4 Months Into Dating Him…& This Happens

I am sorry this is happening to you.

I agree that his interest in meeting your family points in a certain direction…but some men do not see it that way. So, we only have what they tell us.

When you see him you can say,”I get the feeling that you are dating other women and do not want to be tied down to one right now”

Let him talk….that will open up what he is thinking and doing. If it does not match what you want it is time to say goodbye.

Hi coral, dont get upset about this. That will lead to a bad mindset. What you know is that you have had a lot of fun getting to know each other past 4 months and you like to know where he stands when ot comes to you and him. Thats all. Remember that you like the guy and be open and listen close to what he says. Good luck and i hope it goes well

@redcurlysue

Thank you, when I read ‘I’m sorry this is happening to you’ it actually made me tear up a bit. Just from feeling some kind of support/understanding even in one sentence helps so thank you.

@newbie

I like what you said about ‘It’s been fun getting to know you the last 4 months’. I think thats a decent way to start the convo. Then perhaps adding in what redcurlysue said about that I get the feeling hes seeing other people so I’m curious as to what his thoughts are on where it’s going. Calm and casual approach.

@Omi G
Yeah definitely need the convo to be in person, I dont think I’ll bring up the condom wrapper/bumble message until I’ve heard/seen his response to my initial question.

@Meemee

Yeah exactly, I just dont know till we discuss it. That’s why I didn’t react and go in guns blazing. I’ve done that before when I was younger and been very WRONG in a few situations.

Those of you who think it is ok for him to sleep around because they didn’t discuss exclusivity? Are you out of your f***ing minds? They’ve been dating and seeing each other for 4 months, not 4 days or 4 weeks, this is a full relationship. Bite my ass exclusivity talks. This is the reason to have those talks but if he slept with someone else and felt totally cool about it only because they didn’t talk exclusivity you telling the OP it is all cool and to be expected? Sure just talk to him, believe all the crap he’d feed you and then go on as if nothing happened? How many of you would do that if it happened to you? Where do you think the condom wrapper came from? Not from him watching porn, I can assure you of that.

I have a lot of respect for the OP. You have great self control. But I feel sorry for you. This happened in such a way in your new relationship. What a dick. Get out now. This guy has no decency and he will do it again, whether you talk exclusivity with him or not. Don’t let this talk nonsense blindfold you.

He is obviously seeing other women and if that does not sit well with you, you should stop sleeping with him, and express your concern about seeing the condom wrapper. I don’t think you need to overthink this conversation and I would have it over the phone even. You are not on the same page with him and the sooner you can have the conversation, the better.

You could Rory raye this by expressing something like “I feel confused and upset. I found a condom rapper and I saw bumble come up on the phone. I do not want to be in a relationship that is not exclusive at this point. Is there something I should know?” Notice you never use the word you. But, honestly, the signals are not in your favor and I think you need to consider what you will do if is not only seeing you.

I agree that a discussion about this needs to be had. We’ve had so many ladies in your situation who after months of dating felt blindsided by guys who ACTED like a BF, but never had any intention of becoming one.

There’s a level of expectations that comes with such a title (BF/GF) and if its not progressing then you as the woman have to make a conscious choice to first clarify what YOU WANT, and end it if the man isn’t heading in the same direction you are.

With men you need to be direct but calm, such as “I’ve enjoyed the past few months we’ve spent together, but I’m at a crossroad and need to know where we stand. I should have brought this up in the beginning, but I’m not looking for anything casual or short term, but a monogamous relationship that’s progressing towards a true commitment. It feels like we are, but I’m not sure because we haven’t discussed what we’re dating for. I just need some clarification so I can decide whether its in my best interest to continue or not.” THE END, then give him the room to speak.

Sticking around in a dead end situation is not in YOUR best interest—need to put your needs, wants and desires first and foremost, always.

yes – this all depends on the situation. but before listening to all the posters here — one thing remains true – you need to ask him in one way or another. all you need to ask “hey, we’ve been hanging out for a while now and i want to know if you see this progressing into something more? if not, i need to know to decide if i am wasting my time or not” enough with this BS and roundabout question asking. lets be honest here – there is no real “good” way to ask this question…no matter how you ask it i believe this guy will not change his mind.

you found a condom wrapper – it could or could not be his. the world will never know. but what does your gut tell you? you need to flex that intuition muscle, because it almost always is true.

i’ve had an experience where i knew that the guy wasn’t committed to anythign long-term and so i just blurted out by asking him. and sure enough, he confessed that he doesn’t want anything “Serious” but wants to keep “hanging out.” i’m sure this man is keeping you on a string. and sounds like he’s sleeping w/ other women, which, is fine because you guys aren’t exclusive. i’m pretty sure that is something you WON’T be okay with. please don’t bend and twist your arm to make him want to be with you. you shouldn’t have to “convince” anyone to want to be with you. this enough, at least if it were me, would lose a significant amount of trust. i’d say walk away and kick him to the curb. life is too short to wait around for people who might never come around. life is too short to settle as someone’s back up or option.

don’t accept the terms of friendship or crumbs that he’s giving you and walk away after hearing what he has to say. don’t think you’re jumping to conclusions here. tbh i think he’s keeping you on a string. just my two cents. let us know how it pans out.

also the only way to get more from a man is to REMOVE yourself and the attention you’re giving him. this is not game playing, it’s just doing it for YOURSELF.
if you want more – give him the time space and distance to make that decision to CHOOSE you. you ask him once, and if he gives you BS answers then you walk and don’t look back. SIMPLE.

men like this thrive off keeping women on a string, because they CAN. and the only way to get more from him is to remove yourself from that string, and remove that security blanket that he has. simple as that.

you need a shift in thinking, is all you’d need. instead of thinking ” oh i invested 4 months into a man and just recently i found a condom wrapper …which might mean he’s sleeping with another” INTO…”he’s shifted his decision, made his decision for whatever reason and decided he didn’t want to connect with me. that’s okay, i don’t need him and i will move forward with men who are willing to give chances and get to know me.”

Okay guys thank you, I now just need the opportunity in person to ask him. I really don’t want to ask over text or whatsapp. I want to see his reaction.

@Jay

About once a week, I’m nearing the end of an internship which has been very demanding time wise and he works at a bar with awkward shift hours. So when its convenient for us both basically.

I’m sure I’m totally in the minority here haha but I’m just throwing it out there that if it were me, I would actually wayyy prefer to do this over text/WhatsApp!! Reason being I’d want to be controlled, exactly how I word it, so it comes off literal & casual, not showing my emotional cards whatsoever. I’d want to word it as cool as a cucumber as possible. In person I’d be super anxious, my face likely the appearance of holding back tears etc. If it were me, I would rather die than do that lol I’d verbatim type this “remember the other day when you were showing me something on your phone & a bumble message popped up? Well I also saw a condom wrapper when I was there & it makes me wonder where exactly we stand? I don’t want to jump to conclusions, just looking for clarity after I saw those things”

I’m sure I am a weirdo & most people would say do it in person but if it were me that’s exactly how I’d handle it. Just throwing out an alternative perspective just in case it appeals to you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but at least it is better to find out sooner rather than down the line