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How To Be More Approachable

The following is a scenario that will sound familiar to more than a few of you. You’re at a bar, you make eye contact with a cute guy, he has that undeniable ‘I think you’re really hot’ look in his eye, but he doesn’t come over and talk to you. You catch his gaze a few more times throughout the night, but still nada.

There are dozens of reasons why he may not approach but for the most part, it’s probably due to the signals you’re giving out and those signals are probably saying “not interested.” I Personally tend to get a little shy when it comes to guys I’m instantly attracted to and will look away, thinking I’m being cute and coy. In reality, I’m just being confusing.

I can’t imagine it’s easy for guys to muster the strength to go talk to girls. While I’m all for taking the initiative, it’s pretty universally understood that if a guy is interested, he’ll make a move. However, there are a lot of factors that might derail this first move and most of them have nothing to do with the way you look.

Did you ever notice that when you and your girl friends go out looking for guys, everyone usually end up empty handed whereas when you go out casually just to have fun, guys start flocking from every which way? When it comes to being more approachable, factors such as you’re attitude, stance, the company you keep, your expression, your energy and so on can’t be overlooked.

To end the confusion, I asked Eric, our beloved Ask a Guy, to break it down and explain what it is that makes a girl both approachable and attractive to guys.

And without further adieu, here it is:

First, let’s talk about attitude.

Attitude has a funny way of bringing about what we expect.  Attitude is a self-fulfilling prophecy (in other words, what you expect to happen will end up happening.) For example, take some typical women your age.  Imagine if every one of the girls you were going out with thought that men were scum, that men were out to use them and that they all-around hated men.

Any guy who wouldn’t fit that mold would avoid these women.  Why?  Because we can see from a mile away that these women aren’t happy and it’s not worth the trouble.  The only guys who would bother approaching women with this kind of attitude would be guys who don’t care whether or not you’re miserable and thus, will act like scum towards you.

Movies, television shows and the mass media like to portray that the “bitchy” girl gets the guy but that’s just not the case.  I do not want to date Sammi Sweetheart.

I’ve said it in other posts:  There is nothing more attractive than a happy woman.  Well… maybe a happy woman in a sexy outfit.  Anyway, my point is:  go out with a happy attitude and a healthy attitude towards men and you’ll be far more likely to attract high-quality guys into your life.  We like happy women who like men.

Drop the ego:  Some girls are silly creatures.  They fear losing themselves and losing control, so they can’t bear the thought of anyone knowing that they want to meet a guy. Love is a risky game – guys and girls have to put their hearts on the line if they want to play.  That’s the price of admission.

If you want to meet a guy, it doesn’t make you a slut.  It doesn’t mean you’re needy.  In fact, it means you’re human.  Be happy to own that you’d like to meet a guy and leave your ego at the door.

If you find yourself having trouble letting go, it’s an ego problem.  You’re trying to maintain some image for whatever reason and it is imprisoning you.  Let it go!

Have Open Body Language:
OK, so let’s cover some basic body language stuff.  Don’t cross your arms, don’t fidget, yada yada yada.  Pretty much if you want to get a guy to talk to you, don’t act like you don’t.  Life is not the movies…

Smile: Yes, again, look happy!  Don’t be the girl walking around with a puss on her face.  Don’t act like the diva who’s so cool she can’t look like she’s enjoying herself.  Smile, with warmth and openness.  Look like you actually enjoy life, ya know?

Eyes: If you’re looking down at the floor or staring around above people’s heads avoiding eye contact you’re not going to make much of an impression on people.

Make eye contact with men you find attractive.  Have a warm, inviting gaze.  You’re not staring down the guy or anything, I’m just saying don’t be afraid to make eye contact for a moment if you want to meet a certain guy.

Think generous: This goes back to attitude.  When I hit on women (hehe) I come from a place of being generous and giving to their evening.  I realize that they don’t know me yet and that they came out because they want to have fun.

So when I approach a girl, my attitude is from a place of being generous towards their fun evening.  It’s from a place of being inviting and open as opposed to wanting to get something from them.  My favorite kinds of women come from the same attitude of generosity when they interact with people, so I hope you take follow this advice as well.

Think shieldless: In most bars and clubs, the vast majority of people hide behind a social shield.  Women put on a super bitchy or super obnoxious persona.  Guys put on a super cocky or super important persona.  And then, after a night filled with interacting personas, everyone goes home drunk, horny, disappointed and alone.

There is no one people respect or envy more than the person who does what everyone else wishes they did themselves.  And in this case, it is the willingness to drop your social persona (shield) and be real.

Obviously not with everyone (we have shields for our reasons, albeit silly reasons) – but definitely drop the act with the guys you like.  We know the act, it doesn’t impress us.

Don’t be afraid to be the first person to be friendly, to tell a funny story, to share something about yourself, to be genuine.  If you want the people you meet to be genuine with you, be willing to be genuine with them.  If you want them to be fun and open, be fun and open with them.  Be the example of what you want from other people.

Choose your friends wisely: Women have an amazing culture of condemning one another, so it doesn’t surprise me when “shameless” would be the last thing that a girl would want to be.

Truth is, if you are going out with girls who are really going to judge you when you want to meet guys, don’t go out with those friends! They’re your friends, I know, I know.  But let’s be real here: if you have a friend that you know is going to talk dirt behind your back just because you wanted to meet guys, do not put yourself in that position.  Go out with girls who have enough confidence to be OK with you meeting guys without judging you.

Also, beware of the bitchy friend with a negative attitude who is gonna stare at any guy who approaches her friends like he crawled in from the gutter. This girl is an instant man repeller and will send out a negative energy that will ensure no guy gets within 10 feet of her circle.

Have fun (in and of itself): Like it says.  Enjoy yourself.  If you want to meet guys, great, but don’t make that the cornerstone of your evening.

Otherwise, you’ll come off as needy and desperate.  Not a good starting point.  Try your best to have the attitude of making the night incredibly fun, no matter what happens.

Nothing wrong with approaching: With all that said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you approaching a guy if you want to meet him.

He won’t think you’re needy.  He won’t think you’re a slut.  He won’t judge you for it.  In fact, he’d probably think of you as confident, fun and social – all positive qualities.  Trust me, guys appreciate it when you approach them – and hopefully he’ll have enough balls to continue the conversation once you start it. :)

Hope it helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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The attitude and the ego thing is MAJOR! It energetically transforms the connection between two people from frigid and cold to warm and familar in an instant. Plus its something you can control with a little practice or just FITYMI (fake it till you make it). I’d rather a fake Happy than an honest Miserable chick any day…

Reply April 30, 2012, 10:55 am


This is really helpful. I just got out of a relationship and have been trying to find a way to be more approachable (due to my ex’s distrust of everyone). But I haven’t been too sure on how to meet people since I don’t have much time with work and school.

Reply October 26, 2011, 11:06 pm

Eric Charles

True – the vast vast majority of men live a life of “quiet desperation” when it comes to meeting and approaching the women he’s interested in.
There’s no straight man on Earth who wouldn’t want to be approached by a woman. At worst it’s a compliment and at best it could turn into a connection or something more.
When I work with guys, I do everything in my power to encourage, inspire and empower the guy to approach women he’s interested in – for many reasons, it’s in everyone’s best interest that he does.

Reply April 25, 2011, 4:00 pm

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