Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Regret letting a great guy go.
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Jippity.
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laelithia
Hi everyone. Last night, I was mindlessly scrolling on facebook, and saw that an old flame of mine (we dated for a little while in 2015, then I decided to put him in the friend zone for no good reason at all…) just got married. He was a really great guy, came from a good family, had good values and wanted a committed relationship, was educated and had a great career. Everything I said I wanted in a man. I was happy for him, he looked very happy, but I was not expecting how hard it hit me. This person was so sweet and supportive of me throughout the years, even while I dated other people despite him always showing interest in being with me. He politely asked me many times to work on my codependency issues so that we could have a real chance of dating exclusively, but rather than do this, I proceeded to date a couple of “bad boys” instead. Worst of all, I often vented and emotionally dumped on him when these relationships inevitably failed. I feel so horrible about this, I simply cannot fathom what I was thinking back then to do that to someone who had been so caring towards me, even when we weren’t together.
Although we had drifted with our contact and hadn’t seen each other for around 2 years, I thought about him here and there and how I had made a mistake to push him away and date the losers that never really cared about me instead. I suppose I tried to shove these thoughts out of my head rather than truly deal with my mistake. And, if I’m honest, I supposed he would always be there one day when I was truly ready. In fact, after doing a lot of soul searching and refusing to date low-quality men, I thought I was getting close to contacting him again. And of course, I saw the picture yesterday. I am truly happy for him, he seems like he is very content in his life now. But at the same time, I feel (maybe for the first time) the gravity of the loss that I can only blame on myself. We will never hang out again, never have late night talks about life and psychology, never do art together again. I guess because I always thought one day we would reconnect, I never truly processed our “end” because I didn’t think it was one. I know 2 years seems like a long time not to see someone, but in that time I was completing my registration, starting a new position and my own practice. It went by in a blur, and the times we used to hang out together seem not so long ago at all. I truly feel sadness that I will likely never see this person again.
Fast forward to today, I am 100% not ever going to try to contact him outside of congratulating him on his wedding (which I did, and in true gentlemanly fashion, he replied thanking me and commending me on opening my practice). I want him to be happy, and I will not interfere in his life. I suppose I’m just looking for some kind of comfort or reinsurance that there will be other men like him (kind, caring, educated and successful, etc.) out there for me. Or, preferably, just the one. I am becoming less and less hopeful due to the very low frequency of meeting these men lately in my city, but I’m contemplating moving to the next province over. Maybe I’ll have a better chance there.
Anyway, has anyone else had a similar experience? Did you manage to find another great person out there?
TinkerBella
I’ve never been in a situation like this, but I am sure the right guy for you will come along and the good news is that you will be able to recognize that he is good for you, because we learn from from experiences. Think positive, he will come along.
Ss
Well no one can guarantee there are good options of men out there for you, but realistically there must be but there is no timescale on finding him!
You have had a wake up call. Seeing what you maybe could have had has helped you see where you are going wrong and that can only be a good thing. Its hard seeing people move on when you haven’t but its a lesson to learn.
I hope you continue to work on yourself and the issues you identified.
X
kaye
I am one of those people who think things happen for a reason! I think you were meant to see those pictures and have these feelings so you realize when you meet a great guy not to let him go!! It’s been over 5 years since you dated and 2 years since you’ve spoken. Regardless of the fact you’ve been busy building a practice etc and so forth if he meant that much to you, he would have been on your mind more and you would have contacted him. To me that says he wasn’t the guy for you and you would have been settling if you chose him. Which isn’t fair to him or you.
You even made it sound like he would be your last resort if you never found another guy! NO one wants to be someone’s back up plan!! You are only having these pangs of regret now because he looks happy and you’re alone. You will meet the man of your dreams. This guy was not everything you ever wanted in a man or you wouldn’t have let him go. I rekindled with an old high school flame after my divorce. On paper he was absolutely everything I would want in a man but I just couldn’t get past the fact I wasn’t in love with him. He was a great guy, and I loved him as a person and he had me on this pedestal and would do absolutely anything for me and treated me like a queen. But I just didn’t fall in love with him. I tried to convince myself, rationalize why we would work so great together, even make a list of the pros and cons of dating him. It was all pros and just one or two cons. But the more he fell for me and told me he loved me I just couldn’t say it back. And then all the wonderful things he did for me just felt like a clingy guy who wouldn’t give me any space.
I started getting annoyed he would buy me flowers and gifts all the time. Annoyed at how he would text me all the time and let me know what he was doing and sending me selfies. I kept trying to figure out why I was feeling this way but in the end I had to break up with him. I felt awful and he still wanted to be friends and I couldn’t. It wasn’t long after that I did meet the man of my dreams and the love of my life and got married a few years later!! But I had to let go of the idea of this guy because I didn’t love him. He might have been perfect for someone else but not for me.
laelithia
Thank you everyone for your kind replies! This gives me a lot of hope moving forward. I think a lot of it is projecting what I want on to this person. The truth is, I haven’t known the current him, so maybe he wouldn’t be a match for me anyway. Just hard not to focus on the what if’s!
Sensy
You may be looking at him now with rose colored glasses. Try visualizing what qualities you want in a guy and continuing to learn to love yourself more so that codependency issues is a thing of the past. The universe WILL throw you a goodie.
Newbie
You have the choice to look for what you think you deserve but you have to be really in a position where you know and love yourself that you feel you deserve to be loved. Thats been bugging you for years and even wit this man, you get triggered the second he becomes unavailable. Its really worth to go through that thought process so you can let love in when youre ready
Jippity
I’m with Kaye in that everything happens for a reason.
For whatever reason, he just didn’t do it for you enough to commit to him.
I’m also a firm believer that if you have what it takes to make it as a long term couple, that you’ll get through whatever life throws at you together, even if it’s early on.
I’ve been with people a year or more and some life event (death in the family, job loss, etc) has broken us up.
Then in other relationships something bad has hit us early and we came closer together.
Each relationship has its own unique dynamic between you and that person. Yes, of course we can control some of it, but much of it is subconscious. Clearly the dynamic you had with this guy wasn’t the right fit.
But there are plenty of lovely men out there and one of them you will click with.
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