or trying to focus on something that’s pressing. They don’t realise that their silence stresses us out. I don’t think they even realise they are doing it, its like second nature to them. We are the ones that stress and blow it out of proportion, while they are all focussed on their stuff in man-ville. lol.
Just hang in there, when he reaches out, be receptive, keep it cool and light, show him that you aren’t needy, you won’t add extra stress to his life.
I found such a great site about this. I would suggest every woman out there that is stressing about a man pulling away a bit should go and read this
Just google… the feminine woman… that is the website name. And the article to read:
Why Men Pull Away and How to Deal with it
This gave me so much understanding. There are other great articles as well. even a free book on how to become the most attractive and feminine goddess.
Zaina, you saw him every 2 weeks for 2 months? So what 3 or 4 times? When he wwouldn’t pick up the phone, that was him saying I don’t want to speak to you. Going to his work was simply acting like a stalker.
Maybe he was just busy but you calling all the time and going to his work put him off. It would’ve put me off.
And Anon you’re right! Nothing you said is troubling about your guy. Men simply have different communication styles to women.
thanx hanaan..so what exactly shld i do..???
Whatever his reasons Ziana, he doesnt want to pursue the dating. He is probably afraid to tell you directly..just forget him and move on. It’s hard but it’s the only way. He is not as invested as you are. Your turning up at his office etc is not going to help…now best if you can let go without a word. He may be intrigued and wonder where you are at. In any case, just go dead on him. No social media contacts etc. And get busy with your life.
thanx very much adrea..what if he comes back???
I hate to say this but it’s already been a month. I very much doubt he’ll be coming back. Focus on forgetting all about him and moving forward with your life. If he does happen to get in touch again, deal with it based on how you’re feeling at that time. You may be dating someone else or over him by then.
Hi! I’ve been dating a guy for about 2 months. We met online. Initially he texted me all the time. But this has gotten significantly less during the week. However, last Sunday he was texting me virtually all day. We both have kids. We do something every weekend, one weekend with our kids, the next weekend without the kids. We had a great weekend with our kids last weekend. However, this week he’s texted a lot less than normal. I know he’s busy because he works full time and is also a volunteer fire fighter. In fact, the past 2 nights he’s had commitments at the firehouse. I sent him a couple texts this week acting if he wanted to do some upcoming events with me. He responded yes to both (one is this weekend and the other is a couple weeks from now). What’s really concerning me and causing me a lot of anxiety is the fact that he hasn’t texted much at all this week. Normally he would text me on both his morning break and his lunch break. I tend to think the worst. Am I over reacting? Would if sound needy if I sent a text asking if everything okay as he’s been pretty quiet this week?
Texting is the DEVIL!!! Stop relying on texts as men and woman have very different reason/ purposes for texting. Men primarily use it to “do” or “get something done” (action orientated) but woman use it for “connection” (emotional orientated) which is what separates the boys from the girls.
The fact you set up two dates pretty much removed a reason for him to text IMO. At this point he will check in IF you give the room to do so but honestly you’re “acting like the man” by planning dates and making all the contact so why should he? Step back a bit and let him come to you as that’s the ONLY WAY to really know how a man is feeling about you.
Act like a lady by being RECEPTIVE (female energy) to a man’s GIVING (male energy) and you’ll be less stressed out.
I have known this guy for a year. it was intense at first. it then cooled off, he got cold feet so I ‘got gone’. however, he came back and chased me for several months. I finally gave in … its been good but hard work. but now, since the weekend, he’s gone distant, quiet. he says he’s ok, just not in a great head space right now …
What does this mean? am going crazy!
create your own thread. This one has been going on over a year where girls are posting different issues. Go to Forums, select the category, then scroll all the way down to post.
So my bf of 4 months also went quite and unfortunately I’ve not played so cool we was fine happy he was sending miss you messages etc then he let me down I was abit angry as this always happens but I hardly went mad I just said o again which he said speak later any ways cut long story short he went quite wasn’t same I did send a message asking what was up he said he needs space and will contact me when his in a better place to which I said ok hope everything is OK. I hadn’t heard from him for a few days so said what’s going on we spoke over the phone he said very stressed with money etc but reassured me feelings haven’t changed still wants see me and isn’t dissing me I said ok he said he call later never did. And since that phone call silence even when I sent a message saying I hope to hear from you soon I respect you need your space surely he could of said thanks or anything. I yes did drunk voice mail him just saying I hope his ok and miss him yes from reading this thread I can see I should of left it but I’m a women who thought we was happy his stayed at mine for weeks on end met my kids it’s so near Xmas plus his kids are coming on Sat the week he went funny we planned introduce the kids his going online every hour and it hurts that he hasn’t even said we over or to even give me a clear like am I single etc. Considering if I ignored him in past his called me non stop I find it all very double standards I only do this if was busy and didn’t have phone. I haven’t contacted him for 2 days I haven’t spoken him in 4 since the phone call but shall I just leave it am I single does he need time just need some help
Hi, sorry to post on this thread with a question but I was hoping for some advice.
I’ve been dating this guy for 3 months he’s currently going through a divorce and has three kids and due to his shift work and access arrangements with his children we see each other once or twice a week.
He is very guarded and sometimes closed off and particularly hard to read but we always have a great time together.
We spent last Friday together and he stayed (not for the first time) I popped him a text yesterday and have heard nothing since. Do you think he is having seconds thoughts? Should I back right off and allow him space no texts or calls. I’m 34 and he is 41 any advice appreciated.
Hannah, start a new thread…
The advice you get is most likely going to pertain to the first inquiry…