I’ve been dating this guy for about a month and a half now, and I ended up losing my virginity to him.
We’ve had sex twice now, and the going’s been good, but he’s under the impression that he wasn’t my first even though I told him well otherwise, and he was shocked when I’d originally told him I was still a virgin.
I’m 25 years old (shocking in itself, but I feel his shock had less to do with my age and more to do with my looks), and I’m no idiot about sex– very well-read and informed girl here!– but I was definitely a stranger to it before him, which he thinks is a lie.
It’s really bothering me that he refuses to believe me and has even said he doesn’t know what he can trust about me, especially with the virginity. I don’t think he would have cared whatsoever if I wasn’t a virgin, but he really was my first! Why can’t he just believe me?
This really just comes down to the guy not getting that this is bothering you.
First, he probably can’t believe it. It is very rare. I believe you, but I can’t really blame another guy for being skeptical.
Second, he probably thinks it’s “safer” to just assume you weren’t a virgin. Guys will never put themselves in a position to be played as a chump, and assuming that you weren’t a virgin prevents that (even if he’s wrong).
He doesn’t have a problem thinking you’re not a virgin. He would have a problem if he did think you were a virgin and then found out you weren’t. So in order to avoid that scenario, it’s easier for him to just assume you are like the majority of women.
Third, a month and a half is not long in a relationship. The truth will come out eventually as the relationship goes on. You know the truth because you know the truth.
What he knows is you… for a month and a half. So while the virginity thing might not matter to him, being able to trust you in general does.
The best way to handle this is just to leave the virginity issue alone and be trustworthy. If you are 100% trustworthy everywhere else, then he’ll eventually come around and realize you were telling the truth.
And if he has “trust issues” in general… well… then that’s his issue.
General, virginity is a bigger deal to some guys than others.
Personally, I could care less if a girl was a virgin or not. In fact, there are lots of advantages to a girl having had sexual experiences before she’s met me. One being that she’s seen what’s out there and she doesn’t have any burning curiosity hidden away and waiting to pop out at some later point in our relationship.
There are a small minority of men who are psychotic about the whole virginity thing, but they are actually pretty rare. And they are crazy… they are not people I would want to be around, typically.
Guys understand that a woman losing her virginity is a very important event for her. But… we also assume that any girl past the age of 18 is not a virgin. After 21… it’s a very strong assumption. And at 25… well… I’ve never met a 25 year old virgin.
But at the same time, if you told me you were a virgin I would believe it. Why? Because I’m fine with a girl not being a virgin – as long as she’s not carrying an STD, I’m glad she has some experience and hopefully knows what she likes.
My point in saying all this is that at this moment he can’t believe that you were a virgin. And it sounds to me like the more you argue it, the more it erodes his sense of trust in you.
I would just leave the subject alone for a while and if it is still an issue for you, just let him know that you understand that it’s hard for him to believe, but it’s true and it means something to you and you hope that he’d be respectful enough to appreciate that.
Hope that helps,