He maybe didn't feel a spark, but accepts a third date, HELP? should i set it?


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  • #835549 Reply

    Mary

    Hi,
    I’m 30 and never had a boyfriend but I’m rather introvert and I think not talented at flirting. Plus with a heavy ‘family’ baggage (which I’m trying to lift off, I started therapy 2 weeks ago..) But despite this introduction I say I’m a good person and I believe in my qualities and strengths and deserving to find a good someone.

    After dating another guy who acted quite bad on me and lies and stuff.. I deleted tinder. Last week I tried another regional application where you basically see a profile, but don’t chat and safely directly go on a date with that person.
    I matched with a very cute guy, and we thus went on a date. Physically for me, total match, but other than that, I wasn’t sure after our hour walk that it would lead somewhere. I texted him later that I wasn’t sure, but accepted to meet him again to see. He said he could honestly only said he liked it enough to go on a second date.

    We decided to meet the next day (so fast, because he was rather booked after that, and I wouldn’t be able to meet before end of this week!) to go on a long hike together. We thus spent half a day together literally. I really liked it, but as miserable in flirting as I am, I didn’t do anything special than just talking and crossing his wonderful blue eyes. At two occasions I could have gone and done a hug, but I miserably kind of pushed him away (although I actually really wanted that to happen). Other than that, we had differences during the talk, but I felt terribly touched that he was open to me and shared that he had gone through a depression in his early 20s (he is 28) and took medicine etc, and all the work he did on himself. Although I didn’t dare to share dark details of my own story, it really connected to me in the sense that I have a mom with a mental illness and my life has always been about working on myself, and I really did felt a connection with his story (even when different).

    When we came back home in the car I said I liked the discussion and the date, and would like to meet again, he said this time he wasn’t sure to feel the spark.. but accepted a third date.

    Coming back home I got so confused and cried, I had to take time for myself to figure out a bit why I felt so strongly connected to him (besides his cute face) while the night before I could tell him I wasn’t sure this would lead to a relationship. I realised this may be thanks to his openess, and his way to be that he worked on himself and a dark part of his life. Openness I never saw in my previous dates who merely shared a weakness, and even lied about stuff that didn’t make any sense to lie about.

    I decided to text him what I had on the heart, just then, saying I needed some time to think, and explained a bit why I felt this connection and briefly relating it to my own life (without the dark details), thanking him for being so open, and saying that whether we meet again or not I really appreciated. And I liked the date.

    He replied that he would prefer to hear these things than read on text, but that it’s nice to hear, and that anyway he wants to meet again.

    Since then, he texted me the next day to ask how were my legs, he texted me again to wish me happy new year.

    And I texted friday night/saturday to know how he was doing (so my first really initiated texting) to which he replied with several questions, but stopped saturday afternoon.

    Since then nothing…..but I see he still connects regularly on whatsapp.

    What do you recommend? Should I text him again, or wait more? Should I initiate this third date? (knowing in Europe ideas of date at the moment besides walk outside or at home are not much)
    What would you say? Even if we do not have the final click, I think I saw I could feel more comfortable with him and I’m really keen on trying.
    But maybe not directly at home either, he lives with roomates and I do live in a tiny place on my own.

    What would you say is the best way to act presently? Wait in case he texts? (although it has been 2-3 days now) or initiate a second time? (refering for example to his music playlist that he had shared with me and i finally listened to a lot of it)

    #835550 Reply

    Lesley

    Mary, these things happen. I would say give him some time to process. Don’t chase after him. Check in on Thursday/Friday if he is still silent. If he resonates the connection, he will come around. You must have been a tender and kind person that a guy would confide in you only having met you twice, and you are considerate enough not to overflow him with negative energy. Having said that, guys do have the tendency taking their time to observe whether a date can blossomed into a relationship. Quite frankly I have not heard of any dating app connection leading to a full blown relationship in less than 4 dates. Take it slow and steady.

    #835554 Reply

    Mary

    Thanks for your answer.

    I want to note the first thing he asked me on that hike is why my mother hasn’t worked for long (I had mentioned it on the first night). I chose not to go in there, not to go that heavy directly into the beginning of the hike. But in the end I didn’t say it at all.
    I live in a country where culture is to be more direct (often) so maybe he expected I would reveal it. When I said kind of no, he meant it would be a long hike, so we’d have time. In the end I never said anything that deep, while later on he talked of his depression.

    We also connect on the fact we like to do stuff outdoors, hence the hike.

    Do you think he could have said “yes” to a third date just to be nice? I’m basically a foreigner in his country and I don’t know “many” people. And it’s even more difficult due to corona..
    or there could be some more interest that still motivate him to say yes.
    the second date he planned so quickly (but he wanted it for sure, and we directly agreed) while he hasn’t mentioned anything for a when for a third date.

    Let’s say I don’t know if I should try to push a bit or not, I don’t want to miss a chance with a nice guy, or a connection. Some girls do push and it works, with me I have never been successful, but at the same time I don’t have a good example to refer to and motivate me that it may work. So everytime I wonder what I should do.

    I can wait for thursday/friday, but what if he goes on another date with someone else? I would hope not, but again my bad experience speaks up for itself.

    #835557 Reply

    Mary

    And I mentioned it on the first night because he asked me about the work of my parents, I’m completely honest, so I answered that she hasn’t worked for long due to some health issue. Which is true, just not as negative as the reality of the actual facts.
    It could have been anything, not especially mental. The second day he wanted to hear more.

    #835562 Reply

    Ss

    I’m not sure why you are bothering with this. You both said there was no spark… it feels really forced from how you have written about things.

    The purpose of dating is to see if there is a connection to pursue. You didn’t feel one then he said he didn’t and then you’ve decided that you want to see him again. Why???

    I wouldn’t put too much stock in the fact he was open about his past mental health- some people are just open and some just have no boundaries these days.

    I would move on and go on other dates- I’m confident he is!

    #835567 Reply

    Mary

    The first night was just a short walk. I did feel a click by knowing him further. In this perspective I would like to try a third time.

    #835570 Reply

    Mary

    I will wait until thursday/friday like Lesley says and then try.
    One might change opinion about someone, I may have changed mine here, and that’s what my message here wants to demonstrate. I don’t really believe in a one-time connection, especially with me, so I’d rather give others more time and chances. And I hope to get them as well.

    #835582 Reply

    Newbie

    You are taking way too much stock on the first few dates. This guy said after date two he wasnt sure he felt a spark. You should have left it like that. Somehow you got him into date 3 after that and worse you started to text him about your family issues (which you posted about and i guess the advice to not bring them into dates didnt take). That fur sure kills any spark.
    You only have a few things to do on first dates: show up, engage, be fun and smile. Thats it. And then you see if he asks for date 2. Meanwhile you both are figuring out if you could match him. I understand you truly want to find a bf, but latching onto every guy that asks you out is not the way to go about it.
    I do like this app youre using though and the fact youre doing it. Just keep doing it but really lower the bar when it comes to first dates. And dont push things forward. Its ok to let a guy know youre interested but thats it

    #835587 Reply

    Elvira

    Hi Mary
    I agree with the others that you should wait and see if he connects with you. I also feel that your letting your anxiety take over the “fun” of dating and getting to know someone. The fact that your concerned about revealing personal information with someone you just met is a concern. You do not have to reveal any information that you feel isn’t the right time. For him to confess his recent depression is fine like someone else stated he felt comfortable with you to give that information. I think as women we feel like we “have to” do certain things instead of doing what we want/feel at the moment. Be yourself no need to try to be someone else just to please him. I also feel that you need to work on your self confidence and going to therapy is good. Explaining to him your reasons for not having a spark or feeling a certain way so soon in my opinion was unnecessary. Meeting someone twice does not necessarily confirm a relationship is on the horizon. You get to know them as a friend and then let things develop organically. As long as you know what you want and take his actions into account you will see where the relationship is going. I feel it was “too heavy” too soon. Enjoy the walks, the conversation, laugh and ask questions, talk about your self when you’re comfortable. No reason to make it so heavy/deep so soon. Your first dates are about getting to know him and enjoying the moment with no expectations.

    #835600 Reply

    Mary

    Sadly, I can’t really avoid the heavy as long as I’m being asked direct questions, but I chose not to say anything cause I thought would be too soon.
    However the way he talked later on showed me I may feel comfortable enough to share more things if ever I meet him again. That he may be more open and comprehensive that others. That’s just what I tried to say. And I kinda thanked him for that, with no details.

    Exactly what I do, I don’t want to bring heaviness in a date, unfortunately for me that’s easy. You just need to ask me basic questions about parents and I won’t be able to answer or say it’s heavy. While for all people I have met these are easy questions.

    I will wait like you say, and see. I would still hope he comes back to me, as he meant and said twice. Not because I forced him in any way.

    #835604 Reply

    Newbie

    You have got to sop thinking you are so burdened with ‘dark family stuff’. Really like i said before if you have good job, a good brain, nice job, decent income, nice house there is nothing dark about you. In fact you are super priveleged. If you had a mental disease or were broke or homeless it would be a different situation. So you are the one accountable for how you date. I have never even been on a few dates with the same guy where i got deep questions about my family besides what they do, are alive and how many brothers and sisters i have. My mom died as an alcoholic but i never saw that as my baggage but hers. Stop using family as an excuse.
    Its really you who has to learn how to date as a breeze instead of acting like you are a family member of the Adams family. Yeah if you were part of that familly or the daughter of Ted bundy or any other serial killer i would get the reserves

    #835605 Reply

    Mary

    Good news, he just texted me, not much, just asking how it is because we both started work again after holidays.
    But it feels good to hear from him again after 2-3 days at most.

    #835606 Reply

    Mary

    Newbie I know I’m not in the worst situation ever. I’m aware of that. However compared to the people who surround me in my work, and life there’s often a gap. Often I feel they are rich kids.

    I definitely prefer more simple people who are comprehensive, accepting and worked on themselves. And this guy was shining with that and it made me happy.

    #835612 Reply

    Newbie

    Its really pointless to compare tragic baggage. You probably dont know half of what your collegues are dealing with.
    You do seem to be embarrashed about coming from a, excuse me from using the words, white trash family. And Yes i do get that. But that shouldnt be of any concern when you are dating. Im old, so i remember a quote from docter Suzan in ER saying her dad was a proffesional couch tester. That always made me laugh because it gives an instant image and she doesnt feel bad about herself.
    But again, i think you are taking good steps in dating and seeing someone for the family stuff. Those are big steps and kudo’s to you for taking them

    #835615 Reply

    Mary

    thanks :)

    #835616 Reply

    Newbie

    There is just one last itsy bitsy thing i want to adress. This guy on your second date mentioned he battled with his mental health in his twenties. Why dont you consider that a red flag? You see the mental ilness of your mom as heavy bagage for you and this guys mental health issues as good that you can relate and opened up about it. If other peoples mental health has such big impact on you this should tell you to be wary of that.

    #835618 Reply

    Mary

    Hmm, no, actually not that much anymore… because I’ve been meeting people who lied about “having no problem and a regular life”. I definitely prefer authentic people, and also via talking with the psy we decided there’s one topic we want to address “shame”
    Since i’m a kid, the problem is more the shame (how are other people going to see this?). So I think for me meeting someone I feel very comfortable to understand maybe some feelings I’ve been through, is more important than meeting someone with a clear empty psychological history (but of course I also see a difference between a depression who was temporary for him and the illness of my mother, who she will always live with)…

    #835620 Reply

    Mary

    it’s more I do appreciate deeply the maturity he has gained, and maybe in part through this.. but of course now he is healthy..

    but right on time, I have an appointment today, so I may address this, if we get the time. so much to discuss..

    #835621 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah i understand shame. Its very connected to feeling youre a conartist and are about to be exposed. I have had issues with that on other areas. Well, let us know any follow ups if you want. Good luck

    #835624 Reply

    Mary

    Thanks. I will reply to him now and definitely try to choose the light-hearted way as much as I can. It’s very nice he does text me.

    #835663 Reply

    Mary

    Yes, another thing I’d like to ask, I’m very bad to pick up on signs. Like he is planning a huge holiday hiking trip this summer, as far as I know alone?, and he told me this got approved by his work.
    And then shortly after that, he asked if I have plans this summer. I just replied no, because I don’t think he is trying to say I could go with him, right? Despite location and activity is really what I like too, and I would say he knows.

    So basically I never know if he is trying to include me in things or not. But it was the same with other people. What can I say that makes me sound interested but doesn’t make me sound like I want to include myself and push it?

    Since we may meet again this weekend also…

    #835664 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Mary, you’re going to drive yourself right up the wall and off the ledge overthinking and analyzing every single thing he does and says. Pump the brakes a little there, relax. This is going to go the way it goes. No one’s perfect. You’re doing fine, working on your own stuff. Don’t be ashamed of your family, your past or anything else. There will always be someone who will judge you for things. Don’t take it to heart. You weren’t sure, he’s not sure. In a few more dates you’ll know. If he’s not right, then there will be another one. You know the saying about men, they’re like buses, one coming along every 15 minutes. ;)

    #835672 Reply

    Newbie

    Like angiebaby says you have to stop overthinking. You had two dates, which is a universal blip and 1000 possible hick ups this will end at some point for example because he wasnt sure about any sparks. It would be kind of insane if he was asking you for the summer holiday

    #835761 Reply

    Ss

    Look I’m the daughter of a complete womaniser who fathered a secret child and was physically abusive to my mumm. My mum is tried to kill herself twice, her boyfriends were all perverts I had to fight off. I’ve spent my childhood in and out of foster care and we even had to live in a homeless hostel. There’s more I could say but just those few things are pretty awful. But they aren’t my things. They are not what defines me. I am the only person in my family to have a degree, in fact I have two. I have a brilliant career as a social worker, great kids and own my own home. I did well to get where I am from what I came from and no one is going to tell me I should feel shame or not good enough. Do I tell myself that sometimes? Do I feel embarrassed when others speak of their great relationships with their parents when one or mine is dead and the other has never provided any level of parenting that taught me anything good? Yep at times I do. But I will be damned if I’ll let someone else tell me that too. I am a survivor not a victim. You are a survivor too Mary! You should be proud of your achievements. You are amazing.

    I’m a very honest person too and don’t lie, but if I don’t want to share my crap I just make a vague comment in response like “long story, its one needing to be shared over wine!” I laugh and change the subject. There are plenty of ways to divert nosy dates without lying.

    I’m glad he has text and you feel happy. Hopefully he’ll ask you on a date soon and YOU can continue vetting HIM. Dating is a two player game!

    Keep in touch and let us know how things go, but also work on that shame- its not yours to carry xx

    #835774 Reply

    Newbie

    thats so sweet ss and i so agree, even when you felt the need to say it twice.
    Lol something is off with your acount

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