Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Treat Me Like a Priority? post image

Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Treat Me Like a Priority?

… (Previous page – Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Treat Me Like a Priority?) at the level where he’d do anything to have you forever, you have to stop being self-absorbed and place your focus on his experience of the world.

Stop basking in your own wants and fantasies…

Stop endlessly worrying about what could fall apart or how things could fail…

Stop craving and needing reassurance and self-esteem boosters from him…

If you want to get that kind of love and prioritization from him, you have to stop sucking energy out of him and start filling him with energy.

If you want him to invest more love into the relationship, then lead by example and invest love into the relationship. When you figure out how to inspire love in your guy, he will want to please you in the same way.

You may need to be patient at first, though. The best attitude to take is one of generous detachment: you will invest in your relationship out of total generosity, not to “get something” in return from it.

And remember, you must have “walking power.” You are investing in your relationship and loving him, but if he ultimately can’t give you the relationship you want, you know you have options.

To be the woman who is his priority, rather than an option, you need to stand out. You need to be the one who sees who he truly is and understands him. You need to inspire him and give him the space to commit to you.

You need to be a happy, confident, fulfilled woman who doesn’t base her sense of worth on having a man. You need to be the one unlike any other, the one who won’t wait around to see if he chooses her, the one who knows she deserves an amazing relationship with a high-quality man and isn’t afraid to walk away if you don’t get what you want and deserve.

When you have both the mentality that you won’t settle for less than his best and the mentality that when he brings you his best you will reward him and blow his mind, then you’ll have him hooked hard.

If you want to get a sense of where his feelings might be right now, I recommend you take our “Does He Love Me?” quiz right now.

Hope this helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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Wow! I’m new to your blog. I’m not new to feeling the way a lot of these women do. I’ve learned from your articles that although my boyfriend has been around 13 years I was happy before meeting him I’m happy with him i can’t be happy because of him. Thats a lot to ask of anyone and a set up for failure no matter what. Ultimately you teach people how to treat you. If you can’t make you happy how can you expect someone else to? I appreciate the insight into the way guys think polar opposite of the way we do. Surprisingly best advice given was to distract my attention from him onto anything else. Sure enough my heart of stone emotionally unavailable man came looking for me wondering what I was doing! My jaw was on the ground. After 13 years together and countless interruptions to inquire about him and what he was doing, being MIA a couple hours doing my own thing he came after me! It was great. Still. I couldn’t help but be a little annoyed. Also the post it note suggestion of showing him a little appreciation for him and all he does so I can stay home with the kiddos had a lasting reaction I didn’t expect. We all want validation he never threw my lack of open appreciation for him in my face. Realizing my error was big. I really try assessing my perception of a situation from all sides before jumping the gun on voicing who is or isn’t bringing what to the relationship. It really helped. Thanks.

Reply September 15, 2020, 3:48 pm


Again if you are a high value women and you mentally know you are the prize you wouldnt put up with him not treating you as a priority. You can and would cut him loose. I think if he can’t see your worth now, accept the losses and cut him off. You’ll find a guy who treats you well as long as you keep cutting off the losers.

My point here is not about a woman should chase commitment hardcore, she could be the most self sufficient and happiest women on earth but she is in the relationship to add an extra portion of happiness to her life not misery, that is by being treated well by a guy who is courting you. Even the most confident womens self esteem can be crushed if her guy doesnt respect her or her basic needs. If a date after like 4 months can’t prioritise your basic needs next. Some men are so quick to jump the ‘you are being needy’ what by stating I like calls? lol.

Some women could take the advice of this article and mess up big time. When dating he should be commited to making you a priority not an option, full stop. You don’t have years to waste on a man and you don’t want to become too emotionally drained either. Know what you should be looking for by ‘having standards’, thats the real power you women possess to keep seeing a guy or no. As later on if you guys commit you as a woman sacrifice a lottttt, especially after marriage. Find a man who treats you well. You shouldn’t be afraid to state what you are seeking from dating or to communicate your basic needs.

I like how the articles nowadays is about accomodating everything a man wants and neglecting basic female psychology. Trust me girls, if most women are being treated as an option and inconsistently she will build resentment and move on from the guy. They say ‘stay busy’ but if you are busy and yet still feels like you are worthless to him like then you know you are not the issue and he is. You just stick around as you are afriad to be alone and lap up the idea of hope he sells you via lipservice. Actions not words.

You need stability and trust as a women to open up and be vulnerable for him to feel let it, hes not allowing this though as hes avoiding anything meaningful whether this is a concious choice or not. So hes avoiding falling for you. Now by consistently I don’t mean talking all the time but that you should never doubt that he’s into you, its female nature to feel this way sorry. For example he disappears for like a week of space without letting you know beforehand and you have been dating for 4 months. State respect to you is to let me know before you disappear, if he can’t do that hes not consistent and isnt reliable. Don’t makes excuses and live of hope that he will change one day, move on.

Or you tell him I like calls but he only bothers with texting without meeting a middle ground for you and he never picks up the phone. That tells you more than enough hun.

Don’t forget men can use you for emotional support, for an ego boost etc etc, just like how women can :)

Reply November 27, 2018, 3:46 am


hi there guys
firstly thank you for all the help in the past that you have given me. and the advice you sent me.
but i have a question./questions… i have been seeing this guy , he is actually one of my “bestest” friends that i grew up with. we do get along well together, and is when we are together. or when he makes time, i know , i know he is just treating me like an option. we are on and off like a light bulp, but even though through all of that he just keep coming back and also telling me that i am the one for him bla bla bla. he has a baby mamma and her mother that is also staying with him and their child, he recently bought the house and after telling them constantly that they must find a place of there own they just keep on living there, and its really confusing to me that he doesnt do anything regarding the situation . if he doesnt want to leave her then why is he still coming to me. i dont have much even or better.but for a relationship , well then i just feel like an option . i have cut all ties with him and blocked him , so he can get the picture that i am not an option in my own eyes and dont need the bs. and even after that he didnt even bother to come and talk things through.but my real question is i dont feel like taking him back or wantting him back, i just want to know how do i treat such a guy, if and when he comes back,because i never want to feel like a mechant that sells black market stuff, because of him always doing a drive by .
hope to hear from you soon


Reply October 22, 2018, 7:01 am


Can I add something here? I am 40 and many of the men I have been with and date are 10 years or older than me. Texting is not a priority the older you get and sometimes it creates anxiety and too much can ruin things early on. For those of us who are busy with our careers, and use our phones a lot, we want to meet people who understand and don’t try to have long phone or text conversations, or expect that as proof of anything. I always check out early with ALL texts…because I don’t feel I have to close or validate unless I’m in the mood to, especially after both people have checked in. When someone wants to talk too much with text and send too many emojis I know they won’t like me, cause I don’t and everything is to the point. People need to trust me that are in my life that texting indicates nothing. What indicates something is if I continue with them and see them, and I will let them know how I feel so they are not ever feeling led on. Some of us have a lot going on, don’t feel the need to rush, and don’t care like we did when we were in our twenties. The older you get, the more natural is the best route..and that means starting off as friends without relationship expectations.

Reply April 10, 2018, 1:04 pm


I agree to this. Most women nowadays are so focus on themselves that they forget men have feelings. They want men to do all the work in a relationship. I know because i have that mindset before i never know how to love myself. After how i learned to love myself, and changed my mindset, i met my current partner. It’s true that once you stop looking for a person for the sake of need, everything is easy. That doesn’t mean we don’t have any misunderstandings but i choose to be more responsive to my partner in a gentle and humble way. At first he’s difficult to break his shell by being nice~understanding~eating my pride everytime we had small arguments because he likes to shutdown and give me silent treatments. I extended my patience~and it’s worth it because he’s starting to be more open to me. I just let him to cool down when he’s angry and cool myself down when my hormones get the best of me then we’ll simply talk until we point out the center of problem. t’s fun to be in a harmonious relationship with very less drama. I dunno why other girls choose to dramatized almost everything. Maybe The Media had influence them much.

Reply December 30, 2017, 4:37 pm


i’d rather die single

Reply December 10, 2017, 1:10 pm


Men like to be pampered & appreciated,thats a fact BUT,a man who does not appreciate what you do for ur relationship & takes your love as desperation is not worth your time.
Remember,a relationship is a 2 way thing.

Reply May 24, 2017, 1:14 am


I guess i wi be the one to say it. His articles put most of the responsiblity of a relationship beginning on the shoulder of the woman. In another article as yours about men not calling after sex, you say the woman need to make the man wait, and u never say the man should not be looking for a one night stand. Now in this article you say the woman should touch a man mental psyche first, that cooking and cleaning….et. for him aint gonna cut it. Love is shown through many actions and if taking care of someone is not a big part of connecting with them mentality than what is. I know when i sick and person brings me chicken soup it warms my heart AND MIND. Emotional love also connects with a persons mental psyche and u leave that out because u know you will then be dismissing the womans need for emotional love from the man. I wonder if you have an article on how a man should win the heart of a woman and also approach introducing sex in a relationship. I can be you dont have one. Your articles sound like they have underlining tone and sign of putting most of the effort to win the man.

Just so you know many couples have fallen in love through cooking, cleaning and running a business. It is how you do it

I grew up with brothers, i am married and know plenty of men who would disagree with both your articles.
A man should lead and he sets the tone. This is a belief world wide in many cultures. He should be leading woman to sessions of talking and courtship so the mental connection can happen and he also is the one that lets them both know when it needs to happen more than it should. HE LEADS PERIOD.

Reply April 13, 2017, 10:50 pm


Seriously? If a guy really loves you, then you won’t have to play games to make him prioritize you and your relationship. Games like this have no place in a healthy relationship.

Reply February 3, 2017, 4:38 pm

Nancy M.

Hi Eric. Thank you for this informative article and all the great work you are doing with Sabrina to empower women to have healthy relationships. Your articles got e through a rough break up and I believe they can get me through this new break up. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me last Thursday and I am still reeling from the shock of it all. From my sessions with ANM, I learned to be a more loving and giving in this relationship. We have been together for 2 years and he sought me out, were friends for about a year and decided to take it to the next level. He has called has called/texted me everyday and he was loving, kind and thoughtful. I appreciated and loved in more for that despite it being a long distance relationship. Like you, he stated what he expects/wanted from the relationship, and I did the same. We loved each other fiercely and dearly. But since I saw him at his friends wedding over the July 4th weekend, he told me he was forced to look at his life and where he wants to be and he realized that he didn’t see himself with me long term and hopes we can be friends. I know that in life there are no guarantees, but how do you pick up the pieces and continue to trust, be loving and giving? I strongly believe in doing the work and I chose him to love every day.

Reply July 17, 2016, 3:36 pm


Good advice, shame I cannot stick to it. 7 years of being treated like I’m invisible and now I’m just bitter and angry. I hate the man. I keep telling him to go away as he makes me unhappy but he refuses to leave. Only reason I’m with him is because I’ve been ill for years on end and been too tired to fight for myself without looking like a crazy woman. I’m getting better and hoping one day I’ll be swooped up by someone else. Although he’s made me feel worthless, I know I’m not anymore. The rare times I leave my house (I’m a musician), I am well liked by others. I would try your advice Eric but I don’t think I could bring myself to reward him, how do you let go of 7 years of neglect and emotional damage?

Reply May 30, 2016, 7:20 am


Thanks for this write-up, glad to read ur article…I know my man loves me, but am becoming too needy of him. Thanks really…I was being carried away,he should commit not just doing things for me.

Reply January 30, 2016, 7:54 pm


Hi Eric – the last thing you say in this article “when you have that mentality he will try”.. The thing is my boyfriend doesn’t try ha..

He says he is full of pride, and that I just need to accept that he is emotionless because he’s always been like that his whole life. Thanks for your articles they help, this one just has me particularly confused ????????

Reply January 2, 2016, 9:56 am


I wrote emojis at the end, I don’t know why a million question marks posted lol sorry (:

Reply January 2, 2016, 9:59 am


Then leave him. That’s the part where Eric said “the one who won’t wait around to see if he chooses her, the one who knows she deserves an amazing relationship with a high-quality man and isn’t afraid to walk away if you don’t get what you want and deserve.”

Reply February 12, 2016, 3:14 pm


I wish I read this sooner! Thanks Eric! You are so insightful and you don’t sugar coat your answers. Now I know what I need to do going forward in my relationship with my guy who doesn’t seem to be putting much effort into me anymore.

Reply December 17, 2015, 2:11 pm


wow! what a well written article, it blew off my mind. It was very helpful. I finally found good men/relationship advice. The person that wrote this know his stuff.

thank you!

Reply December 8, 2015, 8:59 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks so much. I really appreciate hearing that and I’m glad you like my work.

Reply December 9, 2015, 6:48 pm


kinda feel like playing a game to me, i think there is nothing wrong about showing our fears to a man, why would we be there for theirs and not the other way around? what if their motivations and goal in life is the exact same reason why he’s not giving time for his wife and childrens?

Reply October 17, 2015, 3:41 am

Efeya Sandra

Hi I’m Nigerian, been dating my boyfriend for over 6 months now and things have been going good we had our first major fight last month where things almost came crashing down but it got revived and it has been the sweetest thing ever cos I really did enjoy my relationship. Well the problem now is I was spending a few days at his and I was supposed to last till Saturday only for it to get to Friday and he told me he had a wedding to attend and he wld go for a run on Saturday morning as early as 5 and then leave for the wedding at 8. It got to Saturday I woke up and noticed he was out so I got up and had my bath prepared to leave, only for him to get back from his run, shower and come crashing down on the bed again. I asked in a subtle tone aren’t u going for the wedding again? He said look at the time who goes for a wedding at 8 and I replied saying you told me we were going to leave early this morning and then I said why are u talkin to me in this tone and he said watch yours too. I apologized . secondly he came back upstairs and was panting I asked baby are u OK? He said yes why? I said nothing sorry. Thirdly he started packing up his suitcase picked his laptop bag and clothes, phone, car keys and he was just wearing his singlet and inner shorts. I got confused and asked are u going down like this where is your outing cloth? He lashed out on me and said he dsnt respond to stupid questions. I was shocked at his response so I stood up walked into his bathroom cried out and went back into the room picked up my bags and told him I was leaving . it was rainning outside I left the house under d rain he didn’t even come out to say hold on let me drive u or to even apologize. All this while on my way home he didn’t call or text to know if i got home safe. I’m bothered and don’t know what to do but I want him to respect me.

Reply August 23, 2015, 6:25 am


Hi. Thank you for your article. I know my comment is pretty late so any response would be much appreciated. My question is does this advice work with guys who have aspergers? I have taken your advice to heart and sure enough my husband chases me but he also gets deeply hurt because he feels like he is not good enough for me. Having to make me a priority causes him to feel inadequate he says. It doesn’t matter how much I honor, compliment, appreciate or have sex with him. He says it’s just too much work and too difficult to express love to me. I’ve asked him to take me on a date once a month and give me a compliment daily because I feel loved when he does those things. I know he loves me but he is VERY resistant to make me a priority to him. I don’t say mean things to him but have just started taking care of myself and emotions and doing things on my own being he doesn’t want to take me out. He is hurt by all this.

Reply May 5, 2015, 6:19 pm


Hi Eric. I read the posts and they are very inspiring; however, what if your man went from being so upset with not spending enough time with you because you insisted on moving slow? I finally decided to give him more of myself because he was so frustrated with feeling that I was not available but now he’s pulled back. He calls every day and says that he doesn’t want to end things but he wants me to allow him some space. But the space was not explained to me. I noticed the change. It felt it was unfair the way he did it causing me to now withdraw. What is happening? He says he loves me and I love him but he scares me

Reply March 23, 2015, 8:33 pm


Conversely, many men and women start out “emotionally self sufficient” and are then drained by being with someone that is emotionally damaged coming into the relationship, and in trying to live up to that “x,y,z,” may either 1. Leave and say they don’t need that craps 2. Continue under emotional abuse and become codependent. I agree with the girl. This article to me seems a selfish outlook. Does everyone want a stable partner? Uh, yea. Is everyone going to be stable 100% of the time for the rest of the I life? No. A relationship works because two people make a choice to make it work. And when things are down for one person, the other needs to lend strength. That doesn’t mean enable the other person to permanently wallow or fall into addiction. The essence of your article basically says to me, if she becomes emotionally weak, it’s her own duty to support herself and the man shouldn’t take any part because he is not responsible for her happiness. Maybe that was not intended, but that’s how it came across. That is total BS in my opinion. Yes, each person is responsible for maintaining themselves, but each person is equally capable of having a changing and negative effect emotionally on another person. Your article offers a way for a an to bail when something becomes difficult.

I married a guy that turned into an addict and was diagnosed with disorders that matches a sociopath. I stood by trying to help through rehab and counseling. He refuses these things and won’t face the damage of his past. He used me as a catalyst for emotional abuse and neglect, so I left without divorcing so that I could work on me. He is not working on him. I was a wonderful and trusting person til him. Not without imperfections. I went to a few counselors to find out what I was doing wrong, and have had the same response. Nothing. Nothing but enabling and being codependent by wanting to help make it work when he doesn’t want to. But he’s too cowardly to divorce. He’d stay married and separated the rest of his life. So yes, there are instances where a person can be to blame for the unhappiness, and it comes when dealing with an addict or someone with a major issue. The only way that loved ones get through it is by understanding that it is NOT their fault. He has sucked thr life out of the relationship while I deposited, and deposited, and deposited, while family and counselors told me not to anymore. His rehab therapist told me a year ago to get the divorce papers ready. He did take my happiness. Now I’m working on finding it again by myself, and I expect that he make the investment to value and cherish me. That is his job by marrying me. Now that I’ve been broken, I do hold him responsible for a portion of my happiness in the future. He can’t only take. No amount of being “emotionally self sufficient” can’t make a person survive a one sided marriage. Sorry. And I know for a fact that men have gone through this too, but there are a lot more women because of the selfish entitlement that society thrusts on men as a “right.”

also, I don’t like mind reading. Before we said our vows, I said what I want, need, and expect in a relationship in clear words. I flat out asked if those were things he could agree to, and he said yes. Now he’s expressed regret because he didn’t realize that he would have to not be selfish all the time. He also decided now that he never wants kids,with me or any woman because of “what he’d have to give up.” Before we got married, I didn’t want kids and he did, but I agreed to give of myself for them if he wanted them. I had to think about that choice and understood what it meant. He doesn’t understand and doesn’t think. He says that it’s “the way he is and the way he was raised.” That he’s “different from other people.” I’ll tell you though, he was Danny good at putting up an act til he got what he wanted.

I get so tired of people acting like there can never be one person mostly at fault. When one person wants to work on things and the other doesn’t, the one that doesn’t is at fault. Sorry. They’re choosing selfishness. And it’s even more selfish when they want the relationship to stay together without actually doing work, and want the other person to file for divorce so they don’t have to do any work, and can play pity card after. Both people are responsible for aiding in keeping each other’s happiness in good health (but not solely responsible for), and both people are responsible for giving 100% to the relationship. As far as this “all their eggs in one basket” junk, who wants a relationship with a person that constantly has one foot out the door? I haven’t had to di that til separating and it blows. My life is held between two places. I couldn’t live my whole life like that because I could never give anything or anyone the 100% they deserve.

Reply March 9, 2015, 1:04 am

Eric Charles

At what point do your emotions stop being your responsibility?

Reply March 9, 2015, 8:40 pm


At the point when you have tried and tried to deal with them and you stop and ask you significant other to help you. To at least try to lift your spirits and to be there to give support for a difficult period. But a lot of times if you actually have to ask and the aren’t already doing these thing then they probably aren’t going to help anyway bc people are selfish and that’d how things fail so easily.

Reply April 14, 2015, 6:36 pm


Great article Eric. I’d like to just comment on it and reply to MNRC at the same time.

I’ve been subscribed to your emails for a few months now and I totally agree with everything you’ve mentioned in this article. In all honesty my love life was in shambles 6 months ago, and I stumbled upon your blog, as well as another by Renee Wade which focuses on feminine energy and how that attracts a man. Anyway your posts are always in sync with hers,and I’ve learnt so much from the both of you, and coincidentally am now in an amazing relationship with an awesome guy. It’s still new, so anything can happen, but if things don’t work out it will suck, but I know I’ll be fine.

In response to MNRC: Firstly one thing you have to understand is that relationships are not a man’s domain. Women are defined by their relationships, whereas men are defined by their success. If you meet a man who’s any different most likely you won’t be attracted to him because he has an abundance of feminine energy. Now because of that it means that us women are the ones who lament about failed relationships and they shatter us to our core. Now you can choose to accept this or keep fighting against it, your choice. Secondly your comments hints at a feeling of entitlement, it sounds like you’re demanding men to give you A, B and C before you can give him anything. I understand where you’re coming from, I sometimes have to pull myself back from that mentality. That type of thinking sucks energy out of a relationship, and you become a chore to your man. Like Eric said, it’s important that you come onto a relationship with a giving energy. What that means is not demanding anything from him, he should give it freely. How you do that? Reward good behavior and don’t entertain bad behaviour. Another thing that Eric mentioned is giving him the type of experience he can’t help but want to come back to, from that alone he will treat you like a queen because he sees your value in his life. So basically no matter how amazing a person you are, how beautiful, successful, smart, funny, etc you are, as deserving or “entitled” you are of his love and affection, if he doesn’t leave with a good taste in his mouth he won’t want to come back.

So my advice would be to keep all that in mind, and keep a very open mindset, and reread Eric’s posts. A lot of this stuff goes against what the media has taught us, or what societal norms are, but it helps. Goodluck :)

Reply February 13, 2015, 11:49 am


wow, munchkins. I would really like to hear more of your perspective and opinions as a very informed empowered woman! please keep sharing!!

Reply February 16, 2016, 3:20 am


“…Look for the parts of him that he feels are unappreciated and appreciate those parts of him. Let him know that you believe in him and his power to achieve his aspirations…” This is really sexist advice. How often does a man tell a woman that he “believes in her and her power to achieve her aspirations”? Most guys I know harbor gnawing jealously towards a successful girlfriend or wife and secretly hopes that she will fail (or at least not surpass him). I have met few men who are able to do the above, so why are women expected to play this role. Excuse me, but as a woman, I am looking out for #1 because most men I date will not be looking out for my career.

Reply December 29, 2014, 3:13 am


Great article. Very informative. I think some of this has to do with the tendency of Women to be defined by their intimate relationships (family, friends, beau) whereas Men seem to be more focused upon personal accomplishment and goals. Some Women enter relationships and immediately long for a solid commitment (home, marriage, kids etc.) and Men reject this as an attempt to “control” them and they like to do things in their own time. When it comes to emotional depth and connecting, I just think that Women are more comfortable in expressing their feelings, its almost like breathing. The difference in approach can be quite daunting, as both sexes, at heart, may desire a solid and intimate connection with the other. I am personally experiencing this very thing as we speak. The love of my life lives separately from me but not by himself and neither do I so alone time or quality time comes in the form of sitting in my car for hours just talking or actually going out. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and watch a movie or stay the weekend over but its just not an option these days. He spends his days building his career and I spend my days studying for courses, working and building a company. I really would love to wakeup and go to sleep by his side every night so I get angry at times and he feels that I am never happy:(. Its not that Im never happy but that I would like to see him more often. I think that its important to maintain a sense of self and of purpose when one is in a relationship. Whereas a man may have his lady on his priority lists, she may not come first. This is not an intentional brush off however. Men seem to be very serous about their careers and finances so if your man is busy building a career, its best that you be as supportive as possible, less he feel that you are distracting or attempting to sabotage his success or his priorities. Its difficult.

Reply December 3, 2014, 6:44 pm


Thank you for all of this wonderful insight and advise. In some ways,we are on the right track, and in other ways, our relationship needs help.
We are an older couple and have been in an exclusive relationship for one year, now and are talking about moving in together after another year. We are taking it slowly to make sure that we are compatible. I am retired and he is still working. He owns his our business. I am in the $34,000 bracket and he is in the $85,000 bracket.
How do we decide who pays what,and how much? I have never lived with a man without being married. I don’t know what to expect or how to even brioche the subject. I do not want him to think that I am a gold digger, but I do want to be cared for. I need your advise, please.

Reply July 9, 2014, 11:02 pm


Hi Eric,
I’ve learned a few things from your post and they have been helpful. Thing is I am MARRIED and my husband is not treating me like a priority (at least that is what I am perceiving) and unfortunately I became needy and it made things much more difficult. We have and have had very deep conversations about my neediness and him being a honorable man has stood by me and encouraged me to be more positive, trusting and fearless. I am truly grateful. Yet before I began learning how to effectively operate, communicate and contribute positively to our relationship, I ruined it in SOOOO many ways. Now I can blatantly see that he is not treating me as a priority but as an option. Some days he may try, but usually I must initiate contact and he will not respond to texts (I’ve read that article already, thanks for the insight) No compliments, no gifts, no dates…maybe he will meet up with me if the errand he is running is near my job or home. (Tidbit of info: We are currently living separately until we move into our new home together which could be a couple of months; we lived together previously). I am wondering Eric, as I have suggested that we divorce since he did not want to treat me the way I felt I needed to be treated and he was simply doing his bare minimum or “trying his best”, which he says. I found some texts to an ex-girlfriend of his about a year before we moved. He called this girl Butterfly and Beautiful and Queen and would text her back quickly, they would text chat late at night for some hours until I found out and shut that shit down. He would never and still does not compliment me this way. However, ever since then I have been distrusting, suspicious, needy, all the worst things, and I kept telling him that my spazzy emotions were due to him trying to continue to have a friendship with his ex. I don’t want him talking to her like seriously. (I read that article as well). So I am wondering if I should dissolve our marriage since he will not step up and treat me the way I feel a wife should be treated, like a priority! Although he says time and again that he does not want a divorce, he wants to remained married and he loves me more that I obviously possibly can understand and that all that I want (compliments, sweet talk, making an effort to make plans with me and not just meeting up cause its convenient) is an illusion and I am being selfish and self absorbed. Eric, how can a Wife get her Husband to chase her again? Is this even possible or is it dead already?
Thanks for the work that you do.

Reply April 14, 2014, 4:30 pm


Eric – This article is right on target – Great job! Thanks for the reality check!
Keep up the appreciated work!!

Reply December 31, 2013, 12:37 am


Half of this advice is BS.

Eric do you really understand what you even write? You are basically saying the WOMAN is the one who has to prove themselves to the man by doing x,y,z and being a,b,c. Besides, almost all of your articles make it seem like most men are all decent human beings. A lot of guys don’t want a girl that is overly self fufilled. If the guy knows if he leaves and she won’t care why should he care also? I’m not going to be with someone for long term that I know won’t care if I leave? Also, there is no way to make any guy want you forever. Not every guy a woman ‘dates’ is a potential soulmate. There’s only certain amount of people that are compatible for one person.

Reply October 12, 2013, 3:01 am

Eric Charles

You gotta love the internet…

Most of the time, the comments are positive… but every so often, some frustrated person spouts off their opinion, offering only criticism and no constructive counter-argument.

Why is there no counter argument?

It’s is nearly always (I would say always, but I want to leave myself some room just in case) because the person has decided that their case is hopeless… that their failure and ineffectiveness is the fault of something outside of them.

Not on their attitude. Not on their outlook. Not how they talk to people (“Half of this advice is BS. Eric do you really understand what you even write?” as the opener to your comment… nice touch.)

This is a person who is frustrated and wants to pick a fight with me because I’m advocating taking personal responsibility for one’s own results in life… which is very threatening to someone that “needs” it to be someone else’s fault.

The remainder of her comment is rambling about what guys *really* want (I don’t speak for all men, but the fact that I have a penis and she doesn’t kind of gives me an advantage on knowing what at least ONE man wants… not to mention the thousands of men I’ve surveyed about their own dating lives…)

Let’s say a woman isn’t emotionally self-sufficient. In that case, she views the relationship as a well of constant emotional fulfillment… until, of course, it runs dry since she’s constantly sucking the life out of it without putting any “juice” back in.

When a woman is emotionally self-sufficient, she is already happy and her happiness spills over into the relationship. She is making an emotional deposit into the relationship, instead of sucking emotional strength and self-esteem from the relationship like a leech.

No man wants to deal with an unhappy woman leeching his emotional energy. No. Guy.

It’s not that if he leaves she doesn’t care or if she leaves he doesn’t care.

It’s that the man and the woman aren’t using each other as emotional crutches.

As for the comment about compatibility. Yeah – ummm… I thought that was obvious to everyone. I guess not.

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:12 pm


Wow! I’m new to your blog. I’m not new to feeling the a lot of these women do. What I’ve learned is My boyfriend has been around 13 years I’m sure I was happy before meeting him I’m happy with him i can’t be happy because of him thats a lot to ask and a set up for failure no matter who you are. Ultimately you teach people how to treat you. If you can’t make you happy how can you expect someone else to? I appreciate the insight into the way guys think polar opposite of the way we do. Surprisingly best advice given was to distract myself sure enough my heart of stone emotionally oblivious man showed up wondering what I was doing! Jaw on the ground seriously! I couldn’t help but be a little annoyed. So you don’t not know what your talking about…thx

Reply September 15, 2020, 2:09 pm

G monkey

When the right guy comes along everything falls into place. I don’t think it’s needy to want your boyfriend to be in touch daily. My guy and I talk all day throughout email and then we either text or call each other at night. I’ve asked him and my guy friends at work and in my personal life if they think it’s needy for their girlfriends to want to hear from them daily and they don’t think it is. If a guy is into you he will be in contact and want to spend time with you. If he’s super occupied with his career he will do whatever he can to make you feel loved and appreciated. If you don’t have this with your current boyfriend and you feel lonely then it’s totally fair to tell him how much you appreciate what he does and that you’d love if you guys could have XYZ. I feel more than attended to and loved. Every other man and woman deserves the same. If you aren’t happy with what you’re getting and you’ve tried the above with no changes than move on and find someone that will give you all the love and attention you deserve.

Reply October 3, 2013, 9:29 pm

Eric Charles

It’s a matter of when it becomes an emotional crutch or not. I want certain things few things from a woman in a relationship… I’m very clear on what they are for me and I recognize that I need to do my part if I want those things…

That said, if she isn’t the way I want in the relationship, I don’t try to force her to be… I choose a different relationship that’s a better fit.

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:16 pm


“Few things you need from a woman” & ” Doing your part”…….hmmm. I wish you were more specific.
These types of comments you made seem like red flags to me. ?
I agree with you on emotional crutches and needy people…..but on the other hand there are also emotionally “limited/unavailable” men/women and only wiling to give just enough in order to get what they want. Sounds more like a business contract than a loving relationship.

Reply March 25, 2016, 11:15 pm


But shouldn’t you invest in he invests too? It works both ways

Reply September 24, 2013, 1:00 am

Eric Charles

“Should” is a dangerous word.

It implies punishment. What is the punishment you’d receive if one of you didn’t do what you “should” do?

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:17 pm


I like this article and I am a big fan of this site. However, I disagree somewhat with what you have said here. Maybe I am not understanding you, but I truly feel there is a place in dating and relationships for being upfront and honest even if it’s not what the other person wants to hear. I think that if you are truly confident then there comes a point where you are willing to tell a guy point blank “I’m not getting what I need from you in this relationship/dating experience.” There have been a number of occasions where a man will say to me “why didn’t you say something?’ or “just tell me” because he is truly confused or oblivious to the fact that I am unhappy. And lets face it, some men need you to spell things out for them. Sometimes a mindset is just not enough to relay the message.

Reply September 19, 2013, 3:23 pm

Eric Charles

I don’t disagree with your comment. I don’t think I said anything otherwise… if you think I did, show me where…

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:18 pm


“If you want to get that kind of love and prioritization from him, you have to stop sucking energy out of him and start filling him with energy.” What are some examples to this quote?

Reply September 19, 2013, 7:35 am

Eric Charles

An example:

Guy is stressed at work…

Woman #1 is emotionally unfulfilled in her life and unhappy. She uses the relationship as a crutch to draw positive energy from…

She texts him…

“You haven’t texted me all week… :(”

Now, in addition to the man’s stress, he feels pressured to have to fill her “emotional well” or she’ll be even more upset and unpleasant to be around.

Women #2 makes an effort to find fulfillment in her own life. She is happy and notices that her man hasn’t texted her all week:

She texts:

“Hey baby… haven’t heard from you, you must be having a tough week. Whatever you’re doing, I know you’ll be great… xoxo”

Women #2 is putting positive energy INTO the relationship. She’s being supportive and inspiring to the man she’s with. She’s focused on filling him with good feelings, not on trying to feed some emotional void in herself.

See the difference?

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:23 pm


THANK YOU! I’ve been reading your articles lately and I feel compelled to weigh in because your advice is spot on. I think it’s about being a giving person. If you take an interest in other people and make it a way of life to be generous and supportive to others and not try to always “get something”, it will come back around to you in a good way, including in romantic relationships. And sometimes that may mean putting yourself aside and doing what the guy needs you to do, even if that means giving him space. If you really care about him you’ll want to see him happy so you’ll be supportive without pressuring him, and odds are he’ll appreciate you even more for being his behind the scenes support system. There’s a lot more I could say but I won’t ramble, I’ll just say thanks for writing such clear and honest articles! Please keep them coming!

Reply October 15, 2013, 9:39 am

F Yeah

Although similar quotes to this have come up before, its good to refresh my mind when the going gets tough. No seriously, its refreshing! Thanks to both of you!

Reply November 28, 2014, 7:59 pm


This was very insightful. :)

I’m dating someone with a very busy schedule and I often feel upset when he doesn’t text me as often, or if he doesnt have time for a call (we’re in a long distance relationship). I realise that I’m emotionally quite needy and was using him as a source of happiness when I should have been searching for happiness within myself. I have fears of being rejected, which is why when a guy doesn’t text I’m often strongly inclined to ignore him. I know that’s wrong and will actually destroy the relationship but this comment gave me a solution that wasnt inconsiderate but also lets the guy know that I miss him (without being needy!). Your advice is wonderful. Long distance itself is hard but despite the fights, I still love his company. I realise now that I haven’t been contributing to the relationship to make him WANT to spend more time with me.

Reply January 13, 2015, 6:34 am


I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. I have read countless articles and E-books looking for something like this, something DIFFERENT from what everyone else has to say and I really believe this article hits the nail on the head. I have had issues with forming relationships with men and have been completely self absorbed with any person I have tried to date. I am going to do my best to follow this advice. So again, thank you VERY much.

Reply September 17, 2013, 9:08 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks so much, that means a lot to me.

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:24 pm


Oh Lord Eric, you said it right on cue. Funnily enough this is exactly what I was discussing with my buddies this evening. It isn’t about playing games. It isn’t about playing hard to get. It’s about BEING the prize. It’s about knowing, in your heart, that you have your own life, and you can do what you want be perfectly fine on your own – not necessarily about all the other men that want you, as guys can pick up that tease game, that wannabe-player vibe. When you realize that you are this prize, guys will chase you nonstop. Confidence is the sexiest organ ;-)

Reply September 17, 2013, 3:53 pm

Eric Charles

I’ll tell you what the sexiest organ is…

… kidding. ;) Thank you Ana, I appreciate that.

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:25 pm

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