This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Memoire 4 months ago.
October 20, 2019 at 7:57 am #775793
I’m quite new at dating, but lately I have been going out with a guy I met online. I am someone that takes a long time to get attracted to someone. I ususally don’t get excited about the way a guy looks, but rather develop feelings when I get to know someone on a more emotional level.
So I went out with this guy and he is nice, respectfull and generally a good person. However, I have not been feeling a click with him all that much. Since I usually need some time to develop feelings I gave him another chance and went on a second date with him with similar results.
Should I keep dating a guy I’m not exactly interested in to see where its going? Since Im usually slow with these things it might be okay to give him a chance? Or should I stop dating someone as soon as I feel that I’m not really interested?
And if I were to reject him, how can I do this in a respectfull way? I don’t know how to do this and because he seems like a good guy I’m afraid to turn him down because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Do you have any advice for me?October 20, 2019 at 8:53 am #775797
“should I stop dating someone as soon as I feel that I’m not really interested?”
Yes. My sister kept dating a guy she wasn’t intresting in, hoping that something would change. Now, after almost one year and living together (I can’t believe that it lasted so long and how exactly it happened, as the while thing IS surreal) she is in a deep sh*t, because she dumped him, he still lives in her apartment and became so obsessed about her that I am sincerely worried sometimes (and I am aware that she caused this). This is a quite extreme example, but the conclusion is the same. Dump them as soon as you realize you don’t want them, because with time it will be much harder to find your way out.October 20, 2019 at 11:20 am #775802
T from NY
The problem with this dilemma (I believe) is online dating. My first answer would be to tell you YES absolutely stop dating anyone you’re not attracted to after 2 dates. Here’s why — even if you’re not attracted to someone physically you should at least be intrigued by their personality. A guy I once talked to about this told me “If I have to ask yes or no – that’s a no” and I’ve kind of always remembered that.
I’m of the belief that interest, chemistry and beginnings of love should burn dam* hot at the beginning because life together, children, trials you will face and etc wears on that flame -therefore needs to roaring in the first place.
The only caveat to that is — there was a guy I knew at work. When I started I heard people describing him as attractive and j was like um…. no way. Didn’t find him cute whatsoever. But over time, as we became friends I now find him incredibly attractive and would definitely date him (if he was available lol). BUT I feel it is unwise in an online dating scenario to give that amount of time to develop something. Working side by side or hanging out side by side at a club allows a relationship to develop organically — totally not the same with structured one on one dates.
It’s also always smart not to date with a scarcity mindset. Like don’t hold on to something because you’ve been single a long time or are afraid there aren’t many guys in your area. I live in a small city. Dating is pretty bad here. But TRUE love is truly only found like once or twice a decade if we’re lucky. So striking out on chemistry or being attracted should be expected as the norm. And all you have to text him is “Thank you for the time we’ve spent together. You seem like a really great guy. But I’ve checked in with me and I don’t feel enough of a connection this could lead to long term. I wish you the best.”October 20, 2019 at 2:00 pm #775805
Better off single
There is no good way to reject someone. Rip it off like a bandaid and just do it.
Tell him you have other plans
Keep stringing him along
Or be blunt and straight up tell him you arent feeling it and wish him the best.
Don’t mistake niceness for weakness.October 21, 2019 at 4:40 am #775858
Thank you all for your kind and helpful responses! I think you all definitely have a point and that I should break it off as soon as I can. The only thing is that after our second date he asked (in person) “Let’s meet up again?” I was a bit overwhelmed by this question and said “Yeah, sure.”
Should I suck it up and go out with him one more time because I have technically already said yes or should I be honest and break it off?
@Better off single, I agree with you that there is no good way to reject someone, but I don’t want to ghost or anything. Happened to me once and I will never do that to someone else. But maybe I should be blunt indeed.October 21, 2019 at 5:36 am #775861
Be honest and kind. Tell him that while you think he is wonderful you also think you are not the one for him.
I would not again date this guy. I would meet him for coffee or do this calmly over the phone.
Be upfront and kind.October 21, 2019 at 9:28 am #775869
I get the temptation or revenge to do it but I admire people who don’t ghost. At worst, I’ve texted a blunt one-line goodbye with the reason. But I’ve never ghosted myself.
Be honest and break it off, instead of forcing yourself to go on another potentially awkward date. I understand wanting to stick to your word but it happens all the time when people say yes in the moment yet don’t mean it.October 21, 2019 at 9:58 am #775872
Thank you so much for all your responses! It really helped for me to make a decision about this situation. I have texted him that I truly think he is a great person and that I’ve had a good time, but that I am missing something to make it work in a more romantic kind of way.
He has not responded yet but I already feel quite relieved to be honest.
@Anderson, same! However bad the date was, I think you should always at least let someone know that you’re not continuing the relationship/dating/whatever. Even if it’s just a rude one line text, that’s always better than leaving someone in the dark.
Again, thank you all so much for your advice! I feel really good about it! <3October 21, 2019 at 6:45 pm #775920
If you feel really good about it then you KNOW you did the right thing! Rock on!October 22, 2019 at 3:43 am #775936
Sometimes, after a while, you might fall in love with the ones you don’t love right now, sometimes you won’t. It’s up to you to decide.