Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is it odd that my boyfriend doesn’t hold my hand in public?
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kaye.
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Jen
When we are alone, sitting on the couch or in the car, he will put his hand on my leg, rub my back, he will reach for me and hold me/cuddle when I’m bed so he’s affectionate that way.
The problem is when we go out, he just won’t touch me. He won’t hold my hand when walking unless I reach for his, then he will be fine with it. The other day, we got out of the car in a very busy parking lot and had to walk a little ways to the restaurant across the way and he knew I had to walk a little slower with my heels, and cars driving around looking for parking but he did not try to hold my hand or put his hand on my back, etc. Just walked alongside of me, even a tiny bit ahead. I think it’s just incredibly rude but he does this every time and I don’t think he does this to be rude but just lacks the common sense to not do this.
Yesterday, we were leaving the coffee shop and again, there is that distance. It bothers me but I don’t want to complain about something that may seem so petty. When we are in the car or at home though, he’s very hands on and sweet.
Is this normal behavior for some men? Like they truly don’t think it’s wrong or perhaps just doesn’t even register, and have no intent on it coming out in a way that they don’t care, but they just act that way?
Raven
He probably doesn’t know any better…
Newbie
Why do you call this wrong? You think a bf is obliged to hold your hand walking? I dont like to hold hands walking myself since it makes it more difficult to walk. I also have trouble pacing myself when someone i walk with is way slower. Im not rude about it, i do it automatically. I have to pace myself on purpose and then i go back to walking faster right away. It has nothing to do with my love for these people
Warasen
Some people don’t think to initiate public displays of affection. If it’s a big deal to you discuss it with him.
Jen
Thank you so much. I know some people do not like to do that in public but I’m looking back at our first date 9 months back. And as we were leaving the restaurant, he reached for my hand. So I know he is ok with it, but it’s just odd that he doesn’t do that anymore. As a matter of fact, he sometimes walks a couple of feet away and in front of me at times. I know there is that possibility he isn’t aware or thinks anything of it but sometimes if just makes me feel crappy when he doesn’t walk WITH me. A lot of guys feel proud to be with their significant other and will hold her hand or put his hand on her lower back when walking with her, so it makes me feel a bit unwanted. I know it sounds needy but that’s just how I see it.
Lane
Why is it so difficult to talk to him? An SO is someone you should feel easy and free to talk with about any subject. Next time he does it just stop and see how far he gets when he realizes you are just standing there. When he approaches just say “babe (or whatever sweet term you use for him), I would really appreciate it you would walk beside me and hold my hand” then grab it and start walking wherever you were going with a smile on your face showing him how much it makes you happy.
Men are not mind readers and not good at clues..directness; asking politely and/or showing them will get you much much further. Men like making their ladies happy but they can’t know how if you don’t tell or show them.
Warasen
Jen, is this the only concern you have in this relationship or if it just the greatest concern?
T
you are NOT needy. You deserve love and affection in ways you like. You are worth a hand hold. Holding hands is a very strong form of intimacy and you don’t just do it with anyone. YOU ARE WORTH THE LOVE YOU SEEK. Remember that. And if a boy can’t even as much as hold your hand then he really isn’t worth your time. I’m sure he has recently been widthdrawn and doesn’t show you much public affection as he use to. I know you see the signs. Listen to your gut.
quitcherbitchn do something
What’s wrong with grabbing his hand or wrapping your arm around his side or a hand in his back pocket? Why does he hafta do all the work?
TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT
R
I have definitely felt this way before in previous relationships. Now with age and experience, I see it like this:
I know myself and I’m not sorry for who I am. I’m affectionate, and understand the level of affection I need in return to not feel dissatisfied that my needs are not being met.
Regardless of your differences, it’s important you can talk about ANYTHING in a relationship and be heard, and come to a degree of understanding.
Otherwise, what is the point in any of it? Your needs are of equal importance. Speak up.Paige
Perhaps he comes from a background that discourages PDAs (Public Displays of Affection).
I did – and it used to drive my husband crazy because I didn’t hold his hand while we were out.
He didn’t have to guess why, though, because when I pulled my hand away, I’d say, “No PDAs.”
If it worries you, ask him if he prefers to not be overtly affectionate in public places.
If he says he feels uncomfortable with things like holding hands, wrapping an arm around each other or kissing in public, honor his feelings.
If he says he’s fine with PDAs, then take his hand the next time you’re out. If he pulls away, then ask him about it in a non-confrontational way (i.e., DON’T say “Are you ashamed to be seen with me? Do you not want people to know we’re a couple?”) when you’re home – or just let it go.
Ames
I had an ex who did that but only towards the end of the RS before he dumped me (was interested in another girl). He walked way ahead of me and it made me feel really bad about myself. However, he was an a##hole in a lot of other ways too..I think it’s a bit rude that your bf isn’t polite enough to match your pace–given that you’re wearing heels and obviously can’t speed walk. But does he treat you well aside from that minor fact? Maybe you walk slow and he walks fast..a lot of times guys walk faster because they have longer legs. I actually get annoyed when I’m walking beside a slow walker because I walk fast. Maybe he’s just oblivious to the fact he’s being rude? How old is he? Maybe he needs to work on his chivalry and manners which sometimes comes with time and experience. Also, he could be against PDA. Hand holding isn’t exactly over the top PDA though. Maybe mention it in a nice, gentle way next time. Is he from a culture where women are subservient? And is he being distant in other ways as well? Just because your RS is progressing doesn’t give him the right to start acting less kind.
Dangerouse
You have to ask him to take your hand. He can learn he needs to take your hand or give you his arm when getting in and out of cars, going up steps or curbs, etc. To keep you from tripping or stumbling.
it may not be a big deal
I hate holding my boyfriend’s hand but it’s because he’s soooo much taller that I feel like a little kid holding an adult’s hand.
BUT — I think maybe for you it’s more about the intent than the actual hand holding? Like you want to feel a little protected when holding his hand (the situation you describe about you in your heels or crossing the street).
You could try just continuing to be the one who instigates hand holding, or you could talk to him about what it means to you.
kaye
I have to disagree. I do think this is petty. And I do think this is normal behavior for most men. Truly pay attention and look at how many couples you see actually holding hands walking through the parking lot into the restaurant. If I had to guess it wouldn’t be very many. My husband is a foot taller than me and has a much longer stride. He usually walks a couple steps ahead to clear the way for me and open the door as we walk in. I don’t find it rude like you do. You can’t both walk through the doorway at the same time shoulder to shoulder can you?!? And I don’t think it’s a lack of common sense. I think it’s a personal preference you have which you haven’t shared with him.
I don’t think there is anything “wrong” with him not doing this and I don’t think it is any reflection on the status of your relationship. Although I will say hand holding in the beginning is much more prevalent than in an established relationship. Like you said he did it on the first date but not much now. If he’s affectionate and touches you when you are alone and in the car and you don’t have any other issues I wouldn’t even bring this up.
In my opinion this is needy behavior and a little childish. It makes me think you are younger, like early 20’s or something. I feel like it’s one of those things if you brought it up and told him it made you feel crappy and like he didn’t want to be seen with you he would take it in a negative way and think you were being insecure. Why can’t simply stop at some point and say hey babe, don’t walk so fast, I’m wearing heels? I wouldn’t turn this into some huge, you never hold my hand in public issue.
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