Do guys need to explore sex before commitment?


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice Do guys need to explore sex before commitment?

This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Been there Done that 3 years ago.

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  • #603817 Reply

    Liz

    I am curious to hear form Guys and also ladies that have had previous relationships ….

    Women are told most time to withhold sex before Commjtment but a lot of my guy friends have told me that it is hard for them to further their connection to someone if the sexual aspect in early dating is not explored. In other words, it sounds like a big risk to some men to jump into a serious relationship before sex.

    Can someone share insights around this? I think I have lost a lot of potential with some great men because I withheld
    Sex ( I did that because I was afraid of getting hurt and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to handle the after math). But at the same time I am wondering if I have unrealistic expectations towards dating….

    #603824 Reply

    redcurleysue

    When a man falls for you it is outside the bedroom. While a man is a very sexual creature he is also an emotional creature that exists on another plane for him. He can have sex with hundreds of women and not love any of them. He can have sex with love as well.

    Sex should come slowly in stages, and by the time of actual intercourse the man and woman should be somewhere on the same emotional page. Men do not mind waiting for sex as long as they are with a woman of value who they care about. Men do not want to stick around easy cheap sex anymore than they want a prude that has no interest in sex….they want a woman who is loyal and only wants them.

    A man in love or moving in that direction does not give up based purely on sex, he gives up for emotional reasons, he does not feel a match and can use the excuse of lack of sex to hope to get some. Do not be fooled about this. Sex is very important but lack of it does not make a man go away. The right man is willing to wait knowing it is important to you.

    #603828 Reply

    Jason

    You know, as a guy, I would say it’s not the timing of the sex, but how compatible we are in the bedroom. If I’m seeing someone, but am on the fence about the relationship, and have sex with them, that could either increase or decrease the interest depending on how well we connect in the bedroom. Likewise, if I see potential with someone right from the get-go, I will have a desire to have sex with them, simply because I am very attracted to them. However, different men are different depending on their libido’s. I have a very high libido and would be interested in having sex 1-2 times per day, 4X/week on the low end. Other guys don’t want/need that much. I also value sex in a relationship and if we aren’t sexually compatible, it simply won’t work out for me. If a girl withholds sex for a long time with me, I may become disinterested simply because sex is an important relationship factor to me.

    Basically, either way, the sex will play some sort of factor in how I view the relationship, so my advice to you is not to think about how they view the timing on their end. If you want to have sex with the person, then do it. If you don’t want to, then don’t do it until you’re comfortable.

    I’ve dated women who waited over a month to have sex with me who I ended up not being interested in and I’ve dated women who put out on the first night that I was crazy about and vice versa. I personally believe that other factors like compatibility, personality, attractiveness, etc. play more of a factor in the longevity of a relationship than sex. So I would say to not overthink it and have fun….it’s sex after all, so it should be natural and fun ;)

    #603832 Reply

    Ambree

    Hi Liz..First you have to distinguish the difference between a boy & a man.A real man would want to earn something as precious as a woman’s body.Sex would be the last thing on his mind..He would be more interested in finessing your mind before your body.A boy would want the total opposite.My advice to you don’t do anything that will make you question your loyalty to yourself.You didn’t ruin anything if you ask me,because if those guys were for you they’d still be there.From what you’ve shared with us I like the way you carry yourself,keep it up!.Know your worth,you’re more than just a number..

    #603834 Reply

    Hannah

    I think it very much depends on the person. And I don’t say man because I’m the same! I couldn’t commit to a man before I knew how sexually compatible I was with him so I wouldn’t expect him to either. That’s just me though.

    I’d make sure he wasn’t seeing anyone else but I wouldn’t want to be properly committed before I had sex. What if it was a disaster? You’d have to dump a boyfriend instead of just a guy you were casually seeing. I’d rather know exactly what I was getting into.

    It’s about personal preference though. If you’re not happy doing it, don’t do it! I’m sure the right man for you will wait until you’re ready.

    #603886 Reply

    Heather

    Jason, why would you have sex with a girl you are on the fence about and are not interested in? So say the sex is amazing, she is still the same girl you are not interested in. I dont see that lasting very long. It sucks that guys claim they need to have sex with a woman in order to commit to them. I would never give myself to someone when they do not even know if they like me. Thats ridiculous!

    #603891 Reply

    Peter Jenner

    The person that commented that a lack of sex does not make a guy go away, well I beg to differ. there is nothing worse that falling for a woman and yes I mean Love too, to then discover she really isn’t into sex but does it “to please me”…. unfortunately I’ve been there and personally I love to please a woman sexually but the woman that isn’t really into sex is impossible to please and that I found very frustrating because the main part of being turned on and being fulfilled was seeing that she enjoyed sex and I could please her. an ex girlfriend told me recently that stuff I did for you in bed which was her idea too, well she lied when she said she liked doing it, she lied about it cuz she did it to please me.

    #603898 Reply

    Shannon

    The only way to tell if a man really likes you or if is just looking for sex is to not have sex with them right away.

    Having sex with a man right away doesn’t necessarily change the way they feel about you. I believe that’s a myth. However, the truth is that there are men who are really just looking for sex, or may not like you all that much but will stick around long enough to have sex.

    The problem is, because of the way women are wired (which many scientists believe is rooted in biology) they get emotionally attached and involved after sex, where a man does not. Our hearts get involved when sex comes into play. I myself have experienced the phenomenon of not being sure I like a guy all that much and then boom! we have sex and all of sudden I am crazy about him and he has the upper hand.

    It hurts us more to be used for sex. That’s why it’s better for us to wait to be able to suss out a man’s motives and get to know him better. Not out of some misguided notion that this will make him love us more…but to protect ourselves.

    #603939 Reply

    Maria

    Hey– I think they need to feel sexual *chemistry*– be attracted to you, like the way you move, sound, smell, kiss. Most of us can tell if we are going to be reasonably sexually compatible with someone by just making out, right? I’ve never had a totally amazing making out session turn out to be a dud in bed. So I don’t think they need to explore sex, but they need to feel like it will be exciting for them, that you turn them on, etc. I’m sure we are much the same! I woudn’t commit to a guy unless the thought of having sex with him got me going… same with guys.

    #603957 Reply

    hmm

    i’m with Hannah in this – I wouldn’t commit before I know we are sexually compatible too. And sometimes it’s impossible to know before having sex.

    As Maria wrotes: “Most of us can tell if we are going to be reasonably sexually compatible with someone by just making out, right? I’ve never had a totally amazing making out session turn out to be a dud in bed” … Unfortunately this is happened to me more than once. It wasn’t about those guys – they were nice, handsome, wanted to have relationship, chemistry was there, making out was super… and then – mikropenis. Mikropenis which loses erection during the act and it’s impossible to satisfy a woman with a regular intercourse. Yes, I know, there are other ways to please a woman, but to choose this partner to be your perhaps lifetime partner and not get a 100 % satisfaction never anymore – thanks, but no.
    Other examples have not been that extreme perhaps, but with some guys the sex, when it finally happened, was not so good than with others – and to be honest – you can’t tell it before you actually TRY IT.

    #603959 Reply

    Maria

    Hey– ha, I had a micropenis situation too once, actually.
    So I was generalizing. But of course you can always change your mind after sex if it’s bad.they can too. Hell, you can change your mind after 10 years of marriage.

    #603966 Reply

    alia

    This is just my experience, but the only times a man was willingly waiting for sex, were the times the man had some sort of sex disfunction.
    Other boyfriends and prospects had to be beaten away with a stick and seen out in broad daylight for them to behave. If I am really interested in them, but want to wait, I would let them know that I am attracted and interested in sex with him, but I needed to get to know them a better. If a man has a problem with that, he is no dating prospect.

    #603972 Reply

    redcurleysue

    To Peter.

    I am sorry if you misunderstood my post which also means the OP perhaps did too.

    What I meant if waiting for sex does not make a man go away. I speak from experience, several in fact. Men who were interested in me were able to wait until I was comfortable. Oh, we may have done some things leading up to sex but they were willing to wait until I was happy.

    I have had several long relationships and no one complained about my timing or left me because I said I was not ready. I can also say that I did not have any “hit it and quit it” experiences. By the time we had full blown sex the man was loving me and me him.

    So, I beg to disagree.

    #604141 Reply

    T from NY

    Not just guys need to explore sex before commitment — I do too!! Sex is so important to me. I have DEF had makeout sessions that were full of promise and chemistry and steam and they were awful in the bedroom. Either because styles just didn’t match up (kinky factor), or they went so fast there’s no way they could please me, or they were lazy and only cared if they got themselves off.

    I have a high libido and I also need to find out how much sex a guy is up for in his relationships. I’ve dated guys that only wanted to do the deed once a week because they were high-stress professional types. Others that couldn’t think of anything else and I started to feel like they had serious problems because it would interfere with other activities.

    But I don’t think there’s any magic number of dates or time sex should happen because if a guy is crazy about you, ready for a relationship and doesn’t have fomo about what he might have with his next swipe — and you also have sexual compatability — everything should work itself out. Be true to you and woman enough to face whatever happens after the choice is made and you’ll be just fine.

    #604174 Reply

    Ianthe

    # I would let them know that I am attracted and interested in sex with him, but I needed to get to know them a better. If a man has a problem with that, he is no dating prospect.#

    Ah! This is a very important factor and something I was going to comment on, having seen numerous posts from guys on various sites, who were posting because they were upset their current girlfriends are not having sex with them. Invariably all the male respondents believed it was because the ladies were not attracted it them and/or they were sleeping with someone else, whereas nearly all the female respondents understood why the girls wanted to wait. Therefore communicating desire and attraction is vitally important in this instance.

    I tend to agree most guys who truly want a relationship will wait provided this is the case.

    #604259 Reply

    Rachel

    My experience with this seems that guys that only want sex will push and push for it, and they turn me off so fast as it’s so blatant, that I tell them where to go as they’ve put me off. I’ve never done Fwb or ons even (maybe because I met my husband at the ridiculous age of 14 & were together until I was 36) I just don’t think I’m wired that way. That said, my now fiance has told me, more than once that he was glad I made him wait, he said that if i’d offered it earlier on it could have put him off as he’s always lived by the rules that if it’s offered to him easily it’s probably been offered to everyone else easily. We were exclusive at the point we first slept together but not boyfriend and girlfriend. He changed that after we slept together though, so I would agree that yes they can go so far emotiinally towards a relaruinship before sex, but that maybe the sexual compatability clinches it for them? (Either that or he made me his girlfriend to Lock me down after we’d done the deed! Who knows! Either way, respect yourself first and you won’t go far wrong

    #604289 Reply

    Sam

    I feel strongly you have to win a man heart first. And if you throw sex in too early it disrupts the balance. If a man is really into you emotionally then the rest will follow.

    I agree with one of the other posts above in that a man can have amazing sex with you, but not view you as anything more than a fwb.

    #604294 Reply

    Been there Done that

    Sex is very important in a relationship. You have to have the chemistry and have to enjoy each other in the bedroom. I was in a marriage for 13 years with no sexual chemistry. When I met my present BF, we were talking to each other for a month till we had sex. My BF claims that he saw everything he needed to see in me, was pretty sure in one month that he likes me and hence wanted to see if we are compatible in sex as well or not. We are now talking marriage. There are no ground rules of when to have sex, however there are ground rules of using your gut feeling and judging the man if he is on the same page as you or not. Early sex doesn’t throw away a relationship. Go with the flow and keep your guards up that’s all.

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