This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Newbie 4 weeks, 1 day ago.
February 26, 2020 at 9:31 pm #786292
We’ve been together for 5 months. He never told me that he loves me, but he used to say a lot that he likes me, misses me, that I’m cute, adorable, sexy and all kind of sweet words. And something has changed 2 months ago, he no longer says that. He still tells me that I’m sexy from times to times but that’s it. I was the one initiating sex most of the time, and he was always enthusiastic to have sex with me. Now that I start to feel insecure, I initiate way less and he doesn’t really make a move to make this happen often, except when he notices it’s bothering me. But sometimes it feels like a duty on his list : the last time I’ve tried to initiate, he kept doing what he has planned to do (nothing that couldn’t wait for a bit), and then kept following with his scheduled tasks until he was done a few hours later and had time for me. The excitation was all gone. He also used to show a lot of affection, like cuddling in the bed in the morning, and now he gets up most of the time without even kissing me.
He told me a while ago that he believes more in actions than words. And this is where I’m confused : he is still acting like the sweet, kind, attentive man he is. He listens to me, offers his help whenever he feels I need it, he is attentive enough to notice if I’m sad or frustrated and gently asks me if I’m ok and what’s going on, he makes space for me in his life, keeps making short and long term plans with me… And on the other hand, when I tell him that I like him or miss him, he now just smiles to me and hugs me. I’ve told him that I’ve noticed a change in his behavior, and he didn’t have much to say except that he is sorry, and he hugged me. Told me later that he likes me.
He tends to be a very passive person in the relationship, so I’m wondering what’s going on there, if he is losing interest and attraction but feels comfortable with me and rather stay with me than being alone again?
What should I do? I do have strong feelings for him.
ThanksFebruary 26, 2020 at 9:56 pm #786294
Hi Lia-I think he is enjoying being with you,but not falling in love. Most guys will fall in love and express their feelings at the 3 or 4 month mark. If he is no doing that,and seems to be pulling back,then I am guessing he does not see you as a longer term match.
I would stop initiating anything and be less eager and available to him.
Then you will see if he “picks up the pace” or peters out. If he continues to see you but it still feels off,I would give it a few weeks and ask how he feels about your relationship. If you want a serious relationship and he does not see that happening,then I would break it off.
I was in a similar situation and I called it off because we were not on “the same page”.February 26, 2020 at 10:03 pm #786295
Thanks Peggy for your advice. I think you’re right, he doesn’t seem to be falling in love… I asked him a few weeks ago what he wants of this relationship, and he said he likes me a lot and he sees this going long-term. But nothing changed after that.
The idea of breaking up with him is really painful.February 26, 2020 at 10:59 pm #786299
Lia i think that he he is just losing the excitement in your relationship, and this isn’t your fault you just need to have a straight up conversation with him about what you both want or maybe need in your relationship.
I wish you the best of luck
-carolineFebruary 26, 2020 at 11:07 pm #786302
You Lia, take a Giant step (or 2) back…
This will be difficult. His response will tell you what you need to know.February 26, 2020 at 11:21 pm #786303
Raven, when you say a giant step back, what do you mean exactly ? Should I stop initiating, telling him I like him, being affectionate… that kind of things ? I don’t want to play games, I’m not too sure about how to do this.
Caroline, thanks for your wishes. We had more or less this discussion and it turned out that he likes me a lot and wants something serious with me on the long term. He doesn’t have much experience with relationship also, maybe that’s why he is not putting into much effort now, or not breaking up when he should if he feels like it.February 27, 2020 at 6:36 am #786311
You seem a very nice girl and my heart is bleeding for you.
I am sorry that you are in a relationship which is not fulfilling.If you are not getting 50% back from your emotional investment, then let it go. Break up now and get yourself an opportunity for better. Everyone of us deserves to be loved back in a relationship. If not, withdraw your love and move on
All the very best
MaryFebruary 27, 2020 at 5:50 pm #786341
My thoughts are this: You’ve been together 5 months. Things were hot and heavy the first 3 months. For the past 2 months things have been cooling down … this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s very normal.
He might just be getting comfortable with you. Not everything can operate at level 10 all the time. Sometimes they get comfortable. He’s right about actions — and if his actions are giving you what you need, then why make up stuff to be worried about?
However if you are worried you could 1) talk to him or 2) pull back on the time you spend with him and interacting with him — specifically that means seeing him less times per a week, start picking up hobbies with meetups and going out with friends again and doing things that used to make YOU happy when you are on your own. **Get your spark back… ** if he’s intrigued (more importantly if you are still interested after you get your own spark back), then maybe continue with him. But stop waiting around for him to make you feel better.
My point is, getting clingy and needy and naggy isn’t going to help him get closer to you. Remember when you were happy? What were the things you were doing to make you happy (that didn’t have to do with a man).? Do more of that again. Get back to your own happy. Guys don’t like women who are all focused on them … it’s too much pressure. Just back off a bit (in the ways I suggested) and things between you two might achieve a better balance. :)February 27, 2020 at 10:13 pm #786353
T from NY
Can’t you see here where his actions are SAYING he loves you? He is emotionally available to you when you’re sad, he makes room for you in his life, he tells you he sees y’all together long term. These are all EXCELLENT things. Please don’t leave a man over lack of communication.
Sit him down. Tell him allll the things you appreciate about him. Make him feel like a man. Then ask him – I was wondering why we haven’t said I love you yet? Because your actions clearly show me how much I mean to you, and how dedicated to our relationship you are. Do you see those three little words being said at some point?
One of my ex boyfriends told me — he didn’t feel like saying those words in the beginning because he said it felt like saying they meant — will you marry me? When I expressed I felt it could be more than that and I wasn’t expecting a proposal right away — he started telling me he loved me all the time!
Just talk with him. Communicate. Great relationships have good communication. Best of luck.February 27, 2020 at 10:29 pm #786354
5 months is not that long. At all. Do you guys live together or something because it sounds like you spend a lot of time together considering the short amount of time you’ve been together. You are also overanalyzing way too much and need to take a giant step back. Remember you have a life too? Like before you met him. He might be feeling a bit smothered. Maybe give each other some space. It will make it more exciting. And people (esp men) hate the thought of losing their freedom. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Hang out with your fam, friends, work out. And it will be more fun for both of you :)February 28, 2020 at 3:58 pm #786372
My ex behaved the same way. I think he needs space. Don’t overthink it, just spend your time doing something else, see him once a week. I’m not a big fan of “I love you”, ppl just say it without actions to back it up. Is better you show love through your actions than words. Just take it easy n chill-GIVE HIM SPACE.February 28, 2020 at 4:24 pm #786373
I’m with the people who say pull back and give him space. Sometimes it takes missing someone a little bit to realise just how much they mean to you. Having someone at your beck and call can make you complacent. You can easily get bored with someone who’s always there and who validates you all the time. Take a step back and let him wonder a bit.February 28, 2020 at 10:07 pm #786377
I 100% agree with mama and T from NY. I’d like to add that your worries are normal – many, many women think that their man may be losing interest, while all he does is getting comfortable (which is good! you want your partner to be comfortable with you). Just relax. You don’t have to do anything. I think be patient, give it time, and he will be proclaiming his love soon. Keep in mind many men take their time before they say ‘i love you’, 5 months is not that long.February 29, 2020 at 1:03 pm #786389
Thank you all for your messages, it helped me a lot to see the situation more clearly.
You are right when you make me remember that I had a life too, before him. I put on hold some of my projects and travels because of my feelings for him, but this is a mistake.
I am going back to my initial plans and I feel excited to do so ! Even though I feel a bit guilty because that means I’m letting him down on one project I’ve offered my help for, but I think I need space too. To find myself again, it’s been way too intense in the beginning.
And to be honest, I’m tired of him blowing hot and cold, being affectionate and then rejecting me when he obviously knows it hurts me… I think that space will be good for both of us, to find out where we want this relationship to go (or end it).March 3, 2020 at 11:58 am #786536
Lia, you seem to have a clearer head now and realizing whatever the outcome never lose track of yourself. Good for you! If his behaviour is actually hot and cold, thats almost always a sign he is not all in. So i agree taking the space also for yourself is a great course for now.take care