Being the Other Woman

Thank you V! You just said your truth and it shines a whole lot brighter than the lies spread by women who have drank too much liberal/feminist koolaid.

They are the “sheeples” of this world..always believing in all the stupidity that is on the nightly network news and shows like “The View”…no wonder they are miserable.

I am overwhelmed how this subject makes some people so angry. I was prepared for a barrage of judgment. I am accepting of everyone’s opinion. I don’t want to make myself out to be a sap or a push-over, because I am not. But there has to be something said honestly about loving someone. And having your heart broken. And forgiving someone. I wanted to know if there could be a chance in hell that it could work out for me??? I cannot judgment someone else unless I have walked in their shoes, and I was hoping to find women that have walked in mine, and it turned out to be ok. Being on here and reading some of the emails that I get from Eric and Sabrina, has helped a lot, but they have not covered this subject directly.

Hello dear,

I have been the other woman once to a, still I think great guy, But he was married with a child almost baby. What happened was that I feel for him and also took kinda advantage of him to from time to time because I had some hard times and he was a great listener with best advice I ever got. Well I knew from the start he has a wifr and a child and also I knew he would never leave them. And I had plans for my future, which leads me to another country. This plans have always been more important than being with him. He told me he is so sad we didn’t meet earlier and if he had a woman like me, he wouldn’t feel miserable to cheat. It ended with I fullfilled my plans sucsessfully by leaving my country but still when I think about him I am happy to had a time with him. I saw him as a live teacher and not as some fantasy future matirial. He never said he loved me but he said with tears in his eyes that he hate me. And I think after all clichees and whatever bad things. The emotions were deep whatever was it love or not. Well this might doesn’t give you any advice at all. I just say trust your guts and put yourself on a right place where you not feel hurt. I never felt hurt by the married man.

VR,

Here’s what bothers me about this situation beyond what others have posted. She has only “been his” a year longer than you have.

You knew him decades ago. It’s not like she is his wife of decades, mother of his children, or is dealing with some horrible chronic illness where she couldn’t survive without his support. It’s not like his family and her family have some history and arrangement that makes this couple’s relationship vital to the success of both families. Nothing. No special circumstances that would make it more difficult for him to leave her.

He is totally free and able to choose 1 of you, but he won’t. It’s cowardly and selfish on his part, and that would be enough to send me out the door. His excuses may placate you, and I won’t judge you for that….it would just never be enough for me.

You’re the other woman now, if he decided to be the almighty and choose you then one day you will have another “the other woman” to worry about.

This makes no sense honey. I do not judge any woman that decides to help a man cheat on another but that’s something HE is doing wrong and will most likely do it again, that talks about his character and his lack of integrity.

Do you want a man that lacks integrity???

Hannah
At first, he said he was exclusive with me, but when I found out the truth about her, I knew he was not being truthful. He still isn’t. I just found out another lie tonight. I know what I need to do. She found about me about a year ago, and has continued to see him too. I feel with every fiber of my being that she does not know he and I are still seeing each other. I know I need to be strong about this and walk away, but every time I’ve tried I feel line my heart is going to break in two. I really want to tell her the truth again about him.

Hi VR, I don’t think it depends on whether you’re the first girlfriend or the other woman. The man’s choice will depend on the situation itself, how much he loves you/the other one, and how much are you willing to accept your situation and fight for him.

We can’t blame anyone here because the dynamics of a relationship between a man and a woman is solely between the two, so they alone can understand whatever is going on between them. We can only give our opinions.

In this case, I think you should assess if you accept him for who he is (cheating, lying and all) and if you’re prepared to fight for him, no matter what happens–which means you’re also prepared to accept it should he decide to go back to the other one.

My ex husband chose the other woman.

Does this example of a man walking away from a 16-year relationship and breaking the hearts of two young children validate you?

I say this with much respect, but if he will cheat on her, he will cheat on you. You will age, you will look different in your life… he doesn’t know how to appreciate what he has, so he’ll never fully appreciate you once you become mundane to him.

I have a few things to add VR, think about it twice when someone says that he does not want to hurt either one of you because now instead he is hurting both of you! My ex fiancee said the same things. Also, if someone is sure and absolutely sure that they love you, they will want to be only with you and believe me that men are selfish enough and women too for that matter, that they can tell a person that they are not interested. It is not even selfish if you think about it but letting that person go and find the ONE, the person that truly loves them. So, no, he is not sure about anything, he is happy and content with the situation as it is with its drawbacks as well.

About giving him the ultimatum, I feel that it should be given beforehand. I failed to do so. You did not do that either. Both of us felt head over heels. But ultimatums at this point may or may not help. I did it after a couple of months, I have him one month and he chose me. Who did I win though? We had about two months of awesome honeymoon and after that it became that I was just no longer that interesting and when it came to everyday life I did not measure up to her in his opinion. He could never get over his guilt feelings and even though he and even his therapist said he had never loved her, I think that somewhere he profoundly loved her, even if he was never in love with her but truly loved her as a person.

I really really caution you to make a decision on how much he loves you based on signs suggested here like spying on you. My ex fiancee did that as well. Of course, he has her living with him, he can control her all the time but yet I was not living with him so he could not control me. It is simply controlling behavior which is not good or healthy in my opinion. Also, cheaters also worry that they will be cheated on since they of course think the way they are.

You have to remember that there always is a strong bond between this man and his lady. Only very few are able to break that bond for something more exciting which will then also become an everyday, and to them, boring relationship. Yes, there are those that can but even if he does, what will you be getting? The dynamics of the relationship are set, which is that you need him, you are chasing him emotionally and this is not very likely to change.

If he then decides to dump you and trust me the person that was insanely in love with me and vice versa was able to do that to me, you may just really hit rock bottom. It is far better if you decide to move on yourself but you will need tons of strength not to fall back even if you can break away.

The fact that you have found out about another lie and also that she knows nothing about you is telling me that he is choosing her already since he is afraid that if she finds out she will leave him. He is telling you because he knows that no matter what he has you. Not good.

Please do yourself the favor of not contacting her and humiliating and hurting yourself only further. You should do a clean break and NC, see what happens but NC for sure for at least a month and you should never ever initiate contact.

So happy for you Jojo also. This is so rare but your case is also different because it had been a long marriage and no sexual relationship. Even then, only the strongest can go through this and I so relate, I remember those nights, 99 % spent alone wondering how he is with her, what they are doing, etc. Ok, I must add in our case it was also because of his son, a grownup person that did not want his father to be in love. If there are complicating factors, it is likely to ruin the relationship and you know in life there almost always are complicating factors. Even for Jojo it was the NC that finally led to her man making a decision.

Walk and give it space and time. Ok, easier said than done. I agree that these type of relationships are like burning fire, huge flame, addictions, the man is exactly like a drug and I know in my case I could never ever imagine being able to break free, I could only think of winning him. Today having been there I think differently and I see that this type of sticking my head in the sand and think that I need to win him no matter, will get me where I got, which is heartbroken to the core and having to rebuild my life.

Oops, sorry

Not yep, yet she…

And culture… Anne Coulter…

A woman famous for being completely unable to keep a man.

It is just a sad complicated situation at all levels. When feelings are involved logic goes through the window, I agree with a lot of the comments from posters who have given a bit of their own experiences and the impact it had on them.

I truly believe that while a man or woman can become emotionally involved with someone else outside of their relationship, it takes a man or woman of integrity to do the right thing.

A cheater will always be a cheater,that’s just how it is, there is nothing special about the person who is allowing him or her to cheat, because sooner or later they will move on with the next person who enable them to cheat.

At the age of 58, you will be left old and alone without a true companion who you can spend the rest of your life with. This man is married and has a responsibility to fix what is wrong in his marriage (who knows) and give his wife the dignity she deserves to make her own choices. Men who cheat are cowards who lack integrity. Many women see extra-material affairs as winning or some kind of competition,please remember this, as women age, there chances in dating decreases that is just how society is,while men can continue to date younger women and continue to do whatever they want. Stop wasting precious time with a man who is already in a committed relationship, find someone who can be in a relationship with you on equal terms.

Misty/Mistral, I agree with Lenore and Talllady that you appear to be a very angry and hateful older woman who lashes out a anyone who does not agree with you beliefs and personal theories. I get a sense that you lack good moral values and wants to shove them down the throats of poster on this forum. I imagine you to be a lonely older woman with a lot of regrets, but you put on a facade and may even be fooling yourself. Check yourself lady.

JR: Yes, he was married before for about 13 years. I was too about 21 years.

He said in the beginning that he “didn’t want to be in a full-time all –time relationship with anyone” did I listen, NO, of course not. As the years went on, I began to believe when he said “if it would be with anyone, it would be you.”
Now that I know about her and their relationship, I begin to feel like I’m not good enough. I have tried to date others, but somehow, they never measure up to what I want. Yes, this man does fill something that I need, but no, it is not enough to be the “side person”. I feel he is a kind of drug, and I feel like my heart will break if he is not in my life. Sappy, I know, but truthful. Everyone tells me that when I have had enough, I will know and be able to walk away. But I have HAD enough, and I don’t know how to walk away. I believe in the NC rule, but it doesn’t seem to work, for either one of us.

JoJo – I am happy for you, and a little envious.

No, I am not sure contacting her is a good idea, although I have always wanted it to be on an even playing field. When she found out before, she just forgave him, and stayed with him and keeps her head in the sand. Because he lies to me to protect her, and she does not know that he still contacts and sees me. She believes that I contact him only, and he responds to my calls. I am positive he would hate me anyway if I told her again about me and him. Sometimes that doesn’t matter, but in truth it does.

RedcurlySue: Thank you for your straight forward comments. No, I don’t in the depth of me soul believe it will go anywhere with him. Even though I really would love for it to. I know he is a liar, but I truly believe deep down he is a good man. But I am honestly not sure how to remove myself from this and protect my heart from breaking???

Being the other woman can work. Not that I’m condoning it, I just know examples that have ended up with people spending the rest of their lives together. But in those situations they knew they were the other woman. They were never lied to and betrayed. I think that makes a big difference.

Please don’t stay with someone out of fear of being alone. I know it will be painful, particularly to start with, but you’re going to carry on the suffering all the time you stay and will then have to go through it anyway. I’m sure in a few months you’ll feel better than you have in ages not having all this worry, pain and stress. I’ve been through something similar and was surprised how soon I felt ok again

And 58 is nothing! My dad found love again at 70 after my mum died!