Stopped Contact – Really Struggling & Feel so Down


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This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Alex 5 days, 4 hours ago.

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  • #776994 Reply

    Alex

    Hi Guys,

    Recently, I stopped contact with the girl who I thought the world of. This was so hard for me to do but she was stringing me along (covered in another post – ‘What Should I Do? Really Difficult Situation’).

    Before I said we needed to stop contact, we was getting on so well which is why I think it made everything harder.

    I know deep down it’s the best thing to do for the situation I am in, but, I can’t help feel so down and so sad about it. Just struggling right now :(

    #776996 Reply

    K

    Alex… she wasn’t stringing you along. She told you she wasn’t interested in having you as her boyfriend.

    You’ve gotten yourself fixated on her and what you need right now is the dopamine hit you used to get from interacting with her. You’re going to need to find another more positive boost.

    Go work out or do something for yourself or hang out with your friends.

    She has made it clear she doesn’t want you so you’ve done the right thing to let go.

    This will get easier with every day that passes and one day when you’re with someone who you love and loves you back, you will look back and see this was absolutely the right thing to do and wonder why it was so hard.

    #776999 Reply

    Anderson

    I just read your original post. It was absolutely the right decision. I respect you for standing up for yourself. This is the definition of courage. Nothing brave about those who make the choice that comes easy to them. Don’t be surprised if she contacts you. Stay strong and as hard as it may be, maintain the no-contact.

    #777000 Reply

    Alex

    Thanks!

    I suppose luckily, she is very stubborn and has got a lot of pride so I don’t think she will message. This will only make it easier.

    Just at the moment I am struggling but like you say, hopefully it will get better over time.

    #777024 Reply

    LJ

    It’s going to hurt for a little while, but stay strong. Maintain the no-contact. Do things that focus on yourself and don’t let your mind wander and drag you into feeling bad.

    I went no-contact with someone in a comparable situation. It was quite a while before someone else came into my life that was even more awesome. I’m not going to lie, it was really lousy for a while. But the most important things I did for myself were to (a) MOVE ON, and (b) keep taking care of myself, and be happy with myself and my life without my first love.

    #777037 Reply

    Alex

    Hi LJ,

    Thanks for replying :)

    Yeah I can definitely tell what you mean. How said is this… She was even in my dream last night. Typical ay

    But anyway. I think I am struggling is because I’ve never been willing to actually get into something serious with someone before, so this time when I was willing to fully commit and invest everything into this girl, it’s genuinely broken my heart. Somehow I’ve gotta keep myself distracted and keep moving on

    #777047 Reply

    Anderson 

    “I think I am struggling is because I’ve never been willing to actually get into something serious with someone before”

    Good on you mate. It helps to be honest with yourself.

    Surround yourself with people. I recently broke up 3 months ago and was where you are. At first I experimented with all sorts of things but it wasn’t until I made a new group of warm and sincere friends that helped me rapidly forget about my ex

    #777062 Reply

    Alex

    Hi Anderson,

    Yeah I have tried to be as honest as possible with myself throughout this. Of course I have had that element of hope in the back of my mind at times but I think that is only natural.

    I have got a bunch of good mates and hopefully I get over it all ASAP.

    Also, I am happy that you have been able to move on relatively quickly and hope it only continues to get better. Appreciate you taking the time to reply back to my post :)

    All the best

    #777448 Reply

    Alex

    Hi Guys,

    Another update:

    So I stopped the contact last week. On the weekend, she messaged me again.

    She was telling me how she thinks we should continue talking. I said that I feel like I’ll be getting strung along etc. She still says she is not looking for a relationship with anyone at the moment and doesn’t know when she will be.

    Of course this has messed with my head again because she is contacting me and wanting to talk to me etc. Obviously I haven’t lost any of my feelings for her.

    I guess the right thing to do for me is to stay strong and keep the no contact?

    #777452 Reply

    K

    Alex, it was almost certain that she would eventually notice your absence and get in touch. But again, she’s been VERY clear that she wants nothing romantic with you. At this point, you have to tell her that you appreciate her being honest and that if it’s best that she doesn’t contact you again if she’s only interested in friendship as you have moved on so you can meet someone who is romantically interested in you.

    NOW is the critical time to put that message out there and then completely disappear. I mean completely. This girl is used to you being around and being very attentive. She needs to know what life is like without the privilege of your company at all. This leaves the small opening for her to wake up one day and think, I was wrong about him, I would like to date him. BUT PLEASE do not get your hopes up about that. You really have to let go completely and move on for your own good. Hanging around her is getting you nothing but hurt.

    Keep on taking care of you and being strong.

    #777459 Reply

    Alex

    Hi K,

    Yes you make a very good point!

    I have said to her, I respect the fact that she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me. She always responds with, “I’m not saying it wont happen”, or “I’m not ruling it out”

    I have also said to her that i respect that she just see’s us as friends and has no romantic feelings for me. Like above, she replies with “I don’t see us as just friends” or “I don’t have no feelings for you”.

    Also, she said to me that she knows she has a lot of barriers up.

    As you can probably imagine, this is so difficult for me. So many different feelings and messes with my head!

    #777460 Reply

    K

    Right Alex… enough is enough.

    She’s deliberately jerking you around and keeping you on the line for her purposes. She’s using you for attention and an ego boost. This is really unfair and you have to put a stop to it.

    Ever heard the saying, if it’s not a hell yes then it’s a no? That’s where it’s at with this situation.

    You have to firmly tell her you are not available to her any longer because you’re just not on the same page right now and you have moved on. And then block her. I know that’s going to take some strength, but dammit man, she’s torturing you and you have to stop allowing it. This has been a “shame on her” situation for playing this silly game, but it’s now starting to be “shame on you” if you keep allowing it.

    Don’t answer her and block her and stop engaging. If you have to be polite to her in public keep it short and remove yourself ASAP.

    If I were you, I’d start finding someone who behaves like this a lot less attractive. It’s extremely immature and selfish. She is NOT a person you’d be able to have a healthy relationship with at this point.

    #777461 Reply

    K

    I’m sorry I see I just gave you conflicting advice to tell her to stop and then don’t answer.

    Send one more text or email telling her you need her to stop making contact with you as you’ve moved on from this situation. Then block her. For legal reasons it’s best to clearly tell someone that contact is unwanted, because if she really won’t stop you may have to tell her she’s forcing you to get the authorities involved and then you’d have to prove you told her to stop. I really hope it won’t come to that.

    Here’s the thing – she knows she’s gotten under your skin and she’s now manipulating you. She has to get a very clear message that won’t work any longer. And that’s in the form of a simple statement of “I need you to leave me alone from now on outside of essential work conversations” and then silence and blocking on your end.

    #777462 Reply

    Ann

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m also going through somewhat a break up. But let me tell you a little bit about my experience. I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship but this guy was all I ever wanted! He was so into me and he had never been serious w anyone before, so this meant a lot for me. I had a lot of baggage but I didn’t want to miss the chance of being with this guy. We dated for a year and I ended pushing him away and I hate myself for that. I wish I waited and worked on myself first. Now im heartbroken and we haven’t really broken up yet but it’s been a month and he won’t see me and we don’t talk the same. So if she tells you she isn’t ready don’t push it. Maybe once she’s ready she will look for you but meanwhile focus on yourself. Her trying to still have you around when she knows how you feel is selfish.

    #777485 Reply

    the truth is

    She doesn’t want you, she wants the attention. Her need for attention even knowing how you feel about her = zero respect for you as a person. SELFISH.

    I know because I used to be just like that girl. I was selfish. I matured and finally don’t do that to people anymore but you need to stop; she won’t, she loves the attention. I love K’s suggestion, with a bit added: “If you have any respect for me, I need you to leave me alone from now on outside of essential work conversations”.

    Good luck!

    #777487 Reply

    K

    Yeah Truth… the problem is she’s clearly demonstrating she has NO respect for Alex. I’d leave that sentence out. It needs to be as short and direct a message as possible.

    #777488 Reply

    K

    And Truth… good on you for realizing you were “that girl” and deciding to grow up!

    #777657 Reply

    Alex

    Hi Ann, K and Truth,

    Sorry for the delayed response!

    K:
    I haven’t heard of the saying you mentioned but I deffo agree with it for this situation! Thanks for your advice and I will listen to it :)

    Ann:
    Thanks for sharing a bit about your story, it does sound similar to mine and the position she may be in. Previously, I did make an effort to sort things out but as we have found out, I just need to let this go and move on and that is what i am now doing. Although I still have these strong feelings for her, I can’t let this go on.

    Truth:
    I said to her awhile ago when we was talking about this and I said something along the lines of “Is it as simple as I want you and you don’t me?” She replied with “It’s not that I don’t want you” and then said about not looking for a relationship with anyone at the moment. So, even though she said the above, I think you are right and she doesn’t want me and I know I just have to accept that now and move on. Which is what i am doing.

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