Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Is he scared or just not into me?
This topic contains 231 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Melody 5 years, 9 months ago.
@Melody – Please don’t mind the caps locks I use here because I really want to get the message across.
You are only getting yourself entangled and more entrenched into the roller coaster ride if you are spending so much time and energy on this man, in whatever way you are doing it, including posting on this forum. You need to STOP, be alone away from this man completely, stop writing on this forum and spend every minute of your time ON YOUR OWN UNTIL you are no longer feeling any strong emotions for him.
It doesn’t even matter what this man thinks, what issues he have, what he plans to do or why he blows hot and cold. STOP thinking and wasting your time wondering what is going on with him. Every second you spend investing in thinking and being emotionally involved, you are setting yourself up to a greater disappointment.
FOCUS ON YOURSELF now for your own sake. You should’t even be trying to figure another person out when you have not taken a good look at YOURSELF. Why are you so entangled by the “highs” of an imaginary relationship? Why are you so bent on figuring him out? Why are you so blindly hopeful about a situation you cannot change and know to be literally impossible given how many issues you yourself said this man has? BECAUSE YOU HAVE A VOID INSIDE YOURSELF. You have not taken the time to fill up that void, and you desperately need this man to fill this void for you.
You are literally setting yourself up for abuse. He has already shown you that he is abusive. Yet you cling to him like air. Your self esteem is not where it should be, neither is your level of emotional health. Your priority now should be to work on your own issues, find out the void you have, with counselling, therapy and whatnots, and get yourself into a more emotionally healthy place.
I am not writing this to mock you, I had been exactly where you are at now. But one thing I did right was to CUT ALL CONTACT and STAY ALONE. It was a very painful process, but because I had the strength to walk away, I am much stronger now and did not end up being abused at the same level as you are. You need to do the same.
Because the women responding are about as bright as a burned out lamp.
People on this forum seem to think that once you mentally decide you need to move on from a guy, it just happens like magic. It takes time for the heart to catch up.
I think it’s fine to meet up with that girl if she is actually also a friend of yours. I would just be careful what you say…keep in mind anything you say could go back to him.
it’s also common on here for the women to paint the OP into a picture of a stereotypical crazy girl
I know Alex. But is it a bad thing if it does get back to him? Maybe he will realize what he’s missing? I guess that’s secretly why I want to talk with her.
I can’t believe this thread is still going! How many more ways can we tell her this guy isn’t interested?!?
Alex, this girl isn’t her friend!! She’s someone she met through this guy just 5 months ago! The only reason she knows her is because of him and now she’s using her to maintain some connection with this guy. It’s not healthy.
As far as “the women” on here painting her as the stereotypical crazy girl, we didn’t do that. She did that all by herself!! Do you really think showing up at a guy’s work to discuss your non-existent relationship with him to the point he has to be rude to you and tell you he said from the beginning he didn’t want a relationship and to ask if he’s making himself clear enough.. isn’t over the top crazy?
And then to say that your last relationship was with an emotionally unavailable, depressed, scared guy who treated her badly in the beginning to the point she would drive 2 hours to spend the weekend with him only for him to stay in his room and her spend the entire weekend awkwardly with his roomie. Does any of that sound like the actions of an emotionally healthy person? She has some serious issues and needs much more help than we can give her here.
I definitly don’t think it will make him realize what he’s missing. I thin it would push him away more.
But she’s his best friend! So maybe this means he wants to know I’m ok? She wants us to be together.
kaye….I dont’ think melody is asking if the guy is still interested. she is not wondering about that anymore. she stated that.
the way you described it sounds crazy, sure, but that is YOUR own rendition of the story (i.e. painting her out to be a crazy nutjob with no logical sense)…s
your response may be what you honestly think but honesty without any tact is just cruel.
anyway…melody i agree with kaye that you are using this girl to remain connected to him in some way. I get it because I think i’ve done that in the past…but it won’t do any good.
Melody, if this man wanted to know you were okay, or wanted you back, you would have heard from him by now. He has your number. He goes to the same gym as you. He knows how to get in touch with you. He would have no reason to send his best friend as an emissary to smooth things over or find out you’re okay.
She may just genuinely LIKE you. Or, and I do think this is a possibility when we’re dealing with a woman whose best friend is a man, she may not have any other female friends. Men don’t want to sit and talk over things the way women do…she may need that in her life and you seem open to friendship. I would not read anything into her actions to do with him AT ALL.
My boyfriend’s friend that tried to maintain friendship ties had very few female friends and I think that was the main reason why she tried to maintain the connection. It had nothing to do with him at all. BUT, she was going back and telling him everything I said, which is why I’m cautioning you that her loyalty is to HIM.
If melody cannot see that talking to the friend after he already told her to go away is a poor choice of layering issue on issue, then we cannot stop her. If she cannot see that the only way to see what is missing is to actually be missing, we cannot stop her. If she cannot see that healthy people walk away from unhealthy people without saying it is because they care, then we cannot stop her.
Melody, have at it.
Ok!!!! So I talked to her just now, she is inviting him to meet up with us!!!! What do you think that means? Is that good? Right? I’m not sure what I will say. What would you do girls?
It would be best for you to just drop this & not talk about him. I’ve found the more you talk about it & think about it, the more you are just banging your head against the wall & as a result remain stuck. It makes it worse & at a certain point you are doing it to yourself. Just say ok he told me to my face he doesn’t want me – case closed. Nothing matters at this point just drop it. Once you drop it, your heart can follow. I know some venting is necessary but after a bit of that, truly just stopping will make you get over it quicker. Don’t keep it alive or it’ll eat you alive.
Agreed with Ashley, he told you he’s not interested. You are hanging on for dear life and hoping that there’s a slight chance with him. That’s what’s keeping you where you’re at. We’ve all been where you’re at, some of us more than once! That’s why we are all telling you that this guy is not going to change his mind. Stop using the poor girl for references on him either, you can keep her as a friend but what you’re doing is wrong. I understand your motive and even though it’s not sinister, it’s still not cool.
You run the rodeo here. It takes experience and heart-ache to realize sometimes and some of us have to learn the hard way. Maybe that’s what you need to know that this guy is not that into you. There’s tons of what if’s in any life situation, but don’t wait around for it. Just because you applied to a job that had a ton of what if’s, would you stop applying to other jobs? I know you feel that he’s different and your situation is so different, it’s not as for him not being interested.
Oh good grief. I’m sure his best friend will get him to ‘see the light’ and he’ll grovel at your feet begging you be his GF and the two of you will ride off in the sunset and live happily ever after! You must be having a blast making this crap up. She’s definitely a troll.
I heard him and his best friend were both out shopping for rings for the OP earlier. He’s got quite a surprise prepared, the whole restaurant is planned into a musical, and he jumps out of the cake to propose.
Well Alia that’s not the story I heard… he’s proposing at the gym with a 5 string quartet! Devlin is going to be her maid of honor and Mike is going to officiate the ceremony!!
I would absolutely not see a guy with a friend when he scolded me a few days ago in cold word that he doesnt want a relationship with me. How awkward. No he can go stuff himself
I’m starting to think this is fake too. SMH.
Well, let’s look at the bright side…plenty of women probably ARE in a similar situation, so maybe reading this thread will be helpful to them.
Although I’m wondering if it’s a troll that’s pretending to be the OP that is writing some of these responses.
There is a troll lurking around who is using OP’s names to post as them. On the “I’m Dating an Arab” thread she posted anti-Muslin rhetoric under the OP’s name.
The guy does not want to be with you Melody-that is all you need to focus on-the whys matter not when you know the outcome/bottom line. Forget friends chiming in-go no contact forever.
As I am drinking my green smoothie I am reading this thread and find it quite amusing.
What I’d like to know is this. Did any of the advice given here mattered at all? It seems that no matter what people say here the OP is going to do whatever they were going to do. Is it a big time waster ladies? I am here to try and help, it is good karma, it feels good to help others, but is it helping? Melody? Anyone? was any of the advice given here, not just mine, but any helpful to you? And further, did it change your behaviour in any way?
I think it’s a troll posting under the ops name. It doesn’t sound like the op at all. I thought it was the op at first but now it seems too weird
Even if this post was fake, I think there’s still a lot of great advice here. This is type of situation is quite common, so I think any outsiders reading will find the advice helpful. I still read and find threads helpful that don’t pertain to me, just good knowledge to have (and it’s interesting).