This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Julie 4 months ago.
January 23, 2022 at 10:56 am #930834
Hello, I’m writing because my boyfriend who I’ve been in a relationship with for 2.4 years has started to become distant. We have also lived together for 1.5 years. I just read the “What Happens when you stop worrying about your relationship” article and feel that I have defiantly fallen into the worry, chasing and panicking mode. I want to stop caring about the relationship as the article suggests but don’t know how to do that when we live together.
I should probably give you a little history on us as well…Our relationship has been a little unique. When we first met he had gone back to school and wasn’t currently working. Him going back to school was one thing that attracted me to him because at 39 not many people try to follow their dream. He finished the course 4 months after we met and started looking for work and this is when Covid started. In June of 2020 he moved in with me. He did finally find employment but only lasted a couple months then a very close family member of his got covid and ended up passing away at the end of last year. This put him into a deep depression. He has gotten this under control but there were some times where it was just bad. Earlier this year i took a new job that is 100% remote and was great at the beginning but now not having people around has taken a toll on me. A few months ago he did get a new job and has been doing great there. So back in November everything seemed great he even texted me while i was out of town for work saying we need to have more sex, I agreed with that text.
He started to become distant back in December. Where he was on his phone more and he also started spending more time in his man cave. I also started to see text notifications from a girl….what those conversations are I don’t know. So of course with all this my mind went to “his going to break up with me”. So of course my mood and actions have been off and I haven’t been myself. Then I saw that he sent her money and his explanation was that she’s short on cash, doesn’t have any family or friends and she is in a really bad relationship and I’m just trying to be nice. He has been more open about this situation as he has stated that she has asked for more money and I said i can’t give her any more money and now she doesn’t communicate as much only when she needs something. So again my mind is off because of all this.
I knew i had to stop thinking about this because it was driving me crazy and with the new year I decided I was going to “love” myself and start doing thing that I once loved but fell out of because of Covid and stuff. So i signed up for a new gym and have been trying to make some new friends so it doesn’t seem like “we” have to do everything together. I’ve been trying to keep my mind off the relationship and just living life but then at the same time he makes jealous comments like “your going to the gym to hang out with your male trainer” I said I don’t need a trainer. If i want to go out with the girls or just by myself he seems to get jealous. Now everyone at his favorite bar knows me he feels like he needs to find a new bar.
We have had some serious conversations about our relationship recently but I finally got him to listen when he jokinly said “how much time do I have” and replied well I’ve been thinking about that. This conversation was earlier this week. But randomly he will call me when he is at work or will want to know what I’m doing on my days off (we have different days off).
He’s expressed that he wants to be in this relationship and he replied to a text yesterday “love you too” but he’s still distant and I HAVE to stop the panicking mode. Any suggestions or feedback on how to do that when living together and not dating would be great.
Thanks you!!!!January 23, 2022 at 12:50 pm #930835
Wait, to clarify– he’s suddenly texting with, and giving money to, some random woman who’s not a relative? What’s the story behind that– how does he know her? I wouldn’t be happy at all with that if I were in your shoes. Can you expand on that?January 23, 2022 at 1:01 pm #930836
Yeah, you know he is/was having an (emotional at the least) affair…January 23, 2022 at 1:32 pm #930837
The girl is someone he works with but has said she know only contacts him when she needs more money or something.January 23, 2022 at 1:50 pm #930838
It doesn’t raise a red flag to you that your boyfriend is giving money to a woman at work? And that she feels comfortable asking him? Why would he feel obligated to give her money?
I agree with Raven that it sounds like something is going on between them. Emotionally at least, if not physically.January 23, 2022 at 1:51 pm #930839
He’s only been at this job for a few months, you said. So he can’t know her that well (not well enough for her to hit him up for money) unless something else is going on– in my opinion.January 23, 2022 at 3:29 pm #930840
The biggest problems here sound like he’s a terrible communicator and doesn’t know how to cope well with stress and grief. If you live together, I’m a little shocked he waited until you were out of town to text you that he wants to have sex more often. For someone his age in a long-term relationship, the mature way to handle that is bring it up in person. It’s important and not a text conversation, so that indicates to me he doesn’t handle discussing important topics well.
It also sounds like perhaps you moved in together more out of circumstance (covid and he didn’t have income) instead of because your relationship was naturally ready for it? What were the conversations like around deciding that back when you were moving in, did it have momentum as an exciting relationship milestone or was it mostly financially practical? The “how much time do I have” was a strange comment and made me wonder, what are your goals here? Just to live together? For him to propose to you so you can get married? Have you mutually discussed what’s next at all? Or have you been walking on eggshells trying not to bring it up because he keeps getting emotionally distant every time he has stress or a life issue since that’s how he seems to handle things? And from your description about trying to have relationship discussions, he doesn’t sound like a very willing participant?
All this coupled with his jealousy (in spite of him talking to another woman and sending her money being okay with him…) also indicates he’s a very insecure person (which also usually is the cause for bad communication and difficulty coping with stress and bad times). I think it’s time to be less worried about him being distant in the relationship and more the time to decide if this relationship meets YOUR needs and is going in the direction you want in regards to longer-term goals. A man who is around 40 years old should know what he wants after 2.5 years and be mature enough to take steps in that direction. Otherwise, I question his true emotional availability and think all this is way more about him than you. So I don’t know that you can do anything about it if it’s his problems aside from decide if the relationship is working for you and heading where you want to go. He’s struggling with some stuff that he needs to take responsibility for and deal with, and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to because he is who he is, and you need to be honest with yourself about how that works for you.January 23, 2022 at 7:22 pm #930843
Something happened in November between him & the money girl, while you were away for work & then took hold in December…January 24, 2022 at 12:21 am #930845
Actually, you’re the one who needs to break up with him, sooner rather than later.
He probably has some feelings for you, but you’ve been a convenience for him and IMO at this point he’s cheating on you and straight up using you. That’s why the very odd question “how much time have I got?” Extremely bizarre. He knows you’re onto him about giving money to this woman (with whom he is way more involved than he’s letting on) and expects to be exposed and tossed out at some point, that’s what that comment says to me.
He is for sure involved with this woman on an inappropriate level. That’s why he’s accusing you of going to the gym to see a male trainer when you’re not, jealous of you when you’re out with your friends, and calling to check on you when you’re off work and he’s not. He’s projecting his guilt on you. He’s assuming that you’re doing behind his back what he’s doing behind yours.
It’s absolutely unacceptable that he was giving money behind your back to some other woman he barely knows (supposedly) when he’s in a relationship with you. That’s grounds for ending the relationship right there. You shouldn’t be tolerating this. He’s not tellng you the whole truth about her, for sure. I bet if you talked to her you’d hear a whole other story. Probably something to the effect of you two aren’t getting along and he’s getting ready to end it with you, or he wants to end it and doesn’t want to hurt you or some crap along those lines.
At his age, he’s way too old to be doing all of this. And a text saying let’s have sex more? Totally weird.
I’m sorry, this is not what you wanted to hear, but this situation isn’t good and is only heading south. Stop letting him use you. He’s lying to you something outrageous.
You’ve been given a lot of good advice here and I hope you will take it, even though it’s painful to face breaking up with him and asking him to leave.
When he was unemployed, did he having any savings to fall back on or were you paying for everything, just out of curiosity? Does he share bills and rent or mortgage now that he’s working? Has he ever been married, have any kids?January 24, 2022 at 1:31 pm #930857
If I may ask, why did you let him move in after a few months?January 25, 2022 at 4:22 am #930887
You’re getting a TON of great advice here. Right out the gate, secret communication with anyone/keeping secrets from you are not acceptable with a person you share a home with. Even more so, sending money when you covered his bills for such a long time.
He sounds WEAK. What man gives a girl money because “we’ll she asked me and has no one”. That’s such a bizarre poorly thought out thought process. And so many people go through devastating loss and still function. He has shown you very poor emotional maturity. I’m not saying he was not sad, but so much so he couldn’t manage for such a long time? He’s not stable.
And the se x text?? What a random out of place message and it’s certainly not an effort, it’s not action. It’s using his thumbs.
The whole – you’re going to see your man at the gym? What are we 15? He’s trying to gaslight you. He wants you to feel like you’re doing something wrong and second guess your own credibility. Weak!! He’s weak.
I bet there’s a lot more examples of his bizarre thought process.
Look – you thought this was a good move to live together. He’s shown you now that he cannot give you the relationship you need NOT TO MENTION, the relationship that is warranted from your LIVE IN boyfriend.
My boyfriend has FULL access to my phone and v/v. My face unlocks his. I’ve never needed to go and read his messages because I have full trust, we never hide anything. And we don’t live together and we’re in our 40s and have been together for almost two years.
Please end this relationship, you’re not getting near enough the respectful and decent actions from a partner that anyone would expect.