Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › It's been a long time coming…
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AngieBaby.
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Olivia Kirkpatrick
Ten years ago I was introduced to my (then) best friend’s ex-husband. I was (as usual) not very observant and the encounter was quickly forgotten.
Then two years later we crossed paths again when I started dating his roommate. The more I was around him the more I realized I thoroughly enjoyed his company, and took advantage whenever the opportunity presented itself. Couple more years passed by, we saw each other in passing mostly. Then I had a birthday come up and when asked what I wanted to do I chose to take my bff and my boyfriend’s bff, out for a night of good food and fun entertainment. What happened the next morning flipped the script. Long story short that was the first time that he and I were intimate and 😯 he blew my mind.
For the next 6+ years he and I have been great friends with benefits. Both of us have pursued other people- somehow always returning to what worked for us. This year it has been a little different, and I am noticing some changes in his interactions with me. I confronted him last October and wanted to know what keeps him from considering a relationship with me…and I was told that I was always someone else’s, that my single days were short and spread out. (This is fact, I don’t tend to be on the market long)
Now know this, our hearts were guarded but our chemistry was allowed to be whatever it would be- which has always been AWESOME, without all that mushy, emotionally controlled relationship stuff. (Beneath the surface I have been in love with him for years, was very careful not to push him for more and let things follow his lead) And by this time we’ve gotten familiar together. We have wonderful, thought provoking conversations and playful banter, he’s literally become one of my closest friends. He was the rock I desperately needed when I lost my father, and I was his shoulder when he needed me to be.
Now, present day, and I have started to notice a few different behaviors that have never happened before…first, he works out of town all week and returns on Fridays…very recently I’mgettinga “hey I’m home” phone call, not text. He leaves Monday morning early and before the weekend is over I usually get at the least an overnight every other weekend, rarely more…this weekend I got two overnights and HE KISSED ME GOODBYE before leaving both times.
Kissing is usually reserved for during sex, and we have some incredibly passionate makeout sessions- but this was different, and caught me off guard. This was sweet, caring, “see you soon ” smooches in the entryway on his way out. Something very foreign for the type of relationship we’ve always had.
As analytical as I am, I’m trying to be pragmatic about things…but…
So I’ve come to you for some advice on what’s going on here. Am I finally getting what I have been secretly hoping for years now? Is my marine starting to see this as more than just a passing thing? From a guy’s point of view…what does the kiss goodbye signify?FYI..he’s Scorpio and I’m Aquarius AF.
Ewa
you are looking for signs, he is more serious, but why would he be ? He gets all the benefits without being in actual relationship.What do you think he says to other women about his relationship status?
You wasted so much time , purely because this relationship is convenient for him. He is not a nice man as you trying to portray him. Nice man would leave knowing you have feelings for him and he can’t commit to you. I work with a guy who started seeing this woman, apparently she is really nice, make him laugh, they go out together, he even posted photos of them on his social media, but he also said he doesn’t have feelings for her and this will never turn into a relationship, despite her having feelings for him.
If he wanted to be in relationship with you , you’d know, there won’t be any guessing games going on.Liz Lemon
I totally agree with Ewa. If a man wants to lock a woman down, he does it. You’ve been going along with this for 6 years, why would he change anything? He’s having his cake and eating it too– he gets the benefits of having a relationship without any of the commitment or responsibility.
You’re asking why he is doing these things (calling you, kissing you) but the “why” doesn’t really matter. He’s doing it because he feels like doing it but there’s no deep subtext. Men don’t operate that way. If he wanted to make you his girlfriend/partner (which is clearly what you want), he’d say so. Like Ewa pointed out in her example, men are capable of acting affectionate when they feel like it, but it doesn’t mean anything unless they back it up with concrete actions.
I’ll add that once guys put you in the “side piece” box, it’s very difficult to change that. Guys rarely see a woman they’ve been hooking up with as relationship material (no matter how close you think you are emotionally). He obviously enjoys your company but if he saw you as relationship material, he’d treat you accordingly.
I have been in this type of situation where I wanted a relationship with a guy and settled for crumbs…we were best friends, talked on the phone constantly, leaned on each other emotionally, even took vacations together. We slept together as well obviously, and every time I pushed for a relationship, he had an excuse why it wasn’t a good time. I thought that by biding my time, he’d change his mind. I was wrong, it never happened and I wasted a lot of time (years, just like you). I took was constantly looking for signs that his feelings for me had deepened, and that things would finally change. So I understand your mindset, I really do.
Eventually I snapped out of it and met my current partner who I’ve been with for years, and it was like night and day. I never wondered if he had romantic interest in me. In hindsight it was shocking when I looked back and realized what I had put up with from the previous guy, once I was in a relationship with a guy who truly wants me. I hope you can snap out of it too. In the meantime, if you’re ok with the way things are, by all means continue with this guy. But I wouldn’t expect anything to change.
Maddie
There’s no reason to read tea leaves and assume and hope that something has changed after all this time UNLESS he has outright said something has changed, he wants more with you, and he also follows through and acts on it. Nothing is ever implied in these FWB situations. If he wants it, he’d say it. If he in theory wanted it but was hinting and scared and couldn’t say it, that’s no better: it means he’s emotionally unavailable and can’t actually follow through on being a good official boyfriend anyway. But if he’s not saying it, he most likely doesn’t want it because the situation as is works well for him. Or he’s just not able to give more to you for whatever reason, which is something about him not you that you will not be able to change.
So figure out exactly what you want, and if you’re not getting it then don’t make excuses to keep waiting. Paraphrasing what Liz said, don’t keep yourself on the hook. I’ve been there, done that too, and it just doesn’t work, no matter how nice or intimate or close they seem with you while things are officially still “casual.” If you really want someone fully in and not casual, freeing yourself from the ambiguity sets you up for something better. It’s okay to outgrow your FWB.
AngieBaby
Guys falling in love with their FWB only happens in the movies. As everyone else has pointed out, men just don’t operate that way, it’s extremely unusual to move from the fun hookup box to the GF/wife box in a man’s mind. Please stop wasting your time hoping this man will return your love.
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