how to tell him he's upset me


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  • #388015 Reply
    moofus

    I know I’ve sabotaged all of my past relationships by being too accommodating and then when I get treated like a doormat, getting hurt and needy until the guy has no respect for me or gets fed up of me constantly chasing him wanting him to treat me better.

    With my current boyfriend I can feel things starting on the same slippery slope and so my question is this, while I don’t need him and make him the centre of my universe how do I make sure he doesn’t just walk all over me without using ultimatums or breaking up with him? I don’t want to be that nagging girlfriend but I want to be able to say when he’s pissed me off without sounding like I’m all needy and clingy?

    #388017 Reply
    Shabz

    Hey, it would be helpful to have an idea of what sort of thing you mean? I am not sure why being annoyed by something would come off as needy or clingy so I think it must be related to what you are annoyed about?

    #388019 Reply
    Talllady

    Can you give a specific situation, then we can help more.

    In general, best to not say someone hurt you, best to say, you are hurt and own your own feelings. Example….. Wow, it feels icky when our calls don’t happen. I know it is my issue to deal with my anger, but I was hoping you could help me. What do you think?

    When this happens, I feel this. I am sure that is not your intention….

    #388022 Reply
    moofus

    In my last relationship I tried too hard and when it wasn’t reciprocated i felt hurt and blamed him. Very quickly the relationship imploded by me constantly asking why my bf didn’t call and him starting to calling less and less until he just didn’t want to be around the clingy needy person I’d become.
    In this relationship I’ve started to notice the same things happening. I read a few articles on here that pretty much detailed how things have gone in the past when I’ve called the guy out on something and he’s just seen it as needy. So I’m just confused now as to how you make clear that you aren’t willing to put up with being taken for granted without sending them running to the hills!

    #388024 Reply
    Talllady

    You need to do it situation by situation. You are not giving me anything to work with in terms of details, or examples so I cannot say if it is you or him.

    But your best move is to just focus on you and your life, do not make him the center. And focus on what he is doing well, not what he is messing up. And if you feel hurt, own your own experience. Look up inner bonding and Kate Byron – the work. Both very good tools.

    And you walk away from someone who treats you badly. Ultimately, you can’t change someone. You can only make requests and observe…

    #388029 Reply
    Stefanie

    Tall, have you been reading Rori Raye?

    #388030 Reply
    Stefanie

    And by the way, it is Byron Katie. Yes that really is her name. It’s her first and middle name, in that order.

    The reason I ask about Rori is because I bought a couple of her classes and “icky” is a word she uses. It’s not a word I would use speaking with a man, it sounds like a five year old’s language IMO.

    #388032 Reply
    Stefanie

    Moofus, I highly recommend you read EVERYTHING you can on this site. I changed my life in 8 weeks because I learned all about men from reading the ebook, Eric and Sabrina’s posts and reading the forums voraciously. It’s the crash course in how men think and all the mistakes women make in dealing with them. I had the same problem as you – I was too nice and I tried too hard. When you learn you are The Prize and exactly what that means you should and shouldn’t do, life gets a whole lot better.

    #388033 Reply
    Tallady

    I dabble with Rory. She has a few interesting concepts, of which I really like the phrase icky. I find it is clear and men understand it well. I have used it occasionally and never once was told I sounded like a child. In fact, every man has changed their behavior and apologized in the situation, and the relationship grew. You don’t have to use it, if you don’t like it.

    Btw, icky works well because it covers a bunch of feelings that are hard to describe…. Disappointed, frustrated, angry. That way you don’t get too wordy. Use whatever words work for you.

    #388045 Reply
    Ali

    The best thing you can do is to tell your boyfriend what you want beforehand. Men are not mind readers. So if he’s wanting to go out with the guys and you are wanting a date night, tell him in a mature non dramatic way. Preferably in person or over the phone. Texting i feel is the worst way to communicate. You’ll need to compromise sometimes. Like go to dinner first just the two of you and then both go grab a drink with his friends. But a man who is into you will want to make you happy. They just don’t pick up on hints like women do. So if youre feeling hurt or confused, just talk to him about it before you make it worse and over analyze it to death.

    As long as you’re not going off the handle every week, you shouldn’t be seen as needy. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 11 months now and it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself and him is just being more upfronts about my wants/needs and telling him when I’m feeling hurt. He’s always listened and been reassuring. And not once called me needy!

    #388056 Reply
    Stefanie

    Tall, thanks for clarification. I’m living in England. In 10 years I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say “icky.” That’s probably my bias against it.

    #388057 Reply
    Lagirl

    I don’t like the word icky either… Doesn’t resonate or feel right with me. But I noticed that even Eric used it in one of his articles…

    #388058 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Moofus.

    Thing is men are DIFFERENT from us. They act differently, talk differently, and above-all need to have A PURPOSE (reason he exists) which they do by achieving life goals. When they no longer feel your supporting or inspiring him to achieve those goals and demand he focus on YOU is the moment his attraction level decreases and you start losing him.

    With men, I have found the BEST way to get your point across is to use humor! Men hate SERIOUS relationships—they want to laugh, have fun, and above-all know that you support his goals, objectives, dreams and accept him warts and all. A man’s primary need (biologically speaking) is to provide and protect, and he will be more than happy to do that for you when HE FEELS you support his primary PURPOSE (such as a career, hobbies) by actively engaging with him in those endeavors.

    Men absolutely crave a woman who’s light-hearted and doesn’t take things too seriously especially when things get rough. If you’re becoming overly serious, worried, and self-conscious is when he loses attraction and pulls away. If you lead with a sense of humor most of the time, it’s an amazing find for a man—-men don’t just want it, but NEED IT.

    I suggest you stop focusing solely on what a man can do for you and find out what his LIFE PURPOSE IS and how you can inspire him to attain it—if you do this, he will reciprocate by giving you his love and attention (quid pro quo). Humor is also an excellent prescription when a man’s too serious, whereas if can get him out of his little funk by getting him to laugh and lighten-up his attraction level for you goes UP big time! So try to lighten up, get some sass, find funny anecdotes to address problems in a relationship, stay busy doing your own thing too, and you might learn how to enjoy them :-)

    #388081 Reply
    Stefanie

    Good one Lane. The short course in how to positively engage with a man.

    #388084 Reply
    talllady

    It is good to have an arsenal of communication. Humor is not always effective, and may not be appropriate, depending on the situation. In fact, using humor when you are very upset is not authentic. I prefer owning my emtions and making requests…

    Each person uses something that works for them, if icky does not work, then don’t use it. However men get confused by too many words and deeply understand when something does not feel good. …hense icky or uncomfortable or unsure or bad…

    #388085 Reply
    talllady

    Always good to try lighthearted first..

    #388100 Reply
    moofus

    Thankyou to everyone I really appreciate the great advice on here :)
    To be more specific, my bf works away a lot and his communication can be very sporadic, sometimes not for days even when in the middle of a conversation. This used to drive me bonkers and I’d take it mega personally to the point where when he did contact me the first thing I would do is have a go at him about it. I realise now from reading the articles on here that this only made things worse and didn’t make him fall to the ground apologising and want me more (shock) it is also something I did with all my past bf’s and probably why they are in the past! So anyway I stopped letting it bother me so much and things are better but by just dismissing the fact that he ignores me for days am I giving him the go ahead to mess me around whenever he feels like it?

    #388102 Reply
    Lane

    Sorry Tall, but if a woman is TOO SERIOUS or UPSET all the time it drains a relationship.

    Humor works because its a sign a woman is in control of her emotions, is confident, self-assured, and doesn’t take everything so darn seriously. Women need to OWN their feelings and emotions. Its when they stop owning them and dump them on a guy by blaming him for her having them, especially when he’s not or losing interest because of it, is not a good relationship strategy.

    I agree you don’t use humor or be light-hearted if you catch him in a bold face lie, he cheated or did something morally reprehensible, but not because he didn’t text you that day, or decided to hang out with his buddies or took up a new hobby and instead of seeing you four days a week can only see you three! Women have this warped idea that man’s sole focus and vision in life should be to make HER happy and placate HER needs all the time! Sorry, but women need to get over themselves and accept that a man needs to have a lot of things and people in his life, as should she, and stop relying on one person for all or most of it.

    #388124 Reply
    M

    I don’t use the word “icky” but I might start, for the reason Tallady gave… it covers a lot of emotions and it’s a non-threatening word. I once told a man I was feeling a “bit angry” that he was demanding sex before any commitment. He FREAKED OUT. Now, it’s obvious this guy is not right for me and I stopped communicating with him but there are some emotion words that can be triggering for some people. Angry and hurt are two biggies. Icky can cover the whole gamut and it’s not such a loaded word. I think I will try using it more often. Thank you!

    Another thing that’s worked really well for me when I can remember to use it is “I’m assuming you do everything for a good reason. Would you help me understand, why did you do…?” This is a really helpful question because the reason we think he’s doing something is almost never the reason. Once, I asked a guy to do something for me and he was doing the complete opposite. I knew he loved me and he was a very kind man who would never intentionally mess with me. But every time I saw him do the opposite I started to think… “Is he STUPID??” I knew he wasn’t so I asked him. Turns out he just had the completely opposite definition of the word. (I asked him to leave the shower curtain open to air it out and let it dry. My definition was spread out, his idea of open was squished up in the corner so that the shower was open to step into…. so silly but after a few days of wondering and gentle reminders I was ready to chew him out. But I asked and we had a good laugh about it)

    #388141 Reply
    Ashley

    hey girl, I totally relate to you, I always have to resist the temptation to not “call a guy out” lol SO instead of “calling him out” when you don’t like his behavior, don’t say a WORD about it. you just distance yourself. no words. just actions. let’s say your boyfriend left you out of something. instead of doing what you usually would do, like call him out on it, instead don’t say anything just go do your own thing. make your own plans. don’t be home, don’t be available, & then he will see you have your own things going on & you’re not paying all that attention on his every move. whenever a guy upsets you, instead of complaining about it, just remove yourself from the equation! be less available to him. if a guy seems less happy to see you then just become busy & the roles will become reversed. you take all the drama out of the equation by just becoming distant & dignified :) guys don’t listen when we bitch so if you just pull back, he WILL pay attention to that! be sure to seem happy tho, don’t seem upset. it’s just that “dont have time for BS” but you’re happy doing your OWN thing

    #388177 Reply
    moofus

    Hi Ashley that makes perfect sense! I hate drama and confrontation but I thought that was the only way to get my point across how crazy is that?! Thankyou :)

    #388181 Reply
    Ashley

    exactly! :) :) since the “talking” about it is what makes the guy think the girl is clingy, needy, etc. then if you take it out of the equation, we don’t come off any bad way! just that when we aren’t being treated properly, you will not be seeing us until you do! easy yay :)

    #388184 Reply
    Stefanie

    Good post M.

    Ashley, appreciating your Millennial generation perspectives. I”m Gen X.

    #388189 Reply
    willa

    Hi. Great topic – this is just what I was coming here to post! Although I don’t call guys out, I just rationalise in my head. I want & know I need to be stronger and clearer in my boundaries but really struggle how to word that. I definitely find the distancing works effectively, but what if you don’t have the luxury of time for that? At the moment my bf was taking about visiting me this weekend. He went to visit friends for new years & is still there & now putting off visiting me til next week. I feel messed around but I’ve never confronted a guy like that. Can I just say I feel messed around? I don’t think its the time for humour!

    #388324 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Willa.

    This is where women go WRONG so often! There are tentative plans and then there are “specific promises” when it comes to men and need to learn the difference between the two. Now if he said he WOULD come and see you and gave you a time-frame of his arrival, then that’s a specific promise. In such an event it should be discussed in a calm and cool manner such as “I need to be able to trust what you say and when you said you WOULD (with emphasis) come and see me for NY then I fully expected you to do so, and need to know why you changed your mind?” Need to ASK “why” so you learn what his words mean and work on how the two of you can communicate this better so there isn’t a ‘loss in translation’ moving forward.

    The fact he was only ‘talking about it’ (per your words) and didn’t set a specific time frame on when he would in fact arrive, in HIS MIND he hadn’t really fully committed or (promised) to see you, so like many men do, will ACT if something else comes up, like a call from a good buddy and just ‘do it’. Some DO KNOW they’ll get some blow back from their GF when they pull this stuff and will suffer the emotional consequence if they absolutely believe it was WORTH IT. Its OK if they do it every once in awhile because men need to flex their autonomy and maintain some freedom or your relationship will be doomed if you keep too tight leash on him.

    I know the stark difference when mine makes tentative plans and a specific promise. When he says “we should do something this week but doesn’t give a specific day and time he’ll call and pick me up”, then I go ahead an make other plans and don’t rely on his words. But when he says “lets go out Friday, I’ll call after I get off work and tell you what time I’ll pick you up” its A DATE (specific promise) because 99% of the time when he states it this way it happens. Need to learn the difference between tentative and a specific promise so you don’t drive yourself nuts over how a man’s words are spoken :-P

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