This topic contains 42 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 3 days, 22 hours ago.
January 12, 2020 at 11:21 am #782641
Hello ladies, I came here to entertain you sharing my newest experience with a creep :)
I matched with a guy on Tinder and he asked me out. We met in an Italian restaurant and had some pasta and wine. The conversation was brilliant, this guy seemed to be smart, well educated and a nice person in general. Oh well.
I noticed a shift in his behaviour when I said I wanted to go home as I was tired. He suddenly became snarky. We asked for the bill and while waiting I went to the toilet. When I was back, the guy was nowhere to be found. The waiter figured out what happened first and then the reality downed on me. I tried to contact him and, what a surprise, nothing.
I paid and left. On my way home I have sent him a message saying that I couldn’t believe he left without paying. He responded that he was only smoking outside, which is not true as I was looking for him for good 10 minutes. When I confronted him he called me crazy and said that I only care about money and that I should be grateful that he responds to me (sic!).
I felt confused, but ok, worst things happen.
To my surprise, today I have received another text message from him, saying “I like you, it was a misunderstanding, let;s forget about it. Please come over to my hotel later and we watch a movie”. When I didn’t respond he started to send me “Sorry” and “Are you still mad” messages. I was baffled. Like yes, sure, I will go to your place, because on top of being stolen from I need another traumatic experience or abuse.
This seriously creeps me out. I have a feeling that I dogded a bullet and being left in a restaurant wasn’t the worst that could have happened to me last night.January 12, 2020 at 12:35 pm #782644
Danitka, I am not sure what you expected on your first date from Tinder.
you told him you want to go home as you were tired (why schedule a date on a night when you know you will be tired?) and when you asked for a bill, you left for the bathroom, like waiting him to pay the bill. Honestly, asking for a bill and leaving for a bathroom was a bit dodgy of you, imho.
I think you both dodged the bullet – he wanted sex, you wanted a free dinner (which backfired) – so the date backfired for both of you – he didnt get sex, you didnt get a free dinner
can you please say what are you expectations from a Tinder date? :)January 12, 2020 at 12:52 pm #782645
haha you are funny! Here in Europe we split the bill, I never expect a free dinner. And going to the bathroom is not considered dodgy. Peeing you pants on the other hand… Nevermind.
Is the question “can you please say what are you expectations from a Tinder date?” for real? :DJanuary 12, 2020 at 1:01 pm #782647
You dodged a major creep/jerk. He realized his “game” was not going to work with you and left you with the entire bill. I would write back to him LMFAO- I would never meet you in your hotel room- and block this guy.January 12, 2020 at 1:05 pm #782648
I decided not to respond anything. And of course that going to his hotel room was out of the question, it sounds like a recipe to get sexually abused.
Anyway, I wonder why he lives in a hotel, if in theory he is from the city I live in. So many questions :D I am glad I still have both of my kidneys.January 12, 2020 at 1:06 pm #782649
One time on a first date I came back from the bathroom with toilet paper trailing from my pants.
My date pointed at me and laughed.January 12, 2020 at 1:18 pm #782651
I am from Europe, I know about the paying rituals
when you ask for a bill, you dont go promptly (and conveniently) to the bathroom :)
yes, my question was for real: I would really like to know what do you expect from a Tinder date?
tbh, your horror date story has so many holes as to your intentions, imho :)January 12, 2020 at 1:39 pm #782652
Well, I didn’t go promptly and conviniently to the bathroom :) Didn’t it occure to you that I wouldn’t have shared this detail, if I had some bad intentions and if it was an attempt to get a free meal?
“tbh, your horror date story has so many holes as to your intentions, imho”
I know that there is a tendency to atack the OP on this forum by some people and I am sure you know what my intentions were. Holes?
My expectations from a Tinder date is to have fun and go home safely. And that is what usually happens when I go out with guys from the dating app. First time that something like this happened to me.January 12, 2020 at 1:46 pm #782654
Okey, fair enough :)
I am not attacking, I just wanted to be sure about your own involvment in this fiasco. Like it was a good date, in your own words “The conversation was brilliant, this guy seemed to be smart, well educated and a nice person in general.”
then you decided you have to go home because you are tired. That combined with the leaving for the bathroon when the bill probably could arrive maybe made your date think you wanted just a free dinner.
Its wonderful you had so many good tinder dates full of fun and got home safely.January 12, 2020 at 2:03 pm #782655
Well it was a long dinner and after red wine I got sleepy. It was already around midnight and I think it is a reasonable time to go home.
I think that even if I gave him that impression, leaving without paying is still a really d*ck move. He could just leave his part. I think a free meal was in fact his plan, not mine.
Anyway, what’s most interesting are the messages I have received the next day. He basically acted as if nothing happened, saying that he liked me and had a pleasant evening (as if he didn’t called me crazy b**ch and other thing as “F U and your money”). If I had more time for nonsense I would reply, but in fact I am not even that curious about how weird this guy is.January 12, 2020 at 2:13 pm #782657
I dont know what Pandora is on about because the most striking thing about this story how totally crazy this guy is. Lets assume he has a job and some money but he decides to leave when you are in the bathroom. Haha, really crazy. But he was In a hotel so probably not single eitherJanuary 12, 2020 at 2:20 pm #782658
Plus i have done the bathroom thing in the past, not to avoid paying but to avoid that awkward moment when the bill arrives and you dont really know if its split or not. Since in europe you can really tell. So its easier to pay the guy half when you come back.January 12, 2020 at 5:48 pm #782679
Why have you not blocked this loser and why are you wasting time and energy asking about him ? Some people are just douchebags for no particular rhyme or reason. With tinder and most online dating theres the good, the bad and the ugly. You defo dodged a bullet. Move on already. Dont not waste another minute of your life on this. And block him. Hes potenially dangerous if he cant keep his behaviour reasonable for one night.January 12, 2020 at 5:54 pm #782681
I do understand the reason to post. The guy was charming and there was a click. If he hadnt left danitka wouldnt have known his creepy even scary side and maybe put her guard down and that is a scary thoughtJanuary 12, 2020 at 5:58 pm #782684
The OP isn’t asking for advice! She very clearly said it was a story she was sharing for fun!
The OP did nothing wrong and its weird to be suggesting she wanted a free meal!!!
Just because its Tinder doesnt mean its going to be awful…
OP you definitely dodged a bullet and i cannot believe the audacity of him acting normal after being so rude and expecting a hook up!!January 12, 2020 at 6:21 pm #782697
This is exactly why I limited initial meetups to a coffee shop because you pretty much know within 10 minutes if they are someone you want to see again or not and if not you can drink a cup of coffee for a small cost and don’t feel like you are obligated to meet them again.
Additionally, I don’t like formal dinner dates early in the dating process because it feels more like your on an interview than getting to know some in a more casual relaxed setting, like a local pub and playing a game of pool, darts, watching a local band, going to a local festival, etc. I prefer the formal dinner date when its clear we like each other a lot and its moving towards something more than just a dinner date.
I would forgo formal dinner dates and opt for a cheaper relaxed public setting as a first “meet and greet” like a cup of coffee or drink, and a few more inexpensive low key meet and greets to get to know each other better before going on a full on formal dinner date because at that point you pretty much know you like and enjoy each other’s company.
Men are shelling out too much money to meet a lady IMO, so as a woman, I curb it not only because I don’t think a man should spend a lot of $$$ just to meet me for the first time but in the event there’s no interest its much easier to to end it and go on our merry way. If there’s interest I find a slow build up works best than going full on in the beginning just for it to end up going nowhere. I think in the minds of some men that if they spend money on you they expect something in return (such as sex); so by taking this option away from them it also helps to keep it off the table longer haha.January 12, 2020 at 6:22 pm #782698
I posted because I think it is a good story to share, maybe some other girls will learn something from my experience. I read this forum regularly and except from some visious people around here, I find anewmode an excellent place to exchange the opinions about dating and love life. Some people just need to vent after an unpleasant experience and you actually can find a lot of support here. I did.
I haven’t blocked him, because I see no reason to do so. I am sure I won’t be hearing from him again, because he is probably after someone else now.
I usually have good experience with tinder dates. Never met anyone that I wanted to be with in a long term, but I went out with many interesting men that I kept contact with as friends.
Thank you Newbie, I also think that it could have gotten worse.January 12, 2020 at 6:26 pm #782699
I think I will apply your strategy for the future Lane, a coffee and then we will see. I sometimes disagree with your insights, but usually I find your posts spot on. Like this one. Thank you :)January 12, 2020 at 7:01 pm #782703
T from NY
I think there’s a lot to break down here. First I find nothing wrong with your behavior. If you got tired, or needed to pee, you have a right to go home any damn moment you please and you certainly have the right to go to the loo OMG.
But I think it’s important to point out, even if you had only had a coffee date – it may have only prolonged you seeing the real him. There cases, very widely publicized, of women being sexually assaulted on 2nd and 3rd dates (and no – the two I’m thinking of were NOT home dates). The point is – you make a good point to watch for all kinds of signs no matter how much time spent. This guy gave the following flags –
-He made you feel bad because you were tired
-He took off instead of talking to you about splitting bill
-He then actually left without paying
-He later acted like nothing at all happened (because food and drink pay for themselves right?)
-He then tried to convince you to be alone with him in a hotel
These are all things women need to pick up on – no matter how many dates in. I like to ask for a phone call to plan the date. It helps my spidey senses and helps me know if I’ll be attracted. It’s been 99.9% accurate thus far.
The last two guys I asked for a call – the first one I really liked. But “something” felt a little off. Couldn’t put my finger on, so met up for just quick drink. Wonderful time. He then ghosted me after asking me out for dinner the next Saturday. I now think he was married. The other one — convo went great until I told him I needed to hang up and sleep. He kept pushing to continue talking. I noted he did not care about my feelings. I genuinely TIMED him and how many times I tried to end the call. (I could have ended it, don’t you worry – I just decided to experiment.) I outright stated or hinted 3x in 25 min – he kept jabbering on. I decided not to meet him or text him anymore. I was right. He was a creep. He continued to text me multiple times over a course of weeks and weeks.
Maintaining a balance of light hearted and trusting, while also always assessing for your safety is a balancing act women just have to practice. I hope this forum can be encouraging and educational and not judgmental or cruel. We can benefit from supporting each other.January 12, 2020 at 7:22 pm #782704
Awesome post T! Yes its a warning to never go with a few datesJanuary 12, 2020 at 7:33 pm #782705
T from NY I was wondering what would happend if instead of me, he would have asked out someone more fragile. I am naive, I am fully aware of that, but as soon as I realise that something is wrong…
The thought that there are women out there that can end up in a really scary situation, and I am not talking about him only, makes me anxious. I have a sister that is 12 years older than me and online dating scams are just your daily routine, if you use those apps (the most popular profile here in Belgium is of an american soldier that falls in love with you then gets sent to Syria/Iran/Afganistan and after asks about money to come back and meet you).
“I hope this forum can be encouraging and educational and not judgmental or cruel. We can benefit from supporting each other.”
In my opinion this forum is really supporting, but I have read it since 2013, so I kind of learned how to separate the grain from the chaff. However, many times I have seen someone coming here and asking for an advice and then getting bashed by some frustrated trolls. Lack of moderation, methinks.January 12, 2020 at 11:21 pm #782722
I have decided to plunge into online dating. I am glad ANM exists to teach me what to watch out for. I always find excellent insights from T on whatever the topic is. Thanks Wish me luck!January 12, 2020 at 11:37 pm #782724
I have another first date story.
Well we didn’t actually make it to the first date.
I was out with friends and they introduced me to a male friend who happened to be at the same restaurant as us.
We talked, he walked me to my car, and when I tried to leave he put himself halfway through my vehicle through the driver’s side window and asked me to grab coffee with him.
I declined as it was late.
My friend gave him my telephone number and he text me (it’s now like 2am at this point. He’s asked me several questions about my dating history. I replied it’s late and I have to go to bed.
I learned he was fresh out of divorce so I cut him some slack. But, I didn’t think it was a good idea to proceed with a date.January 13, 2020 at 5:04 am #782747
I think if the man can be shameless enough to just walk out sneakily and leave you with the entire bill without a goodbye, he could have just as easily stuck around and simply told you the amount that was your share of the bill. and thn he tried to pin his bad behaviour on you! what a loser. and thn he wants to have a cosy 2nd date with you in his hotel room! whtfh!!!!!. what a creep!January 13, 2020 at 1:33 pm #782790
Who Mfk’n knows
The dude’s a cheap-o creep-o.