This topic contains 32 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by tammy 4 months, 3 weeks ago.
October 5, 2019 at 2:16 am #774900
It’s really embarrassing putting it in words. Every time I go on a date and guy doesn’t pay I lose the interest. It’s not like I can’t pay for myself as I work full time (i’m 30 years old) . I cringe when they ask for separate bill and most of the time I just end up paying for whole thing. I say “nah I have got it” in a straight face and pay but inside I’m really uncomfortable.
I’m going on dates with this new guy. It was our fourth date and he only pays for himself all the time.It’s just mostly coffee and breakfast so not expensive. I paid for both of us in second date and he thanked for coffee but didn’t do same in next date. I kinda like this guy except when he doesn’t pay and I’m hating myself for having this feeling. Do any of you feel same ? Is there any way I can tell him how I feel without scaring him off ?October 5, 2019 at 3:15 am #774902
Whilst some men go halves, no way should you pick up the bill to a guy you aren’t going to ever see again and who hasn’t got the grace to shout you a coffee? Let them sit there uncomfortable.
As for this guy- second date you shouted the bill and third date he went halves again? Yep that’s rude to me. All I can suggest is you don’t bother again, but pay your half till you get to know him better and work out just how tight his wallet is.October 5, 2019 at 4:30 am #774905
Too judgmental. Maybe he is short on money?October 5, 2019 at 6:58 am #774907
I believe it shows one’s character as to whether they are givers or takers. A man who doesn’t want to treat a lady shows one of two things: 1) They aren’t going to be good a provider, or 2) they are not trying to impress you.
If a man’s isn’t showing any care or concern here then his interest level isn’t showing a whole lot. My goodness, he can’t even spring for some coffee! I would not only never date a man like that but I would definitely never pay the tab either! You are trying to impress him but he ins’t doing anything to impress you.
OP, never pay a man’s tab again unless you are in a relationship, and the man has paid more on regular basis, as this is how a man makes an ‘investment’ by showing a lady he would make a good provider. If he’s not trying to impress you, don’t try to impress him by showing what a good provider you would make.October 5, 2019 at 8:14 am #774914
@shani- if he’s short on money, he shouldn’t be going on dates where money is required. (And if he can’t afford a cup of coffee, he should not be dating at all! He should be focusing on getting his finances together).
To the OP: I’m with you. And the fact that you paid on the 2nd date and he never reciprocated makes me cringe!
To me it says a lot about how much effort a guy is willing to put into you if he asks you out and then picks up the tab. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive, it’s the principle of the thing. Like Lane said, it feels good to know he’s trying to impress me.
However splitting the bill is understandable, especially early on (the first few dates). It wouldn’t necessarily turn me off to a guy if we otherwise had a good connection. But it definitely endears a guy to me much more if he pays.October 5, 2019 at 8:49 am #774915
Lol I completely agree. It’s a very awkward situation and I honestly would not go on a date with them again. I think atleast for the first few dates the guy should definitely pay. I’m sure he’s the one who invited you and it’s just a way of showing respect and interest. Yes his funds may be tight and if that’s the case then he shouldn’t be dating.
Think about it, wouldn’t you buy a friend coffee? I know I would just as a kind gesture..so why on earth would you go out with a guy who won’t even buy you a coffee. That’s just him being cheap. I’m not saying to make a scene but I would quietly stop dating him because in the future so you really want a guy who wants to go half. No you want someone who treats you and it’s embarrassing to be out with someone who asks for a separate bill. Truly he would never see me again. It’s not you being materialistic or selfish because clearly you would be willing to pay for dates when you invite him out. He’s cheap and you’re not compatible. Don’t date him let him go half with his bro’sOctober 5, 2019 at 3:50 pm #774933
Anon “I think atleast for the first few dates the guy should definitely pay”
I think I’ve paid for every first time I’ve been with a girl, date or non date. It’s just something ingrained and I genuinely like doing so. But there’s something about your statement that’s a turn off.October 5, 2019 at 3:55 pm #774934
Sorry OP, but even though I’m old fashioned myself I’m not going to bash on the guy you’re dating because he hasn’t done too much wrong. You on the other hand have a problem with splitting the bill, which I can understand. But then you also have a problem picking it up yourself, and it’s done insincerely too. This wasn’t a “I happily paid, but I was disappointed next date when he didn’t reciprocate.” Why pick up the bill when it was the lesser of two evils for you? The way I see it, apparently each guy you date is supposed to magically figure out he needs to pick up the entire bill on dates with you without you telling him beforehand? This in the midst of there being a noticeable amount of women out there who are not comfortable with a guy paying entirely for the first dates. I could easily say a guy not paying on a date is scummy but I try to keep one leg in the modern world we live in today.
Who knows maybe this is a reflection of how he is with money, reciprocating, or how much he’s into you. But truth is you don’t know his reasons yet. Tons of guys don’t even give something like this so much thought like women do, especially if he’s from a region where splitting the bill on dates is the norm and no one judges a man for doing so.October 5, 2019 at 5:04 pm #774939
Oh dear. I wish I was there to snatch that bill out of your hand. Lol. When a guy is first courting you. it is masculine energy to pick up his bill. This is my opinion of course and I believe a man should pay and every now and then you treat. I realize others may not agree but I failed that’s the reason you feel the way you do.October 5, 2019 at 5:06 pm #774941
*feelOctober 5, 2019 at 7:20 pm #774942
Anderson: I didn’t say I happily paid. I paid because guy asking for paying separately made me extremely uncomfortable. Plus, it’s fourth date and I like the guy but I can’t get past this not paying for my coffee thing. Like others said it makes me confused whether he really likes me or not. Are you saying I have to tell the guy beforehand that I expect him to pick up the tab?
When on dates guy paid I usually pay on next date or on same date afterwards in different café if we got coffee again.
Reading these message I think I know what i’m feeling now. It’s like Lane said “I don’t feel like he is trying to impress me”. Yeah, that’s it.October 5, 2019 at 9:27 pm #774948
Is this how you’d like to be courted …?
Just asking-October 6, 2019 at 12:02 am #774953
Raven : I think so. I mean I wouldn’t mind paying other half of the time/ dates. Just want him to pay for both of us at least once in a while. It really doesn’t even have to be dinner but just coffee 😞.October 6, 2019 at 10:42 am #774968
If you’re going to assume him not paying shows he doesn’t want to impress, then if I dated you and paid would you also assume I had interest? Because you’d be wrong half the time. I dont do it to impress, and have done it even when I didn’t like the girl (something I might need to stop doing to avoid misleading). It’s just a comfort zone and personal preference.
Your (and others) instant judgement of him choosing to split is a little severe, given you have no clue of his reasons. And there can be plenty valid ones. My point is just to introduce some healthy skepticism.
If I were you and this was such a dealbreaker I’d simply ask my dates if they were old fashioned or more modern. From there the conversation can naturally segue to paying on dates.
If you’re going to dump him over this, which you’re obviously free to do, at least be straight forward with him about how you feel/think so you can get some insight.October 6, 2019 at 11:52 am #774971
I think there’s a distinction between splitting the bill in general (which I think is OK for the first couple dates) and the OP’s specific situation. She picked up the bill on the 2nd date and the guy has not reciprocated. And he continues splitting the bill on their subsequent dates.
Yeah, that would be off putting to me too. After 4 dates it’s very friend-zone-ish to keep splitting the bill. And the not reciprocating after she has already paid once is tacky.
Like Raven said, is this how you want to be courted? I’ve been with my boyfriend 1.5 years and it still feels good when he takes me out and treats me. And guess what, I take him out and treat him too. It’s reciprocal. I would hate for every dinner date or outing for drinks to turn into us counting pennies in order to split the bill. There’s something about footing the bill for a person that shows their company is worth whatever the cost of the date was (even if it was just coffee!)
OP, how do you feel about the guy in general? Do you enjoy his company, do you have things in common, does he show interest in you, is he good about calling/texting etc? If you feel there is potential for something more with this guy, maybe you could address it in a roundabout way. Like, if you go for a coffee, say to him cheerfully “I’ll pay this time, and you get the next one!” And the next time you’re together say (warmly and friendly) “oh, it’s your turn this time, isn’t it?” That’s the only tactic I can think of. But honestly I don’t know what to say because I’m not sure what I’d do in this situation.October 6, 2019 at 12:30 pm #774975
It’s amazing to me how many young men don’t have any social graces these days. I have a single son and he would never do this. He might buy $6 teeshirts, but he always treats. Most people act the way they were brought up.
But I don’t see how a young man can be so obtuse! If this man is 30 or over, to me there is no excuse for this behavior. I would have a talk with him maybe? if I liked him.. And if I didn’t like what he said, I’d drop him.
It shows he will never be generous with you.October 6, 2019 at 10:14 pm #775004
i think males should pay the first date. I like when a man does this. He wont know but if I like the guy? I let him pay the first date and the next date? I pay to return the favour.
If I dont like the guy? I will INSIST I pay my half, because I know i wont see them again and i dont want them to waste their money on me.
The fact its been 4 dates, you’ve paid one, and he hasn’t returned the favour? I’d not be keen either. Its not impressive and pretty selfish.October 6, 2019 at 10:57 pm #775005
I was just discussing this with my husband the other day actually. We were talking about how some girls will have a fit when a guy doesn’t pay on a date. My husband and I come from 2 different cultures. I’m Australian and he’s French. We had slightly different views on this and I think a lot of it comes from cultures.
I said to my husband that a few years ago when I was still in the dating world there were a few times when the guys did not pay. Now it’s not something that I would necessarily not see a guy again over if he didn’t pay the first time we went out. I always gave them the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe there was a reason why they didn’t pay. If they didn’t pay the second date I thought it was a bit strange. I’ve never been one to throw a tantrum and I’m not high-maintenance by any means but I do agree with the posters on here saying that it is nice the first few dates for the man to pay then afterwards it doesn’t really matter who when it starts becoming a bit more serious.
My husband had quite a different view and it was interesting to hear a different perspective. He said that he always used to pay on the first few dates without question and he said most French men have that view. He said it was a statement to show that he was able to look after the lady. I think someone else actually mentioned it in this post? I thought about it afterwards and he’s right. If a guy does not offer to pay for at least a coffee after you’ve been out a few times I might be inclined to think they’re a bit stingy or they might not be in a financial situation to date anyone at all.October 7, 2019 at 1:24 am #775015
@ Liz Lemon: I do like the guy. We can talk for hours. He isn’t good at texting and takes min a day or two to reply but when we meet he seems genuinely interested or at least he acts like it. Asks me all the questions and tells me about his random life stories. I might have to do that ” I will get it this time you pay next” trick one of these days and see how it goes.
@ g : Yeah, I do pay on dates too. Whether I like the guy or not when they don’t pick up the tab I get so uncomfortable I just pay for both. I’m not happy about it but it’s just so awkward paying for one. I’m kind of learning not to do that after I paid for this expensive dinner once with a guy I wasn’t even planning to see again. He just kept staring at bill.
Since I do really like this guy sometimes I feel like I should just keep my calm and see how it goes. I mean maybe gradually this crush fades off and I won’t like him after 2 or 3 more dates. But, it just throws me off every time it happens. As far as I know him his financial position is perfect. Maybe he just never knew it’s how some girls might feel . Maybe he only met the modern girls as Anderson here says.October 7, 2019 at 8:34 am #775032
Honestly, drop him. He sounds cheap. I get splitting the tab, or taking turns paying. But to let you pay and then not thank you? Oh heck no.
I met a guy friend out this weekend for an expensive dinner that I asked him to to celebrate a big deal in his life. He damn near fought me to get the check. Like, dude, this is my gift to you. You are not paying.October 7, 2019 at 10:17 am #775041
Don’t you get hungry talking for hours on a coffee? Lol. He won’t even buy you a muffin?October 7, 2019 at 12:22 pm #775051
I agree with Lane.
If this is bothering you so much, move on.
He’s tight with his wallet.October 7, 2019 at 12:54 pm #775053
I had a bf that was so cheap, I had to bring my own food when I came to spend nights. I really resented that he would not pull out his wallet or buy food knowing I was coming for the weekend.October 7, 2019 at 4:16 pm #775090
Had a similar situation with a guy I dated a few years ago. We dated for a few months and he never paid for me once. And I think there were a few incidents where I paid for something little for him. It really did bother me, but he was from Germany, so I just chalked it up to cultural differences. Though I think if he were American I would have probably cut it off earlier. I want to be in a relationship where the guy wants to be generous, and vice versa. I think there’s a level of selfishness there that’s just unattractive.
Do you think you could ever bring the subject up, even in a curious way? Such as, “What has your experience been in who pays for who on dates? It’s interesting how it’s a little controversial now on who pays”- just to drum up his thoughts?October 7, 2019 at 9:07 pm #775122
Sorty but I don’t do coffee dates or breakfast dates early on. If a guy can’t take me out to dinner at a nice restaurant and pay the bill then he’s not a guy I want to date! When I was doing online dating I never had a problem getting a guy to take me to dinner at a nice restaurant and pay. If he’s not interested enough in me to do that then I don’t want to date a low interest guy.
I own my own business, have my own home, my own vehicles and am financially comfortable. Not going to date a guy who doesn’t have his act together enough to buy me dinner. Don’t care if it’s because he’s cheap, doesn’t have the cash or his momma never taught him enough manners. Any of those reasons is enough for me not to be interested.