He likes me but is scared/pushing away due to trauma

You may want to ask yourself a couple questions here to help you figure out what to do next.

First, if you’ve been where he is in the past, what pulled you out of it? Was it a partner, or was it because you made the decision to get help and worked at it until you could heal and be emotionally available and trusting enough for love again?

Second, especially if you are long-distance, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, romantic relationship or no contact. What if you give him space to get help and to show you he’s getting help, and take things slowly by staying in touch as friends until he’s in a better place to show up as a partner?

That taking things slow approach only works, however, if he is truly taking steps to help himself the whole time. Because very often, men can lean on women for support when they are down (possibly treating their girlfriends as unpaid therapists), which leads them to then lose respect for that woman who accepts less than she deserves by being with a guy who isn’t starting the relationship giving her his best. Men may do this rather than seeing the loyal woman as devoted and strong… so the men leave once they feel better, since they don’t like the reminder of the times they were in a bad place anyway. They want to feel like they are winning in life.

Him saying he doesn’t want to hurt you and why is actually him telling you who he is and what head space he’s currently in, so you should believe him.

The key is still, if you’re trying to move forward with him and investing in the relationship, he needs to also be seeking help on his own. If he’s struggling several years after his bad past relationships and has not moved on at all in that time, that’s generally a bad sign that he’s emotionally stuck, emotionally unavailable, and not ready for a mature relationship. So it isn’t about running away because he has depression and mental health issues, or even about how to tolerate his issues to give him unconditional support. It’s about figuring out if he’s ready to do his own heavy lifting to manage his issues so he heals enough to be able to show up as a stable and good romantic partner for you.

@Rosay, You said, “Now I know some people would run for the hills because they don’t want to be with someone who has depression and trauma but I don’t think that’s a reason to leave, especially if everything else is amazing and a healthy balance.”

Reading all of your post. What you have is a LONG way from a healthy balance. You’re only seeing what you want to see… sorry

@ Rosay, I will respond, how I see it… I didn’t post negative comments- I posted the truth.

Again, What you have is a LONG way from a healthy balance. You’re only seeing what you want to see… sorry

The situation being touchy enough that you worry about needing to walk on eggshells isn’t a great sign, which I think is what Raven was trying to get at.

But in terms of approach, since he’s already opened up to you that he’s concerned he’ll hurt you as he’s still dealing with his issues, I’d try asking him how he’s been dealing with being cheated on? What’s different now than a few years ago? Not in a judgemental or loaded way, or to make him defensive, and definitely not telling him what you think he should do (such as therapy)! Just in an open and curious way so you can get all the information you need to make your own decisions. As you said, you had to deal with this yourself at one point, so you should be able to get a better read on if you are on the same page and where he’s at in this process once you hear what he has to say. People are usually honest about this stuff if you ask (at least to the extent they’re able to be honest with themselves), though you also have to be willing to listen to the answers whether or not they’re what you want to hear.

@Kaya, lol thanks, though I’m definitely not. It is just a loooot of dating experience, making mistakes with all kinds of men with issues when I wanted commitment, and taking a long time to learn the lessons and sort things out on my own side without making excuses! But then getting there eventually and wanting to help so others don’t need to take as long to figure it out ;)

Rosay,
Raven has a way of writing with brevity — she tends to cut to the meat of the problem. I don’t think what she had to say was negative, it was truth as she sees it.

And Kaya, YES Maddie does give spot on advice, some of it is great for others just lurking and reading as well!

Onward everyone. :)

@Rosay 🙏🏼

You shouldn’t be “waiting” because 1. you don’t know how long it will take him to deal with his depression or if it will remotely be on your own life stage schedule 2. you don’t know if he is going to really address the underlying causes for it so he heals and matures into a better partner or if he’s just going to feel better after a while without fixing the issues, then same trust issues rinse and repeat until the next bout of withdrawing and depression 3. you don’t know if he will be successful or anything will actually change because some people do stay stuck 4. you don’t know that you’ll still like each other if he does change.

In my opinion, get over him enough that you can be just friends without holding out hope and wondering what if. Be friends IF you can do that without a further agenda. Might mean taking a bit of space for yourself before resuming a friendship. Holding out hope means you’re emotionally unavailable for any other potential romantic relationships, and you’ve closed yourself off for someone else’s potential instead of the reality in front of you, which is the unhealthy part. He sounds optimistic for now but can’t actually promise anything, which is why he’s telling you not to wait. If you can find a way to stay open to whatever comes your way, which might be him healthier later or might be a totally different guy, then that’s the most fair thing you can do for yourself.

I agree with angiebaby. Well maddie too. Its very simple as i see it. when a man says pls dont wait, you shouldnt. At this point in life, bec of his own personal issues he cant be with you. And hes fine with the idea that you might meet smoneone else, date them and get serious about them.

if a friend of yours comes to you and seeks your advice about this great guy she has met and likes but the man tells her he cant date her due to certain reasons and that she should not wait, what advice would you give her?

My suggestion is to back off from this guy not bec you dont care but bec you do and hes not available! Let him sort out his issues and reach out when he thinks hes ready to try out things with you.

If you continue to stay in touch as before, you will alwys stay in the hopeful zone which will prevent you from developing any sort of feelings or relatnship with other men. Stay in occasional touch if you want, like you wld with any casual friend, but you need to step away from regular contact.