Cheating accusations!!


Home Forums Break Up Advice Cheating accusations!!

  • This topic has 19 replies and was last updated 1 month ago by Maddie.
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  • #943648 Reply
    Aria

    I will go straight to the point. I (29F) have been with my bf (30M) for 5 years. It’s been 3 whole years this man has been accusing me of cheating, yet he can’t tell me how or with whom I’m cheating with. It has come to a point where going places is a nightmare and I just rather stay home. During those three years I found out that HE was the one cheating. I broke up with him but our toddler made me reconsider and stay. But ever since he thinks I will seek revenge on him and will not stop accusing me. Everything is an argument. From the clothes I wear to even going to work. Apparently I have to be selective on the types of panties I wear too so it doesn’t say I’m attention seeking. He is the one who cheated yet I am the one that has to report my whereabouts. I did everything to help this relationship. I changed my number. I have no social media. I offer him my phone like an open book. I go to work, pick up my kid from day care and go straight home. I haven’t had a girls night in years. While he doesn’t tend to picking up our son, he goes straight from work to chilling with his buddies, comes home around 7:30pm. Will never give me his phone. He goes to all the shows and outings as he wishes. While I’m home, with the baby, doing chores. I have asked him to take me out sometimes and his excuse is, he doesn’t feel comfortable going out with me when someone I might be cheating on him with will see us and he’ll be the laughing stalk!! Like seriously!! I am the clown then if I have to show my face to the number of women out there he cheated on me with. I called that BS and tagged along to one of his chilling time and I think it was only to show me how out of place I felt in his circle. He paid no attention to me. Had his back turned the whole time. It was so awkward that I do not want to tag along with him anywhere. We only attend family events together. Also he expects me to be ready for sex whenever he seeks it but whenever I mention an emotional connection, or be touched in a non sexual way he says I don’t want sex because I am cheating. I am losing my sanity with this man and the only thing making me stick around is for the love of my son who absolutely adores his father. He doesn’t spend that much time with him as I would like but my son misses him I guess. But today we just had a moment when we just had sex last night and we were doing good. Told him I miss him and he said he misses me too. But during the day he texted me something about he doesn’t trust me and we had a trip planned for my birthday this June and he said he’s not up for doing anything like that anymore. I realized that I am just wasting my time with a person that doesn’t want to have a happy relationship. He will forever be this way no matter how good we are for a day. I can’t hang out with him, I can’t hang out with my friends. He doesn’t want an emotional connection with me so why are we even in a relationship?? He also says I am showing all the signs of cheating. Am I crazy?! Also we live together.

    #943649 Reply
    AngieBaby

    You’re not losing your sanity, you’re handing it over willingly.

    I almost guarantee he’s still cheating. Only a very guilty person acts the way he acts. But you think you’re the crazy one?? Oh sweetie, NO.

    Your son will soon be old enough to pick up on the unhealthy dynamic. You want your son to be just like his dad? Stay there. Keep sacrificing yourself. He’ll learn that it’s OK to abuse women. And you’ll find as he gets older he has no respect for you either.

    Stop acting like you have no choices and this is all for your son. One of you needs to move out and you need to file for full custody of your son. This isn’t a relationship, this is masochism on your part. Reclaim your life. You and your son will be much better off the sooner you step up for yourself and stop playing this insane game with a cheating manipulator.

    #943651 Reply
    Raven

    You have put up with this for 3 years?!

    You are setting a really bad example for your son. He’s learning how to treat women & you.

    Get out now.

    #943652 Reply
    Maddie

    In addition to what the others said, it’s never worth it to stay with someone you can’t trust, and he has shown you over and over he can’t be trusted.

    He also controls, gaslights, and emotionally abuses you. He will do the same to your son at some point. Not accusing him of cheating, but something warped that will negatively impact the kid even more than what he’s currently learning by example about treating women and treating you.

    #943655 Reply
    Ewa

    Yes I agree with others, he is the one still cheating on you

    #943656 Reply
    Aria

    I know I need to break this up. I just don’t know how to begin. I feel manipulated. I feel like he’s playing mind games and I definitely feel his guilt because it seems he always want to start an argument out of nothing so we don’t talk for a while until he will accuse me of cheating because it’s just too strange that I’m not asking for sex. It’s eating away at me.

    #943657 Reply
    AngieBaby

    You get support of friends and family and find a counselor and/or a domestic abuse support group if you need extra support, you get a lawyer or fill out the papers to get full custody, you figure out if you’re leaving or he’s leaving and then you sit him down and tell him this is over. And you carry out the plan. Doesn’t matter what he thinks of you, or does or says. You no longer care if he thinks you’re cheating. This relationship is over. Period. And you stick to your guns. And if he harasses you, you warn him you will have to call the police and then you do it if he keeps it up. You document EVERYTHING from now on. This isn’t going to be easy. But you can’t go on the way you are. Well, you can. But the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

    #943658 Reply
    AngieBaby

    Only YOU can take back your power. You’re being manipulated because you’re going along with being manipulated. So stop thinking, talking and behaving like a victim with no choices.

    #943659 Reply
    AngieBaby

    If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your son.

    #943661 Reply
    Mary

    Why are you in this? It is unhealthy and will mot change.

    #943693 Reply
    Aria

    So now that I’ve said I’m done and that we’re breaking up he’s telling me he doesn’t want me to go. That he gets jealous and suspicious precisely because he does not want to lose me. But he said that if I still want to go he won’t stop me. So when I mentioned how about he gives me some transparency and some emotional connection he just doesn’t respond to that. He has come to me physically but I have expressed my needs for some space to think. So he has and Friday and Saturdays he ordered some of my favourite meals and has stayed home the whole day when before he always had somehwere to be. Today is Sunday and of course I don’t have an issue if he wants to go meet his friends and I don’t feel like I really care where he goes anymore. But I’ve been thinking about things and I feel stuck still. I know there won’t be any of the kind of change I seek but it is so hard to make the decision. Because if I leave here there won’t be any turning back and it kind of scares me.

    #943694 Reply
    Maddie

    Why should he let you go when you allow all his bad behavior with little pushback? It’ll take effort for him to find someone else who will tolerate that. Don’t buy into his continued manipulation, but be safe.

    The most dangerous time in abusive relationships is when the abused partner tries to leave. That is beyond the expertise of this board, but you can do an internet search for free and local resources for women trying to leave abusive relationships / domestic violence situations. They can help keep you and your son safe.

    #943695 Reply
    AngieBaby

    This is exactly what abusers do – they gaslight you and dig the hooks in a littler deeper and love bomb you. This is expected behavior in the abuse cycle. This will last a few weeks and he will be right back to the same old same old that’s been going on for THREE YEARS. He is NOT GOING TO CHANGE. You’re going to waste more years of your life and your son is getting older and will start to understand what’s going on in your household and be damaged by it.

    You haven’t yet made up your mind to stop the abuse and LEAVE yet. Please seek help in person. There’s nothing more we can do for you here and if you just keep posting here you’re going to stay in this cycle, most likely.

    PLEASE GET HELP AND GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND THE RELATIONSHIP. YOU ARE LIVING IN EMOTIONAL AND VERBAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND YOU ARE DEALING WITH BATTERED WOMAN ISSUES, which also occur if you aren’t being physically abused.

    #943703 Reply
    Aria

    So I’ve left today. I moved to my parents house temporarily. I feel terrible though. Has anyone been in this situation and got through okay? According to my ex, he’s a mess. I haven’t responded to any of his messages. My son so far haven’t been asking for him, but I know in the morning he will. I know I did the right thing. I’ve given this man a lot of patience and I’ve voiced out everything. But I feel absolutely sad. I’m not mad at him nor do I hate him. But I am so sad. I know in my heart and the logical side of my brain that nothing was ever going to change. I was going to be there just for the sake of it. Him putting me last, yet claims he cannot trust me, possibly might be cheating again, no help with the house or our son. No emotional connection, no fruition of the many addressed concerns. Still it’s hurting me. Anybody with the same experience can share their story and outcomes to help me keep strong?

    #943704 Reply
    Maddie

    Good for you! As a temporary low effort step, you can try looking though the website Baggage Reclaim. But if you have access to a therapist or other local domestic abuse resources, you should really consider following through on pursuing those for the sake of really improving things for you and your son. If you can truly start to see your own value and confront whatever trauma led you to this guy in the first place, then you won’t want to go back.

    And still speak to a lawyer to make sure there won’t be any custody surprises.

    #943705 Reply
    AngieBaby

    Congratulations on taking the first giant step towards putting yourself and your son first and reclaiming your life! That was huge. Good work. I echo Maddie – get support and get legal counsel.

    You are going through a very normal grieving process and the way through is to feel it and allow it. I walked away from a guy whose ex was just too much an active part of his life and he didn’t take it lying down. He actively tried to get me back. He’d tell me he’d leave me alone and then not 48 hours later would be contacting me telling me how much he missed me and that he’d make his ex go away yada yada and he’d do anything for me. I fell for it twice and the third time I held firm and cut him off everywhere. I wish I’d just gotten to a counselor right away and stuck to my guns the first time around. About 90 days after I got out, I saw very clearly how bad he was for me and I was past it – that was with zero contact. You have to deal with him over your son. I’d recommend getting a lawyer to handle that if at all possible so you can get a total break that you need to grieve and start healing so you can move on.

    Straight up – this is going to hurt and feel bad for a while and you will miss him, the good parts of him and the habit of the companionship. And also, your son will want his daddy, that will cause you some conflict I’m sure. Hang in there, it WILL get better, I promise!! You have 100% done the right thing. It took a lot of courage and I’m happy for you.

    #943708 Reply
    Aria

    Thank you AngieBaby for sharing. It gives me some reassurance esp the part about giving chances more than twice having it turn out the same disaster. That resonated.

    To be honest I’ve been going through this so much before, like an emotional roller coaster that at this moment I don’t miss him like I thought I would. He’s still calling and texting but I’m not responding still. Is that okay to not respond or should I tell him to stop? I know we have to talk at some point due to us having a child together but I feel I am prepared to deal with that soon but not right now.

    I was feeling sad, but I know I did what was best. And the part about finding a lawyer. Let’s just say that I don’t think that would be necessary. He knows he can’t take away our child from me. He won’t be able to care for him like I do to be there 24/7 giving up his whole schedule to care for him. That’s just not happening. I know for a fact. He really would rather the kid is with me. And counselling for my mental health is not a bad idea I will look into that.

    #943709 Reply
    Gaia

    I’ll tell you now everything you think you know about him is probably wrong. He will try to take the child because it will effect you and hurt you. He will do everything in his power to make you look like the one at fault/in the wrong for leaving him. That’s what his type does.

    Get a lawyer or fill out the custody and child support papers yourself. In my home state of PA you can do that without a lawyer but you will need to go for mediation to determine custody/visitation.

    I thought my ex would “never” do a lot of things and he did all of them and more. Don’t wait for him to make the first moves. Protect yourself and do it first.

    #943710 Reply
    AngieBaby

    Tell him in writing you only want to talk about matters regarding your son, not about your relationship which is now over, and tell him it must be done via text or email(you want a record of the communications, you don’t need to tell him that). And get a lawyer ASAP to file for sole custody with visitation for your ex. Gaia is right, you never know what he’ll do. At some point you’ll be OK talking with him if he’s being reasonable but that will probably take a while.

    And I’m really glad my story helped. I wish I hadn’t taken three times to get it through my head he wasn’t going to change and it was permanently over.

    #943711 Reply
    Maddie

    I agree with the ladies advising you don’t know what your ex will do and get a lawyer anyway. I have a friend whose troubled ex left her alone for several years after she had their baby. He had no interest in a little kid, she made being a single mom work and it was okay. Except, after the kid was older, the ex suddenly reappeared and took my friend to court looking to share custody, which he won. The ex is still a mess so split custody hasn’t been good for the kid (it was more about hurting her than about wanting to help care for or spend time with their kid), plus it cost money to suddenly need to fight in court. Don’t put yourself in the position for something like that to happen one day.

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