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5 Common Misconceptions About Love


… (Previous page – 5 Common Misconceptions About Love) letting go of resentments from the past–be it ex boyfriends, your parents, your friends–make an effort to let go of any lingering resentment you feel because the truth is, holding onto this negativity is hurting you more than anyone else. When you hold onto faulty beliefs such as, “All men are commitment-phobes” or, “The guys I like always dump me” you sow the seeds for a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, when you carry the idea that all men are afraid of commitment, you will instinctively put walls up and won’t trust the guys you date. As a result, you will never be able to get to that level of openness and trust necessary to create the kind of connection that leads to love.

MORE: 4 Rules to Get the Relationship You Want

5. Love is All You Need
love-misconceptions-5 When we think of what it takes to have a lasting, happy relationship, people of course say love is the most essential ingredient, next usually comes good communication, shared goals, and the like. But no one ever talks about the importance of lust.

Love  and lust are often painted as opposites, with the former being pure, transcendent, and full of light while the latter is depraved and full of darkness. They say love is giving, lust is taking; love is selfless, lust is selfish. While in its pure, isolated state lust can be a negative thing,  so can love (at least, in romantic relationships). When your relationship is pure love, you have a level of comfort and familiarity. Married people and couples who live together know what this is like. You love your partner very much, and can be completely comfortable around them…but sometimes things become a little too comfortable and the passion you once felt is nowhere to be found. This isn’t the result of lack of love, it’s lack of lust.

When you are in an established relationship, you shouldn’t just sit back, sink into complacence, and assume he’ll just love you unconditionally. This is true to an extent, but if you want to keep the flames burning, you have to work on maintaining that level of lust. One of the most common reasons for breakups is the old, “I love you, I’m just not in love with you.” Usually what this means is “I no longer feel that lustful passion for you…I love you…but in the same way I love my family and close friends.”

In a romantic relationship, love will give you stability, partnership, acceptance, but lust will give you passion, fire, and sexual satisfaction.

While love is about accessibility and constant companionship, lust is a bit more forbidden, it’s about wanting rather than having. There are many ways to keep the lust alive in your relationship, you’ll probably discover them all by just thinking about how things were in the beginning of your relationship, back when you were overcome by a magnetic force of physical attraction. Try to maintain some mystery when you can, and getting back in touch with your more sexual side. Instead of going to bed in a ratty tee-shirt and shorts, invest in some sexy sleepwear. When you know he’s coming home from work, change out of your sweats and wear something alluring. There are countless ways to bring the spark back into a relationship, so just play around and see what does the trick for you!

Got another misconception about love to add? Tell us in comments!

 

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Nana Adwoa Yirenkyi

Thanks so much for this article. Everything about this article is very great.

Reply September 23, 2016, 4:19 am

Monarch

This a very good article packed with good relationship knowledge. But who is equipped to know how to handle an argument or indifferences when Love will not overcome the indifference. None of us, unless you are a psychologist. I have not met a man who is equipped to fix indifferences or even compromise! Again, it’s up to the lady to Fix the relationship.

It gets even more complicated when dating a man with kids and me being Single. There is definitely NO compromise, no bargaining on his part with lots of neglect. It becomes 2 against 1.
Honesty — everyone is holding out! We’re dating an imposture in the beginning. When you’ve been in the relationship for a long time then the real person comes out. How do we avoid this?

Reply April 18, 2015, 5:37 pm

Rashydah

thanks so much for the articles. I have learnt a lot from them and hope to get in a healthy relationship. seeing where I went wrong and trying to work on myself.

Reply February 3, 2015, 2:35 pm

Karen

Hello. Is this site ever updated with new articles? I mean, I know it’s free and all, but these same articles have been here FOREVER! Or is it my browser not updating?

Reply August 4, 2014, 2:06 pm

Tasnim

It was really helpful for me now!..Cause um going through this kinda situation..ur writings really make my mood sometimes..thank you.!

Reply July 10, 2014, 4:09 pm

kelle

I enjoyed reading this and other articles within ANM. I’ve recently entered the dating world again at 45! I have experienced love and agree that some loves aren’t meant to last. I have been fortunate to learn from experiences and not dwell on them as if they were mistakes. Truth is they were exactly where I allowed myself to be for the place I was internally. Becoming a widow at 40 has catapulted me into a personal discovery quest. During my grieving process I have found my true authentic self which I am convinced would have remained hidden had I not been placed in my situation. I am thankful for my eagerness to learn and move forward in my journey of life. I have a beautiful daughter, now 6, who will now learn from me how to have a healthy relationship with men. I’m now entering a relationship with a man that is amazing and shows such thankfulness for having met me. Because of things I’ve learned on ANM I have completely changed my approach to this relationship. It is refreshing to have a man pursue me instead of me chasing, worrying, clinging etc as I might have done in the past. Thank you for all the information you provide in your website and emails.

Reply July 9, 2014, 10:40 am

Anne

wonderful message….a reality check for many

Reply July 4, 2014, 4:26 am

Ana

Nice article, very true and interesting.

Reply July 3, 2014, 3:30 am

Mary

Yes, yes, yes. When you love yourself and know yourself, love will come your way. It’s not for the faint of heart though. It takes true courage to accept one another for who they are and love each other in spite (or because) of your differences. And lust is surely part of that mix. I have a wonderful boyfriend of two years + that has taken me to heights that I never would have known if I had not taken a chance on myself and been open to new experiences. It just keeps getting better and deeper the more time we spend together.
Keep up the good work :-).

Reply July 3, 2014, 12:05 am

ilena

This is truly one of the best love articles I have read, it actually brought tears to my eyes, it was very inspired and authentic. There isn’t anything that I disagree with here or that doesn’t resonate with me. I neve realized how love misconeptions could be written and broken down so simplistically but be seem so complete at the same time. Thank you Sabrina Alexis!

Reply July 2, 2014, 4:26 pm

heema

my life has been i love this guy we couldn’t be together so he went his separate way got married had a kid then i moved on and got married had two kids he came back when he was divorced told me all the things a girl or a woman wants to here and i felt for it because my marriage wasn’t what i wanted it to be so i started to get a divorce while i was getting the divorce we talked everyday about our dreams and desires our life together before my divorce was final he started pulling away saying we rushing he not ready he needs time and so on so i said ok we did rush we should wait then my divorce was final and we could finally be together he just said he realized that he don’t want a relationship all he could offer is friendship up till this day he has not call or text me to see if i am okay and all i could think about is how much i love him and i don’t blame him we were meant to be he came back to me we got a second chance but look were i end up with a broken heart a divorce separated from my kids and living with my family who makes me feel unwanted there because they are disappointed in me.all this because i believed in love.

Reply July 2, 2014, 11:40 am

Kira Loving

I really loved this article. In my last relationship I really felt like he was the one but it didn’t work out! I think one red flag I ignored was his comment on our 3rd date that he would change me and get me to give up my virginity to him.im a 19 year old virgin. It was ok at first with him but he tried and tried to get me to lose it and I wouldn’t. I kept saying im waiting for marriage! That put a strain on our relationship and we eventually broke up. It hurt so bad and I was so heartbroken. I couldn’t believe it. There were also other things that I ignored because I felt like he was the one and I could change him and make him fall madly in love with me like I was with him. It didn’t work out like that. Now maybe im looking in the wrong place for guys but it seems that they can’t get in a relationship without sex. Honestly when I get in a relationship I don’t go in it saying this is going to be a learning or growth experience im going in it for the long haul and I’m I’m putting my all and nothing less into it!

Reply July 2, 2014, 11:13 am

Alexis

Hey, you should be proud of yourself for not giving in to what you didn’t feel comfortable with. I’m in the same boat as you, I’m also waiting for marriage. But don’t lose faith! It sounds cheesy, but the right guy will accept that you are waiting, and he will respect that. I actually know of a couple, and the girl wants to wait for marriage, and the guy is accepting that because he really cares for her. They’ve been together for almost a year! The right guy will respect and accept all your beliefs and values.

Reply August 7, 2014, 1:47 pm

Chrissie

Thank you for sharing this with us, I totally agree with these misconceptions however there are very few in my circle of friends/family who think this way so I started to believe that the way I felt was wrong. You have helped me to see that they are a healthy choice for me and that I am on the right track towards a healthy strong relationship one day.

Reply July 1, 2014, 10:41 pm

rosa

was very interesting,as their /Sabrina’s and Erick’s/all articles.guys,you are great!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply July 1, 2014, 10:36 pm

Dina

This article talk about exactly how I have been feeling lately after I fell for a friend. I thought that if I tried hard enough that love would prevail, but I learned the hard way that ot doesnt work like that. Even though I tried to reach out to him to show him how much I cared, all I ended up with was a heart break. I even told myself that maybe I am not worthy of his love, that it felt so right when we were together that I couldn’t have been the only one feeling this way. But it was a hard pill to swallow when he cut me out of his life without an explanation.
But even though it hurts when I miss him,I am learning that my love for him was overrated and that I will survive after all.

Reply July 1, 2014, 7:43 pm

Anna

Its very hard to noticed when you not treated fairly, when all your life you have been treated poorly. Family and friend now boyfriends. I have long way to go! Please God help me break this cycle!

Reply July 1, 2014, 6:10 pm

Sabrina Alexis

I highly recommend you read the book “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix (I also recommended is to another reader who commented on this article). He really does a great job of showing how our past pains lead us into toxic relationships, and how to heal from it.

Reply July 2, 2014, 1:48 pm

Cheri

Actually, I believe all 5 of your “misconceptions”. The true misconception being spread is if your partner no longer satisfies you, find another. 1corinthians 13:4-8 tells us exactly what love should and should not do.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13:4-8 NKJV)
If everyone worked at developing these characteristics within themselves, I’m pretty sure it would last. But we get selfish, and we bail on commitment and responsibility. We’ve placed more importance on how we feel than developing solid character. Character stays committed to the commitment even when the feelings are disagreeing. Of course there are extenuating circumstances, but “falling out of love” is not one of them. Love is difficult, it does require compromises, it does last, you can just know. All kinds of emotions surface and create feelings of every kind, every day. But when it comes to right and wrong, you guard your heart and your mind from the things that create feelings that tempt you to dishonor the commitment you chose. It’s a serious choice that should be heavily weighed before making and then you choose to push all things aside, including your feelings, that is not beneficial to helping you succeed. Even if you have to do it alone. My actions, responses, reflect MY character. I can’t control his. I can only wait and choose someone who’s character and beliefs model my own. Old fashioned? Yes! But proven to be much more successful!

Reply July 1, 2014, 5:37 pm

Marilyn

I am a true believer that love happens when it happens. You can look for it, force it our make believe it’s there. I’ve experienced it all. Married and divorced 2x and been in a few very long term relationships in my 54 years but the love was different each time. People come into our lives for different reasons and not everyone is forever. We all grow and the odds of our significant other growing with us are not always good. But the one thing that I know for sure is that when you are with the right person it feels different. It’s more unconditional, easier and comfortable. You feel secure and happy most of the time. It’s NOT work. It’s natural and easy.

Reply July 1, 2014, 5:33 pm

Kat

This is the best article I have read on this topic. Very sensible and wise!

Reply July 1, 2014, 5:14 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Thank you! That means a lot to me :)

Reply July 2, 2014, 1:43 pm

Tay

I agree to an extent, I think that love can be so blissful, that it really is those little girl dreams come true….it holds all of the magic that I ever imagined….I believe that true love in it’s purest form is not something that can fall away….it is knowing in your heart and mind that nothing this person does or could do would make you turn away from them…marriage is a commitment before others, but choosing to love someone is a commitment in itself….I also believe that love is very much a choice, plenty of people choose not to love their significant other…and plenty of people choose to love their significant other…this is not saying that who we love is our choice, but definitely if we love and most ppl choose to love…because it is quite a glamorous idea.
My most important rule when in a relationship is that I am not about games, I need to be able to be honest and open about everything and I need the same, I don’t like guessing games, I don’t like thinking oh no I’m doing this wrong or right or however I like for my man to accept me and all of my flaws, and that includes my need to spell everything out in plain language just so that o know we are on the same page…..and He does it well!

Reply July 1, 2014, 4:43 pm

Sabrina Alexis

I totally agree with you on love being a choice, the problem is it’s not always a conscious choice for people which is why they end up falling for people who are very wrong for them. With the right clarity and insight, I think people can weed out the ones who aren’t good for them, and choose to love the right ones. I also agree about not playing games. At the same time, I think it’s important to always bring your best self to the table. So often women, especially those who have been hurt or frustrated, will throw up their hands and say: “I am who I am and I’ll say what I want and if he can’t deal it’s his problem!.” Not wanting to play games doesn’t a free pass to act on your every whim. But you’re right, in a truly healthy relationship, you should never have to hide who you are, or force yourself to act a certain way in order to make him feel a certain way about you.

Reply July 2, 2014, 1:42 pm

Julie

It just dawned on me why I accepted bad treatment and never saw it as being bad, is that I have been raised by bad people, my Grandfather and my father, they are both mean people so when it was showing itself I just saw it as normal why wouldn’t I every role model has been a @&$?. I remember being about 12 years old and being with my Grandfather when he came towards the car he told me all these horrible things and mainly about the lady being ugly, well I thought that it was wrong but I had nothing to compare it to, I only have them. Please people you are responsible for what you do and unfortunately I was set up for failure. Everybody laughs they all play and they fully justify the disgrace within themselves.

Reply July 1, 2014, 4:37 pm

Sabrina Alexis

So sorry to hear what you had to go through. It’s very true that the pains of our past can influence our relationships in negative ways, but it is fixable. One book I would recommend for you is “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix. It goes into a lot of depth on how past pains and traumas can impact our psyches and lead us to be drawn to people who aren’t good for us. It was a real eye-opener for me and based on what you described, I think it would help.

Reply July 2, 2014, 1:38 pm

Julie

My relationship was bad before we split up, it was bad from the start but I didn’t see it. The last ten years has been hell, all I have done is struggled and tryed to keep it together it was hopeless and it ended. 23 years gone. Now what I am trying to say hear is that good relationships do not end, why would they we were so happy and in love and now it’s over said no one ever, you are trying to makes something work which means that it is not working either fix it or get out but you should probably get out because I too thought it could be fixed, but your always fixing it it’s broken it’s over good relationships are not broken, do not start broken just get out.

Reply July 1, 2014, 4:17 pm

Michele

This makes so much sense and hits on so much I’ve been doing wrong in a current relationship! Wow! Thanks!!!

Reply July 1, 2014, 3:34 pm

Sabrina Alexis

My pleasure!

Reply July 2, 2014, 1:34 pm

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