Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He's not technically ghosting, but maybe doing a very slow fade?
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Andrea.
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Katie
He’s 43, I’m 45 (female). We dated exclusively over the summer for 3 months (exactly 3 months: June 1 to Sep 1). He’s a divorced father of a single daughter (50/50), so we only saw each other every other weekend. It was totally fine and totally do-able with our schedules. We always had a good time, and though we were taking it very slowly, we were getting to know each other bit by bit. We had sex on 3rd date, and then always had it thereafter (at the end of every date). I had been initiating the texting toward the latter 1.5 months, but he was still asking me out every time I texted him (which was only once per week). I decided to leave the ball in his court and see if he would text me first. That was Sep 1. He didn’t contact me for ONE MONTH. I was pretty sure he was ghosting me, but since I hadn’t reached out, I guess it’s not actually considered ghosting. So then I eventually gave in and texted him on Oct. 1. He responded immediately, “hey, long time no talk. how are you?” Our conversation was mainly about his daughter, and how he had her almost every weekend in September. My gut is telling me that this might be his way of letting me down easy and that’s why he hasn’t called (because he didn’t have any free weekends; and he ONLY texts me to set up dates). But to not even reach out for a whole month? What is with him? And I realize part of ghosting is that the other party doesn’t respond to your attempts to reach out, but he did respond. But he hasn’t asked me out again either. Is he just keeping his options open?
Dangerouse
I wouldn’t classify it as keeping his options open. I would call it a serious lack of interest. Not contacting you for a month is a very clear signal.
Liz Lemon
I agree that he’s showing incredibly low interest. You’re “dating” but it sounds to me more like he hangs out with you once in awhile to have sex. And waiting for you to initiate all the texts, and only texting once a week? Sounds very, very low interest.
Is there a reason you couldn’t see each other during the week this summer? My boyfriend also has his child every other weekend. When we were first dating, before he introduced me to his child & we starting doing things together, he made a point of taking me out a couple of times during the week on weeks where he knew he’d be busy with his kid over the weekend.
Is there a reason why you and this guy couldn’t get together during the week? Especially if he had his daughter every weekend in September, he should have made an effort to at least meet you for dinner or drinks during the week. Not every date has to end in sex, if you’re genuinely interested in the person.
Overall though I have to agree that unfortunately this guy sounds like he’s not that into you. Not enough to make any effort. He’s not technically “ghosting” but he’s not interested in pursuing anything serious with you either. He’ll meet you for sex if you initiate but I assume you want more than that.
anon
That said, communication is a two way street.
So I try and follow the advice here and a couple of men found it off-putting that I rarely initiated texting or asked them to do something and thought I was aloof and disinterested. Waiting a month to reach out to someone does signal low interest on behalf of BOTH of you. Especially because you started a pattern of initiating texting, which he interpreted as you being interested in a date. Probably when you stopped texting he assumed you were no longer interested.
You are both adults. Just ask him if he wants to keep dating if you want to keep dating.
Sensy
I’m sorry you’re going through this it is clear that he’s not interested.
Shoshannah
I agree with anon. I like (and use in practice) the whole ‘let the man lead’ idea, but it is partially game playing. And I also had men telling me that I must have been uninterested or that I apparently don’t like texting, while all I was doing was letting them lead. You are adults, why not just talk? It might be a low interest, but it also might be that you set a pattern of you initiating and he’s been very busy and you’ve been taking it slow…
Mercy
My thoughts:
You honestly have no idea why he didn’t contact you for one month. His life could have been crazy busy, had preoccupying drama, or he could have been trying to gauge your interest! He may have even thought he did something to weird you out during sex. You honestly have no idea.
Yes, maybe he’s not interested. That’s a possibility. But what you know for certain is that you are of high worth and as a result, only match the level of investment that he gives you. If he doesn’t want to give time or effort into his texts, only match or “one up” the investment he gives you. High energy, but matching his investment.
You got this!
anon
” But what you know for certain is that you are of high worth and as a result, only match the level of investment that he gives you. ”
I think asking a woman out every time she texts is a pretty high level of investment. I’d trade this guy in a heartbeat for the ones that overwhelm me with texts yet never ask me out. A lot of people hate texting.
My whole theory on dating has been turned around when a great guy told me I seemed disinterested so he ended things. I followed all the rules counter to how I met my first boyfriend and how sister in law got my brother and coworker got her boyfriend; all of those cases were proactive, vs sitting back and being reactive.
I do think there are alpha males who want to be the pursuer, but there are a lot more passive men out there than you think.
That said, the early 40 something men with kids are about the laziest men you will meet, especially if they are somewhat attractive.
Liz Lemon
I think anon is right in that there is a thin line between letting a man take the lead, versus appearing disinterested. In my opinion it’s fine to text a guy you’ve been dating if you haven’t heard from him in a little while and want to know how he’s doing (especially if you’ve been dating several months!). Or, suggest getting together if you genuinely want to see him. No need to play games or wait around. There has to be balance, though. Ideally he will likewise text you if he hasn’t heard from you. Any time one person is initiating all of, or the vast majority of the communication, there’s a problem.
Dating is a like a dance, both partners need to contribute equally, otherwise it just doesn’t work. One dance partner doing all or most of the work leads to a terrible dance.
And yeah, asking a woman out every time she texts shows some level of investment. But I would prefer a guy to have a least some enthusiasm about seeing me, and initiate communication once in awhile. I wouldn’t really want to date a guy who only texted me when I initiated and texted him first. It would just be a drag. And from what the OP said, this was a pattern in the last half of their relationship.
Liz Lemon
Oh, and to the OP– I also agree with anon and shoshannah that if you went an entire month without trying to contact this guy, it also shows a relatively low interest on your part, I’m sorry to say. It goes both ways. At this point after several months you should really be talking about what each others intentions are and what you want. Does he just want to date very sporadically and casually, and are you OK with that? Or do you want something more established and serious?
Sensy
I agree that communication goes both ways but not until you are in an official relationship.
Raven
You gave in & text him after a month & he immediately responded… That says it all-
Sounds like booty-call…
Andrea
If this man had true interest in you, there is no way in the world he’d let a whole month go by without reaching out! He wouldn’t risk another man snatching you up. He would also be concerned that something may have happened to you.
He was there for the easy sex, and likely seeing other women.
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