OK… I’m confused. How do you get a guy to text you back?
The guy I’ve been dating for the last two months used to text me back right away whenever I texted him. He would send me sweet messages, he’d never leave me hanging, and he seemed really into me.
However, for the last two weeks I feel like something changed. Now there have been times where he won’t text me for a day or two and when we do text, I feel like it’s always me initiating the conversations. It went from him showering me with attention and affection to him not responding to texts for hours.
I don’t know what changed but I have this horrible feeling I screwed something up or maybe I’m bugging him. I’ve eased up on the texts (just in case I was overwhelming him), but for the times I really want to hear from him can you tell me how to get him to text me back?
Let me start off by saying that if you’ve ever read anything by me, you know that honesty is my brand and I don’t sugarcoat my messages. I’m prefacing my immediate answer with that disclosure because I don’t want you to mistake my bluntness for rudeness. Everything I’m saying is with the intent to help you… that’s why I’m here.
In terms of you wanting him to text you back, my most blunt question is: What’s there to gain and what’s there to lose?
Let me explain…
First: What’s there to lose?
I’ll share some of my personal experience…
I work all the time. From the moment I’m up to maybe an hour or two before I go to bed, chances are I’m working… it’s what I do. It’s who I am.
So throughout the day, I get texts from all different people. My employees. My friends. The woman/women in my life. Some of those texts get responses immediately. Some don’t.
Here’s a list of the texts that I avoid responding to:
- Texts that are going to lead to a distracting conversation away from what I’m concentrating on
- Texts where someone wants me to drop everything to do something for them while I’m in the middle of something else
- Texts where they want me to be the audience to whatever drama or issue they’re experiencing at the moment
- Texts where I have to deal with something… anything.
- In short… texts that take something away from me (my focus, my attention, my positive mood, my sanity, etc.)
It’s not that I don’t like the people texting me… and it’s definitely not because I’m greedy or self-centered (I’m generous and I like giving to others… I put others first to a fault, to be perfectly honest.)
The fact is, I can only give so much and when I get a text that adds yet another thing to my plate of things to deal with, I’m likely to ignore it, or at least put off responding.
Before you know it, minutes turn to hours and daylight turns to past-midnight… all of a sudden, it’s too late to respond.
QUIZ: Why Isn’t He Texting You Back?
Texts that take energy away from me (or any guy) are more subtle than you think. I’m a considerate guy, but when I’m dealing with thirteen crises during my work day and a girl is texting me about how I should be texting her more and giving her more attention… that’s a drain I could do without.
I’ve talked about neediness so many times before that I don’t feel like explaining it in great depth, but I’ll reiterate to say:
Neediness is a state of mind, not any specific action or actions.
It’s the feeling that if you don’t get some kind of emotional reassurance or validation from another person, then you won’t be “OK”.
Neediness is crippling to the quality of any relationship (whether it’s a guy or woman acting needy) and it’s something you need to prevent from creeping into your mind at all costs. Needy texts are guaranteed to be ignored by a guy. Personally, I don’t ignore needy texts out of cruelty – I ignore them because it’s an insatiable relationship monster that I don’t ever want to feed (metaphorically speaking).
MORE: A Guy’s Take on Neediness
What’s there to gain?
From another angle, you could say what does make him want to text you back? Eagerly even…
Well I’ll share the texts I most readily respond to immediately:
- Anything urgent or a crisis.
- Something light and funny, with no expectation for conversation or even a response necessarily.
- A work colleague who wants to do business with me.
- Anything from my family. No matter what.
- Anything hot and sexy (like I said, blunt honesty is my brand)
Let’s talk about that last one. If a girl wants to flirt with me over text and send me sexy pictures, I’m all over that. I’ve never portrayed myself as a saint and when it comes to sexting… well… that’s something I don’t mind dropping everything for.
Now before you march to my South Beach condo with a burning pitchfork, let me explain.
I work constantly and I work hard. I can’t express in words what a breath of fresh air it is when a sexy woman appears on my phone and her fundamental message is: I want you to feel good. I want you to be turned on. I want you to want me.
And if you think I’m being a pig with what I just said, I challenge you to find a man who disagrees – even the most feminized, wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly, harmless man would agree that if there’s a sexy girl sending him some alluring messages, you can be sure he’ll be all over that. Guaranteed.
However, my overall message here isn’t so superficial to suggest that sexting is the answer to all text message dilemmas. What I’m really driving at is if you want him to respond quickly to your texts and love texting you, then make the experience of texting you awesome.
Don’t make it a chore for him. Don’t make it a performance he has to do for you. Don’t make it something you chastise him about.
Be a woman that he loves to text because his life is more fun and more full with you perking him up. Orient your mind towards giving him what he likes, not on what you want to get from him.
Men love when someone makes their day lighter and simpler, not heavier and more complex. At the heart of it, that’s the secret.
QUIZ: What Is His Texting Style?
Is His Texting Style His Habit or a Troubled Relationship Symptom?
You’d be amazed at the number of questions I get about guys and texting.
One of the first questions I ask is, “How is your relationship when you’re together?”
I ask this because, to be quite frank, a lot of guys loathe texting. It’s just an annoyance. Granted, it’s much less annoying than a phone call (my God… did someone die? Why are you calling me… text me!), but I digress…
Point is, if there’s anything to pay attention to, it’s your relationship as a whole and the quality of the time you spend together.
I should mention something very important that a surprising amount of women don’t seem to know…
When I say pay attention to the quality of your relationship, I’m not talking about him talking sweetly to you. Or being nice to you. Or calling you pet names.
Heck, I’m always pleasant and good to any and every girl I’m with, but it doesn’t mean I want her to be my girlfriend.
MORE: When A Guy Won’t Call You His Girlfriend
The ultimate barometer of how he feels around you is how “accessible” he is to you.
Lots of guys know how to be pleasant, charming, and sweet while simultaneously being like teflon – you’re getting his charming performance, not true access to who he really is.
If he’s not letting you in and sharing what’s really on his mind (especially the stuff that he normally wouldn’t share with anyone else), then chances are you’re not really reaching his heart.
On the other hand, if when you’re together, you’re his sanctuary… his confessional… the woman with whom he shares the parts he’d normally hide… then it’s very likely that you’re entrenched in his mind and heart.
So in that context, it’s very likely that if he’s not texting you back, it’s more about his texting habits and not anything to do with your relationship.
I’ve written about texting many times before, so if you have more questions, leave me a comment and/or read my other related articles on texting.
Also, if you want some help figuring out if why he’s not texting back, the best thing you can do is click here to take our “Why Doesn’t He Text Back?” quiz and find out right now…
Hope it helps,