Ex wants to be friends but doesn't initiate contact


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  • #542068 Reply
    Stacy

    Hello everyone, I hope to get your honest advice/opinion on my situation. My ex and I broke up 4 months ago after a 6-month relationship. He was everything I ever wanted in a boyfriend. We had a great time together until one day he told me he doesn’t feel like the chemistry is quite there for him. He said he genuinely wants to be my friend because the breakup was amicable. At first I told him I couldn’t do it and went no-contact for a month. Then, I was the first person to reach out with the intention of being friends since I enjoyed the friendship we had and I like him as a person. We actually met up in person a few times after the breakup but I was the one who initiated every single time.

    After we hung out the last time, I texted him and said that I enjoy the friendship we have. I just feel weird being the one initiating every time and it feels like I’m trying to win him back, which isn’t my intention. He assured me that everything is fine. In his words “I absolutely would like to maintain our friendship and I really enjoy what we have now.” He also said that he’d “definitely reach out” to me after my final exams are over.

    Well, the last time we talked was a month ago. My exams ended about a week ago and I still haven’t heard a word from him. Even though we don’t go to the same school, I’m pretty sure he knows I’m done because he’s been looking at my snapchat stories. Should I go ahead and text him or leave it for him to text me? I’m not trying to play game and wait for him to text me. I just feel like the friendship should be a mutual effort. I think he enjoys my company as a friend but why wouldn’t he contact me?

    #542074 Reply
    Alice

    This is not complicated at all. His words and actions don’t match. This means he really doesn’t want to be friends or invest in a friendship.

    Stop initiating… If a person doesn’t back up their words with the right actions.. There is no point pushing the issue.

    He’s waiting for you to catch the clue.

    #542078 Reply
    L

    Stacy

    Having a “friendship” with an ex is not clean cut as if you had a guy friend that you were just friends with no previous romantic relationship.

    Think about what a friendship really is like…you call to say hi once in awhile, you make plans to catch up and maybe you hang out with a group once in ahwile”. Even my best friend who is a girl I don’t speak to every day and I only call her when I have gossip or its been too long since we last spoke.

    So a friendship is not about him reaching out everyday and asking to go out that is a “boyfriend” and I think you are confusing the situation.

    I suggest you stop having these expectations and stop communicating with him you need time to “get over him”.

    #542081 Reply
    Stacy

    Thank you for your reply! I’m in no way expecting him to talk to me every day. Like I said, it’s been a month since we last spoke to each other. I just wonder why he hasn’t texted me considering he told me he’d text me after my exams are over.

    #542083 Reply
    Shannon

    Unfortunately, a lot of times people say “let’s be friends” when they’re breaking up with someone to soothe their own feeling of guilt over hurting them. If he’s not reaching out to you, he doesn’t want to be friends. People who really want you in their life will do whatever it takes to keep you there. I think that having him in your life would be to your detriment anyway; it will keep you from moving on and finding someone else.

    #542092 Reply
    Paige

    People rarely mean “let’s be friends”. It’s a cowards way out of the relationship instead of just saying what they’re really thinking which is “I’d rather not speak to you anymore.”

    #542098 Reply
    Van

    You say it’s not your intention to win him back, but I think your intention IS to win him back, but you don’t want HIM to think that’s your intention. I think you still want to be with him, even if it’s under his terms. A friendship status could possibly turn into something more once again.

    He hasn’t initiated contact because he isn’t concerned as much about it as you are. I think he initiated being friends, just to be nice or to lessen the blow of him breaking up with you. I think he might have felt badly about breaking-up with you, so he goes along with meeting up with you a couple times, but that’s about it. I also think he is interested in keeping you in his corner, in case he wants to double-back to you to catch up on ‘things’ from time to time, but a real ‘friendship’ isn’t really what he’s looking for.

    Good Luck tho…

    #542119 Reply
    Anna

    This could be a slippery slope. He might be picking up on the same thing, consciously or unconsciously. You said he was everything you ever wanted. You might not realize it now but you still may have feelings for him and spending time with him feels nice, maybe part of you is hoping he will grow to eventually feel the same way over time. Don’t torture yourself. It hasn’t been long enough for you to fully get over him. Maybe you can be friends again down the road, once you have met and fallen for someone else. Guys rarely want to actually be friends with an ex.

    #542135 Reply
    Khadija

    I’ll echo what many of the other ladies said.
    Oftentimes when a break up happens people say the age old lets be friends. They rarely mean it. Only a few occasions in my life have I seen people be friends with an ex.
    I would suggest that you don’t reach out to him anymore and move forward. His actions are telling you he has no interest in a friendship with you.

    #542170 Reply
    debbie

    I agree with previous post. The guy has not made contact in a month. He is not interested.

    It sounds to be like you are trying to start over with him again. Friends is usually where most couples start. You want him back, you aren’t admitting it.

    Sitting around wondering why he hasn’t texted you back is a waste of your energy and time. If you want him back truly tell him so! Pussy footing around it by attempting to be “friends” is going to hurt you in the long run. He is not interested in being friends.

    #542189 Reply
    Maria

    Not enough time passed. You can be friends later on. I’ve seem MANY cases where exes became besties. I myself have that in my life. It is possible, but it is too soon for you, and the efforts should be mutual. So you should sit back and wait for him to reach out to you. If you don’t, he will, but maybe not now. Maybe sometime later, when he’d notice that you are not reaching out and that you won’t. But do not wait for him to do that. You do need to move on. Friendship can wait. True friendship can wait for years.

    #542379 Reply
    Stacy

    Do you feel like he really change his mind after telling me how much he wants to be my friend? Part of me feels like he wouldn’t have hung out with me the past few times if he didn’t want to.

    #542390 Reply
    kaye

    It’s been 4 months and you’ve only met a few times, all initiated by you. I don’t think he would have hung out with you if he didn’t want to. He likely would have made up excuses as to why he couldn’t and then not followed up. But the fact he hasn’t initiated a single hang out in 4 months should tell you something. If he was missing your company he would be contacting you.

    A guy who is a genuinely decent guy doesn’t want to string a woman along and give her hope if he thinks she wants him back. The fact you texted him last time saying how you feel weird initiating and it feels like you’re trying to win him back but you’re not probably gave him pause. Men aren’t idiots. He knows you still have feelings for him but he’s just not feeling it for you other than as a friend.

    He enjoys your company but not enough to make an effort. A friendship should be a mutual effort and when you’re the only one putting in the energy then you need to stop.

    #607040 Reply
    anne

    Im in the same situation as yours. I was about to go on a holiday for a month when we broke up, he said he genuinely wants me to be his friend and he will contact me when I returned. But its almost 2 weeks already that I returned and he still hasn’t contacted me. So I messaged him first, he replied. but after that, he never initiates any contacts again. Its hurting, I miss him. but I think, it would be best for us not to do any contacts, no matter how much we want it. its giving our self some respect and also respecting them by giving them the space that they want.

    I would admit, I don’t want to get back together with him but I still want him in my life even just as friend. But if he doesn’t want me to be his friend, maybe I should respect his wish.

    #607047 Reply
    Shoshannah

    I agree that ‘let’s be friends’ rarely means a real, genuine friendship. I don’t agree that there is something cowardly about those lines.

    Ending a relationship amicably is a mature, respectful and a decent thing to do. However, a real, genuine friendship is almost impossible, especially early on after the break-up.

    When I want to stay friends with an ex, it means that I am ready to forgive whatever has been done to me and that I am hoping to be forgiven, that I wish him the best, think of him warmly and retain many good memories, and will be able to have a nice small talk if I ever bump into him. It would also mean that I will be willing to help if ever needed. It would NEVER EVER mean that I would initiate contact, hang out regularly or treat him as bestie. I think this would be very difficult, uncomfortable, risky etc. Or even disrespectful for the pain that I’ve caused.

    #607052 Reply
    peggy

    The “friends” thing from him likely translates as “I don’t want to feel guilty and have her mad at me and upset,so I will soften the blow by suggesting we can be friends. I always think that it is rare for exes to be friends, someone usually wants more and it is too painful.

    #743532 Reply
    Trish

    A lot of the times guys say ” Let’s be friends” because they break up with you to find ” something better”, but want to leave the door open in case they don’t find anything else and are ready to settle ( yes, men settle too)/ get lonely/ get rejected by a lot of new girls and needs an ego boost. It’s foul, but this is how the ” on again and off again” type of situations start and continue for YEARS. He wants to see what else is out there, but if it doesn’t work he *knows* that you are stuck on him and he can come back. Remove yourself from the equation, no wants wants the safety / 3rd string QB. You want to be his treasure, NOT his toy; so stop hitting him up. Cut him off, live your live and limit his exposure to your life.

    If he truly wants to be your friend/ misses you, he will reach out. If not, he will not. Remember: silence is also an answer.

    So start dating again or focus on yourself. Actively work on letting him go and be honest with yourself: what is there to gain from you two being friends? And if it’s a glimmer of your failed relationship, then that’s not worth your time. Remember this: the MOST important thing is that the other person wants you in return.

    Let him go. He is not worthy of your friendship.

    #743550 Reply
    Raven

    You can not be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for…

    When you move from dating to not dating & the breaker upper says let’s be friends, it means they’re too chicken sh!t to actually break up…

    Stop iniating & clear your life of this guy & find someone who wants the same thing as You do.

    #743562 Reply
    tammy

    old post..

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