Home › Forums › Texting Advice › am I expecting too much contact?
- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 1 month, 4 weeks ago by
Mary.
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Celina
Hi,
I just wanted to ask for your opinion please.
I have been with boyfriend for over a year now and since the beginning he was not allowed to have a phone at work, so we did not communicate during the day but we were seeing each other 2-3 times a week so it wasn’t really an issue for me.
He has now moved to a different location for work and lives 3h away , so we don’t see each other as much. Not only that he has a very demanding job where he works from 9am till 7pm most days. He can have a work at phone and he has been messaging here and there but very short messages like he didn’t want to be disturbed.
He phones me most days on his way home and we chat for about an hour , sometimes less. But I just feel like this isn’t enough for me. I am not sure if I am being needy or is it normal to expect more from someone who has a busy job ?
At the same time I know that being 3h we don’t really have a lot to talk about , so it is probably more a validation thing for me but it is starting to bother me.Maddie
He is still calling you daily and giving you an hour of his day despite working 10 hour days also. It is totally reasonable that he can’t speak to you much or at all while he’s working. The actual problem is, it doesn’t sound like a long distance relationship works well for you. And they are hard for anyone! How often are you seeing each other now? Are there any plans to live closer to each other again? If this is permanent, that you have 3 hours of distance and no plan to be close again, then you may want to discuss your overall needs in a relationship and where things can go from here.
Allysa
Hi Celina,
What I’m about to say maybe old fashioned and cliche but it worked with me.
It’s understandable that you’re feeling a bit uneasy.
I think it’s natural to want more contact in a long-distance relationship, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being needy. I was in a ldr before so I know how this feels.
Have you spoken to him maybe about how you feel? Maybe that’s a start and tell him you miss the closeness and whether you could find ways to feel connected to him e.g. facetime, zoom whatever, as long as you’re communicating.
I dont know if you could agree on how long you can communicate a week, cos that’s what me and my ex did. We set a time to talk 3 times a week on the phone for an hour or so. It was unrealistic for us to communicate everyday as he was in the US and I’m from the UK. We would make time to do things together when we had the chance, he would come to London I would come to San Francisco. We were both film buffs so we’d binge watch on Netflix and we both like to read and would go to coffee shops and just sit together quietly reading. We always had to plan our visits every now and again.
You’re not needy but you have to remember that his job is very demanding and sometimes he can’t communicate with you when you want him to, but I believe that if he really wanted to he would. I also thanked my ex for contacting me and keep his promise.
My friend advised me that I also need to be independent and do things on my own as I wanted to see him and speak to him which was very needy.
I went counselling about our ldr about this and she mentioned to think about my strengths in the relationship and what we both achieved together. He was also on the zoom call on my laptop listening to my counsellor.
We broke up for personal reasons within his family, not cos of ldr but if your needs aren’t being met, is this relationship for you?
Best of luck
A
Mary
Being in a ldr requires expectations to be aligned with practicality. Remember, space allows the fire to burn stronger so try to get out of your mind because your thoughts are what will cause you to be discontent.
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