Ghosted after 3 months. I want to end on good terms.


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  • #656924 Reply
    JC

    Hi everyone,

    I am having a hard time coping with this situation. I met this guy 2 years younger than me (23) from a dating app 3 months ago and we’ve been on over 10 dates. All of them are amazing and our connection was clear from the first date. After 8 dates we had a misunderstanding over text, which resulted in him taking time for a week. He apologized for not reaching out sooner. We cleared it up but he said his schedule is becoming very busy and we can only do 1 day week and not a lot of texting. I said it was okay as long as we enjoy our time together still. We planned the next date on the phone.

    The next 2 dates were still amazing. Each one was a dinner, sleepover and breakfast or hike. He told me he missed me every time and we always have a long kiss goodbye. I have to admit that i didn’t love the minimal texting but kept telling myself texting didn’t matter. 3 weeks ago he moved to a place 20 mins from me (we were an hour apart before), he said i should come see it and this will make things easier for us. He texted me right after the move to see how my weekend was. He agreed we should celebrate his move. I proposed a day and he stopped responding. 3 days later he sent me a text saying he’s working crazy hours and cannot see me this weekend. I said it’s okay we will figure out something next week and asked if he wanted to call to catch up. No response.

    I thought he might be doing the guy thing and wanting space so I patiently let him be. I sent him a text 4 days later saying I don’t think anything’s wrong between us so I’m assuming you’re busy. Let me know if something else is on your mind. Still no response to this moment. It has been almost 2 weeks since he last texted me. I am pretty sure I got ghosted and I am beyond confused.

    I just can’t understand how someone can disappear after 10+ dates without an explanation. He also texted me right after his move. Said he missed me on our last date. It’s strange to only have good memories of someone for 3 months then poof! No fight no warning, just gone. He still checks all of my snapchat stories very quickly.

    All I want right now is to end on good terms after all the time we spent together. Do you think it’s a good idea to take the highroad send a text to call him out that ghositng isn’t okay and propose an ending on a good note? Do you think he’ll come back?

    I’ve gone on a new date this week and trying to move on but can’t shake the feeling of “what went wrong? was it another woman?” :/

    #656927 Reply
    Becky

    Unfortunately guys just stop responding when they are not interested so it looks like he isn’t interested in you- it could be for any number of reasons and you may never know. I wouldn’t respond to him and when he does contact you again- then you let him know that ghosting is not OK with you and you’re not interested in him. That is setting clear boundaries and let’s him know you’re not waiting around for him.

    #656928 Reply
    Lisa

    “The next 2 dates were still amazing. Each one was a dinner, sleepover and breakfast or hike.”

    Guys usually get burned out if dates are very long/many hours
    at this early stage. You see, they see dates as them performing, them making you feel happy, so they concentrate every second on that.

    “I said it’s okay we will figure out something next week and asked if he wanted to call to catch up.”

    Ok, this might sound pressuring to him.

    #656930 Reply
    Lisa

    You see, when you try to reschedule, you are actually asking him out, initiating.

    #656932 Reply
    Nicole

    Sorry to hear about this situation- it sucks! I’ve been there and it can be frustrating and hurtful. What you need to remember is that it probably has nothing to do with you. Yes, he may not be interested anymore but there a number of things it could be and you have to ask, do you want to be with someone whose so up and down when you’re only 10 dates in?

    I think you probably want to follow up so there is the potential for more. If you do truly care about him, follow up like you would any other person in your life that you care about but if you’re just feeling rejected, i’d let it go. I followed up in my situation and it was worth it but every situation is different.

    Also- just because he looks at your snapchats doesnt mean he wants to date you. He may still care about you but once you send that final message/call, its up to him. Leave it there and move on. It’s easier said than done but in a few months, you’ll be fine again! :)

    #656946 Reply
    Emma

    When he started being more “:busy” and not so much texting this is when he probably started seeing someone new.

    You did nothing wrong, your texts were normal and nice. Your guy is a coward, he preferred to leave you high and dry then tell you the reason for his decision.

    Do what would make you feel better. I’d call him out on his rotten ghosting. Do not leave it as if it nothing is wrong. 2 months later, when things might not work out with his new girl, he’d reappear, apologise, make up some excuses, expecting you to take him back and accept things. I am sure he’s done it before.

    Do not take him back, he was leading you on until the very last text.

    #656951 Reply
    Anon

    You are a woman wanting a relationship and he is not a man wanting a relationship with you.

    This is the simplest answer

    You don’t need an answer in this shortlived dating experience

    If you need answers in all these short episodes, you can go crazy. No need.

    Really, reflect that . You two at this moment want different things. Move on.

    If he was not nice to you- you be nice to yourself

    #656953 Reply
    Raven

    Why on Earth would you want to end on ‘good terms’ with someone who ghost you?!

    #656954 Reply
    Hannah

    As always I agree with Raven. This man let you down massively. And you want to end it on good terms?! I’d be furious!

    I’d definitely text him but my texts wouldn’t be publishable on here and I wouldn’t expect a response.

    Stop clinging on to him and move on. This is a terrible way to treat someone. Please don’t accept that treatment.

    #656960 Reply
    JC

    Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I appreciate the support and you are all right.

    Raven and Hannah – I want to end on a good note more for me. Someone once told me “Being mad is like drinking poison and hoping the enemy would die.” I have been pretty calm through this whole thing but I do have confused and annoyed moments here and there. I think offering to end on a good note is in a way saying “Let’s be adults. You’re immature AF”. Best case scenario, I’d get some answers. Worst case I don’t get anything which leaves me where I am now anyway?

    Nicole – Thank you for the understanding. May I ask how you went about following up in your case?

    #656964 Reply
    Joe

    It doesn’t matter if it ended on a good note or not. What matters is that he doesn’t want contact. You have to accept the fact he doesn’t want you and get on with your life.

    Contacting him to get an answer, would make you look like a fool. And even if he gave you an “answer” it probably wouldn’t be the truth. Stop obsessing!

    #656966 Reply
    T from NY

    I think what happens in these situations is that kind people try to wrap their head around cruel peoples actions. They try to make sense of what is going on. I think you’re wanting the ending to be different comes from a case of wanting closure but ALSO wanting to believe in a world that’s better than people like this. You are wanting to salvage your view of what kind of world you live in and what kind of person he is.

    But darlin. He’s a pig.

    I rarely call people names. But individuals who do this type of stuff are cowards and the epitome of selfish and un-evolved humans. He didn’t want a tough talk so completely blew you off — a person he’s been regularly responding to for months. In addition, some ghosters “strategy” is to not officially end things with you so they can be off “trying on” a new relationship. Then, if that one doesn’t work out — they can attempt to come back with some crazy stupid excuse and convince you everything is okay. It’s awful, just awful.

    I for one am really disgusted and sad to see the way a lot of men just disappear these days instead of just saying to the woman — I don’t see this going anywhere. (I’m not talking about after a couple of dates. I mean when they have an established pattern /contact / and relationship with a woman) As I’ve gotten older — I am a person rare to anger and for the most part I feel likes it’s a futile emotion. BUT in cases like this — you SHOULD be angry for a hot minute and then absolutely through with this dude.

    Send whatever text you like. Call and leave a voicemail. Whatever you need to do. But after that I would never speak to him again. He absolutely is not worthy of a minute more of your time. He.does.not.deserve.it. You did nothing wrong. You could not have known! But he has shown you who he is. Go forward and celebrate the beauty in this world. Avoid and don’t give energy to the ugly.

    #656969 Reply
    Tina

    “Best case scenario, I’d get some answers. Worst case I don’t get anything.”

    I don’t think so. IF he wanted to talk to you, he would already do so. If he was mature person who was willing and able to talk like a grown up he would not have ghosted in the first place.

    You don’t need him to get your closing. You don’t need him to get over your feelings of anger and hurt. You need to do it in your head and there is nothing that he can give you here, no answer will help you. You need to understand that you ARE amazing and that there was nothing you can do if a certain guy doesn’t want you. You can only learn for the future.

    #656980 Reply
    Nicole

    JC- My situation may sound a little nuts but the person I’m referring too was my ex-boyfriend, we were exclusive and I’d met his family weeks prior to this. I had actually tried to text and call this ex and he didn’t respond so after about 4 days of NC, I called from an unknown number and he picked up. I know that may sound crazy but in my case, I felt it was justified. My ex suffers from depression and this was the first time that I had learnt about it and the way that he deals with things because he had kept it a secret for a few months before this happened.

    I’m not sure what your exact situation is but for me, I needed more closure if that were to be the case. It wasn’t and we dated on and off for another year. In hindsight though, I’m at a good place where I don’t think I would do this to the next guy. Even if you break up amicably, its still never great. You never know this guy may be back but in my experience, start looking for someone better who you don’t have to monitor because its probably only going to get worse.

    Good luck!! :)

    #656988 Reply
    Phillygirl

    The quote is “Hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”.

    The distinction is very important. You should be angry and disgusted when someone thinks it’s ok to mistreat and disrespect you. That comes from healthy boundaries and solid self esteem.

    I suggest you read “Keep your love on” by Danny Silk. A great book on self esteem and healthy boundaries.

    The way you are approaching this says you are more concerned about being a people pleasing person who needs the validation of another, and that “other” us NOT someone who has shown they deserve your attention, respect, or consideration.

    Closure comes from within. It means you KNOW your worth. It means you treat people with common decency and accept not a shred less in return. Those who don’t care or understand to demonstrate common respect and decency are dropped and forgotten. Someone who treats you with so little regard is not entitled to one more second of your time or effort.

    Closure means you open your eyes, to learn the part you played in this (meaning what signs you may have missed or treatment you accepted that you should not). There are usually signals or behaviors we realize (after the fact) that were not ok.

    It means you FORGIVE YOURSELF, and use this as information to store away, refer back to, and learn and grow from with each new guy you meet. All so you break unhealthy patterns and see through future attempts by less than acceptable men going forward.

    You DO NOT need to clear the air with this guy so he can think it’s ok to come back and take advantage of you again.

    You only need to focus on you and making him a permanent distant memory you DON’T repeat.

    #657015 Reply
    kaye

    I know this sucks and I’ve been there! This seems to be epidemic behavior for guys you meet on dating sites! It’s so much easier just to start ignoring you and hope you get the picture when he finds someone else he wants to talk to and date.

    It does make you feel lousy that they didn’t care enough to even break things off with you. In your case I would probably actually cut this guy a little slack because he is young and may not have alot of dating experience. In my case I was dating guys in their 40’s and they knew better!! LOL

    I really think texting creates more issues in relationships for people dating now than anything else!! You had a misunderstanding over text early in he relationship and he took a time out for a week over it. Then he started making excuses about being busy and only have one day a week to see you and not being able to text a lot. That right there was the beginning of the end and you missed the signs.

    After 3 months a man will usually either step up or step out. He will make you a girlfriend, increase the frequency of dates and seeing you and move the relationship forward or he will start fading out…less texts, less calls, less dates, more busy. It’s classic.

    He even moved closer to you but then couldn’t see you because he was “working crazy hours”. Now it’s been 2 weeks and yes you’ve been ghosted and you missed all the signs that were telling you this was coming. It’s okay because this is a learning experience and next time you will be better prepared.

    I’ve handled being ghosted a couple different ways. I’ve called out the guy for being an a$$hat on one occasion and on another occasion I just let it go with no comment, no anything. And guess what…the guy I let go with no comment kept trying to come back several times for as long as a year later!

    I agree with Phillygirl that right now you are so worried about being a people pleaser and wanting to end things on good terms that you aren’t seeing the big picture. When someone disrespects you and you reach out to them wanting things to be on “good terms’ you are condoning their actions and letting them know they are free to treat you this way in the future with no consequences. You are opening the door for this guy to come back, have sleepovers with you again, and disappear again. And the odds are pretty high that he will contact you to try for easy sex again.

    You say you want to end on good terms “after all the time we spent together”. You are putting way too much emphasis on 10 dates. That’s really not a lot of time to spend with a person to even get to know them on a surface level, much less to start an emotional connection. The best thing to do here is move on and not do anything. Don’t send him a text, don’t call him and if he does contact you then ignore him. If he’s persistent then let him know you don’t entertain men who choose to disappear with no explanation.

    #657016 Reply
    Khadija

    His silence is an answer enough. When a guy stops responding to texts or making plans that lets me know he is no longer interested.

    I delete his number and move on. Whatever the reason to me is not important because disappearing is not okay.

    Have I had people come back later to apologize, of course but I really could care less about their apology.

    Even in the end it seems like you are still hoping for a slim chance that one more call or text will change things.

    Its beyond me why you would want to be on good terms with someone like this. Is that to hold open the door for the future because that what it seems to me.

    Please move forward and do your best to forget all about this guy.

    #657043 Reply
    Amanda

    It is a cruel dating world today. However we need to accept the dating world for what it is. Before you are official, the “rules” are people can leave at any time. Once you are bf/gf I think an explanation is standard. Anyway, the truth is he is answering you and he is telling you something. It is VERY clear that him not answering your text is saying, “Sorry I am not feeling this I want to move on.” Suppose, anyway, that he did send you that message. You still really would not have an explanation. You already have an answer and the only explanation you need: he is not feeling it. His silence says that loud and clear.

    I would not text him. It is basically the same as texting him after he sends a “Sorry I am not feeling it text”. And why would you text after that? If a guy is not into me, my attitude is fine I do not want to be with someone who is not into me. The real key is if he writes you back DO NOT take him back. DO NOT be an option.

    #657047 Reply
    Amy

    He already ended it, and going back and saying anything else to him is pointless. You missed the signals he was withdrawing. I would agree that it’s likely he met someone else. At the very least, he decided he didn’t have a future with you. Unfortunately, some men don’t have the integrity to state they wish to end it. For you, the good terms you seek is in just realizing the right man wouldn’t treat you this way and being grateful for the time you had together and letting it go. If you send a text now, you are opening yourself to someone wishy woshy trying to come back, when he’s proven he’s not worthy. Ghosts who come back to haunt you are practically never viable as boyfriends the second time around. It’s OK to be angry at being treated like this, just let that anger fuel you to value yourself even more and make sure that before you get too invested and sexually involved you are sure this is a man who is going to respect you. I would delete this guy off social media and block his number so he can’t come back and confuse you in the future.

    Also, remember that most of the time when you are dating someone it will fizzle out at 3-4 months. That’s a decision point for both parties if they want to carry on. Another major decision point is 6 months. At that point you have a clear idea if you might want a longer term future with this person and a lot of the time the answer is no. Not because anyone did anything wrong.

    #657051 Reply
    CG

    Let him go. I am currently going through the same thing. He asked me to move in on Sunday. Tuesday decided that he might want to take out another girl, on Thursday we broke off things completely and he went out on a date with the new girl who he met and they slept together after knowing each other for a week. Do not stick around you are wasting your time. Good or Bad terms just get away. Find someone who wants you and not all the other BS.

    #657060 Reply
    Lisa

    The dating world is what it is beacuse guys are more popular than girls.
    They are a bit of class A citizens in most countries.

    *Guys usually get ghosted by 20-25 years younger girls.
    (her attention was a bit too good to be true, she only liked him for his admiration, most dating scams for men have the profile pic of a very young woman)

    *While we women often get ghosted by guys our own age or younger
    (his attention is usually a bit too good to be true, he lovebombed us in the beginning and really only liked us for our huge admiration and appreciation)

    The only way to tweak this, i think, is to show boundaries, high value and be hard to get. That way even guys our own age will more likely show us respect and become interested in us and attracted to us.

    /my two cents

    #657067 Reply
    Emma

    I usually agree with kaye but not this time. He is 23 not 13 and he’s been around already. he knows what he is doing just as well as guys who are in their 40s.

    Regardless, you see that everyone unanimously tell you to toss this experience away and forget he left the door open on purpose, so that he can fool you later.

    Like in so many cases here with women who are seeing advice, I am 90% sure you’d do the opposite when he reappears with some lame excuse. Be prepared that he would either cheat on your or ghost you again or both down the road. Leopard doesn’t change its spots, a very good expression.

    Sadly I agree with Lisa’s somewhat childish statements as well. Market dynamics is what drives things. Those who are young have all the power and they abuse it often, ghosting on people and treating them without any consideration. The older you get the more difficult things become especially for women.

    That’s why ladies in your 20s, do not waste your best years crying over jerks. Get your act together and try to meet as many men as you can, filtering them out and paying attention only to those who check most of your boxes. But making sure oyu test them out. if you start seeing something off, rude or otherwise inadequate, do not try to fix it, move on to the next one. Your 20s are not forever and once you get into your 30s, your market value drops. Sadly but it is the case, and the more into your 30s you go, the lower your “market value”. I am not saying you can’t find the right guy in your 30s or 40s, I am saying it is much more difficult. Don’t lose your time, be smart, drop wishy washy hot and cold guys who are not courting you not treating you well. Make your selections from among “nice” guys, decent polite unspoiled guys, not plays and men whores.

    #657092 Reply
    JC

    I think I will now either call him out on his BS and leave it, or send nothing. Thank you everyone for taking the time to talk me into my senses. He really is not worth it and can only do more damage.

    Dating is so tough. This time I waited until he showed a lot of effort on 7 dates and I thought we were exclusive to have sex and it still turned out this way. I guess it was just all games. I want to believe the guy I knew wasn’t bad but just goes to show how some guys can change their minds whenever. Feels like it’s never safe to invest in one guy. I don’t want to be jaded and dating multiple people is so exhausting….

    CG – I am sorry that happened to you. I admire your strength to end it with him after going as far along as almost moving in. A wishy woshy guy like that does not deserve you either.

    #657114 Reply
    Possible

    This guy is very young. I think it’s possible he thinks he has blown it with you. This happened to me not long ago. After several months of thinking he was a jerk & no contact, I texted “Hi how’s it going?” He immediately called me & said he was so happy & relieved to hear from me because he thought I was done with him because he didn’t text right away when he was busy moving & changing jobs. It was all a big misunderstanding. If your heart is telling you to reach out to him, do it but don’t over do it. Keep it light & brief. If he doesn’t reply, it wasn’t meant to be.

    #657116 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Here is where the rubber meets the road.

    Dating is a gamble…who is into who and how much. That is why it is in your best interests not to get too emotionally involved until a man proves himself to you. And that always always takes time. There is no shortcut. Sex does not mean anything to men, it has to be for them deeply emotional.

    Whenever I date I always always feel that the man could walk away at any moment, and so could I. I do not look at anything seriously until a man tells me he loves me. That takes months usually, and in the meantime I am scoping him out to see if we can be friends. In the meantime I am learning all about him, who he is, what he holds dear, his interests, values, family, friends, etc. There is a lot of scoping and learning to do before I know if this could possibly be the man for me.

    Usually, if we make the six month mark then we have a good chance of going further. To me, ten dates is nothing when you look at dating this way.

    Get involved in learning about them more than quickly falling in love with them.

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