Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Open marriage and sleeping w/much younger man
- This topic has 32 replies and was last updated 4 years, 7 months ago by
K.
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Newbie
I didnt see much judgemental posts either but most trying to answer the question and also stating some concerns about expectations here, that i agree with. I think you simply got infatuated with this guy and thinking both of you are. I dont think he is but i dont know for sure. He knows.
I think in the long run it does signal some flags about your life choices. Your husband cant or wont have sex with you and youre only 43. So you agreed to have an open marriage, for you on this case, but its kind of backfiring. The open marriages i know of from tv or books have specific rules like dont make it an ongoing affair because it can rock the marriage because emotional attachments gets involved. And thats exactly what happened with you. To me it says you dont only lack sex in your marriage but also an emotional bond. And i wonder if its worth it to keep going like this.
I hope you can figure out what makes you happy the mostLiz Lemon
The open relationships I have seen that have worked (close friends with whom I have had extended conversations about the topic), are based in transparency. Everyone involved is treated equally. Communication is paramount. The 3 people I have known who have done it successfully (3 different people in different open relationships)– they all personally knew the spouse/partner of their boyfriend or girlfriend. What I’m trying to say is, everyone in the relationship knew (or knows) each other. There are no secrets and everyone feels their position in the relationship is validated. That’s how the open relationships I have witnessed have functioned.
For the record, I have no interest in this kind of setup whatsoever, and neither does my boyfriend, and I imagine most people don’t want a relationship like this. But for those who are into open relationships, it’s really important for everyone involved to be respected and treated as an equal in order for it to function.
This situation isn’t really an open relationship. It’s a clandestine affair, and affairs rarely last. Yes, the OP’s husband knows she’s having sex with another guy, but that’s it. He doesn’t know the guy, the guy doesn’t know him, friends/family/neighbors can’t know, etc. There’s a power differential, the young man is at a disadvantage, as others have pointed out (the OP has her public relationship and security with her husband, and her private sexual relationship with him; while the young man can’t have a real, public relationship with her). He’s getting sex out of it, sure, but he can get sex anywhere at age 24. He’s going to get bored of this arrangement eventually and want to have a real girlfriend. Who can blame him.
I also agree that it sounds like the OP has caught feelings for the guy and is maybe infatuated. Which is understandable, we’re all human. But it’s not fair to expect him to want to emotionally invest in a relationship like this.
Liz Lemon
And Newbie is right about having rules/boundaries in open relationships. People are very mindful about boundaries if they’re into that.
One (female) friend of mine was dating a guy in an open marriage. She went to his house and met the wife and everything (!) But, they had a rule that the husband could not sleep with the outside partner (my friend in this case), after sex. No cuddling or sleeping in the same bed. One night he was at my friend’s place and there was a bad storm so he couldn’t drive home, so he slept on her couch after they had sex, and left early the next day. He refused to break the rule he and his wife had, about not sleeping in the same bed with outside partners. No lazy Sunday morning breakfast either. He just got up off the couch, said goodbye and went home to his wife the next day.
Jessie
I personally don’t have experience with open relationships but my best friend has. I showed her this thread and she read the first half of it and just said “yuuuuuup, been there”. I didn’t ask her for more details but she’s said before that she has no regrets about being open but isn’t anymore because “things got complicated and I decided I didn’t want complications in my life anymore”.
Also I agree with Newbie and others – I don’t see much harsh judgement here? I don’t tihnk anyone is being over-judgemental or mean. Just people trying to direct the conversation somewhere constructive. Some of the advice is blunt but I think thats good because it gets to the point. One of the others is right too, I think it would be a shame if this got deleted because I think it’s a really good example of everyone trying hard to give advice for a really complicated and delicate situation.
Shoshannah
I didn’t mean to upset anyone with my comment, but if sexes were reversed in this scenario, and it was a married man sleeping with a woman 20 years younger, we would all tell him that he is hurting this woman. As others said, there are strict rules in open relationships. You have to be even more careful about not hurting anyone if you’re in an open relationship than normally. And in general, power imbalance is a tricky thing to handle in any relationship.
anon
“it was a married man sleeping with a woman 20 years younger, we would all tell him that he is hurting this woman.”
Yup, especially with the emotional side. You can not expect the whole enchilada of someone you can’t be in a relationship with. I think it is fine to have sex only with younger people, but once you start asking for emotional support and “relationship” things that you can not give fully yourself, you are abusing and misleading the person.
I do sleep with a guy 20 years younger. And we get together, chat about life, have sex, cuddle and move on. We have a pretty sharp boundary and it can be very hard to maintain. Now the difference is that we are on equal playing fields and available for a relationship. Equal power.
kaye
I wasn’t judging you or mocking you. And I apologize for calling you a fool. It was a poor choice of words. I do think you’ve gotten in over your head with this arrangement and it’s not going to be worth the pain you are going to feel. But I truly didn’t give you any different advice than I would have given any woman who came on here saying her guy was pulling back and not seeing her as often or staying after sex. His words “this wasn’t just about sex” are not matching his actions which are just about sex. Maybe it wasn’t just about sex at the beginning but from what you’ve said on here that’s was it’s devolved into. Also I’m always saying men decide at the 3-4 month mark if they want to continue the relationship and this is the classic time most men start pulling back, fading out. etc. You say your husband accepts you going on dates in your open relationship, yet claim you can’t do that with your current partner? Why not? Just because he’s your neighbor doesn’t mean you have to stay in your town when you go out. Why can’t you drive an hour to another town for dinner or a movie? You are the one who set up the dynamic where he just comes over to your house for sex. If you want this relationship to be more than that why isn’t it?
K
Let’s park the open relationship issue.
The real issue is you picked someone who is completely unavailable for anything other than sex – due to the fact you’re neighbors and the age difference. On those things alone, it can’t go anywhere.
This is a sincere question – what were you hoping to hear by posting here? That he’s not losing interest and it’s your imagination? That he really does want “more” from you than sex? Advice on how to keep him and progress this into a relationship?
Add in now the fact that you don’t seem comfortable about your open relationship status as you’ve jumped all over anyone you’ve perceived insulted you over it… when truthfully no one really did. Someone who felt comfortable with their choice to be in an open marriage wouldn’t give a damn what other people think.
So what is getting involved with this man really all about? That’s the real issue and a question for you to answer for yourself.
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