Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Is he scared or just not into me?
This topic contains 231 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Melody 6 years ago.
Yup! It’s devlin. She loves to story tell!
How can I prove to you guys that I’m not Devlin!?
Ok, I found her thread now. We don’t even have the same writing style!?
I’ve just had this happen to me, and you think I’m a fraud .. Great! I get that some of you give me a hard time and tell me I’m insane, but to tell me my story isn’t even real is really taking it too far. If you don’t believe me then please just leave and stop answering on here!
Can you say ‘bunny boiler?’
Jesus, not Devlin again.
Maybe I can help clear a bit of this up. I know you said you didn’t want a relationship and you don’t have expectations, but you actually are acting like a gf and have expectations (I’m pretty sure this is what he is sensing and what some of the posters are saying). Examples are wanting communication/interactions more, wanting to get to know him better/taking things slow, etc-really what you’re telling us in your comments today about what you want to say to him. You’re holding onto hope that he will change his mind later (it may not seem like this now, but I think you will see that you’re doing later).
When he said he didn’t want a relationship, believe him. Guys don’t say that unless they mean it. What he was saying is that he wanted a friends with benefits-which mean “no strings attached” and no expectations, none unless specifically agreed on. Meaning he can see you as much or as little as he wants.
I agree you shouldn’t reach out anymore, especially since you said you won’t do well if he ignored you.
I’m sorry this happened to you, but you’ll move on to someone who actually wants a relationship and it won’t be a rollercoaster. Best of luck!
I don’t remember any Deviln, but this thread really doesn’t show any signs of being fake. Give it a break to the girl.
Yes, Carla explained it well. And honestly, I hope this won’t raise your hopes again, bit he may even be in love with you. But reardless, he doesn’t want a relationship and he made it clear.You also made it clear that you are not okay with ‘casual’ any more (and good for you! no woman wth self-resoect would be). therefore, any interacion has to end now. all has been said. nothing left to explain. so do not have any more talks.
@Carla – I agree with you. And I’ve mentioned many times that I do want a relationship eventually. But I wanted to clear up where I stand and how I feel, and then I would leave it to him to decide where to take it. I knew in my heart I couldn’t do a FWB and the sex every weekend, and then minimal contact during the week. I was falling for him, and I knew it, I’ve never done the casual sex thing.
But he would invite me to go hiking with his other friends, with no indication that we would hook up after. We would go to gatherings together, shop together, hang out around town and things like that. It wasn’t like we were just meeting up, having sex, and then cutting it at that. He would also send me funny images he found on Instagram and things like that.
I do believe him that he doesn’t want a relationship. Especially now. And so my little talk probably wouldn’t make any difference, and there really is no point in me getting to know him better if eventually, it’s going to end with me falling even harder for him and him not wanting commitment. In the end that would just be really destructive of me. :(
Thank you so much! I will try my best to move on. Right now it feels like I will never find someone that makes me feel like he does, but I know time will heal it. :) Thank you!
@Shoshannah – Thank you! I do love to story tell, but unfortunately, this is all very real. And my phone is still silent. I’m not going to hear from him today …
@Shoshannah – Oh no, please don’t say that … Haha! Something funny did happen when we talked, actually.
He said: “How would you feel if you saw me with another girl?”
“It doesn’t matter …” Of course I meant, what I would feel doesn’t really matter. I didn’t want to tell him that it would break me.
His response was: “What? Really? You wouldn’t care?” and he actually seemed a little sad. And I just explained that how it would make me feel didn’t matter.
Then he was silent for a bit, staring me down. And then continued “But I was very clear, I don’t want a relationship!”
… And the rest of it you know.
But anyway. I can analyze what he said, did, his tone, everything until eternity, I will never know what he feels. When I asked if he never feels anything he just said “No, never. I never feel anything”. And I thought, oh wow, you really have issues …
Thank you! It was important me to tell him I’m not that kind of girl. He knew that. And I don’t care how the rest in this city date (many friends have pointed out to me that it’s just an “LA problem” that people don’t want to commit because there are so many options here), but I will always be a hopeless romantic, and that’s not something I’m ashamed of!
I appreciate your advice, Shoshannah. No more reaching out to him for sure <3
So now the fact he doesn’t want a relationship is because he lives in LA? Or that he has problems?
The only problem he had was opening himself up to a fwb with you and assuming you paid attention the first time he said he wasn’t wanting a relationship. I don’t agree he was in love. I beleive he is regretting he ever started this with her. It’s like a made for TV movie drama where the woman get infatuated and fixated on the guy and he simply can’t get rid of her.
And now he looked ‘sad’ when you said you didn’t care if he saw other women? I think he was startled by your answer because if you didn’t care you wouldn’t be hunting him down at his place of work after he wouldn’t make plans to see you. I think he already has another woman. Which is why he asked that. He repeated he told you already he didn’t want a relationship.
And you were that kind of girl, you were having a casual relationship including sex. You agreed you were not a gf to him. But now you feel the need to tell him you are not that kind of girl?
The term hopeless romantic reminds me of the character Glenn close played in the movie fatal attraction. She has a fling and then makes up her mind she just has to have this man,
Yeah, fatal attractiocn is a great movie. but I think its greates value is in showing how not black and white all of this is. the woman went crazy, but wans’t he at least partially respoinsible for it? sex is a risky buisness and it can mess up with people’s emotions.
‘Sex is risky business?’ The real point of the movie is that there are unstable people out there. And what seems like a benign adventure can turn into your worst nightmare. The man in that movie was similar to the one here. He didn’t lead her on or make false promises, he told her straight up he didn’t want a relationship. She couldn’t take ‘no’ she created this fantasy in her head. The OP created her own fantasy. And as someone pointed out, he had told her several times he didn’t want a relationship with her. He even pulled away to show by actions that she was getting too attached. The proportion of hurt here is not commensurate to the length of this fwb relationship. It was only a few months. We all know that men decide within that time frame if he wants you as a gf.
OMG– maybe MariaOriginal is onto something with the maggots. On the one hand, people are saying “fake post!” but on the other hand, people are saying “we see your kind of story here all the time!”. Why on earth would someone waste time posting a fake story and make it as generic as this– classic tale of girl wants more than the guy does and is having trouble with that emotionally.
Some of you have too much time on your hands– attacking each other, accusing people who sincerely are looking for help as being “fake”. This place is weird.
okay, apparently we understood the movie differently. regardless, our point is the same – Melody has to let it go now.
Give the girl a break. I posted on this forum a week ago and got accused of my post being fake as well bc a weird picture popped up as my photo (not exactly sure why). I was in a really sad place and the people accusing me of being fake brought me down even more.
It’s just mean spirited. If you think it’s fake, then just don’t respond. Otherwise, offer support!
The pic can up because you used someone else email address and not your own. So that said, you weren’t even being real about using your own email address. The icon pics are associated to a persons email.
Carol-No I did not use my real email. I typed in a generic address. I did not want me personal email associated with my post (if thats possible). I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I think many people want to maintain some level of anonymity on here….why go to a forum if thats not the case??
So…point is…my story was real…so what if I dont want to put my real email?
Alex, believe me that I know since I have a hard time not responding myself, that the more you try to defend yourself on here, the more you’ll get attacked. The people who are attacking you are doing it to get attention and it gives them a sense of power that they’re upsetting you and getting you to respond. I myself KNOW this but it is so hard not to defend yourself when you are being attacked.
You can put whatever email you want and use whatever name you want, you are here seeking advice and it’s been my personal belief that the people who troll and attack posters on here do it under multiple names so that it appears you are being attacked by many when it’s only one. It’s a psychological attack.
Lane referred to it as an underground mean girl’s club and yes… I do think there are several women on here who attack when one does. But I also think in many cases it’s one person logging in under multiple user names.
I don’t even blame the moderators for this so much (although let’s be honest, they COULD be doing a better job) because I think they DO ban people and then that person simply logs in using a different e-mail address and username. For instance, I think the Lem/Jen/Kim etc character has been kicked off more than once because they vanish for a while and then pop back up abusing posters again under a different name.
As for Melody, no, I don’t think you’re Devlin. She had a distinctly juvenile voice. I think you need to talk this out and vent, so that’s why you are responding so much which, this is why this forum exists. I also think you’ve been pretty brave updating us knowing that you were going to get a lot of harsh replies and attacked. I understand that you feel that the door probably isn’t closed. I’ve gone through similar situations in my lifetime and felt the same way. And I will tell you that YES…the person did come back. But they only hurt me again. So, that door you feel is still open a crack….YOU need to shut it. Block him from your phone, email, etc so he can never reach out to you again. You probably are not in that “place” where you can find the courage to do that, but rest assured this man will not change (not at his age) and you can expect him to come back in a few months wanting easy sex and no relationship again, and you will be right back where you started. You need to get to a place where you KNOW you deserve better than that.
you’re a psycho and you need professional help.
@Wow – I can never know why he doesn’t want a relationship or any kind of commitment. I don’t even think he knows that himself. What I wrote about dating in LA is what my friends tell me; that I do it wrong because people here don’t want to commit to only one person, they want to keep playing the field because there are a lot of beautiful people here. That’s not for me. I fall in love rarely, but when I do I fall hard. I don’t care to date random people if I don’t feel that connection. And that’s why my friends say I’m not fit to date in this city. But that won’t let me down, I’m sure I can find somebody one day. :)
Look, I don’t care if you find my tacky or like a sad character from a soap opera, this is how I feel, this is how I love. I’m sure you do it in a different way, but that doesn’t make it the only real way, ok? So please stop demeaning me.
I didn’t say I didn’t care that he saw other women, he just heard it like that. And like I said, I can analyze what he said, did and how he looked until eternity, I will never know what goes on in his mind.
I haven’t watched the movie you refer to, but calling me crazy is uncalled for in my opinion. I’m well aware that I put myself in a situation I wasn’t going to be okay with in the beginning. But after knowing this man for a few days, he mentioned to me how he didn’t want a relationship. We were only friends then, and trust me so many of my male friends say the same thing only to end up exclusively dating someone shortly after. The fact is that he never mentioned it after we started sleeping together. The week before we had sex for the first time, he tried to kiss me and I pushed him away and hurried home because I was afraid he only wanted sex from me, and I had already fallen for him. I texted him about that and said that we should remain just friends. He agreed, and I asked him if that was what he really wanted. And he said “Do I have other options?”.
Look, I understand he had told me from the beginning that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but trust me a lot of guys say that. If he had taken the time after we slept together to say “I’m not looking for anything serious” that would have made a difference. Instead, he was picking me up, dancing with me in his living room, cupping my face and telling me he had missed me so much. I mean. I’m a hopeless romantic, I thought this guy was falling for me. And I will not apologize for it or agree that I’m a crazy person that has pursued a man who clearly was only interested in sex. That was the smallest part of our thing; whatever it was.
And again: stop saying I can’t feel this kind of love after 5 months. It is possible. And I do. I know what love looks like, and I know how I feel. Just because you’ve never developed these kinds of feelings after 5 months, doesn’t mean it can’t happen or that my feelings are any less genuine than yours. I simply will not sit and take that kind of stuff. Please.
I respect your opinions, though, but respect that other people are capable of developing feelings differently than you.
@Alex – I’m sorry you didn’t get help with your issue. Did you eventually get some decent replies to your issue? Otherwise I would love to give my input (even though you can tell from this thread that I don’t have much experience with dating! hahaha).
@Shannon – there definitely are some pretty mean and nasty people on here who have no issue judging other people’s feelings and how they react. I have no issue with people disagreeing with how you’re reacting in certain situations, and in the end that IS why people go on this site – to get other’s opinions – but that doesn’t justify that you belittle or call them names. I think you’re a perfect example of someone who gives really good advice and respects the poster even though you disagree on the situation. So thank you for that! I’ve really appreciated every post you’ve made on here.
I’m definitely not Devlin. I don’t think anybody would spend this much time and energy on writing about a fake story when it’s this “simple”. Of course, in my head it’s not simple, but I’m the one it happened to so of course I would be the most confused. For outsiders it’s easy to see what’s really going on. I’m the same way with my friends. When they have issues with the men they’re dating, it’s really easy for me to see exactly what’s going on, and they feel the same about me. So I guess it’s just really hard to see the situation clearly when you’re the one with feelings involved.
I’ve definitely vented a lot on here, but in a weird way it has helped me. I’ve been burned a lot, but I wanted to go back here and update you on what happened, even though I knew it would be tough to face the backlash I knew I would be getting.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with similar men. I’m sure he’ll be back in my life eventually. He always comes back. After I’d been a little too needy over text once, and he had been ignoring me, he came over to me, pulled my hair to the side, stroked my neck gently and said “how are you, gorgeous?” And I was pulled right back …
If (when) he comes back, I have to give him my speech then. I can’t do more casual. It will hurt me too much. The sex was amazing and we have crazy chemistry, so I actually don’t feel bad that it happened, I just wished it could turn into more. And now I know that just because a man acts like he wants me that doesn’t mean it’s the case. I learned my lesson and got burned. I know I will learn from this.
Thank you, Shannon! <3
you are not psycho or crazy! He was definitely sending you mixed messages– the more you talk about it the more that becomes apparent. he was not treating you like a FWB– he was being romantic towards you. i actually think he probably did, at least at some point, have feelings towards you and then somehow got himself all freaked out and decided he didn’t want a relationship. That is sad, but it is not your fault. I don’t think it’s even his fault, my hunch is he is just a confused messed up guy, and led you on inadvertently. Don’t blame yourself or listen to these nasty b*tches comparing you to a stalker. You maybe came on a little strong, but I doubt that’s why it went wrong. he is just messed up in the head and not ready for something real.
This post is fake and so are many posters.
LOL can someone please explain to me what the logic and paranoia is behind thinking people are making fake posts ? I truly don’t get it. I mean, why would someone do that? And if they were to do that, wouldn’t someone make up something a lot more……. interesting.
I haven’t been here long and feel like I’m missing something. I truly don’t understand why you guys think this is fake.