Being the Other Woman

VR, what strikes me most of all you’ve said here is this: “I know he is a liar, but I truly believe deep down he is a good man.” But you know, betting on potential is like betting on a dead horse. How long would you bear to wait for him to fulfill his potential? What would you give in order for that to happen and what would you have to compromise in the meanwhile? Would the balance of effort, commitment and trust be acceptable to you? I think it’s great to believe all people are essentially good, I really do value than in a person. But it doesn’t mean you should give up or compromise your own happiness. I know this sounds pessimistic but somehow I don’t see this guy living up to the potential you see in him.

Dear Other Woman! Emotional pain is very hard to deal with. We have all been there and I can completely understand why you were seeking for advice anywhere possible. It hurts so much you will do anything to make it stop. Please when you see another dumb, pathetic, judgmental response – do yourself a favor. Stop reading. I can’t even imagine what kind of God-awful lowlife woman will write what I just read in many of the responses. Please remember – those who tell you to “gain dignity”,or repeat cliches presented by Dr. Phil 30 years ago like ” cheats WITH you, will CHEAT ON you” – give you one message and one message only – they are bitter, probably unattractive, boring women with very low compassion levels that got probably dumped and cheated on A LOT because they obviously have very little to offer.GOOD NEWS – don’t feel bad, it says nothing about you or your situation. BAD NEWS – only a perfect idiot will tell you “the truth”, because even if we knew you well, there are so many factors involved – even educated guess is impossible. I am afraid there are no answers, no guarantees, no rules. Men are not exceptionally complicated, but there are no user manual about what they ALWAYS do or don’t do.Please please stay away from heartless, judgmental, miserable people. Try to observe your guy closely and understand who are you dealing with and figure out the person behind your admiration,if you can see a good therapist – do it.Accept all help you can get from people who are genuinely willing to help. I have been happily married for 20 years, I have 2 boys and I can tell you honestly I am a very attractive woman (men are interested in me everywhere I go). The only 2 things I can advise you – invest in yourself, look insanely hot, be fun, practice your sex techniques. Don’t talk, nag, moralize,show hostility (not sexy!) and you will be fine. It seems horrible now,please trust me though – before marriage and kids men are pretty replaceable. Good luck!!!!

Thank you Anna

RCS is absolutely correct. It is the price you have to pay to find and keep true love–the price of taking the risk, taking the gamble that he does love you back and with patience you will have true love.

The price of not taking the risk is never knowing if that was the last chance you had true love and then learning to live with the regret that “if only I hadn’t been so fearful”, “If only I had trusted in him, had patience to see it through and not rush to a safe but unhappy decision”…

That’s what you have to weigh in your mind and make your decision based on that…

Although I have cheated in the past, I do not condone being the “other woman”, and I never have been myself. I would never try to interfere in someone else’s relationship and I do think it’s wrong. However, I also feel that things will work out the way they are meant to; in a lot of cases affairs don’t turn into real relationships, but in some cases they do, although it is not common. But keep in mind that just because some people were able to graduate from being the other woman to being the gf/wife, it does not mean that will be your same fate. So looking for stories that confirm what you want to believe isn’t totally realistic. There is a reason why many people say such things as “if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you”, etc. It is because that is the case a lot of time.

Take for example Kelsey Grammar. He was married to his first wife, cheated on her and left her for Camille Grammar, who he then cheated on later in their marriage and left her too for another woman. I call something like that karma, and I’m sure it was a hard lesson for Camille to learn.

Just be careful. It may work out for you, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Just be prepared and strong enough to walk away.

VR, it’s really, really simple. This man doesn’t love you OR the his other GF. When a man loves a woman, he wants to make her HAPPY. He doesn’t do things that make her feel weak, vulnerable or insecure. He goes out of his way to reassure her that she is the ONLY one he loves. He doesn’t say or do anything to risk having her leave him, or date other men. It is really that simple.

He’s happily stringing you BOTH along, getting love, attention & sex from you each. You ladies are competing with one another for this ‘prize’ of a man. You demean yourself willingly in your bid to get him to ‘pick’ you. It’s a winning situation for HIM, you both provide him with all the validation he could possibly want, and it’s entirely at the expense of your self-respect.

You say this man is near 60; I assume you are in the same age bracket. You are far too old (and far too smart) to continue on in this situation. You say that you KNOW this man is a liar. He proved that to you already. WHY do you suddenly think that he will be different once you GET him? It won’t be. It will be more of the same. ALL of the things that he has told you about his other GF will be the same things he tells the next other other woman about YOU. There is no such thing as an honest cheater. All cheaters lie to some extent or the other.

To answer your original question, SOMETIMES men leave for their mistresses. In my personal experience, the 3 instances that I know of, the man cheats on the mistress. In one case, I think it’s b/c the rationale is that the mistress ALREADY knew he was a cheater and a liar. My friend married his mistress. He isn’t allowed to go ANYWHERE w/o her. Why? BC she knows he’s a cheater. She remembers what she helped him do to his first wife and it seems VERY clear that she expects that he will do the same thing to her. I’d give those odds 99%.

I’d completely disregard any advice of the OW on here. The lack of self-esteem and self-delusion that comes across in their posts is palpable. Normal, emotionally healthy people do not WILLING put themselves in, or STAY in, situations where they KNOWINGLY compete for another’s partner. It is demeaning and soul-sucking trying to convince another that you are worth it to be the ONLY one. If the cheater thought that you were the person they wanted to be with, they’d show you the respect of ENDING their current relationship BEFORE starting one with you.

It’s entirely common sense. The reason you feel ill at ease in this situation, VR, is BC you know it’s wrong. Whatever mental gymnastics you put yourself thru still aren’t enough to overcome the fact that you know you are on the losing end of things. Go find a man who loves YOU and ONLY you.

I want to take a minute to thank everyone who responded to my “out-cry” and let you know that I am still struggling (I wish I could be as strong as some women).
I pray that one day the feelings I have for this man will just disappear and/or I will wake up and the emptiness that I have when I think about him being out of my life will not be there.
I am trying very hard to live in the moment.
Hugs to all

I two am the other woman.. It he is also the other man. I work in a heavy male dominated work place. We first were just friends actually a group of us became friends. I never expected to feel this way for someone even before we hooked up. We would have conversations about work and he was trying to help me better my self at my new job. He quite innocently touched me on my arm at a lunch table and he sent a chill through me. I’d never felt that ever for anyone. I few week’s later we were together again at a bar with coworker’s. I decided to drink and ask if one of the guys would be the DD. He excerpted. He also sat beside me. When he took my keys I again felt this massive chill run through me. I again ignored it knowing both of us were married. The third time I noticed it we were in a work truck our whole group we were fixing something in the truck when I was holding something and he reached in a tickled me. Again this incredible feeling took over me.
I had to talk to him about it as every time I saw him I wanted him to touch him. I wanted him close and I didn’t want to wreck our friendship with each other or our friends. He knew my hone situation I knew his. My husband was sexually and finically abusive. His wife cold. Neither of us had sex on a regular bases with our spouse. I avoided it and she was cold, with him and has no compassion He stop trying with her and had his own room. I had a couch.
We talk several times a day through text we talking on the phone for hours at a time. He is always trying to make me feel better about myself lift me up.

When we first got together we talked about it set ground rules. No talking while the other was at home. Which he broke two months into the relationship. When his brother died. He said all I wanted was to talk to you. My dad also just passed a week before that’s when I broke the rule aand called him from home when my dad died. He was all I wanted and needed to console me. He actually found a way to spend with me while I was several miles away. He was there holding me while I brbroke down.
We both agree we cannot afford a divorce. He talks about how comfirable we are together. How he misses me and blows kisses over the phone. How he wishes he would have meet me first. I wish these things too.
My problems are three..
I saw sleeping on night when hr started to touch me, I told loved it and before I knew it I told him I loved him. Yicks. Then a few weeks later I said it again when we got off the phone. He said it back I was shocked. I try not to tell him since I don’t want him to feel pushed. Is this right or wrong?
I know were both over the moon for each other. But I. Just don’t want to make him feel pushed.
The other is when we disagree we both are hot heads. But he does something to avoid a fight that hurts every time he does. Were on the phone and he just says talk later and hangs up. He does answer if I call him back. He says he just needs the time to calm down and think. He know s I don’t like confrontion.
Is this healthy?
The last problem is he k ows how to twisted me emotionally. He will say …OK fine we don’t have to ever have sex again. He knows I want him all the time. For the last ten years I have never wanted sex. He will do other things just small ones to see my reactions. He will laugh and then kiss me…I’m only playing with you honey he will say.
I know this but he does it so well. Is this effection., what is tthis? Why does he do it?

Take it from someone who was the other woman and “won.” Karma comes back and bites you. I look back at it now and shake my head.

Walk away now because you deserve better. I promise. :)

You sound like a overly infatuated love sick puppy. Make sure this guy is worth it. Personally I think you need a good reality check to come out of this fog

First Of all you are more infatuated with the potential of this man, you are getting carried away by the novelty, and the secrecy of hiding this relationship, you probably think in your mind, oh it’s me and him against the world, and we love each other so much we will have each other backs etc.

I get the feeling that you are way more invested in this man and you have so much more to lose, the woman almost always does.

What do you know about his relationship with his real girlfriend?

You do come across as a love sick puppy dog, I see it all the time in my line of work as a counselor. You say ever time you see this guy you want him to touch you, you are already getting much too dependent on this man, who in reality belong to someone else.

Dont you are so happy and pretend you don’t see the writing on the wall, if you want to pretend even though you are old enough to see that this will not last, you insists in carrying on as if three is some future in it for you and him.

This man is playing you, and is not being fair to his girlfriend.Hope you will take it well, when he breaks it off with you and do the right thing by his woman.

btw, a one sided lover gives to much and always get you know what end of the stick. detach yourself, go out with friends, meet new people and increase your options.

As a matter of fact, the weakest person is also the biggest winner because she will forever be free from this guy… Assuming he won’t change his mind down the road.