This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by RJ 2 weeks, 3 days ago.
August 29, 2020 at 6:41 am #805598
I’ve been seeing this guy for just over 5 months. It has been going really well and he has said to me that he really wants this to go somewhere and I feel the same. Due to lockdown, and places not being open, he has always come round mine and we just hang out, enjoy spending time together, and the relationship has extended to sex, and that has also been really good. Due to being self employed he was struggling to find work during lockdown, and he is a very sociable person so struggled not seeing his friends. He has obviously been a lot busier since lockdown has relaxed being able to get work and catching up with friends, so I have seen him less. I text him asking when I was seeing him next about 3 weeks ago, and he asked me to send him my rotas so he could see when he could make something work. 3 days later he still hadnt let me know a day so I text him again just asking again when i would be seeing him. He replied saying he wasnt sure as he was really busy all weekend with work and it was his best friends birthday so he was seeing him. I then text him later that night saying that I did really like him and enjoy spending time with him but didnt feel there was any urgency to see me, and that if this was to work/progress i felt we needed to find a balance that would work for both of us post lockdown, and asked how he was feeling about it. I got a very angry response back about how i was accusing him of not making effort and how he always had to come to me and i had made no effort to meet him half way. He also asked me to think about whether i thought he was right for me. I replied saying I didnt realise the jouney to mine bothered him and i was more than happy to meet him half way. His response was that it was funny how it took this for me to start making an effort. Anyway, it has been nearly 2 weeks since I sent that message and I have been pretty much ignored ever since, other than a couple of angry responses to messages where I have just asked if he could let me know if he just wants some space, or if he just doesnt want to see me again. He hasnt ended it, but I have no idea where his head is at and cant seem to get to a point where he will just speak to me honestly about what is going on. I am happy to give him space but he hasnt said thats what he wants, and if we are done i would prefer to just know. He has never spoken to me angrily before, so it seems a very bizarre reaction for him. I know he is quite sensitive so could he just be distancing himself to clear his head? It seemed like a very quick change of heart and he isnt a ‘player’.August 29, 2020 at 8:43 am #805610
I don’t understand why people need to hash stuff out via text? It’s the worst way to have a discussion with someone and why its the TOP TWO reasons (trying to sex a man into a relationship is the other) so many relationships fail today because human’s are incapable of having proper communication, when in each other’s presence (BEST), in order to know what type of mood they are in before bring something heavy up. People can be very busy, tired, or having a bad hair day and when you harangue them about something they aren’t wanting to discuss because its not a good time for them, especially when they state it as he gave you valid reasons as to why he couldn’t see you right away but you refused to listen as you were more concerned about “you” and “your needs” than you were about his.
Just know RESPECT is very high on a man’s list of needs and when a man feels “disrespected” by his lady, its a sure fire way to end a relationship, especially one that hasn’t fully developed yet.
This is why these sort of things should always be discussed when you have BOTH the non-verbal (body language) and verbal (tone, inflection) so you can know what type of mood someone’s in when you bring a topic up. In this case, a phone call, at a MINIMUM would have provided you with those cues and pretty much told you it wasn’t a good time as he wasn’t in a good head or mind space to do so when his plate was full with other things, which is OK, as people need to have other people and things, outside of relationship, to achieve one’s overall happiness factor.
If a guy (or gal pal) is too busy, then you get busy too! You should be perfectly fine going a few days without hearing from or seeing your beau because you have friends, work and other things to do that collectively makes you happy too, not just spending time with him. I know it may appear to be counter-intuitive to do the OPPOSITE of what you said but based on the ‘laws of physics’ it will in many cases work in your favor. The OPPOSITE thing to in these situations is to pull back (not push) by making yourself less available, as two things may have happened: 1) It makes you less reliant on him to entertain you because you’re fully capable of entertaining yourself (freedom and autonomy are necessary elements in a secure relationship); and most importantly 2) Gives him some room/time to MISS YOU so he can fully *feel* what his life without you in it would be like.
Believe it or not but men fall in love in a woman’s ABSENCE. It’s when they aren’t around you is when they are able to really know if it’s a case of infatuation (surface feelings) or true love (deeper feelings). FYI, true love is is much CALMER than infatuation because you feel safe and secure in the relationship to the point its stable enough for the parties to get back to doing other things, such as devoting more time to work, hanging with friends, engaging in hobbies etc. without the other having a freak out, like you did here.
Lockdown has been very hard on people in general. He was getting his mojo back through work and re-connecting with friends and instead of allowing him the freedom (autonomy) to do this, you essentially told him he’s not allowed to work so much (which is HIGH on a man’s list of needs too btw) or hang out with his friends. That’s what HE HEARD and why it went south really quick! I’ve been in these situations enough times to know that when a man pulls back, you pull back too, whereas in most cases (not all) they can’t get you off their mind, as hard as they try and end up stepping back in and picking right back up as if no time had passed.
By advice to you is to back off. Give him some space, get busy with other things so you’re not constantly thinking about him. He will either push forward because he really *misses you* or he won’t. Just know, that no amount of pestering, bugging or nagging a man into doing something is going to get him there but giving a man some space will tell you how strong his feelings/love for you is or isn’t.August 29, 2020 at 9:11 am #805614
I second EVERYTHING Lane said.August 29, 2020 at 12:56 pm #805643
This sounds really over and he clearly isnt adult enough to just say that but choses ghosting hoping you will stop texting him. I have a feeling you were a lockdown placeholder gf and once he could go out with friends again etc it was over. He must have realized at some point he wasnt feeling it for you long term. Which happens a lot. You have to trust that its really over so you dont contact him again. No guy in love with a girl would act like he is acting. Delete his number and move onAugust 29, 2020 at 2:27 pm #805657
Um, this is sooooo over and he hasn’t got the b*llocks to tell you! He is probably wondering why you are still texting him when he is being pretty clear from his angry messages that he isn’t interested. You also need to remember that no response IS a response…. its a big fat No.
Don’t blame yourself for this. Sure you could have been less pushy but it sounds like now real life is back on he has lost interest.August 29, 2020 at 3:22 pm #805660
This is over dear. Please move on, learn lessons posted by others earlier in this post! He’s a goner!August 29, 2020 at 11:10 pm #805704
T from NY
I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s awful when you feel you have a routine and a relationship with someone and then they flip with switch and started acting differently. Also. It was awful that he asked your schedule then never followed up with a plan without telling you why. I HATE that so many men don’t use their WORDS and just be up front already. But it’s because most men SHOW rather than tell. This guy was showing you his lack of investment by not making sure he sees you. Then showing you he didn’t mind if your association ended when he didn’t make sure to make plans to see you. I’m sorry – that sucks. Next time that happens I would ask a guy once, be patient – then if he doesn’t step up – STOP making them a priority when they are making you an option.
Grieve this. Tend to you. And go forward. We’ve all been there.August 30, 2020 at 2:11 am #805721
I wholeheartedly agree with Newbie. Also, I don’t see much wrong with your texts. Doesn’t seem like they caused anything other than reveal. I’ve had roughly similar texts from a gf and also from a girl I didn’t want to pursue beyond friendship. Big differences in my responses
Based on the details so far his “halfway” argument seems like a cowardly excuse. On top of that you’re making excuses for his ghosting. You don’t have to be a player to lose interest. There’s several things that stick out in your post, making me doubt how much genuine interest he even had in the first placeSeptember 4, 2020 at 11:16 pm #810232
I was in almost this exact situation earlier this year. In my experience, if you bring up an issue in your relationship (in a way that is respectful and without accusation) and they are quick to respond with anger… it isnt going to work out! They either don’t value the same things you do or are poor at communication. Either way, they don’t value you or the relationship enough to take a step back and respond in a way that will work toward solving the problem, instead of creating a bigger problem. Also it is very immature to not be up front with you about wanting to end it. There are better guys out there who don’t have underdeveloped communication skills and who will work WITH YOU vs the problem instead of you vs them.