Heard ex situationship is engaged and triggered. Turn 39 and feel hopeless

Hey all, I hope you can offer some tips. I’m about to be 39 and couldn’t be feeling more bleak about the future. I’m a doctor and work is tough in the U.K. due to Covid. We are in a lockdown. I left an 18 month abusive marriage 5 years ago and the divorce was traumatic, no kids. One of the main reasons I left was I couldn’t see how I could bring kids into that marriage as my ex was scary yet I longed for a family. I wanted to be brave and hopeful I could meet someone else and still have a family. The divorce was dragged out by an ex. I met someone via dating apps and had a 10 month relationship. For the most part he was kind and loving but never felt very physically attracted. We were intimate but no sex. I’m British Indian and had only ever slept with my ex husband and he respected my decision to wait. I hoped I’d fall for him but never happened for various reasons. Not just for not being over my ex. Even now, wouldn’t want to connect, just not a fit. I took time out of dating after that as realise I needed to heal my marriage and issues. Felt I was over my ex husband and ready to date from 2018 and since then have found myself only in situationships. I met one guy in summer 2019 who I really fell for – a British Asian guy who was 5 years younger when he was in the UK though he lived in Asia. we did long distance for a few months and he said as soon as he was in a serious relationship, he would move back. I was hesitant to date him as he was younger and hadn’t finalised his divorce and separated for 2 years but he pursued me. In the end at 4 months – he pulled away when it came to decide whether to give us a go so I ended it. I was shattered as first time I had fallen for anyone. I felt really foolish for even allowing it to get so far but I hadn’t clicked with anyone since my ex husband. He seemed genuine and said what we had was real but he felt unhappy with work and his divorce and maybe in the future it could be different. I took it he just wasn’t into me. Stupidly contacted him a couple of times after to check in and he always replied quickly and was friendly but never initiated. Since him, haven’t clicked with anyone. Had a few other situationships though, where invariable things don’t progress past 2-3 months as about then guys expect sex and they haven’t felt safe for me to progress emotionally or sexually as they don’t suggest exclusivity. I’ve met over 100 guys via apps, matchmakers and intros. I’ve been to therapy. Read a lot on relationships, try to put into action, lean back, let him lead. Although I get mistaken for being much younger than I am, the reality is I’m not. I stupidly looked up the long distance guy and shocked to see 18 months on, he is divorced in a new job and engaged. Felt like a sucker punch I didn’t expect. Feel weirdly cut up about, why he didn’t get back in touch, he really meant so much more to me than I ever did to him. Seems his fiancé is a young woman, his age. Generally finding life hard and as though I’ll not be deemed long term material for men due to my age and fertility. I’ve never been short on being asked on dates but either due to pandemic and dating being tough / my age, definitely less. I’m feeling really rock bottom and working in healthcare is so tough in a way I couldn’t imagine. Going home alone after a long shift and swiping on apps to empty conversations is soul destroying. I feel I have to push myself as time was never on my side due to my deep longing to have a family. I’ve always valued being a great partner and mother over career and feel like I’m living my worst case scenario in my personal life. Dread turning 40 and still feeling this way and being alone with nothing but bad memories of rejection. I’ve started withdrawing from people as painful when Everyone asks what’s happening in my personal life and have nothing to say. All my friends are married with kids. I can’t seem to move forward though I’ve tried.

I try to workout to boost my mood, rarely drink, listen to podcasts to lift me and give hope, try to remain open to talking to men who aren’t my type…I would really appreciate any advice