Communication


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This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Elvira 2 weeks ago.

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  • #836808 Reply

    table

    Hello. I think I am mostly posting for my own benefit, to clear my mind and vent a little. I would like to hear different perspectives as well.

    I dated a man for four months and we were official for two months. He abruptly ended it on Friday. He said it was because of irreconcilable incompatibilities, but then what he listed (and I have no reason to think he is not being honest) does not sound like anything insurmountable.

    So listen. I disagree on a philosophical fundamental level about it. I know that sounds silly for a ‘break up’ – I agree – and so I certainly didn’t say it to him. People can break up for any reason and don’t need permission from the break up-ee.

    He said that the way we talk to each other is the issue. Our communication. He thinks we should be more relaxed with each other by now, and be able to draw each other out (we are both introverts.)

    He said it felt like we fell into a rut. I think it was mostly COVID related, but also he never said anything to me about wanting to do anything other than what we were doing (hanging out at his place on the weekend, mostly.) I thought I was meeting his needs (to stay in, which he actually specifically requested at the beginning of the relationship.)

    I enjoyed myself and I enjoyed his company. We did do a few little date things (saw a play on Halloween, went for walks, travelled a couple of times out of town, etc.) but again, with COVID, we mostly stayed in, and it’s getting colder outside so a lot of outdoor things are out.

    All of that is to say he blamed our introversion and said we were incompatible because we didn’t open each other up. I didn’t know he was even unhappy. And honestly I think all we needed to do was talk about it.

    I know we could have practiced better communication, and I would have had I known it was bothering him. I know I get nervous and I’m not someone who so easily feels relaxed with someone I am getting to know and I don’t think we were at a point where we ‘should’ have been anything. Even with extroverts: they might get me outside and doing something, but I’m still going to be quiet until I really trust you. I think communication is a skill that can be improved upon with two people. Honestly, it just takes mindfully talking about it. I think there is little difference between finding someone with whom you can instantly open up but has other little things you have to work on vs working on communication with someone you are compatible with otherwise. He did note otherwise everything was fine between us. It just seems like a weird reason to me if we had no conflicts otherwise. I’m mostly hurt he didn’t talk about it with me first. He just…came over and ended things.

    This is the first time being ‘dumped’ so that sucks, too. I’ve only had two other relationships (both more serious & longer) and the first was mutual, and the second was me ending a draaawn out toxic relationship. So this hurts a little more than it might for most people, being only a two month relationship. I really had hopes for this and really saw us being together for longer than two months. Last month he asked to meet my parents and brought my mom flowers!

    What do you think? Were there more reasons he wasn’t telling me? He met someone else? Am I just dumb and boring? (Right now that’s where my mind keeps landing.)

    After the break up we talked a bit more. I felt sick, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. So the next day we talked about it (I cried all over him, embarrassing, but it was a dignified ‘ugh this sucks, but I am a human with feelings’ crying, not a needy begging ‘why don’t you love me, take me back’ crying) and the day after that we spent a day/evening together. We had a great time, talked easily, had no problems, we’re flirty, laughing, joking, amazing sex, and of course I’m thinking “what is your deal? what are you on about?” because this isn’t new behavior for us. Anyway, I feel better after that day together. My stomach is fine and I can eat today. I am in an indefinite no contact period with him now, my idea.

    Advice for feeling better? And I hate being dumped – the worst. I mean that’s what this is. Dumped. Like he came over and just was like “Pack your knives and leave.” I was tossed to the curb. Taken out like garbage. I was trash fish, the ones you throw back. Hooray for new experience!!

    #836813 Reply

    table

    I hate posting on the internet. I LOVE talking about my feelings, and I am now TERRIFIED somehow he or someone who knows him will find this and show him and they will laugh at me, laughingly. If that happens: Do not mock me. I am but a fragile emotional INFP. I do what I gotta do to dump out these feels.

    #836819 Reply

    Angie

    Disclaimer: I’m not one of the regular advice givers here…

    It sounds like he met himself an extrovert at some point… Though I could be mistaken

    #836833 Reply

    Zoe

    He dumps you and few days later you are laughing and having sex with him?
    Men dont respect this kind of behavior. It shows that you dont respect yourself
    Go 90 days no contact that’s the only way to save your dignity after this
    Start dating others

    #836841 Reply

    table

    Zoe, ouch! I doubt he thinks that at all. I explained to him clearly the boundaries and why I was there: I’d rather end everything on a high note than the poor memory of the break up. I was feeling very sick = beyond my control – and unable to eat or sleep. This is our body’s way of dealing with a sudden loss, we go into fight or flight; cortisol, a stress hormone, is released and blood rushes to our muscles. After spending the day/night, all of that calmed down and I can eat and sleep now and focus on moving on. I explained beforehand that the next day I would be going no contact. It was all very mature. I don’t think playing games to get people’s respect ever works. I am just true to myself and my feelings. He was completely great in handling that, even though it is not his job to do so.

    #836862 Reply

    Ss

    Its good that he spoke to you in person, that he gave you his reasons and although you don’t agree its clear that you’ve listened and are respecting his decision. Break up sex is rarely a good idea but if you felt it helped and aren’t expecting him to rekindle things just because you had sex then that’s all good.

    Men don’t always give reasons for breaking up and if they do they generally try and let women down gently. The communication thing is his reason but you must keep in mind that its probably not the only reason and that he may not even be able to articulate what his reasons are – just that he isn’t feeling “it” with you. You’ve done nothing wrong, you aren’t stupid or boring and no one will laugh at you.

    Its rubbish when someone decides you aren’t for them and you can really tear yourself up trying to work out what you did “wrong” when actually it’s nothing you did or didn’t do – its just that they don’t see a future. Men tend to make up their minds about 3/4 months into dating which fits your time line from when you met. It seems to me that he has just come to the conclusion he doesn’t want to pursue things further with you.

    Do what you are doing- no contact and moving on. It was positive he actually ended it rather than just disappeared

    Take care xx

    #836866 Reply

    Tallspicy

    We can’t answer your question. Men often don’t know why they lose feelings and you need to see who he is. He said… we don’t communicate, but in actuality, he does not and does not know how to repair. He is not a good partner if that is the case.

    Lick your wounds, be nice to you, fix what you want to fix about yourself and realize the world replaces things with something as good or better!

    #836877 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Agree with the others, it sounds like he just didn’t feel “it” with you and that can be hard to articulate. It’s very common after 3-4 months of dating for men to take stock and decide if they see a long term future with the woman they’re with. If you read this forum you’ll see a lot of posts from women who’ve been dating a guy for 3-4 months and he dumps them, or starts pulling away, or ghosts them (thank goodness this guy at least had the decency to have a conversation with you).

    About meeting your mother, some people don’t take that as seriously as others do– I dated a guy who took me to a big family BBQ on our 3rd date. At the time I thought it was a huge statement on the potential he saw with me. He dumped me about a month later. So just accept that some folks are very casual about bringing people around their family, and it’s not a statement of undying love that some guy meets your parents or introduces you to his early on. You have to look at the big picture.

    Anyway it’s normal to go back and ruminate over the past few months and try to figure out where you went wrong, but it doesn’t do any good. You and this guy simply were not a match, ultimately. Don’t think of yourself as dumb and boring. I will say the introvert/introvert combo might not be ideal– I’m an extrovert, and my bf is an introvert, and we compliment each other very well. He brings out good latent qualities in me, and I bring out good latent qualities in him. Relationships are more complicated than labels, though, so just saying that it didn’t work because you were both introverts is too general. I’m sure there are some introvert couples who do just fine. Take some time for yourself to heal and don’t beat yourself up over things, it just didn’t work out this time.

    #836880 Reply

    Elvira

    Hi sorry you are going through this I know it is hard especially when we feel everything has been progressing pretty good. I agree with the others that you didn’t do anything wrong or could have fixed his feelings for the breakup. From what you describe it seems things were going according to his needs and wants and you were simply taking things slow. Unfortunately his comment about being in a rut appears to me that he was expecting to be “over the moon” at this point. However, when things go too fast they burn out quickly. Is he looking for a serious relationship to happen right away? It seems he is looking to have things move very quickly. Did you have conversations on what each of you wanted as far as relationships? The majority on this forum believe that at the 3-4 month mark the man knows whether or not he wants to continue the relationship and it appears this is what happened here. You are correct that had he explained this before it could have opened the door to a discussion on how to work on it, but he took the easy way out. His reasons could be he wants a break to see if he is truly interested or he could want to date others. At this point trying to decipher his whys are not going to help. Going no contact is your best bet and if it is meant to be it will come back.
    I had a similar experience years ago. I was dating a man for a few months and then he decided he didn’t want to move so quickly. So I stepped back and stopped communication for several months. He came back later telling me I was someone he really enjoyed being with and he was scared because I had been the first person he really liked after his divorce. I gave it another chance but at this point I felt different and I called it off. A few months later I met someone else who had no conflictions on wanting to be with me. So you will feel better and you will realize that it is out of our control who we ending up falling for.

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