4 months in and suddenly he's gone quiet on me


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  • #358050 Reply

    Amy

    I’ve been seeing a guy for the last 4 months, and in the last month especially I’ve felt things have really ramped up and my gut instinct has told me we are both on the same page, although nothing has been discussed about ‘us’. On Tuesday night he stayed with me as he has done regularly now, and I felt more than ever that we were really close and he really likes me – some of his comments, some of the looks, were just another level from before. We were sad to leave each other in the morning.

    But since then, nothing. I would usually get multiple texts from him every day, and calls, and arrangements to meet again. But since Wednesday morning he’s been silent which is out of character. It’s now the weekend and going by previous weekends I would have expected him to arrange to see me at some point.

    I really felt we were moving forward and it was mutual. How can I get it so wrong?

    #358058 Reply

    Harley

    You haven’t got it wrong. he’s pulling back a bit to think about how intense he got with you the other night. He WILL be testing your reaction now.. so RELAX. NO blowing up his phone. Or neediness, or whinging, or tears, or “I miss you , why aren’t you talking ”

    Keep yourself busy, STOP being insecure and TRUST he will be in touch !

    #358060 Reply

    Amy

    Hi Harley – thanks for your answer, that’s really not what I was expecting! I was expecting people to say he’s gone, forget it! I really hope you’re right as it’s been a long time since anything worked out for me, and I honestly felt like this was all falling into place… until now! I have plans tonight and tomorrow to keep myself busy. It’s very hard though!!

    #358065 Reply

    Lane

    Hi Amy.

    Listen to Harley. The one gift a woman can give to her man is SPACE. Men need a lot more space than we do because of how their brains are wired, so when he pulls back you pull back, when he pushes you push. Space also gives you some time to do things you’ve been neglecting to do. Relationships need oxygen (time apart) to keep the fire burning and a man needs to MISS YOU from time to time to keep the spark going.

    Odd thing is I was the one who normally pulled back when it got too intense and it would freak the guys out, lol. Just RELAX, stay calm, enjoy this “me time” and if he doesn’t reach out within a week then come back here.

    #358493 Reply

    Amy

    Well just to update… I have heard from him, but it’s different. Less frequent, less enthusiastic, something has definitely changed and it has really upset/unsettled me. I really felt we had such a great time the last time I saw him that I am so confused that he has gone so cold on me. I can only think I did something to put him off. Not sure what to do next, I have replied to his contact when he’s been in touch and kept it light and breezy, no nagging or asking him what is up or anything like that.

    Should I take his withdrawl as a sign he’s trying to wind things up and move on? I need a plan of action before I lose my mind!!

    #358506 Reply

    Harley

    Not sure which way this could swing. MAYBE… he is still thinking it all through.

    Plan of action… CONTINUE on as you are… light and breezy.. for the next 2 weeks. Mirror him.. he texts once a day, you text once a day, he texts short, you text short. SEE if he arrranges to meet. If he’s pulling back more , let him go, give him space STILL. he’ll either swing back or not.

    UNFORTUNATELY it is crucial now you don’t lose your head. Stay calm, don’t ask him anything as you said. Just light and breezy. This is head-wreaking time but you have to suffer it !

    #358538 Reply

    celesteannv

    Ditto what the ladies here say. I am with my guy almost a year and am starting to recognize his pattern. Ww will have a wonderful weekend and he will pull back. I back off for a couple of days and he comes forward. Then we are in balance for a couple of weeks to a month and do the dance again.
    On the flip side, I was distracted yesterday and unusually quiet. He must have sensed it and really stepped forward.He was especially sweet last night on the phone.
    So point is. DO NOT flip or take it personally. Give him some space and keep busy. He will come back if you can keep from going into needy mode. Also a point to remember is that you are moving into the “comfortable” phase where the wooing slows down and the getting to really know you happens.
    Enjoy it!

    #358545 Reply

    Harley

    GREAT to have you back Celeste !

    #358660 Reply

    Amy

    Ok thanks guys, I will try really hard to mirror him and stay breezy. Interesting what you say about “the dance” celeste as that’s what this feels like. I just don’t understand how everyone else manages to dance off into the sunset and I can’t even get past the first few steps. Thank you for your advice, I will sit tight and let you know if there are any updates.

    #358687 Reply

    Amy

    Oh Celeste, my bf does exactly what your bf does. It had started one month into our relationship and it is the third month now.

    At the beginning I was panic. But I managed to be calm and pulled back myself as well. Then he came back the next day. Now I found it a pattern. Although he won’t go far but he is persistent about pulling away after every weekend getaway. Sometimes it lasts for a whole evening, sometimes one day. It depends on the duration and intensity of our weekend dates. When he does come back afterwards, he would sound a little bit “cold”, but then when grows warm and hot gradually throughout the rest of the week till our next date on a weekday or on the weekend. The most recent one was last week, he did reach out to me within hours, and he also called the next day, but I could just feel he appeared distant than usual. I am just wondering when the dancing will end or it never will???

    #358698 Reply

    celesteannv

    Hi Harley… busy weekend :)
    Amy.. I think it will continue, but I know that I don’t stress as much as I used to as I recognize the pattern.
    Ubderstang that process was a lot was easier said than done as I was in a totally dysfunctional marriage for a long time so I had to relearn what was “normal”
    J has a very busy life and business struggles so I give him space for that and keep busy. I do miss him at times but when we are together, he is a peach.
    I figure that over time he and I will adapt our dance to the point that we don’t even notice it.
    Good luck and breathe :)

    #358700 Reply

    mel

    Amy I just literally went through this I don’t think it is quite over but like you have been together for four months had a great weekend getaway then BAM quite but he called finally and appoligized it wasn’t me but his family pushing him to make a bigger commitment like marriage lol I nearly shit myself because that is so not where I am at so maybe it isn’t you at all but an outside force just sit back and see how it plays out believe me I know how emotionally wreaking it can be go out with a girlfriend vent and then wait but when you do talk be honest tell him how you feel

    #358712 Reply

    Amy

    Mel, I am not the original poster. My guy always backs off for a day or half a day after every weekend date. He has brought up the topic about marriage in our last 3 dates though.

    #358719 Reply

    Harley

    WOOHOO MEL ! ALL Is ok …in a fashion. Bet your delighted. Don’t panic if there is a next time.. give him a chance to explain ! Feck me, I’m jealous. wish someone wanted to marry me ! AWW… romance is alive and well !

    Amy2.. too early to be doing the marriage thang with his mancave thang !

    #358726 Reply

    Amy2

    Oh I just realize I happen to have the same name.

    Harley, I know it is too early and he is probably only testing to see what my response would be. But I am already finding it very hard when we are apart. Sometimes I feel I am losing control.

    #358728 Reply

    Harley

    AMY 2 ; How long are you together and what age are you ? HOW often do you see each other ???

    HAVe you got your own life, circle of friends when apart ? It’s healthy to have your opwn space. Guys liek independent girls, not clingy , needy girls ( are you this ???.. maybe you are not !)

    MEN.. ALWAYS need their own space. It’sa guy thing and you have to stop taking it personel. When he goes.. keep yourrself busy, have !”me time” .. beautician, new hobby, whatever.

    WHEN he springs back.. welcome him with open arms. perhaps tell him you wish he would let you know when he needs time along, as you fell hurt that perhaps he had an accident or something.

    GOOGLE the RUBBER BAND theory and it should shed some light for you.

    #358732 Reply

    Amy2

    Hi Harley, thanks heaps for the advice. He is 31 I am 30. We r together for nearly 4 months, meet twice a week and he texts and calls everyday when we r apart.

    He has a big circle of friends and has a very supportive family. Nowadays he is busy setting up a business. I understand he can get quiye busy sometimes. I don’t have many friends. I like it when someone being consistent. He is consistent so far with communication but his rubber banding, which happened after every weekend date really bugs me.

    I have never talked about this with him. I asked at the beginning whether he is a guy who needs lots of space he said yes. So each time when it happened I would convince myself to respect his needs for space.

    I don’t think he is aware of the hurt it brings to me. In fact, he is quite happy with me. He is even surprised why I never got upset. He said I know how to take care of a man. But deep down I really feel insecure and hurt at times. I never complain because he always comes back before I got out of control so I haven’t got a chance to do so. But I really wanna let him know I have a problem about that. If he goes silent for over a day I might dump him.

    #358737 Reply

    Amy2

    Hi Amy2 – sounds like you have a similar story to mine although yours is going a lot better if he’s thinking marriage!! I’m the OP, I’m 36 and he’s 34 and we live about 3 hours apart, but I really thought it was going so well and now BOOM! silence. Last time I saw him was last Tuesday when he stayed the night – it was better than great, I felt the connection was deeper than ever. A couple of times he was staring at me so intensely I said what are you looking at and he said am I not allowed to look at you? (In a sweet way) we are very close physically, sleep wrapped up together (I NEVER do that!!) and we had such a laugh, in fact one of his comments was “I make you laugh too, don’t I” as in him thinking things are good between us – OR HAVE I GOT THIS ALL WRONG??

    So in the morning off he goes, I know he had a big meeting on the Wednesday so I didn’t contact him thinking he would be in touch when he was free. But nothing all day wednesday or all day thursday.

    Then on Friday at lunchtime he said he was in town and could he pop by after work. I had already arranged a night out with friends who I couldn’t let down so I said sorry I was busy. So he went back up home that night and I didn’t see him. Then he texted very late on Saturday night with some sweet stuff and it was left with night night etc.

    However absolutely nothing since then.

    This is not how it was before last Tuesday – I was hearing from him all day every day, he was making plans to see me as much as possible, we were very natural in our communications and I felt this was it, we were becoming proper girlfriend and boyfriend.

    Have I read too much into this? Should I still just sit tight? Have I done something wrong? I’ve been trying to be cool but this is making me frantic and I can’t concentrate at work at all. Help!! x

    #358738 Reply

    Amy

    ARGH WHY HAS IT POSTED TWICE _ SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION. I’M THE OP…

    Hi Amy2 – sounds like you have a similar story to mine although yours is going a lot better if he’s thinking marriage!! I’m the OP, I’m 36 and he’s 34 and we live about 3 hours apart, but I really thought it was going so well and now BOOM! silence. Last time I saw him was last Tuesday when he stayed the night – it was better than great, I felt the connection was deeper than ever. A couple of times he was staring at me so intensely I said what are you looking at and he said am I not allowed to look at you? (In a sweet way) we are very close physically, sleep wrapped up together (I NEVER do that!!) and we had such a laugh, in fact one of his comments was “I make you laugh too, don’t I” as in him thinking things are good between us – OR HAVE I GOT THIS ALL WRONG??

    So in the morning off he goes, I know he had a big meeting on the Wednesday so I didn’t contact him thinking he would be in touch when he was free. But nothing all day wednesday or all day thursday.

    Then on Friday at lunchtime he said he was in town and could he pop by after work. I had already arranged a night out with friends who I couldn’t let down so I said sorry I was busy. So he went back up home that night and I didn’t see him. Then he texted very late on Saturday night with some sweet stuff and it was left with night night etc.

    However absolutely nothing since then.

    This is not how it was before last Tuesday – I was hearing from him all day every day, he was making plans to see me as much as possible, we were very natural in our communications and I felt this was it, we were becoming proper girlfriend and boyfriend.

    Have I read too much into this? Should I still just sit tight? Have I done something wrong? I’ve been trying to be cool but this is making me frantic and I can’t concentrate at work at all. Help!! x

    #358743 Reply

    Harley

    BOTH AMY’s : relax, chill, the guys will be back. You both need to TRUST these guys and deal withthe insecurity. Amy 2. make more friends, Both of you , keep so busy you are exhausted.

    let the guys know( when they are relaxed, in good form.. not bad form) you feel hurt when they don’t get in touch to say they are taking “time-out”, as you worry maybe they are ill or something. DOn’t get all mushy and say you miss them or anything.. screams of neediness.

    GUYS.. cannot multi task like women. WHEN they are focused on work, like BOTH these guys ARE.. YOU lose out. IN THEIR peas sized brains, they are earning money to give YOU a good time/providing for you.. they think they are doing YOU a huge favour. They are TOO STUPID top realise they are neglecting you.

    Both of you.. TELL them you appreciate how hard they are working, how motivated they are to succeed and you REALLY admire and respect them… they’ll be in your arms before you can blink !

    #358748 Reply

    Amy

    Harley I hope you are right. You give great advice!!! But do you think I was reading too much into all the things we said/did the last time we saw each other? Maybe he just sees this as sex after all, and he’s too busy just now to be bothered with it?

    #358753 Reply

    Harley

    Amy 1.. stay calm. es.. I dothnk you are overthinking as in that it is UPSETTING YOU. TRUST..what will be,will be. 4 mhs is a crucial time perid.. the guy is freaking out deciding whether to call you GF not, be exclusive or not. HE is waiting to see HOW you handle this time period.

    I cannot say for definite he is gone/he is coming back.. if he is gone.. you are better off, if he is back.. you have growna as a wonman and handed it well. teh fact thaat he has already been in touch bodes well.

    Unfortunately you have to wait it out. there is no magic solution. TIME is the solutiion….it always tells. NO consolation I know. KEEP BUSY. DO NOT contact,as this is just annoying the guys and turning them off/bugging them.

    #358756 Reply

    Amy2

    Thanks Harley. I got caught up in the situation but I am very aware of how much I need to work on myself. Thanks for knocking some sense into my head.

    Hi Amy, I feel for you. I don’t think it is only sex after all. He chose you.. and there gotta be something else other than sex that attracts him in the first place. Find it out and keep it. Give it some more time. I know it is hard. But only time will tell. Fingers crossed.

    #358758 Reply

    Harley

    We all need head knocking ! I met a cool guy mate abroad a few weeks ago and he don’t want to know me. BOOHOOHOO. But… I’ll survive. But.. I have learned to not chase, keep busy and HIS LOSS. So.. it’s all good.

    #358761 Reply

    Amy2

    Harley, I re-read your advice and I really appreciate it. Wish I could be relaxing and mature like you someday :D

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