4 months in and suddenly he's gone quiet on me


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals 4 months in and suddenly he's gone quiet on me

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  • #359094 Reply

    Harley

    Aye Rebecca.. there’s a few of us. 2 Scots and lonesome little old me ! Glad to hear all working out for you.

    #359116 Reply

    Amy

    Well just to update… so he drove down to see me last night (his idea) and it was all lovely again. Can’t help freaking out again today that he will go quiet again though.

    We didn’t talk about his quietness last week but he did allude to how he feels about things in a few ways so we kind of danced around the issue a couple of times. I KIND of think it’s positive, but really I need to actually ask! I think that’s one for another thread to save any naming confusion! My new name will be Sassperilla just FYI!

    Really finding this forum helpful though and all your advice is brilliant. Keep it up girls, and I hope I can help some of you in return.

    #359118 Reply

    Rebecca

    Thats good he came to see you – making an effort :)

    #359121 Reply

    Harley

    Hi Amy.. the guy is DOING IT ALL RIGHT. It’s YOU we have to work on darling !

    Lots of hugs and kisses.

    #359135 Reply

    buttercup

    I know I’m probably a bit late to join the conversation here but I just wanted to say I react exactly the same way when my fella pulls back. Harley can confirm this….she’s supported me through it enough!! Lol

    Only difference is I’ve been with him 18 months now. It all began around the 4 month mark though. And still happens now.

    Only difference is I handle it better now. Not a lot, but it doesn’t wear me down as much as it used to.

    It always happens after he has been over the top loving, talking marriage etc. He’s almost always quiet on a Monday after we’ve spent the weekend together. And every Monday I get the same feeling in the pit of my stomach. That ‘oh no he’s losing interest’ feeling.

    What I mainly wanted to say though is…. Could he also be thinking you have gone quiet on him? Could he be thinking ‘shit, maybe I got too heavy and full on and she’s backed away?’ and now he’s treading carefully and testing the waters to see how you feel?

    I ask this because sometimes when my fella has gone quiet and held back, I hold back too. Eventually he will contact and has asked if I’m playing games with him. Other times he has questioned why he is always the one to call, and that I never call him. Last week, and he ALWAYS makes contact first thing, it got to mid afternoon and I had heard nothing all day. I was stewing on it, determined not to initiate. In my own assumptions I thought maybe I’d annoyed him, or that he was upset, angry or dealing with something himself. Come 3pm he texts…’thought I’d give in and text you first seeing as you haven’t text me’. See, we were both waiting for the other one. Makes it feel like a really immature game!

    And I hate it!

    I’m now trying to limit texting. In the hope it will increase actual phone calls!

    He called yesterday at 6.30am. Then nothing all day. Usually I’ll get some form of contact in the evening. But I didn’t. Again I was getting in a flap about it. Worrying about initiating myself. At 9.30pm I see he has commented on my FB status. (something he rarely does). Hmmm, trying to catch my attention I reckon, coz I hadn’t contacted him all evening! Still I held off. 10.10pm I finally get a text, saying night and he’ll call me in the morning. I think he was waiting all evening for me to initiate.

    Over all though I think this is an issue that affects us girls much more than the men. He says I dont need to worry about this initiating business. He says if I wanna text, then text, if I wanna call then call. But I dont because its drummed into us everywhere that we mustn’t! (which I truely believe we should hold back in the beginning).

    I think deep down he’s more insecure than he comes across. He just would never show it.

    I just wanted to throw another angle on the situation thats all. There is no reason why you cant just drop him a text if you haven’t heard from him in a day or two. Just dont blow up his phone! Keep it light and cool.

    #359139 Reply

    Harley

    Well said B. And yep.. guys ARE insecure too.. they LIKE to know they are loved.

    Different cultures/continents have different dating “rules” so to spek.

    With Americans.. the guys seems to do most of the work in the calling, dating, paying stakes.

    In Europe.. it’s 50/50.

    I am starting to notice the differences in how we date !
    Americans appear to handle multiple dating and 2no expectations” great.

    Europeans.. only date one at a time and HAVE expectations, we get our hopes up TOO high, Too early and then get them dashed.

    Sorry.. I digress !

    #359143 Reply

    Sassperilla

    Wow Buttercup thank you for that! I actually think you could be spot on there. The more I think about it, having seen him last night and how absolutely normal it all was, and how keen and happy he was to see me, that actually was it ME last week who was being the weirdo and holding back?!

    You are also right that we have it drummed into us by all these silly books (which I am very guilty of reading) that tell us men should do ALL the running, initiate all the contact, take the lead. But what if just sometimes they freak and think, woah I’m coming on too strong, maybe she’s not as interested as me, maybe I should see if she will contact me or start to miss me if I pull back a bit?

    Honestly, can’t help gushing about the absolutely golden advice on this forum! I think I have read every post in the last few days and it has talked me down from the ledge big time!! You’re all great, thanks x

    #359145 Reply

    Harley

    Yup.. my ex pulled away at the 4 month mark too. must be a built in time bomb on guys !

    And yes.. this forum rescued us all and taught us loads.

    #359151 Reply

    Mel

    Quite honestly guys the American thing is only that way in the big cities
    out in the country or rural areas where I live, you don’t date multiple people at the same time that will get you a bad label fast lol

    Also I agree with the texting or contact. My guy he gets funny too if I don’t contact him he thinks something is wrong, now granted I don’t blow up his phone at all and I try and mirror his.
    But I think as long as you don’t go psycho overboard then it is okay to send a Hey how you been message.

    #359206 Reply

    Amy2

    I also sense my guy is more insecure deep down than he comes across. But he has the ability to “forget” things. Maybe he did think about “has she gone cold on me?”, but he won’t dwell on it. One time I went out till midnight and my mobile was turned off. He only texted me a few texts with the last one saying “hun, where are you is everything ok?” Then he went to bed. But if I were him, I would have blown up his phone.

    I certainly think he wants me to put in more efforts and send him some signals. But my guess is…he is quite straightforward. When he is detached he is detached, dying for space and for regaining autonomy. If he senses a problem he would ask it outright. Other times he would be too busy to think negative about me.

    #359211 Reply

    celesteannv

    Not so sure of ALL of us in US jandke no expectations so well lol.. although I actually did enjoy multiple dating for a while. Got me over crazy fantasy building.
    J and I at 10+ months and intiating is about 70/30% him – me.
    Last week he was very withdrawn. . But the prior week I had spent 6 nights out of 8 at his and THEN he visited with me and my parents for 3 nights straight.

    However after I was out of sorts a bit this weekend had to bow out of an event Sunday to do stuff at home, he told me how he wished I could have come and had initiated contact 1-2x per day since.
    I really don’t think J .. or most guys evaluate this like we do. They need space, they take it. They get space, they miss us, they come find us.
    Pretty simple actually.

    #359255 Reply

    Amy2

    Ok…I said it before that he is back to normal but actually not….. I can feel there is a major shift in the relationship where he is settling in, becoming more comfortable and shifting more focus back to his work. I can feel he is having a busy week. He says good morning everyday as usual and texts me every evening when he finishes work. I am starting to think he may soon stop sending these texts because the act of sending these texts itself is quite boring …and then I would get really upset when he stops. After a very nice day at work feeling overly joyful and fulfilled, the moment I got his text that was plain and not si sweet, I immediately jump back to a depressed mode. Now I am totally under his control, if he texts something sweet I feel happy otherwise I am down. Now I don’t know what are the healthy expectations I should have and what are the unhealthy ones?

    #359257 Reply

    Harley

    Healthy expectation : trusting him, and the relationship.

    Unhealthy : expecting him to text every day, freaking out when he doesn’t, being needy, insecure regarding the texts.

    HE IS BUSY AT WORK. .YOU aren’t his primary focus right now. YOU .. have to deal with that. STOP.. thinking he loves you any less becasue he is focused on something else.

    Guys.. don’t like texting. They text for a purpose… i.e what time YOU… rally have to deal with yourself here. Youa er fare too inscure and no confidence.is dinner, are you eady for the date yet.. not chit chat and NOT.. every day.

    You are far too insecure. he will sense this, if not already dand it WILL drive him away.

    the same old problem crops up here : YOU ! You have to get yourself under control. Get a life outside of him. Get counselling/therapy for your low self-esteem/insecurities. Appreciate him for what he does right. STOP.. expecting soo much of him. Guys will disappoint.. you have to deal with it.. unless it’s something terrible like an affair.

    #359261 Reply

    Amy2

    Sigh…… Harley, but he initiated this whole morning text by himself. I compliment him a lot for doing it and that’s probably why he makes an effort to keep it. I know it is not sustainable. If he reduces contact in the near future, should I pretend that I do not notice it??

    #359266 Reply

    Harley

    Amy.. you are WAY overthinking this. Making it worse for yourself.

    FOCUS.. on what I’m advising you to change IN YOURSELF.. for the better, NOT on him.

    IF.. he arranges dates, sees you , compliments you ,then it’s ALL good. Texting is crap. Forget about it.

    Yes.. you preetend you do not notice it. Mirror his actions.. he text’s once, YOU text once. his text short.. YOUR text short. He pulls back and needs space.. YOU.. give him space.NO blowing up phone, NOO texting.. He will be back… IF you are not needy and insecure.

    #359267 Reply

    Amy2

    Aww… Harley,,, I have never complained, nagged, blew up phones so far and always mirrored his actions. Ok.. I will sign up for some clubs and classes. Hopefully it helps. At this point, I feel I am exploding any second.

    #359273 Reply

    Rebecca

    Amy,

    my boyfriend didnt text me all day yesterday until I got a phonecall after 9pm. A few months ago I would of freaked out about this, but I have learned to relax and realise he has alot going on. I can be quite insecure at times.
    Dont get me wrong I was still abit like “ugh i Just want him to say hi” because he usually phones me when he gets out of work, I thought he was just working and went straight to football….turns out he didnt even get to football because he was working late. But he still made the effort in his own time because I didnt pressure him when he was busy. He ended up facetiming me later AND sending me a night night text because he knows I like that.
    It takes time to get into a routine but if you have your own stuff going on you’ll be less focused on him

    #359274 Reply

    Rebecca

    Sassperilla your last comment made me smile! I read every post when I thought I was heartbroken at the start of the year, the ladies on this are so supportive and bring you back to reality! x

    #359282 Reply

    Amy2

    No. I am freaking out because of something else. I have got an impression that he is such a man that craves for freedom and space yet he is reporting his daily schedule to me except when he detached himself after every weekend date. I totally LOVE it!! But on the other hand, I am worried that the moment I let down my guard and fall for this habit which he set, he would stop doing it. Maybe I am thinking too much. But he does it better than I expected, which had raised my expectation. I don’t know whether this is the real him or he is also under disguise like I am.

    #359285 Reply

    Harley

    Amy.. stop thinking. It’s doing you no good. live a relationship FOR NOW.. not ” what will he do next ” ! he is doing his best to reassure you with the constant texting but OF COURSE it will taper off. THAT.. IS to be expected. Guys get busy, tired.

    Habits change.. with everybody.

    YOU ” letting your guard down” ia a major problem with you.. trust, neediness, insecurity.

    We are goiing round in crcles here. If you don’t TRUST hinm.. your relationship will not work out.

    Consider some counselling /empowerment books/night classes.Taking on more work/volunteering, going to ” meet up”.

    #359287 Reply

    Amy2

    Ok Harley…. thanks..

    #366098 Reply

    Jill

    Hi Ladies,

    Am in exactly the same position! Have been seeing my guy for three months, and suddenly he has gone cold, distanct, shorter and less sweet texts simply answering my questions curtly, and doesnt want to meet when I suggest – for the first time since we met! I too felt that I needed some ‘me’ time to ocus on the rest of my life, but also felt that he IS a part of my life so didn’t listen to my instinct and asked him if he could meet up on the weekend, to which his answer was an extremely curt no….So I guess I should just give him some place? Jill

    #366100 Reply

    Harley

    it doesn’t sound good, his short answer.

    I’d go NO CCONTACT and start dating other guys.

    He’ll be back… in time.. see whether his explanation is good enough OR NOT. Don’t settle for crumbs from him.

    #366106 Reply

    Mel

    Yea hun I agree with Harley at 3 months a firm NO to see eachother is pretty fishy. Go No contact and start living for you
    And he better have a damn good explanation for that.

    #373297 Reply

    Leah

    Hi, I just discovered this..and I realised you give really good advice thanks so much..I think I have got somewhat of an answer to a pressing question…well lets keep my fingers crossed

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