Becomeing Distant after two years.

Yeah, you know he is/was having an (emotional at the least) affair…

It doesn’t raise a red flag to you that your boyfriend is giving money to a woman at work? And that she feels comfortable asking him? Why would he feel obligated to give her money?

I agree with Raven that it sounds like something is going on between them. Emotionally at least, if not physically.

The biggest problems here sound like he’s a terrible communicator and doesn’t know how to cope well with stress and grief. If you live together, I’m a little shocked he waited until you were out of town to text you that he wants to have sex more often. For someone his age in a long-term relationship, the mature way to handle that is bring it up in person. It’s important and not a text conversation, so that indicates to me he doesn’t handle discussing important topics well.

It also sounds like perhaps you moved in together more out of circumstance (covid and he didn’t have income) instead of because your relationship was naturally ready for it? What were the conversations like around deciding that back when you were moving in, did it have momentum as an exciting relationship milestone or was it mostly financially practical? The “how much time do I have” was a strange comment and made me wonder, what are your goals here? Just to live together? For him to propose to you so you can get married? Have you mutually discussed what’s next at all? Or have you been walking on eggshells trying not to bring it up because he keeps getting emotionally distant every time he has stress or a life issue since that’s how he seems to handle things? And from your description about trying to have relationship discussions, he doesn’t sound like a very willing participant?

All this coupled with his jealousy (in spite of him talking to another woman and sending her money being okay with him…) also indicates he’s a very insecure person (which also usually is the cause for bad communication and difficulty coping with stress and bad times). I think it’s time to be less worried about him being distant in the relationship and more the time to decide if this relationship meets YOUR needs and is going in the direction you want in regards to longer-term goals. A man who is around 40 years old should know what he wants after 2.5 years and be mature enough to take steps in that direction. Otherwise, I question his true emotional availability and think all this is way more about him than you. So I don’t know that you can do anything about it if it’s his problems aside from decide if the relationship is working for you and heading where you want to go. He’s struggling with some stuff that he needs to take responsibility for and deal with, and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to because he is who he is, and you need to be honest with yourself about how that works for you.

Actually, you’re the one who needs to break up with him, sooner rather than later.

He probably has some feelings for you, but you’ve been a convenience for him and IMO at this point he’s cheating on you and straight up using you. That’s why the very odd question “how much time have I got?” Extremely bizarre. He knows you’re onto him about giving money to this woman (with whom he is way more involved than he’s letting on) and expects to be exposed and tossed out at some point, that’s what that comment says to me.

He is for sure involved with this woman on an inappropriate level. That’s why he’s accusing you of going to the gym to see a male trainer when you’re not, jealous of you when you’re out with your friends, and calling to check on you when you’re off work and he’s not. He’s projecting his guilt on you. He’s assuming that you’re doing behind his back what he’s doing behind yours.

It’s absolutely unacceptable that he was giving money behind your back to some other woman he barely knows (supposedly) when he’s in a relationship with you. That’s grounds for ending the relationship right there. You shouldn’t be tolerating this. He’s not tellng you the whole truth about her, for sure. I bet if you talked to her you’d hear a whole other story. Probably something to the effect of you two aren’t getting along and he’s getting ready to end it with you, or he wants to end it and doesn’t want to hurt you or some crap along those lines.

At his age, he’s way too old to be doing all of this. And a text saying let’s have sex more? Totally weird.

I’m sorry, this is not what you wanted to hear, but this situation isn’t good and is only heading south. Stop letting him use you. He’s lying to you something outrageous.

You’ve been given a lot of good advice here and I hope you will take it, even though it’s painful to face breaking up with him and asking him to leave.

When he was unemployed, did he having any savings to fall back on or were you paying for everything, just out of curiosity? Does he share bills and rent or mortgage now that he’s working? Has he ever been married, have any kids?

You’re getting a TON of great advice here. Right out the gate, secret communication with anyone/keeping secrets from you are not acceptable with a person you share a home with. Even more so, sending money when you covered his bills for such a long time.

He sounds WEAK. What man gives a girl money because “we’ll she asked me and has no one”. That’s such a bizarre poorly thought out thought process. And so many people go through devastating loss and still function. He has shown you very poor emotional maturity. I’m not saying he was not sad, but so much so he couldn’t manage for such a long time? He’s not stable.

And the se x text?? What a random out of place message and it’s certainly not an effort, it’s not action. It’s using his thumbs.

The whole – you’re going to see your man at the gym? What are we 15? He’s trying to gaslight you. He wants you to feel like you’re doing something wrong and second guess your own credibility. Weak!! He’s weak.

I bet there’s a lot more examples of his bizarre thought process.

Look – you thought this was a good move to live together. He’s shown you now that he cannot give you the relationship you need NOT TO MENTION, the relationship that is warranted from your LIVE IN boyfriend.

My boyfriend has FULL access to my phone and v/v. My face unlocks his. I’ve never needed to go and read his messages because I have full trust, we never hide anything. And we don’t live together and we’re in our 40s and have been together for almost two years.

Please end this relationship, you’re not getting near enough the respectful and decent actions from a partner that anyone would expect.