He hasn’t contacted me after we finally had sex for the first time

No, I think he is into you but feels embarrassed. What did you do while it was happening that would let him possibly think it wasn’t good sex? How awkward intimate moments are handled is relevant in this situation. Men have huge egos when it comes to sex- this is so important to a man if not the most important thing. You should definitely let him have the time, he will reach out and then go from there to have an open, in-person conversation. It may be the ending, but it might be a conversation that leads to more openness in your sex/intimate life.

reach out to him then, something light will do, see if he replies and what he says if his answer is going to be short and sweet then he is not your man, but maybe like others suggested he is embarrassed

Men are very sensitive when it comes to their pride and egos,especially about sex. I think his pride is hurt and he feels like he failed you, if the moments were laced with awkwardness and Oops moments.

I think it would be best if you don’t text him and allow him to recover on his own, in his own space. Reaching out would just make him feel worse. Let him get it out of his system and ‘save face’ on his own without assistance.

Yeah some ‘confident’ men really have no idea what they are doing in bed unfortunately and can be underwhelming when all they do is just get it in and awkwardly thrust before coming in under a few minutes and you’re just left like wtf

When a man’s pride is hurt the worst thing you can do is to see him in that state or try to reach out or smooth over the situation. Let him ride it out and save face like a man.

Look at it this way,injured animals get aggressive when you try to come close to them until they are sure you are trustworthy and you do this by your actions (usually just waiting from a safe distance) and your restraint not to go in guns blazing in the situation. Let the man find himself.

Guys can even ghost you when something happens to injure their pride in front of you. Seeking them out is not the way.

Now, Maddie Idk if you still want to stick with this guy despite the bad sex, are you hoping he’ll improve on his own or you’ll teach him some moves or you’ll just endure it. Do these options look okay to you?

@Lane

I get you, however, usually people who retreat because of an anxious moments need to feel safe first before engaging,that’s something they have to figure out themselves. You trying to Florence Nightingale it will just trigger them even more.

But Yeah maybe after a while, a “Hey Sam ,just checking on you. Hope everything’s okay on your end” text is okay.

The “why haven’t you contacted me”, “why so quiet”, “long time no see”, ‘where you been’ texts are a no no. I don’t know how many men I’ve heard on relationships advice telling women to stop texting stuff like that to men, one of them being Ryan Patrick and Chazz Ellis who have videos on that particular subject of texting. They have some great advice, no game playing gimmicks and Chazz is particularly funny.

It helps to get perspective from another man sometimes, as women we tend to attack too sentiment.

Hi everyone! Thanks so much for all your help, advice, insight, and support. I’m new to posting here, so I accidentally posted this twice. I’m copying and pasting one of my responses from that thread so you can all see where I’m at. Then I’ll post here again with some direct responses to each of you. But here is what I said to this fabulous poster this morning. She responded in such a great way when she first read my situation. 🥰

@angiebaby

How old am I? Well, definitely too old to not be treated with the kindness and respect I deserve, lol. By the way, I’m in my 40’s. It’s not that I really accept bad sex. It’s more that I was willing to accept it as a bad first time encounter, not that I would want it or allow it to go on and on. Sometimes the first time could be a miss, especially if both people were in long term marriages before, which we both were. I don’t feel like I am inhibited sexually, but I do think that many men, if they were married for 15 years, can easily just do what the ex wife liked and not really remember to respond to how the new woman right there in front of them is acting and giving cues and signals about what’s working and what isn’t. Regardless, my feelings have changed based on his emotional withdrawal in the days to follow. I did finally hear from him this morning, which was 4 days post first time sex. He sent one or two word texts. I responded likewise. I’m really disappointed, but I’m over it as far as he is concerned. I want to get remarried in the next few years and my kids want that for me too. My kids obviously don’t know about the sex part, but they do know he didn’t text me a single word on Mother’s Day. That was enough for them to say he’s not the one, especially because they knew I had treated him for his birthday early on in the “relationship”. I’m still disappointed of course. I really thought he could be my person since we matched up in so, so many ways. But who calls himself a traditional gentleman and then doesn’t speak to the woman who just became intimate with him for 4 days, leaving her to then doubt herself and doubt all that he told her. Bad sex one time doesn’t give someone permission to have bad communication behavior for several days. I have feelings too. So, I’m moving on. Lesson learned. I hope my true person is around the corner somewhere. Thanks for all your support!

@anon
@ewa
@erin
@lane

Thanks so much for all your comments! Your feedback and support is wonderful and fills my heart. I really appreciate the help!

To answer some questions, I’m in my 40’s and he is in his 50’s. We’ve both been in long term marriages and have kids, although his are grown now.

I definitely think the sex was bad for him too. For certain! I tried everything I could think of to make him feel supported, manly, attractive…etc….but, I don’t know. Things ended well that night with him acting normal. So I was surprised at the “curt and short” text the next day, followed by nothing for 4 days after I responded to his brief text. I have no doubt that he was embarrassed and disappointed, which is why I was planning to not focus on it, let it slide, and keep moving forward. It was his lack of communication and especially not a single word or short text on Mother’s Day, despite all our previous conversations and him knowing how we both feel about those types of holidays as single parents…etc…that really made me upset. It hurt my feelings.

As for the “bad sex”, I do think he may have some issues there. I don’t think either one of us is unclear that the issue was his. And I genuinely understand that not everything can be perfect or great all the time. That’s the thing. I spent so much r energy on his feelings over it, that for him to go from 24/7 lengthy loving texts to nothing for four days, really bothered me. I mean, I have feelings too right? I think he has sexual issues from the marriage, had way too much alcohol that night, and also felt awkward about his body (he is trying to lose weight, but had the older man belly and balding head). He was not able to successfully be inside me, fumbled around a lot, and after close to an hour of awkward attempted intercourse (not foreplay mind you, but you know), I finally suggested we take a break and cuddle. My reason was that after close to an hour, I was getting sore from him being in me, but never achieving orgasm. I can promise you I did lots to try and help. I’m not sexually inhibited or embarrassed and I completely respect and understand that a man wants to feel like a man. I’m more traditional that way so I want him to feel like a man too. I truly don’t think I could have done anything different other than not gone along with the impromptu sex at all. I was planning to wait until next month when we went away River get for the weekend. I wish I had stopped his advances and waited because maybe being together for the whole weekend, we would have naturally, organically discussed what occurred, instead of his bright idea of not communicating for several days.

@liz lemon

Thank you for your feedback! I really appreciate your insight.

So, at this point, I have heard from him as of this morning. Just one and two word texts. Very distant and definitely a huge change from his texting style. It’s a bit heartbreaking for me because I was hopeful about him before and now I realize he is probably not the one. Hopefully you can scroll up and read some of my other responses. I obviously did not bring anything up to him, but just appropriately responded to his texts because I want to give him the space he may need, not embarrass him or me or make an awkward situation even worse, allow him to take the lead, and allow him to fade away if that’s what he chooses. I’ve responded to him so he knows I’m here and still care…etc. I’m not sure I should bring up the elephant in the room so I’ve just responded nicely and appropriately, nothing more, nothing less, and am letting sleeping dogs lay so to speak.

I guess the problem for me has evolved. I don’t care about the bad sex. I always planned to let that go and figured we will try again when the time is right and it’s not that uncommon for two people who were married to others for a long time, to need to find their groove with each other. I wouldn’t lose interest or break it off with someone over first time bad sex. Life is bigger than that and good sex can be developed over a few times. The problem is that my feelings have now changed based on how he has withdrawn from me post sex. I think I want a man who considers my feelings too and thinks to himself that I deserve to feel secure in my decision to go along with his advances, rather than leave me hanging for several days. I know he is probably embarrassed. I don’t doubt that. But I feel hurt that it seems like he is not considering that maybe I have feelings about what happened too. I wish he had said how wonderful it was to have the chance to be intimate with me and to take things to the next level….or that he thought I looked beautiful undressed…or that he loved kissing me. He didn’t have to lie when we both know the sex was very awkward and he couldn’t seem to finish….but surely he could find some compliment in there to text me the next day, given all we talked about before and how open and honest we have both been from the beginning. I worked so hard to make sure he didn’t feel bad or unmasculine, but he didn’t really do that for me as a woman. I feel hurt that he let four days go by which caused me to feel embarrassed and insecure myself (when I originally hadn’t) and now has caused my feelings to change for him. I want someone who feels genuinely happy to be with me, even when something doesn’t go perfectly, because that’s how I treat him.

I get it, I’ve been where you are a few times but thankfully I had a good guy friend tell me how ‘IT’ worked lol. About a year after my divorce I was getting very horny so I decided to dip my toe in the dating pool, to see what was out there. It took me awhile before I met a guy I was ready to try it with…sex after the ex. The first time ended up a no go, and after a little texting banter, he disappeared. OK, no worries, as I really wasn’t looking for a relationship but someone to have some fun with. A few months later an old [good looking] friend I was stationed with in the Air Force contacted me, and the SAME THING happened! I was like what the heck! Let it go, and a few months later met the third, and it happened again!

I felt defeated, like what the heck is wrong with me! I remember walking into my co-workers office, as we had become really good friends, and told him “I break penis'” He laughed, asked what the problem was, I told him what happened, and then proceeded to tell me, its not you. It [a man’s penis] is like a light s w i t c h, where its either ON or OFF, and we really don’t have any control over it. It’s most likely they suffered from performance anxiety, where they had been wanting or thinking about it, for quite a bit, and when the time came they couldn’t perform. It happens to men, regardless of age, so don’t take it personally.

I had never experienced it with my ex husband of over 20+ years, however my current partner went through this last year. I was initially confused because he’s always been ‘Johnny on the spot’ (like my ex) so it was initially awkward when he couldn’t perform for the first time in over three years we’ve been together. What I did know, is that wasn’t ME (he specifically told me that), and it was affecting him far more than it was affecting me because he was the one going through it.

Knowing what I knew about how IT works, I didn’t force it, pressure him, or try to help him ‘get it up’ which I was told makes it worse btw. I chose to stop, and take the pressure off him by saying “babe, you’re in your 50’s now, so your hormones are going to decrease, and its time to admit your getting old.” He laughed, we talked about it, recognized it was either hormonal (producing less testosterone) or mental, and would give it some time to see if it correct itself naturally, or require additional help. Whatever it was, it passed, but he admits its getting harder for him to sustain it at the level he has been used to, for so long. I just remind him its one of the changes we older folks have to deal with as our bodies go down hill.

I learned its best to depressurize a situation, at the time its taking place v. allowing it to simmer, stew, or come to a boil. I know its a little late with this one, however, in the future its BEST to stop, and take the pressure off him, not add to it, when a man is experiencing something like this. Also, CALL HIM (not text) if you don’t hear from him the next day because he may be feeling too embarrassed, experiencing other negative thoughts that could be stopped if he felt reassured that you aren’t think badly of him.

Some men are just really bad at sex, and he could very well be one of them, which is why dating’s a crap shoot.