How to tell him why I am rejecting him


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This topic contains 36 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  AngieBaby 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #943332 Reply

    Tess

    I have been seeing a guy for 3 months. Long distance. The first two times we met he treated me very well, paid for everything. He loves me, cares for me, we are in an exclusive relationship and he wants to get married to me as soon as I feel comfortable – a year or two whatever it takes. The third time we met he didn’t come to pick me up and wi had to pay for our hotel stay, he only contributed for food from cheap little takeaways. I didn’t like this because in my culture we don’t make the women pay. It’s her choice. And even personally I don’t feel attracted to guys who don’t feel like impressing me in the beginning of the relationship. I like masculine energy which can take care of his lady. If I have to split bills I would rather go with a friend. So he suggested the next date to an expensive place and I said let’s do some affordable stuff because i knew he would be expecting me to pay again. But he said we will go Dutch. I hated that. I don’t go Dutch with my husband or boyfriend. It’s not like I never treat them, don’t get me wrong. I just feel a man should pay for his lady. My late husband never ever made me pay for anything and he wasn’t a millionaire. Since this incident I have lost all attraction for him and I don’t feel like seeing him at all. He is asking me a lot what happened, and that he is hurt, he cannot lose me, he really loves me etc and is not accepting my other reasons – I have lost love feeings etc. He wants to know the truth. How do I tell him I don’t go Dutch with my boyfriend without sounding entitled or like a gold digger.

    #943333 Reply

    Tess

    Also, he once hinted that i should buy a particular expensive jacket for him. I found that soooooo unattractive. He has given me little gifts so far but an expensive jacket? Really? Is that a normal expectation? I mean I am a lady and I am not expecting him to buy me expensive jewellery or dresses or anything yet.

    #943334 Reply

    Tess

    I love him still. But I can’t see him being my husband.

    #943335 Reply

    Tess

    Also, he is 5 years elder to me. Earns four times more than me. But he recently told me that he has to look after his parents and he is a man of responsibilities so he doesn’t have money. Also I will have to live with his mom and dad of I get married to him – and is dad is abusive – he beats his mother when he drinks – he says his dad is a narc.

    #943336 Reply

    Tess

    And I feel he is lying about the taking care of his parents bit. I think he just has to physically take care of his parents while his elder brother contributes financially for parents. The elder brother lives with his wife separately

    #943337 Reply

    Maddie

    Just say you are incompatible and do not have similar lifestyles, and because you are long distance, it took you longer to get to know this. You do not owe him any further details, and if he keeps pressing you, it actually justifies the decision. You buried the lede by adding all of that in with his upbringing and family after your first post, but you knew something was off. He came on way too strong at first, but then doesn’t see money and dating in the same way as you on top of it. If he can’t take no for an answer, you’ll need to ignore or block him. There’s no reason to keep the conversation going when you’ve already decided you don’t see this going anywhere.

    #943338 Reply

    Raven

    His Father beats his Mother?!

    #943385 Reply

    Tess

    Maddie, it’s just that I want to tell him about the money issue so he knows that’s why I am leaving. Maybe he would step up? I mean he is very caring and into me. So I don’t want to lose him. He just lives in a scarcity mindset so maybe he doesn’t feel like spending money idk but maybe if he knew that I am leaving because of this he might do something to change that?

    Raven – in his childhood his dad used to beat his mom. Now there are no beatings. But he still annoys her after drinking.

    #943387 Reply

    Maddie

    You’ve only met in person a few times. And he’s older than you, a full grown adult who has been living a certain way his entire life. Do not expect him to change for you. Accept him for who he is, or accept that you do not have compatible financial values. This relationship has been very short and you don’t know each other so well yet, plus he’s got a lot of red flags.

    #943388 Reply

    Tess

    What are the most prominent red flags according to you?

    #943389 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Tess… are you serious??

    RED FLAGS GALORE:

    “But he recently told me that he has to look after his parents and he is a man of responsibilities so he doesn’t have money. Also I will have to live with his mom and dad of I get married to him – and is dad is abusive – he beats his mother when he drinks – he says his dad is a narc.”

    And now he wants you to go dutch and buy him expensive things. (Warning – people with a narc parent sometimes pick up narc-like tendencies, and this could be the early signs of that.)

    Fine if you’re old school and want the man to pay, no judgment for that. But this guy heavy duty romanced you a few times and then dropped the act when he felt like he had you. Open your eyes.

    “Maybe he would step up? I mean he is very caring and into me. So I don’t want to lose him. He just lives in a scarcity mindset so maybe he doesn’t feel like spending money idk but maybe if he knew that I am leaving because of this he might do something to change that?”

    Holy wow. It seems you want this guy because he makes four times more money than you do and you somehow believe you can make him take care of you. NO, he will not step up. His scarcity mindset is his reality and won’t change because you threaten to leave. That’s immature manipulation on your part.

    After only a few months of dating, you’ve only seen a little bit of him and you’re in love with the part of him, I think, who took care of you. It’s extremely rare to be fully, deeply and truly “in love” with someone you’ve only known such a short time.

    Going by what you’ve stated above, you’ve seen the real him but apparently the dollar signs are blinding you. You know you don’t want to marry him but you’ll stick around if you can cajole him into paying for you.

    Sounds like you’re going to learn the hard way this won’t end well.

    #943390 Reply

    Maddie

    Yes to all the flags AngieBaby said.

    A couple of questions. How long ago did your husband pass away (my condolences)? Have you dated anyone else since then?

    You’re describing being in love with a man you’ve met maybe 4 times who: is long distance, you don’t want to marry, doesn’t make you happy with all aspects of how he treats you, comes on way too strong with promises and expectations inappropriate for early dating, and has a chaotic home life that will impact you negatively as you’ll have to live with his abusive father. Perhaps you’re still scared and upset and mourning the end of your past relationship and choosing a bad match for yourself on purpose as it feels that might protect you from feeling hurt again? But you want to be with someone so you’ll feel less lonely?

    This man sounds emotionally unavailable for a real relationship, despite pretty words about marrying you once you’re ready. And it is quite manipulative to try to be with someone you’ve lost attraction to while pulling way back or breaking up totally in hopes that will cause them to change something (a change that will be temporary at best or will make him angry at you for suggesting at worst). Think about what you really want and why, and don’t play games. That’s the only way to be fair both to him and to yourself, otherwise you’re going to get stuck in a total mess.

    #943391 Reply

    Tess

    Angie baby – yes, i need to open my eyes. He literally didn’t want to pay for me because he knew he had me. You are right. I didn’t even know he made 4 times than me when i fell for him so I don’t think that’s the reason I feel for him. I fell for him because he if felt like he loved me but when I saw he doesn’t want to ay for me even though he has money and I don’t i didn’t feel loved by him and I somehow want him to know this. That this is why I am doubting his love for him. But in my heart I can see now that he doesn’t love me so I don’t want to tell him this and look cheap.

    And yes these are all red flags you pointed.

    #943392 Reply

    Tess

    Maddie – I lost him 2 years back to a plane crash and I have been incredibly love deprived and lonely since then. This is the first time I dated someone after him because he had husband like qualities. He literally took care of me, picked me up and loved me. But then became cheap…if he could just stop being cheap I would feel loved again…but the reality is that he doesn’t that’s why he doesn’t want to pay for me.

    You are right maybe I am just lonely. And want to feel loved and have a husband again to live with and love.

    #943393 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Tess, I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband and in such an unexpected way. As I’ve stated here before, I am on the spectrum and I speak pretty plainly and I hope I didn’t cause you any upset. Maddie wrote the same things I was thinking so much better, she usually does and so do other regular posters. I just don’t have the same ability as others to be sensitive to nuances, no matter how hard I try. Many times I can see after the fact that I was too blunt and this is one of those cases. I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t be commenting here. But I wanted to say, please take good care of yourself as you process the loss. There are a lot of unscrupulous men out there who won’t be kind to you and take advantage of your loneliness. Please go slow when you meet someone. Love takes time. And walk away when you see the red flags so quickly! I’m glad this man showed his true colors so fast. Wishing you the very best and I hope in time you find love and companionship with a great man.

    #943394 Reply

    Maddie

    AngieBaby, I appreciated your comment because I wasn’t sure how to say all that. You commenting first allowed me to summarize and get to the next point because you covered the rest well. Don’t feel like your comments don’t bring value just because you laid it out bluntly!

    Hopefully getting multiple perspectives, especially when they’re similar, is still helpful to OP. But Tess, your loss is understandably difficult. Were you able to get any grief counseling before resuming dating? Some of these red flags you now see are really universal and should be avoided, and having some help and guidance to deal with processing grief will make it a whole lot easier for you to feel confident picking a good man in the future. It’s tough to bounce back after an unexpected tragedy because you may be motivated by fear or loneliness, and either of those feelings will lead you to lousy men who operate best with women who will let them get away with too much. Him not spending enough money isn’t really the problem here, though it is an incompatibility between you both.

    #943398 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Thank you so much Maddie.

    #943401 Reply

    Tammy

    Sorry for ur loss. I dont think tess u need to go into reasons as to why you want to back out. Being cheap is def a big factor in wanting to back out. A frnd of mine was dating this guy and he wld go dutch for evrythng! Despite misgivings she still married him. Post marriage things just got worst. Despite years of marriage there was a clear demarcation in terms of his and her money. And he mostly ensured he paid for his expenses and she paid for hers. Even for holidays, he wld be reluctant to spend for her. Needless to say, they got divorced aftr many years. But all thru their marriage it was alwys his money and her money. So its best you nip this here right now before u get more involved.

    #943423 Reply

    Tess

    Thank you for all the great advice and empathy. I have understood that this is not the right relationship for me and I have let him know that I cannot continue the relationship. He is very upset but has accepted my decision. But it is becoming a little difficult for us to stop contact. Even I am finding it difficult. Because we were literally always together. Involved totally in each other’s lives. It was so good. Now it all just feels so bad.

    #943424 Reply

    Raven

    Hi @Tess, You’re going through withdrawals…

    This is normal. You know that by keeping in contact doesn’t do you any good, right… You are long distance, so just block him. It sounds cruel, but best in the long run.

    Heal without the distractions so you’ll be ready & able to accept the love you deserve.

    #943425 Reply

    Raven

    ps: It wasn’t ‘so good’
    You we’re miserable dating a miser.

    #943426 Reply

    Maddie

    Raven is right about the withdrawals. They do pass but you need to allow them to pass. You said he came on really strong early, was he love bombing you? That can make everything feel even worse when it ends, but it’s not because of actual love.

    #943427 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Block him completely and let yourself feel your feelings and grieve the loss. I think you’ll find after a while you were more infatuated with the idea of him, not the real person, because as Raven correctly points out, it wasn’t that good. He romanced you on two trips and then took the mask off and expected you to pay your own way. Living with his dysfunctional parents wasn’t an option. You’re idealizing him now – to remind you, this was NOT GOING TO WORK for you. You were understandably looking to fill the place in your heart your late husband occupied. The other thing is, when you see someone in a LDR it’s always fun but when you get together with them and are physically with them all the time, a lot of the time you find out you are not at all compatible, you were getting the surface version of them. And you were being a surface vision of you. I know it hurts. It WILL pass.

    #943429 Reply

    Tammy

    If being in touch is making it diff for you to break that bond, you need to stop all contact. Just block his number and take few days to get over your grief and disappointment. Trust me you do not want a man in your life who is dependent on you momentarily. That will kill any fewlings that you may harbor for him in no time at all! If you feel like connecting remwmber how hes stingy with hia money. And there is nothing wrng with wanting to be with a man who is financially well settled and stable in life.

    #943484 Reply

    Tess

    It’s getting better. I am doing okay. We are in contact but I am okay. Just wanted to update. But we have officially broken up.

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