Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Open marriage and sleeping w/much younger man
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K.
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Janie
Ok, I’m in a very complicated situation. I am 43 and in an open marriage. For the last 3 months I have been sleeping with a 24 year old and it has been amazing so far. We can’t be seen in public because of our age difference and we are neighbors so if we were discovered it could cause a lot of trouble. We usually meet at my house two or three times a week for sex and I like him a lot and care about him very much. In the beginning he texted everyday, made a point to tell me how much he liked me, sexted, the usual beginning a relationship stuff. Now he’s pulled back a bit and I’m not sure why. Nothing weird happened he just stopped texting everyday but always texts me back if I text him and he just acts a little differently. Not as much mushy stuff, he doesn’t stay as long when he comes over, and there could be so many explanations but I’m worried he’s just losing interest. I know we can’t have a true relationship but we made it clear this wasn’t just about sex and how we wish it could be more but it is what it is. Now I’m wondering if our age difference and situation is making this too difficult for him and he’s pulling away. Or could it be he wants more and knows he can’t have it so he’s trying to distance himself a little? Any insights?
Lane
If your in an open relationship why don’t you ask your husband? Or better yet, ask the young man what his deal is, as it probably has something to do with meeting a younger lady and seeing if it will work for her, at which point I truly hope you end it if or when he does.
Liz Lemon
We can’t read his mind, so who knows. It does sound like he’s losing interest, though. It’s not uncommon for men to pull back after 2-3 months of dating (not that you have been “dating” per se….) if he does not see a future with the woman. That could be what’s happening here. He knows this isn’t going anywhere, he had his fun for a few months, and he may be ready to move on at this point.
You must realize that your situation has a limited life span. By that I mean, you can’t possibly think it will last forever. You’re old enough to be his mother, and you two can’t be seen together in public. That situation would not be enjoyable for a young man for too long. He’ll want a girlfriend he can take out and introduce to his friends and family. Why not just accept the situation for what it is– you had a great time with a younger guy for a few months!– and if it needs to end, let it end.
anon
What do you want from a 24 year old you are embarrassed to be seen with? Why should he have any level of emotional commitment to you? I feel like you want your cake and to eat it too. You want his emotional and sexual attention, while putting limits to the friendship side of things. You are asking him to limit his ability to find a full relationship.
I date younger guys and have been seeing a guy that is 25 (I am 45). We are not embarrassed to be seen in public and neither of us treat it as an issue. I would not call it a serious long term thing. But to be honest, if you are that awkward about the guys age that you are afraid to be seen with him, you do not deserve him.
Janie
Anon, wow did you ever misunderstand what I was saying! I am absolutely not ashamed or embarrassed of him in any way and if it were possible I would have no problem being seen with him in public. The reason we can’t is because he lives in my neighborhood and no one can know that we are involved because I do not tell people about the open marriage. In fact my husband insists on that and he doesn’t want to know about any of my other relationships, so out of respect for those things i have to keep things private with this other man. He fully understands this and is more careful than I am in some ways about us not getting caught. All I wanted was some insight on what a younger man might be thinking in this situation and why he might be pulling away a bit after giving me “his emotional and sexual attention” in the beginning. I know this could never be long term and if he wanted to end things with me to pursue a different relationship I would absolutely let him go. I appreciate your feedback and understand that you maybe didn’t fully understand my situation
Newbie
If i was in an open marriage and i had a younger guy coming over for sex three times a week, i would be over the moon. Isnt that exactly why you decided on an open marriage? So cant figure out why you would even post a question, unless you caught feelings for this guy and are asking if we think he does too. Only he can tell you, but based on what you are saying about him pulling back i would say its a no. I dont think its common for guys who want more to pull back.
If you feel you caught feelings, i think you should deal with that and either end it or ask him where he standsRaven
You really think the neighbors don’t see him in @ out of your house …?
Becky
He’s not going to directly tell you he’s found someone else while he can still sleep with you. He’s going to pull away, act distant, etc. What do you expect he will do? You are married, probably have children, and he’s not interested in you beyond having fun. Anticipate he will or is having fun with others too. If you bring this up, he will most likely distance himself further- which would be completely normal for him to do as he has his whole life ahead of him
anon
“All I wanted was some insight on what a younger man might be thinking in this situation and why he might be pulling away a bit after giving me “his emotional and sexual attention” in the beginning.”
Mainly, men are territorial. Not many men like the idea of sharing a woman, emotionally or sexually. I date casually and men really would rather not know who else I may or may not be doing. This guy knows you are doing your husband. That alone has a high likelihood of putting a damper on the guy’s mood once the novelty has worn off. The sex alone will probably outlive the emotional connection if you keep making yourself available.
Like a lot of men, he is probably loathe to end access to easy sex, so he does not want to end it. But yeah, he is probably tired of being the married lady next doors texting buddy.
If it was me, I’d say “hey, I feel you pulling away emotionally and am/am not interested in sex only. Where are you at on this?”
Anderson
He’s young and has understood that he could have it way better elsewhere, even if it was another fwb. The secrecy might’ve added to the thrill at first but would inevitably get exhausting. Even a 24 year old guy would eventually realize this is the best case scenario for _you_, not him. He has way more potential. It was just a matter of time he realized all this and the aloofness I’d say is evidence of taking you for granted.
My very first relationship was a similar dynamic. Only difference is she was 24 only 3 years older than me, and we were sexually exclusive. Both also knew it was temporary and casual, and I stated it right from the start too and many times during. But she was a confused mess. Out loud she’d agree it was just a summer love but everything else screamed she wanted more. Deep inside I think she knew there was no future with me either, but it was almost like she wanted to be fooled? Some sort of romeo-juliet fantasy. I don’t even know. I think the way that fwb of mine turned into a mess made me believe I was not built for casual flings and never got into another one again. I was wrong, but I’m glad I spent my 20s assuming that because it helped me dodged a few women like her who thought they could do casual but were lying to themselves or more into the idea of something than grounded in reality.
Janie
Anon, those are very good points and good advice so thank you for that :)
Janie
Anderson, yeah your experience is nothing like mine and is probably just your way of passive aggressively saying I’m a mess and need to get a grip on reality which is fine. Your entitled to your opinions. Maybe I do need to re-evaluate the relationship if he’s lost that emotional connection because we said from the beginning it WASN’T just about sex. And now, if that’s all it is for him, we need to move on.
anon
Janie-
Lust can feel a lot like an emotional connection. I think that “open marriages” who expect people to be a third wheel long term as a full on committed member of that scenario are expecting too much.Most people, if they are TRULY emotionally connected to a member of the other sex feel very hurt when they know that person is sleeping with someone else. The small percent of people who can handle open relationships are exceptions to that rule. Expecting a 24 year old to have the life experience to handle that dynamic is a big ask.
kaye
I really don’t understand the open marriage concept. It’s hard enough to maintain a marriage and have physical and emotional intimacy with just one person. Once you start adding other people into the mix then there’s no way you can give the other relationship the proper attention it needs, so you are just continually perpetuating the need to seek additional attention outside your marriage.
And here you are worried about some 24 year old you’re sleeping with and why he’s pulling back and acting differently. I think you’re a fool trying to say this is more than sex. No it’s not. You said yourself “We usually meet at my house two or three times a week for sex.” You’re having sex every time you’re together. And when you’re not together you’re sexting. Now it’s wham, bam, thank you ma’am and he’s out the door. He’s not staying long when he comes over and you still want to say this is more than sex. Stop fooling yourself.
Of course a 24 year old guy is going to jump at the chance to have no strings attached sex! I mean come on, you’ve got a husband to take care of all the financial needs and as your boyfriend he doesn’t have to do anything except enjoy the great sex! He doesn’t have to take you out, buy you dinner, buy movie tickets, concert tickets, flowers. He’s got it made! But even then eventually it’s going to get old. The 3-4 month mark is usually when a guy is ready to dump the girl and move on to the next if she’s not meeting his needs. And even if he was falling for you the majority of guys aren’t going to want to share you with another guy. It’s part of the male ego.
Of course the age difference and situation is making it difficult. You both know this isn’t long term so what incentive does he have to stay? It’s so easy for a young attractive guy to get sex. Just look at how many women post here about sleeping with a guy on the first date. If you want to have fun outside your marriage then go ahead. Just don’t start getting attached because not everyone wants to be involved in a situation that’s complicated even when they gets NSA sex.
Janie
Anon,
Thank you so much for having this dialogue with me! As you could probably tell I have nobody to talk with about the situation:) Again you raise very valid points. I didn’t want to get too personal but I should mention that my husband and I don’t have sex. I don’t want to get into the details but it’s basically why I have an open marriage. My partner knows this so I’m not sure if it is a factor. But you’re right when you say it’s a lot for a 24 year old to handle and I didn’t think of it from that perspective. We should probably have another talk about our expectations for the relationship and see if it is still working for both of us.Janie
Kaye,
thanks for the judgment and mocking instead of friendly advice. Good to know there are still people out there that would rather be mean and harsh instead of helpful. You’ll probably say you are just being honest and that may be so, you raise good points, but to put them forth like that while making assumptions about my home life was cruel and unnecessary. But I guess I opened myself up to it by posting here. I just thought I could start a dialogue with good people who would help me outAnderson
“is probably just your way of passive aggressively saying I’m a mess and need to get a grip on reality which is fine”
Nah, wasn’t being passive aggressive. Kind of went on a personal rant there. I don’t jump to calling others a mess, especially strangers, especially when I don’t know the whole story. I wasn’t implying nor believe you are a mess. Agreed this was a complicated situation. But now that you mention it, do I believe you need a grip on reality? Yes.
I’m not against open marriages. Not my cuppa and never say never, but I support them as long as they’re healthy and all parties are happy. But there is a dysfunctional vibe I got from your fwb arrangement. “We made it clear this wasn’t just about sex and how ___we wish it could be more but it is what it is___”. Am I the only one who sees something bizarre about that part? I don’t know what your boundaries are in your open marriage but for many open relationships that would be akin to cheating. Match it up with the fact that all your guesses about why he’s acting this way are things that you hope are true; that he wants more with you but can’t.
You say you came here for insight but seems like what you really want is corroboration. I understand it feels impossible to get support for open marriages and not be instantly judged. If I’m entitled to my opinion then let me say what I really think. I doubt if you know what you’re even doing. Open relationships are a consensual non-monogamous situation. And you agreeing with that guy that you wish you could have more with him… I’m now genuinely concerned for this boy because I can’t tell if you have the conscience to not lull him with words and sex just so you can prolong this pseudo-relationship with him. Because it doesn’t seem like the typical fwb dynamic that would supplement an open marriage. In fact, given that your husband does not want to do anything with it or even know about the details feels like he may not even be truly happy with this arrangement but feels like he may have no choice. I’ve read accounts of men who suffered from ED and felt forced by their own rock bottom self-esteem to have open marriages.
Sometimes there are dangers to keeping things secret. Having nobody to talk to about something means there’s a huge risk of no accountability, risk of going rogue with nothing but your conscience to keep you in check. And sometimes a conscience is not enough.
Of course there’s a chance I could be wrong about a lot of this, and I sincerely hope I am.
Janie
Anderson,
I apologize for the passive aggressive comment. I may be a little sensitive about the judgment I get which is why I usually keep this to myself but still that was uncalled for and I am very sorry. Let me clarify what I meant when I said I wanted more with my partner…we can’t be public for many reasons. It is acceptable in my open marriage to develop a relationship, meaning meeting for dates and such. I can’t do that with my current partner and that is what I meant by more. I don’t want him to feel used just for sex if that’s not just what he wants. To be fair he said that’s not what he wants but now I’m not so sure with his current behavior. Also to be fair you are right that I really don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve only been in this open marriage for a year and have only had two partners before this so we are still learning what works and what doesn’t. My husband is fine with the arrangement he just found that he doesn’t like hearing about my partners. The last thing I want to do is hurt this young man or do any damage so i will be taking your comments into consideration when deciding what to do in the future.Liz Lemon
It’s not realistic to expect an emotional commitment or relationship-type situation if you are not able to have a true relationship with this person. You’ve said that you have to keep everything a secret, and you can’t even go out in public together. Basically you are denying the young man a real relationship. That’s fine as long as everyone involved is on board, but it sounds like he’s no longer into it. And that’s his right, he deserves to have a fulfilling, healthy relationship. Being only 24, he doesn’t have much life or relationship experience so it may be difficult for him to recognize and verbalize exactly what he wants. So it doesn’t surprise me that he’s pulling away.
I don’t see your situation as being too different from a married person having an affair and wanting to keep their lover a secret– eventually the “other woman” (or man in this case) gets tired of the situation and wants more. (I realize your husband is aware of your activities but in all other aspects, this is a clandestine affair).
I’ve never been in an open relationship/marriage but I have close friends who have. In all cases, the partners socialized in public freely. No one was hidden away. There were no secrets and everyone was happy and felt validated. So, it worked for them.
Shoshannah
Where is Emma? Has she been banned?
A lot of nasty replies here, haven’t even read through all of them, but my best bet would be he is afraid of getting hurt. You have a lot of power over him in this situation, because of your age/position/ability to get detached… He knows it and it makes him uncomfortable? I don’t know…
Shoshannah
Agree with Liz too. Sorry, don’t mean to be harsh, but I hope you realize this may be borderline abusive… I have nothing against open relationships, but this guy is not much more than a kid.
Janie
Maybe I was naive to think I would not get the negativity and judgment that I ended up getting here but it’s very upsetting. I have been called a liar, a cheater, a fool, an abuser, and have be treated with such nasty distain that I am really shocked. I thank you all for your feedback but I would appreciate if no one else responds. I have reached out to the staff to delete the post entirely. I thank the people who honestly tried to help me with their comments. While some of the advice was brutal, it opened my eyes to some things I need to think about and I am truly grateful.
Hs
Its unrealistic. You are married. You cant give this young man a complete relationship. He most likely wants more and is seeking it elsewhere. Let him go
Becky
Janie, you wanted insight into your situation from people who only know the limited information you’ve given. The posters gave their insight and you didn’t agree except for 1-2 posters so you want the thread closed. You seem like you want control and it went it comes to relationships, I’m sure you’ve realized that the only person you can control is yourself. What do you want to do in this relationship with the young guy and what really are you going to do about a sex-less marriage with your husband- that’s what I would be concerned about- not the young guy and his interest in you- he will take care of that on his own.
Liz Lemon
I don’t see where anyone has personally called you a liar or cheater or abuser? I’m honestly not seeing it. (Shoshannah saying “I hope you realize this situation may be borderline abusive” is NOT calling you an abuser; she’s giving her valid opinion).
I don’t think any of the replies here are particularly nasty. (Trust me, there have been some VERY nasty posters on this site!) Just because you didn’t get the responses you wanted, doesn’t mean people are treating you with disdain. On the contrary, I think people have generally been pretty respectful to you in this thread. Honest and somewhat blunt, perhaps, but respectful.
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