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5 Rules to Obey When You Argue

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5. Remember that being sorry is better than being right

Look, I know what it feels like when you are so frustrated with your partner and basically want to wring his neck because you are so right and he is so wrong. How can he possibly not realize how incredibly stupid and wrong he is and how he makes no sense, and you make so much sense it’s insane!

All you want is to prove that you’re right because … you are right! And maybe you are. But when you get locked in this kind of battle you both lose because you become opponents; you’re fighting against each other, and the other person becomes your enemy. And if you’re in a fight, then chances are he thinks you’re wrong, and chances are, he’s probably right. He’s probably a little wrong and a little right, just like you’re a little wrong and a little right.

What will get you to a place of understanding and resolution is to not try to win and prove who’s right, it’s to be sorry that your partner was hurt (even if he was wrong). It sucks to be the first to apologize (and if you’re always the first to apologize that is a sign that something is amiss in the relationship, and it should definitely be addressed because not being able to take responsibility is a major red flag). You don’t want to apologize; you don’t think he deserves it, and maybe he doesn’t. But no matter what, no matter how justified you are, you can still be sorry that he is hurt, or sorry that you said something you shouldn’t have. Because when you love someone, you don’t ever want to hurt him or cause him pain.

In a moment of conflict it may not feel that way, but overall, that’s where you’re coming from (hopefully, anyway). Trying to prove your case won’t get you anywhere. Showing empathy and compassion and owning up to whatever your share in the conflict was will usually get the other person to do the same. Yes, I know it’s annoying to be the bigger person, but someone has to do it; otherwise you’ll forever be locked in a battle of wills, and no relationship can survive in that state.

You can’t win every argument, and some conflicts will never be solved. You just need to respect each other and respect your differences. Part of the reason my husband and I had such a rocky engagement is because we couldn’t get there. The main point of contention was that he feels very uncomfortable with “extravagance,” and he is much more practical and grounded. I am not a big spender by any means, but I am a bit more liberal with money. That spilled into almost every interaction, especially since weddings can bleed you dry. We clashed over the cost of everything: the furniture we’d buy for out apartment, the items in our registry, the cost of my wedding dress. (He just couldn’t understand how one dress could cost so much, while I had to explain that my dress was actually on the cheaper side!)

We were fighting about all these little things, but really the problem was we weren’t respecting the other person’s point of view. I thought he was being difficult and annoying for adding to my stress (which, I’ll be honest, he was!) and he thought I was a spendthrift and didn’t pay attention to budgets. When we got to the root of the issue, we realized that we’re just different in this area and we needed to respect those differences. And somehow, we found a way to make it work. Since we got married, we haven’t had a single fight about money. I learned to respect his mindfulness about budgets and being practical, and he has learned to appreciate that having a nice apartment with nice things really is … nice!


Lots of love,

Sabrina Alexis

Written by Sabrina Alexis

I’m Sabrina Alexis, the co-founder, and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing relatable, insightful articles that help people understand relationship dynamics and how to get the love they want. I have a degree in psychology and have spent the last 10 years interviewing countless men and reading and studying as much as I can to better understand human psychology and how men operate. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.

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Confused & Tired

So, I have been dating this guy for over a year now. We are fifteen years apart. I his junior. I am a mom of two and returning college student and I have a lot going on. We started out great mostly physical attraction, similar beliefs and values and felt we could talk about anything. Well I find out he is into Sadomasochism mildly but I don’t like. My family doesn’t like him that much and I have broken up with him a few times because whenever I need him emotionally he clams up and he appears to have no gentleness or compassion about him. I have asked him for what I need and he thinks I should toughen up but I need a shoulder to lean on sometimes and someone to tell me everything will be alright even if it wont. He cant seem to be that and I also think that will spill over and affect my children in the future if they need him. He has said on many occasions that no one would love me like him and be there for me because I have kids. Although I am told I am beautiful those things that he says affect my self esteem and sometimes I think he might be right. I don’t know if I should leave I admire his strength but not some of the attributes of his character. This is killing me and I am losing the joy in my favorite holiday season. Help please!!

Reply December 21, 2016, 9:21 pm


Do you have any advice on men and snapchat or other social media how to divert his attention so he doesnt always have to be on those sites and always have to hide things from me

Reply August 12, 2016, 1:44 pm


Hi Sabrina, I want you to know that I followed your advice very carefully before confronting my partner with his cheating. I also read another article on here about cheating, and how sometimes it isn’t about me, but about him and how he has some voids he needs to feel.

So I approached him about it, and emphasised that I wasn’t mad, that I just wanted to understand him and perhaps we can both agree to a compromise. He was very honest about everything, I understand that he needs attention from someone other than me which will boost his self-esteem. So I allowed him to continue his ways as long as he doesn’t hide it from me and to be honest, also not to engage them in any sexual activity, even online. He agreed.

However, after a day of this discussion, I still feel like I haven’t forgiven him yet. He hurt me really badly. And yet i’m the one compromising and understanding him greatly. He doesn’t treat me like a partner, rather like a pet who he doesn’t want to upset. So he constantly tries to make me happy but he never expresses what he wants from me.

I’ve expressed this to him, and all he can say is “tell me what to do, I don’t know what to do to earn your trust. Just tell me what to do and I will do it, to make you happy.” This is very frustrating. Because it feels like I’m the only one trying to make this work. I feel like if I don’t initiate anything, the relationship will just die on its own.

Should I leave him? We’ve been seeing each other for over a year.
Please help! Thank you in advance.

Reply June 6, 2016, 1:45 am

Sabrina Alexis

Wow, I really feel for you, that sounds awful. One point I try to emphasize is that all the advice in the world won’t make a difference if you’re with the wrong guy, or a bad guy, and that seems to be the case with him. My advice is to run like hell and get out of this relationship. Believe me, I know how tough it is. I know you’ve put in over a year. You’ve invested, you’ve shared happy times, you know there is potential there….but you can’t go it alone. You need a partner, not a project. You need someone who will also put in the effort to make the relationship work, and someone who values you and want you and only you! If you stay in this relationship it will eat away at your self-esteem, that’s something I can promise you. Walking away won’t be easy but it’s the best possible thing you can do for yourself in my opinion. Hope it helps…

Reply June 6, 2016, 9:47 am

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