is it possible he thought I wasn't interested? Seriously…help.


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals is it possible he thought I wasn't interested? Seriously…help.

This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Emma 2 months ago.

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  • #826627 Reply

    Emma

    Iiiii can’t believe I’m on a forum, that right there should be my first sign this isn’t good BUT. I need some objective advice because I am so confused. It might get long, bear with me.

    I started seeing a guy over the summer, we talked all day every day, didn’t sleep together until…date 6 I want to say? In any case that didn’t change anything his communication remained the same. His best friend died in a freak accident and he maintained communication. I never really initiated conversation because he always did, but NEVER played dumb games, answered him, saw him regularly. I have never in my life, been so compatible with another human being. Same values, attraction there, same humor…never so much as a tense conversation. We didn’t call it exclusive, honestly after the best friend it wouldn’t have been top of mind, but I do think he was still on dating apps, though I’m not sure if he was active…I’m not the MOST emotive woman but I did make it clear I liked him. I never said I WANTED a relationship, I figured that was implied from time spent talking to him and seeing him but i’m not…clingy, at all.

    He started to do the pulling away thing, and after trying to revive the conversation several times (he never ignored me but stopped initiating) i sent him a message saying hey, I’m not sure if this is your way of telling me you’re no longer interested, but this is very one sided and I really don’t want to invest time into something that isn’t mutual…No response. Month goes by. My dog died, he reached out. I called him out and kind of said what the hell.

    His response… “If I’m dating it needs to be going somewhere… are you the funniest person i’ve ever met? yes. Am I attracted to you? of course…but I don’t know how else to explain it” So now woman brain has kicked in and i’m like… does this man think I was just being casual so he faded out? That…can’t be it right? I understand that’s a lot to unpack but I’m overthinking to the MAX. like if i’m so great…what?

    #826640 Reply

    emma

    i’m gonna just add when i say not clingy, i mean like… we’d only been seeing each other a few months (4) and I’m not a “good morning <3 & good night <3” texter type person if that’s not how they are too.. we’d talk all day but i’m not…mushy, until i feel like it’s “safe” to be so if that makes sense. He wasn’t either but he did initiate conversation every day. i’m just not ooey gooey til i know exactly what it is, because, for what? but i know a lot of girls are very forward with that and now i just don’t know..

    #826657 Reply

    Tallspicy

    This is a waste of time thinking about in the sense we will never know. But it sounds like it just did not click for him
    And men sometimes cannot be clear why… it just is not a connection they want to drive forward. He did not think you were casual, he was casual and did not want to lead you on.

    Things in your control… how you will behave next time:

    A. What did you learn about reading red flags.. sounds like he was not talking and acting like a boyfriend.
    B. Who do you want to be in a relationship – what tweaks would you make?
    C. Are there ways to add being more affectionate effusive in your dating “I am having a great time”, “I like that you are such a great friend” “thank you so much for the fun concert”, “I love that shirt on you”?
    D. Safety does not come from another person ever. It comes from you. You need to find it in you.
    E. Never sleep with a man without understanding where you both stand and what you both want and if you are not exclusive. It is reasonable on a 3rd date to ask what someone wants from dating.

    Most likely you did nothing wrong. Get back on the horse by working on you and dating COVID safely.

    #826658 Reply

    redcurleysue

    When a guy is interested you cannot beat him off you with a bat. The trick is to not be more interested than they are – all along the way. Keep your emotions there too and you will find that letting them take the lead will be less stressful and more productive. Do not pull the horse in front of the cart.

    #826664 Reply

    Ss

    I didn’t read your/description of your behaviour as uninterested but as him losing interest. It sounds like you started chasing him a little when his interest waned and he stopped initiating. That was your only mistake because he was interested enough to reply but not to initiate so because you initiated things dragged on for longer than they would have done had you just left it and let him fade.

    His comments when you spoke again after a month seemed to me to be him saying whilst you were great he just wasn’t feeling it and not that you didn’t seem interested. I’m not sure how you reached the conclusion that he was saying something about you being casual. Him saying it needed to be going somewhere was him saying he was not feeling the connection and it wasn’t going anywhere for him.

    #826665 Reply

    Ss

    I didn’t read your/description of your behaviour as uninterested but as him losing interest. It sounds like you started chasing him a little when his interest waned and he stopped initiating. That was your only mistake because he was interested enough to reply but not to initiate so because you initiated things dragged on for longer than they would have done had you just left it and let him fade.

    His comments when you spoke again after a month seemed to me to be him saying whilst you were great he just wasn’t feeling it and not that you didn’t seem interested. I’m not sure how you reached the conclusion that he was saying something about you being casual. Him saying it needed to be going somewhere was him saying he was not feeling the connection and it wasn’t going anywhere for him.

    #826709 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree with what’s already been said. You dated this guy 4 months. If you read this site a bit you’ll see that the 3-4 month mark is usually the time when a guy decides he sees a future with a woman. It seems to be the point where a relationship either really cements itself and deepens, or tapers off.

    It sounds like this guy did not see a long-term future with you. It doesn’t mean there was anything wrong with you (as he said, you’re funny, he found you attractive, etc). He just didn’t feel “it”. We’ve all dated people that were great on paper– were funny, smart, attractive etc, but for whatever reason the spark was not there. I have certainly been in that position.

    You mention that you never initiated with this guy but were always responsive. That surprises me because after 4 months I would think if there was a strong connection you would be initiating some of the time. You mention you are not “the most emotive” person either. It could be that this guy wants to be with a woman who is a bit more expressive or willing to let her guard down, reach out, etc. Not feeling “safe” to be mushy after 4 months is also surprising to me, I’m not sure what you mean by “mushy” but I feel like after 4 months you should be comfortable being affectionate and tender with a guy IF you have a strong connection. But that’s just me.

    Anyway at this point none of this really matters, it’s all just a guessing game now. I do agree with the general consensus that this guy just wasn’t feeling enough of a connection with you to continue dating. It doesn’t mean that you were casual or that you did anything wrong, you were just a good match in some aspects but not all.

    #826718 Reply

    Jen123

    “If I’m dating it needs to be going somewhere”

    I’ve said this after I had been dating for a couple months where I thought he was pulling a slow fade and I was uninterested in casual dating.

    How does his sentence fit in this context? I’m not sure.

    #826720 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Unless it is a very weak male, it means, I am not interested in making this go somewhere.

    This is why you must discuss early in dating what you want in dating (not the person) and why you don’t sleep with anyone not exclusive.

    As to initiating, you should not be intimating with men who are not your boyfriend unless it is pretty early and they are very very very consistent. And if they pull back, even less should you be initiating. Initiating with a man is a reward for consistency. 1 for 4 about if they are showing up, asking you out… acting like someone who is interested and expressing that you are on the same path to something growing

    #826727 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    The non-exclusivity thing is pretty big. I somehow overlooked that when I read your post before. You thought he was on dating apps but not sure he was active, and never discussed exclusivity in 4 months, even though you were sleeping together. That’s a big sign that things are not going anywhere.

    When dating things need to be escalating & growing in order for it to become a serious relationship. As the months go on, if you are not exclusive, not getting “mushy” with each other, not letting your guard down and getting more comfortable with each other– it seems unlikely to me that your status will go from merely dating to a relationship. It’s just not going anywhere- which is exactly what the guy told you the problem was.

    #826728 Reply

    Lane

    This is how most budding relationships end so don’t beat yourself up.

    Trust me, it was nothing you said or did, he just didn’t want to pursue something further and that’s the gist of it. I know it sucks when you think things are going well and then POOF, it’s over but that’s one of the biggest risks of dating and need to accept that they may end at anytime, for any reason or no reason at all other than they just lost feelings. I’ve lost feelings too many times to count and sometimes I don’t know why, its just that I lost the desire to continue with a particular man, so I ended it. Human emotions are complex so there’s no simple reason or answer other than it ends before it really begins and that’s why dating can really suck lol.

    I am non emotive, nor do I chase men. They will have to initiate 90% of the time if they want to keep my attention as I suck at texting (hate it) and don’t have the desire to reach out to people unless its for logistics, I need something/have a question or haven’t spoken to them for a good bit, including my two adult sons lol. I’ve tried when they asked for me to reach out more often but I fail after a short bit and revert to my natural state, so if they can’t accept that part of me, then that’s their problem, not mine. I was in a 20+ year marriage and currently with my man for 4 years and they initiated majority of the time so that’s not the reason because if a man is totally gaga about you, that won’t keep him from being with you, if he truly wants to be with you.

    In a nutshell, his feelings faded and that’s the best and only answer to go with in these circumstances.

    #826788 Reply

    Emma

    Thanks everyone who took the time to respond 😭 it’s like therapy

    #826795 Reply

    Emma

    i know there’s a few comments like “why were you afraid to open up” i mean, it’s just not that easy for me. I did initiate occasionally, I shouldn’t have said never, but in the beginning unless they’re super clear i’m just not a “HEY BABY CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU” type of person. I feel foolish.

    We’re both 30, so not super young, and as far as “just losing interest” or whatever. I’m not new to love, I was in 2 serious relationships spanning 10 years and I’d venture to say I was more compatible with this man on EVERY level than I was with my ex fiance. So I’m just…very confused.I guess it is that intangible thing where they can’t explain why but…ugh.

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