Why men pull the disappear/reappear act?


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  • #529210 Reply
    Melissa

    I have been seeing this guy for 8 months and he was very attentive and caring. Holding hands and kissing in public and always had to have his hand on me. We had plans for Saturday and asked for a raincheck because he was helping his dad. Nothing strange his dad is a recent widower and needs help. Got a text from him on Saturday around 3 and nothing since. I have sent an email, 2 voicemails and some texts and nothing. Now it is Monday and I’m wondering WTF. My heart is broken and I feel so stupid. We are both 48 and you would think at our age this crap wouldn’t happen.

    #529211 Reply
    Melissa

    I’m actually thinking about going by his house tomorrow and making him tell me to my face what the deal is.

    #529219 Reply
    Line

    Happened to me couple of times but none of them came as a surprise. Although the dates went great, I could read the signals that a certain date was going to be the last one. In fact, I didn’t get emotionally invested in them. What’s more annoying is that they reappear after some time. I normally don’t refuse to go out with them for drinks but I make it clear it’s not a date but a friendly gesture. Then they disappear for good.

    #533851 Reply
    Leigh

    Yup, ghosting just doesn’t make sense. Since we have the texting option it is very easy to avoid giving bad news to someone whom you “think” might be too much into you. I think what is frustrating is “how do they know”. The beginning of a relationship is like an improv show. You play, make mistakes etc. But really does 2 date experience tell someone they can’t be with you? I also agree with the ladies in the 40 – 50 age range and ghosting at that age… really? Come on…..

    Why can’t we all be upfront and honest about what our stories are.

    I was just chatting with a male friend who is in his 60s about it. He’s dating a girl who he can’t be intimate with because she is uncomfortable. Well, if you are uncomfortable, figure out why and see if you can work on it. He wants to be with you so let your guard down and learn about it. There is so much baggage weighing us down that prevents us to reengage ourselves in being vulnerable to enjoy a relationship. For me, I want to learn about a guy who I have chemistry with. But with guys I don’t have chemistry with I am very direct with them. I tell them straight up. I am sorry it will not be a good fit.

    Why can’t men be that way.
    Are they really that sensitive to give a girl their honest feedback on how they aren’t interested?

    And why can’t we be friends if it doesn’t go further than the second date? Why do they have to end it?

    I would rather have a guy lie to me if he wasn’t interested in me and say “I am seriously dating someone so I can’t chat with you anymore.”… Ok.

    It’s fascinating to me how being honest is so hard to do.

    #554307 Reply
    Lou Knighten

    No need to have multiple paragraphs and not get anywhere. I’m a man. From experience, I know why. I used to do it myself. I was horny. Think of sex like a water well or oasis in the middle of a huge desert. You hang around the oasis until you’ve enough water to last a bit, you try to make it to the next oasis, but you don’t always succeed. If a man disappears and comes back…No nearby oasis. If a man disappears and stays gone, well, he found a more suitable oasis.

    In having said this, I’ve broke code. Men are going to say what I’ve written is untrue. It isnt. I was a terrible cad in my teens and 20s. The ladies I did that to and could find, I apologized to. I so deeply regret having just disappeared like I did now. They were all good women, stronger than me in so many ways. Except my first ex-wife, screw that b1t (h.

    #554308 Reply
    Phillygirl

    Thanks for sharing and being so direct Lou. What you said is no surprise to me, and it’s something we’ve tried many times to get across to women here.

    But it helps to have a man validate it. That is exactly why I never give a guy a second chance who pulls that on me the first time. Fool me once, shame on you. Second time? Shame on me.

    #560297 Reply
    Ellie

    Hi guys the same thing happened to me I knew of this guy for four months then after we finally spent the night together he texted to see if I was okay then completely disappeared..
    And he blocked me which was a shock…
    Seemed really nice but got scared !
    Whether I hear again from him ..who knows maybe he was married or my be not…

    Will see

    #560303 Reply
    alia

    Since reading this forum ghosting doesn’t seem like a capital offense to me anymore. As ladies will tell you silence is also an answer. So the guy didn’t feel it anymore, is he obligated to go back to you and explain? I find that he will only do that if he is a real strong healthy individual, or at least is on his way of becoming one.. It’s a good litmus test on a guy – how he handles difficult situations – such as a break up.

    When I think back, I haven’t particularly been ghosted, but if communication dropped and I felt a shift I have after some silence reached out (or the man has reached out), and asked questions and gotten satisfactory answers. Not happy answers, but answers that made sense from the guys point of view. This information made me a more empathic person actually and a better dater.

    #560339 Reply
    Ellie

    Ghosting is plain strange…I was ghosted before but only months later he reappeared..
    After the 2nd chance I gave the last one I blocked that guy…
    The same story this time they promise they love you but then can’t cope…

    #560464 Reply
    Jillian

    Nowadays, things are much different. Society has changed and men have changed their reason for dating women. In the past, men would be interested in a woman and have a goal in mind that would require a substantial investment. Even if sex was the goal, time, energy, and sincere effort at creating intimacy was often required. Dating apps and the virtual world have destroyed these efforts and instead have created a facade that makes men believe that they can have contact with a variety of beautiful women whenever they want with absolutely no effort. It is a complete farce that has devalued the significance of true relationship building and deceived men to believe that they are real casanovas because they send the most romantic combinations of acronyms and emojis. In reality, most men are completely inept at developing any sort of long-term connection with a woman because their social skills have been limited to social media.
    Women play a role in this as well. In desperation, we often succumb to the belief that these men are sincere. We want to feel authentically valued and it is easy to create a story around the minimal contact we are able to have among text messages. After a number of failed dates with men who ask you to “hang out” and then won’t even buy you a cup of coffee the spirit of defeat sets in. I have so many beautiful friends who remain single and this is their experience, too. I know this story too well, myself. Unfortunately, we often allow ourselves to be treated disrespectfully because we desire relationship with men so much that we settle for whatever we can get. I have even seen many of these beautiful women become serial daters with the hopelessness that they will have to date as many men as possible so that they don’t have to think about the last horrible dating experience where their man of interest showed his true colors by admitting after a few dates that he doesn’t want anything serious after all, or, he shows extreme interest and them goes “ghost” (disappears). Women also feel an even greater pressure to have children while they are still fertile. I think our society is going to suffer the long term effects of this. It won’t happen in my lifetime but I believe that we will get to a point where marriage and authentic romantic relationships will decline so much that the human species will be led toward survival thinking. In the animal kingdom all species think about survival and humans are no different. Relationships and marriage are the catalyst to procreation and men will begin to see that in order to leave their genetic material behind it will require them to pursue women with the investment of long term relationship and monogamy. My prediction is men will have “dated” and slept with so many women that they will get tired. The value of those “relationships” will ultimately plummet to zero before it resets to its original value, or, possibly even a greater one. I hope this happens sooner than later because I gag at the idea of dating it has gotten so bad. Love and light to all of you women who are searching for something of substance in this cesspool of garbage. And to the league of gentleman out there who remain genuine in their pursuit of love and marriage in the middle of all of this chaos, I love what you stand for. You are the strength that these women are praying for.
    Blessings to All.

    #560476 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Jillian, I am sorry to disagree with you….so sorry…but I do not see a happier future in the love department. I think that as long as there are ready available women and with technology advancing it will get worse.

    We cannot turn back the hands of time where marriage was a sacred place…mankind has moved past all that…and with birth control advances the fear of unwanted pregnancy is gone.

    Having sex with virtual strangers is now the norm…everything is faster but not better.

    I do not see that changing…I see a society where women have children but do not have a husband around. We see it shifting that way now…and with women making a living it will get worse as men do not have any reason to be tied to a family anymore…other than some money.

    #560559 Reply
    Shannon

    RCS, you are probably right. I have slowly come to the realization that I may never find someone to settle down with, and if I want children, I may have to have them on my own before it’s too late, or adopt. I can no longer look to a man to provide me with the missing pieces within me, I am going to have to be enough for me all on my own. I have struggled with this realization all summer.

    A friend of mine has been feeling suicidal. He said, “I feel like no one loves me.”

    I said, “I feel the same way, but I know that God loves me, so that will have to be enough.”

    #561643 Reply
    Jason D.

    hmm, well let me preface this will saying that I am a male. I have been good-looking all my life, with very good genes and career.

    I’d say about 25% (NONE of them FAT) of the women I’ve had sex with would leave me wanting more. If I’ve ever “ghosted,” as you say, it’s because I can find another female that has better “chemistry,” as you say if you are not being open to me to help me see what all you have to offer. But even if you show me all your wares, I may Still not be inclined to EVER come back to you as there are so many others that pop up eventually to choose from. If a female isn’t First, having a great attitude with me, and then Second, physically (clothed or unclothed) attractive to me, then I will NEVER return to you, unless you are physically attractive to me and did a 180 on your attitude (for whatever epiphany/reason your mind directed you to change because of). A (normal) male cares not for your job, your education, your aspirations beyond raising his/your children. All he cares about are Looks + Attitude. What blows my mind is when very ugly women or fat or old women think they have a CHANCE with me. It’s NOT gonna happen…period. Go find you an ugly or fat or destitute male if you have to…there are plenty of them THAT NEED A WOMAN. I will NOT raise your kids. Does a Lion keep the cubs of the Lioness’s first mate? No. He eats them.

    To the younger women: I’d suggest that you find a man YOUNG (before 25 at the latest) to marry cause many men today are waking up to the ridiculous female-tilted court system which threatens their nest eggs or potential finances. We think about Several factors while “dating” You. We “Ghost” more also, because the financial risk is more due to the unjust courts set up by the traitorous filthy politicians that you all voted for. They just want a Paycheck to give you ever what you want, ever greater “court” powers.

    If you are pretty and keep faith and trust in me almost every time I see you, then I will Never leave you, I will never “ghost” and you will have total opportunity to capture me for life (IF the divorce courts are decided by Jury (like a REAL court is) and not by Judge who are more often than not, wholly one-sided for women).

    #561659 Reply
    Jo

    Wow, Jason… You been divorced much? Lol

    Looks fade, darling. So enjoy yourself now,because those young pretty women will have younger, handsomer and richer men to pick from than you.

    #568709 Reply
    Grace

    I’m so relieved I read all of these stories/comments here. At least now I know I’m not the only one who experienced this. I hate to say I have let a guy ghost on me for like 3 times already. I feel stupid for letting him do that to me. Now I learned my lesson. And if ever he comes back with me with his lame excuses again (he’s busy with work or his line got disconnected but keeps posting on his facebook), I would totally ignore him. I’m a busy person too but I gave time to him. He doesn’t deserve to have a chance to me anymore. Definitely not worth my time.

    And yes, you are all right. Action speaks louder than words. Let’s all be busy improving ourselves even better. Cheers!

    #568710 Reply
    Grace

    It’s good to hear from guys as well. Made me realize the I should be even more careful cause a lot of them does this ghosting thing.

    #581105 Reply
    Al Bundy

    Male here. Just ghosting on someone is a dick move, no matter your sex. I can really only think of three reasons to stop responding to someone without explanation. First, something has gone terribly wrong in your life and you are withdrawing out of depression or as some desperate self-preservation tactic. Second, you have no respect for the individual you’re ignoring and no concern at all for their feelings or psychological well-being (in other words, you suck at being a human being). Finally, you are just too much of a cowardly little bitch (of either sex) to do the decent thing and tell them it’s a no go. As for the reappearance, I can only guess that they have decided to go with plan B (or C or however far down the chain) and you’re it, you lucky devil. Doesn’t that make you feel special?

    P.S. Jason seems to be struggling with a serious bout of red pill rage. Give him a break. The system IS grossly unjust, and when a man finally realizes just how bad it is and how much of what he has been raised to believe is true is actually an outright fabrication, it is easy to become extremely angry and bitter. Time will pass and Jason will be just another man who is jaded but wise to the way of the world. He is right to advise young marriage though, because men who see others go through the grinder a few times will abstain from diving in themselves. MGTOW don’t exist because things are rosy between the sexes.

    #581106 Reply
    Raven

    Al, You’re a day late & a dollar short…

    This post is 1 years + old, “Jason” hasn’t been around in ages & you really don’t need to disguise as a male to get your point across…

    #581109 Reply
    Marie

    Al Bundy said it all.

    #581333 Reply
    Pegvi

    So same situation is happening to me right now and is driving me crazy, I have been talking to this guy for 2 months, we had a friendship of 7years and it was awesome, he kept asking me to give him a chance as a boyfriend, I told him no for the longest time because I didn’t wanted to ruin our friendship if things didn’t work out, so kept pursuing me until I decided to give him a chance and I thought well we have known each other for 7 yes maybe things do work out..so we started dating and the first few weeks were perfect text all day, talk on the phone, have dates, good morning texts and all that cute stuff.. idk when things changed, one weekend he completely ignored my txts and calls,deleted me from fb and sc at this point I was so confused I just wanted an explanation and the following Monday he said baby I’m so sorry I was having issues this weekend (apparently his ex was going through his stuff and was trying to find out who I was) he said he deleted me so I wouldn’t have any drama.. I was like so you deleted the girl you’re dating instead of blocking your ex? That just doesn’t make sense and told him it was over because I didn’t trust him or believed any of the bs he was telling me..I mean all he had to do was pick up the phone call me an explain what was going on..no need to ignore my calls or txts right?? During that week he was begging me to take him back, that he was going to make our relationship work and he was going to try harder, that he wanted everything with me and that he just wanted to be with me.. So I believed him and took him back.. We spent thanksgiving together and comes Friday and he does the bs again!!! No txts, no calls, I think he blocked my number because goes straight to voice mail, I called him from my house number and because he doesn’t know is me well he answers, I’m trying to find out what’s going on and he acts like nothing is happening I’m going crazy up to the point that I want to come over his house just to get an explanation, I mean we are done, I just want him to tell me what happened if only last week he was begging me to get back together we were even making plans for the holidays and all that.. Idk what to do!! I need some advice here please!!! Today he didn’t text at all…. Should I even try to get an explanation from him??

    #581473 Reply
    Gia

    I feel better already reading your posts as I realized I’m not alone. But that’s sad cuz many of us are suffering from the same sh!t. I don’t know how to assess anymore. I don’t know how guys can be so into for like a week and just flipped within 12 hours. Dating is so frustrating, time consuming and draining. I don’t wanna play games, I just want to be with someone that I really like and it’ll last! Why is this so hard?

    #584780 Reply
    Overghost

    I’ve had this happen too much recently. I feel like it’s an apedemic. People, men and women have become cowards and don’t know how to just be honest with another human being. Plus everything is done via text these days so sending “hey sorry this is not working for me” is not that hard.

    I’m venting because it just happened again in the last couple weeks and sometimes it doesn’t sting so badly I just get annoyed because I feel like I’m way out of their league so when they ghost I’m like what the hell!! But this last one I felt like he was the one. I have never felt this way about someone, I just can’t help but feel like he is my person. Everything was going beyond amazing and then he went out of town and we had a tentative date for when he got back. The day he got back he sent a long text saying why he was just going to stay in.. he was sick and while he was home his grandfather was rushed to the hospital and he said he just needed to rest up and he was feeling really out of it. So obviously I was disappointed but I said feel better and hope your grandpa is doing better and then I made an inside joke about a job I had coming up. Nothing.. Nothing.. Nothing.. I finally after 5 days sent a friendly “how’s your week going” txt and still nothing. That was 3 days ago. I’m just beyond confused, usually I can pick up on red flags or when you go back through texts you see something you overlooked before. But I know he was into me, it was very clear we were both gitty and excited about this. And we both recognized the crazy amazing conversation and chemistry. And when he was away we texted and all seemed fine. So now it’s going on 3 weeks since we’ve seen eachother and 8 days since I’ve heard from him. I’m trying so hard to do everything I can to not think about it/him (work longer, go to yoga, see friends) but like tonight I can’t sleep so I’m obsessing.

    I think in my case the last couple guys have ghosted after it was getting serious like meeting my family or going to a big event together and I feel like sometimes they gohst because they are not ready to lose you entirely and they think that is leaving the door open. Even though it’s not!!

    But for me it is so infuriating to be ignored!!! All I want is answers, and I know I won’t get them or if I did it wouldn’t be what I wanted to hear anyways.

    I am a hopeless romantic and I believe everything happens for a reason and my person and I will find eachother one day but now in my 30’s and wanting kinds that day doesn’t feel very close. I def feel like I’ve become more needy in relationships because I’m ready for that next step and I want it so badly. But this most recent wanted all of that too.. so I’m not really following suit to all the others above because I probably should just forget about him but I will hold onto hope a little longer and then just hope that what’s meant to be will be and do me.

    It was really helpful reading through all of your stories so thank you for sharing!! Best of luck in your dating adventures and I will send some positive vibes and hope none of us have to go through being ghosted again!!!

    #592746 Reply
    Mian Ahsaan Rahman in California (from Boston) originally from Pakistan

    I am publishing the name of the guy who Houdini’s a friend.

    He came on strong, saying you are the “one”, she had a few good times but mostly he vanished without any planned dates.

    He basically “bootie called” her and left dating and relationships for other women he liked better here in Boston.

    Then when he acted nice and consistent it was because he was leaving Massachusetts for California.

    He also wanted to stay at her place when he was in Boston probably to see his other ladies when he’s in town. Great isn’t it!

    Oh also tried to leave on a high note, why don’t you visit me in the MiddleEast. Lucky she said no to using her place and to visiting a man who not even reliable for one lousy date here in the US.

    Also he was not honest he was leaving the state in less than a month, she would not have wasted part of Dec and Jan with someone who was leaving Massachusetts.

    I think he did this to her because he has done this to women all his life. People in general are disposal including his 4 children and exwife in Pakistan who he cheated on.

    Enough Said!

    #592762 Reply
    Algo

    Often they are dating multiple women (as us single girls are dating multiple men) and if 1 girl strikes his fancy a bit more just as you are dating, he might vanish. When it doesn’t work out, he might come back because he likes you too.

    It’s obviously not always the case, but I’m pretty sure it happens a lot.

    #592772 Reply
    Lake

    Some use it as a playing method – the so called hot/cold treatment – it can literally make the girl obsessed and the high league players consciously use it. Crazy making and mind games. Horrible.

    Others just see it as an easy exit, without having the need to explain themselves.

    In all cases, the immediate response must be dropping him like trash. Saves energy and nerves.

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