Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Feels like a lot is on his terms?
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 4 years, 3 months ago by
Lane.
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Sara
My boyfriend has been away for a few weeks and just got back from his travels. In the beginning we were keeping in touch quite regularly, but it gradually became less frequently as he had full days and was rather busy. In the beginning I really missed him and was probably a bit needy, but eventually I was very happy about him enjoying himself on his own and with friends. Surprisingly I found myself enjoying my time with friends and family without being glued to each others hips like we have when he was at home. I realized the intense contact we had at the start was not sustainable in the long run either, and it all felt a bit much.
A few things that really annoyed me though. He rang me a few times while he was away. I always tried to be mindful of his time and that he is busy, but he would go on and try and extend the phone talk even when it was inconvenient for me. One time I was really unwell from a cold and he just went on and on about how well he got along with the people he’s staying at. It feels like it’s always him who needs to initiate ending the phone call. Then he would say that he would ring me at certain times and I would delay dinners and such to put aside time to talk. But a couple of times, he ended up calling hours after he said he would and not even be sorry about it. We’ve been in different time zones and he’s called me in the middle of the night a couple of times too. I know he would be very unhappy with me if I did the same, unless it was an emergency of course.
He’s sent me messages every day and I always try to respond with not too much of a delay, as I know he’s been offended in the past when I haven’t. He, on the other hand, waited for days to read my messages, even if they were very brief, sometimes just one line. Now he’s back and more or less said that we should talk on the phone the same night. He didn’t even ask if it’s a good time for me and he knows I’ve been working a lot lately and have long days. It feels like now that he’s back, I need to be at his every beck and call. I’m so upset about feeling like this and I’m even considering calling it quits. I’m afraid of his reaction though, and a part of me feels that I’m perhaps overreacting? What do you think?
Newbie
Well he is not very considerate and has different standards on how he acts and what he expects of you. He is also not a mind reader. If you have the stamina you should make it clear to him that he cant always have it his way. And you could start with not picking up the phone when its inconvenient.
I would also find his habits annoying as you describe them but i cant really tell if you should break up.Khadija
I think its time that you speak up and assert some boundaries.
He will keep on behaving this way if you don’t speak up.Don’t answer the phone if its not a good time and don’t hold you time hostage waiting for a phone call.
If he says he is going to call at a certain time and he doesn’t then don’t be available later. In doing this you are showing him he needs to keep his word and respect your time.
Relationships are give and take, a compromise. Sit him down and find something that works for you both.
tammy
I think its imp to put down boundaries. he has done so for himself. but you have been unable to do so. do not take calls when he calls late. you can always put your phone on the silent mode. and just like he cuts off when he has to go you must do the same. why do you always allow urself to get persuaded? I think it has happened many times and that resentment has built up inside you to the saturation point.
I was dating someone some years back. he always seemed happy enough to go along with my suggestions and my way of doing things. till one day he burst out over a minor disagreement and it all spilled out.
these are all small things but together over a period of time they have become big to the point that you are thinking of getting out. instead of calling it quits either you start getting assertive enough in this relationship and put your foot down over these issues or have a talk with him over this and clear it out.
Lane
You are just as responsible for establishing this pattern because by allowing it you are showing him its OK, so he’s only doing it because all he knows is that you are OK with it. I would be less talk and more action because men understand action far more than they do words, so when using words in situations like this they need to be simple, direct and to the point.
I get it, I felt the same way about mine in the beginning and had to assert boundaries early. He at least came to know my business schedule and patterns so he wouldn’t poke or prod me during those days or times but if he didn’t see me in action he wouldn’t have had a clue, and if I did nothing about it, he would have remained clueless, so you need to take some form of action for change to happen.
If he calls at a time I can’t talk, then I let it go to VM. If he sends a text I don’t respond to it until I am able to which could easily be a couple hours or more on very busy days such as my Manic Monday’s. If I want to end the convo I tell him I’m super tired (doing a lot of yawning helps haha), I have to get xyz done, or someone arrived where I say “I have to go, love you” and promptly end the call if its necessary or urgent to do so.
You have to assert strong boundaries or you’ll end up in these situations as its harder to get out of them once a long-term pattern has been established. If you can’t take his call because he chose to not call when he said he would then don’t answer and let it go to VM. If he asks why you didn’t pick up just tell him he didn’t call when he said he would (simple, direct and too the point) and it was inconvenient for you to take it and state the simple reason why such as “I fell asleep”; “was hanging out with ____”; “was in the middle of _____.”
If you can’t respond to a text, then don’t until you are able, ready or want to. After some time he will get use to the new patterns (boundaries you set) but you have to be consistent, stand your ground, or it will not have the desired affect.
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