This topic contains 27 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Alex 8 months, 2 weeks ago.
November 8, 2019 at 1:20 pm #776994
Recently, I stopped contact with the girl who I thought the world of. This was so hard for me to do but she was stringing me along (covered in another post – ‘What Should I Do? Really Difficult Situation’).
Before I said we needed to stop contact, we was getting on so well which is why I think it made everything harder.
I know deep down it’s the best thing to do for the situation I am in, but, I can’t help feel so down and so sad about it. Just struggling right now :(November 8, 2019 at 1:36 pm #776996
Alex… she wasn’t stringing you along. She told you she wasn’t interested in having you as her boyfriend.
You’ve gotten yourself fixated on her and what you need right now is the dopamine hit you used to get from interacting with her. You’re going to need to find another more positive boost.
Go work out or do something for yourself or hang out with your friends.
She has made it clear she doesn’t want you so you’ve done the right thing to let go.
This will get easier with every day that passes and one day when you’re with someone who you love and loves you back, you will look back and see this was absolutely the right thing to do and wonder why it was so hard.November 8, 2019 at 2:44 pm #776999
I just read your original post. It was absolutely the right decision. I respect you for standing up for yourself. This is the definition of courage. Nothing brave about those who make the choice that comes easy to them. Don’t be surprised if she contacts you. Stay strong and as hard as it may be, maintain the no-contact.November 8, 2019 at 2:54 pm #777000
I suppose luckily, she is very stubborn and has got a lot of pride so I don’t think she will message. This will only make it easier.
Just at the moment I am struggling but like you say, hopefully it will get better over time.November 8, 2019 at 7:17 pm #777024
It’s going to hurt for a little while, but stay strong. Maintain the no-contact. Do things that focus on yourself and don’t let your mind wander and drag you into feeling bad.
I went no-contact with someone in a comparable situation. It was quite a while before someone else came into my life that was even more awesome. I’m not going to lie, it was really lousy for a while. But the most important things I did for myself were to (a) MOVE ON, and (b) keep taking care of myself, and be happy with myself and my life without my first love.November 9, 2019 at 3:29 am #777037
Thanks for replying :)
Yeah I can definitely tell what you mean. How said is this… She was even in my dream last night. Typical ay
But anyway. I think I am struggling is because I’ve never been willing to actually get into something serious with someone before, so this time when I was willing to fully commit and invest everything into this girl, it’s genuinely broken my heart. Somehow I’ve gotta keep myself distracted and keep moving onNovember 9, 2019 at 7:53 am #777047
“I think I am struggling is because I’ve never been willing to actually get into something serious with someone before”
Good on you mate. It helps to be honest with yourself.
Surround yourself with people. I recently broke up 3 months ago and was where you are. At first I experimented with all sorts of things but it wasn’t until I made a new group of warm and sincere friends that helped me rapidly forget about my exNovember 9, 2019 at 12:13 pm #777062
Yeah I have tried to be as honest as possible with myself throughout this. Of course I have had that element of hope in the back of my mind at times but I think that is only natural.
I have got a bunch of good mates and hopefully I get over it all ASAP.
Also, I am happy that you have been able to move on relatively quickly and hope it only continues to get better. Appreciate you taking the time to reply back to my post :)
All the bestNovember 14, 2019 at 8:01 am #777448
So I stopped the contact last week. On the weekend, she messaged me again.
She was telling me how she thinks we should continue talking. I said that I feel like I’ll be getting strung along etc. She still says she is not looking for a relationship with anyone at the moment and doesn’t know when she will be.
Of course this has messed with my head again because she is contacting me and wanting to talk to me etc. Obviously I haven’t lost any of my feelings for her.
I guess the right thing to do for me is to stay strong and keep the no contact?November 14, 2019 at 8:57 am #777452
Alex, it was almost certain that she would eventually notice your absence and get in touch. But again, she’s been VERY clear that she wants nothing romantic with you. At this point, you have to tell her that you appreciate her being honest and that if it’s best that she doesn’t contact you again if she’s only interested in friendship as you have moved on so you can meet someone who is romantically interested in you.
NOW is the critical time to put that message out there and then completely disappear. I mean completely. This girl is used to you being around and being very attentive. She needs to know what life is like without the privilege of your company at all. This leaves the small opening for her to wake up one day and think, I was wrong about him, I would like to date him. BUT PLEASE do not get your hopes up about that. You really have to let go completely and move on for your own good. Hanging around her is getting you nothing but hurt.
Keep on taking care of you and being strong.November 14, 2019 at 11:33 am #777459
Yes you make a very good point!
I have said to her, I respect the fact that she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me. She always responds with, “I’m not saying it wont happen”, or “I’m not ruling it out”
I have also said to her that i respect that she just see’s us as friends and has no romantic feelings for me. Like above, she replies with “I don’t see us as just friends” or “I don’t have no feelings for you”.
Also, she said to me that she knows she has a lot of barriers up.
As you can probably imagine, this is so difficult for me. So many different feelings and messes with my head!November 14, 2019 at 12:04 pm #777460
Right Alex… enough is enough.
She’s deliberately jerking you around and keeping you on the line for her purposes. She’s using you for attention and an ego boost. This is really unfair and you have to put a stop to it.
Ever heard the saying, if it’s not a hell yes then it’s a no? That’s where it’s at with this situation.
You have to firmly tell her you are not available to her any longer because you’re just not on the same page right now and you have moved on. And then block her. I know that’s going to take some strength, but dammit man, she’s torturing you and you have to stop allowing it. This has been a “shame on her” situation for playing this silly game, but it’s now starting to be “shame on you” if you keep allowing it.
Don’t answer her and block her and stop engaging. If you have to be polite to her in public keep it short and remove yourself ASAP.
If I were you, I’d start finding someone who behaves like this a lot less attractive. It’s extremely immature and selfish. She is NOT a person you’d be able to have a healthy relationship with at this point.November 14, 2019 at 12:07 pm #777461
I’m sorry I see I just gave you conflicting advice to tell her to stop and then don’t answer.
Send one more text or email telling her you need her to stop making contact with you as you’ve moved on from this situation. Then block her. For legal reasons it’s best to clearly tell someone that contact is unwanted, because if she really won’t stop you may have to tell her she’s forcing you to get the authorities involved and then you’d have to prove you told her to stop. I really hope it won’t come to that.
Here’s the thing – she knows she’s gotten under your skin and she’s now manipulating you. She has to get a very clear message that won’t work any longer. And that’s in the form of a simple statement of “I need you to leave me alone from now on outside of essential work conversations” and then silence and blocking on your end.November 14, 2019 at 12:22 pm #777462
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m also going through somewhat a break up. But let me tell you a little bit about my experience. I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship but this guy was all I ever wanted! He was so into me and he had never been serious w anyone before, so this meant a lot for me. I had a lot of baggage but I didn’t want to miss the chance of being with this guy. We dated for a year and I ended pushing him away and I hate myself for that. I wish I waited and worked on myself first. Now im heartbroken and we haven’t really broken up yet but it’s been a month and he won’t see me and we don’t talk the same. So if she tells you she isn’t ready don’t push it. Maybe once she’s ready she will look for you but meanwhile focus on yourself. Her trying to still have you around when she knows how you feel is selfish.November 14, 2019 at 4:38 pm #777485
the truth is
She doesn’t want you, she wants the attention. Her need for attention even knowing how you feel about her = zero respect for you as a person. SELFISH.
I know because I used to be just like that girl. I was selfish. I matured and finally don’t do that to people anymore but you need to stop; she won’t, she loves the attention. I love K’s suggestion, with a bit added: “If you have any respect for me, I need you to leave me alone from now on outside of essential work conversations”.
Good luck!November 14, 2019 at 4:50 pm #777487
Yeah Truth… the problem is she’s clearly demonstrating she has NO respect for Alex. I’d leave that sentence out. It needs to be as short and direct a message as possible.November 14, 2019 at 4:53 pm #777488
And Truth… good on you for realizing you were “that girl” and deciding to grow up!November 17, 2019 at 7:44 am #777657
Hi Ann, K and Truth,
Sorry for the delayed response!
I haven’t heard of the saying you mentioned but I deffo agree with it for this situation! Thanks for your advice and I will listen to it :)
Thanks for sharing a bit about your story, it does sound similar to mine and the position she may be in. Previously, I did make an effort to sort things out but as we have found out, I just need to let this go and move on and that is what i am now doing. Although I still have these strong feelings for her, I can’t let this go on.
I said to her awhile ago when we was talking about this and I said something along the lines of “Is it as simple as I want you and you don’t me?” She replied with “It’s not that I don’t want you” and then said about not looking for a relationship with anyone at the moment. So, even though she said the above, I think you are right and she doesn’t want me and I know I just have to accept that now and move on. Which is what i am doing.December 2, 2019 at 12:21 pm #779712
Me again with another update…
So last week, she pulled me aside and wanted to have a chat with me and we talked about our situation (this was all face to face).
She began to tell me that she hates us not talking anymore and that she doesn’t talk to me out of boredom, but because she wants to and enjoys it. I began to say that although I may feel the same, if me and her are not ‘going anywhere’ then there isn’t much point in continuing because I will only get heartbroken again and this time it will be my fault which I can’t risk.
I said we are on different pages and I have much stronger feelings for her than she does for me. She said that she does see as relationship material and romantically, and I’m the only boy she feels that way about. However, once again, I stated that we want different things at this time because I wanted to take things to the next level but she doesn’t.
K, I used the saying you told me – “If it’s not 100% yes, then it’s a No”. She disagreed with me but once again has not committed to anything.
I still have such strong feelings for this girl and although I have respected everything she has told me about her feelings, I still find myself in a really really difficult position. I have respected what she wants and backed off, I have given her the time to talk about it but there is still no real clarity.
I still don’t know what this girl wants.December 2, 2019 at 1:35 pm #779719
Alex… her behavior reminds me of an old song: “Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps”… I’m tickled that you used that phrase I gave you because it’s true. If someone’s not all in, they’re out. You don’t want someone who’s a maybe of any kind, in your personal or business life!! Someone who is a “maybe” is telling you to do all the work and that they want it on their terms. It’s not a good match when someone’s like this. They hold all the cards and they know it. She’s now dangling a bit more in front of you and if you give her a chance will dangle a little more yet again, but trust me, it’s not for real. As soon as you agree to keep talking it will go back to the way she wants things and you’ll be sad and hurt at ground zero again.
At some point I really hope your feelings for her start to diminish because she’s extraordinarily selfish and disrespectful to keep doing this to you. She senses your weakness and that’s why she keeps coming at you.
You have two choices.
You can cave in and keep talking to her and let her control everything and get very hurt AND miss out on opportunities to meet other women who will return your feelings and treat you right.
Or you can tell her that you’ve made your decision and it’s not up for further discussion and you will not be speaking to her any longer on personal matters because you want different things right now. You can tell her that if at some point in the future she feels ready for a relationship and IF you’re still available, to let you know and maybe you can talk about it then. And then you need to STOP TALKING TO HER. You need to show with action you mean it.
This is 100% on you and in your control right now. You’re doing the right things. Keep it up. I know it’s not easy. But you’ve got this. She’s being extremely unfair to you and it’s now to the point of cruel.December 2, 2019 at 3:56 pm #779727
Thanks for always responding- really appreciate it :)
I guess the worst thing about this is that I don’t think she even realises she is doing this to me. I have no doubt that she just does this without thinking.
She has so many barriers up and she knows with me everything would be okay but there is still something holding her back.
Like you and I say, if she’s not 100% yes then unfortunately it’s a no.
Throughout this she always says we never know what will happen but for me, the not knowing is what kills me.
I wish i could switch off these feelings for her, I honestly thought I lucked out with her and she knows that :(December 2, 2019 at 4:06 pm #779728
I’m one mofo skeptic myself. I agree that “we never know what will happen” in regards to the future and… well, anything. Yet a sign that I love someone is when I have this unusual feeling that I will and want to be with just that someone. A very rare instance of faith.
Her not knowing what she wants, and being a committaphobe is a reflection of where she is in her life. Me thinks you are ready to be in a relationship with a woman. This one’s a girl.December 2, 2019 at 4:21 pm #779730
Yes I do agree that “you don’t know what will happen in future” and “never say never” because you truly don’t know. However, I feel like she could just be saying this incase something doesn’t happen then she has herself covered.
I would of done anything and everything for that girl, she knows it but like I said to her, it has to be 2 ways, not 1.
I guess I’m just so confused about all this because I do have such a strong desire to be with this girl and can’t see myself with someone else right now. But yeah, just so difficult with the ‘mixed’ messages and my feelingsDecember 2, 2019 at 6:52 pm #779735
Alex. There is no “mixed message.” Someone wants a romantic relationship with you or they don’t. She does not at this point in time. That’s a no. “I like you but I”m not ready but I might choose you in the future” is a no.
And she may not be doing this in a horrible calculating way because she’s very young and inexperienced, but it still is what it is: jerking you all over the place. You’ve told her this is difficult and painful for you and she keeps coming at you. Of course she enjoys your company – you’re her security blanket and you’ll do anything she wants. She’s got complete control over you.
End of the line and it’s your decision. You act like the’s the only girl on the planet. She is not. If this is what she’s like when she’s not with you I guarantee you she’s going to be a pain in the A at the point you get with her because she’s really immature and will want it all her way. There’s nothing desirable about someone who disrespects you as much as she has. I hope you can get enough distance from this situation to see that eventually.
At this stage it doesn’t matter what she wants. And she’s not going to get clarity in your presence. It’s about what you want. What do you want for your life anyway? Why do you think you’re not worthy of a woman who wants you and returns your feelings for her?December 2, 2019 at 8:15 pm #779740
This girl has boundary issues. Yuck. Please see her for who she is, an emotional manipulator and user.
You need to work on why you find this attractive. Not on trying to be with her. Please consider a therapist. Healthy people don’t like this and find it unattractive. You deserve better, but you need to understand that,