Why doesn't he want to spend time with me?

Wow I could have written this myself.. I’m having this same exact problem and have been confronting my boyfriend about it. I just left him about 4 text messages on why he isn’t here with me tonight cuddled up under me. I’m tired of being alone without a man here at night. He talked about moving in with me aswell all his idea. But haven’t made a move yet. Smh I feel like he doesn’t miss me either. If I were you I would confront him on this issue and see if he makes any changes its Better to confront the problems rather than wait around for him to change. Because he probably doesn’t see a problem with it…

You have needs, he has needs. In a relationship we try (within reason) to meet these for each other. It is odd he doesn’t want to see you more, and the phone calls sound to me like he’s simply ‘filling a gap!’ To make his commute more bearable.
I agree, speak to him face to face…though who knows when that will be? Lol Ask him what his needs are regarding time with his partner/girlfriend, what he is comfortable with, what has worked for him in the past, then tell him what your idea, needs from a relationship are. You may just be a bad match, and that’s okay if you can both work something out. But if not then better to know now. After all, what is the point of being in a relationship if you feel unsatisfied, unsure and less than loved???
He may be giving you all he can offer, you have to decide if this is enough or can it change?
My gut feeling with the phone calls was ‘married man’ but you will know more about that than l do. And also, even though its 8 months, his actions are still important. He seems to be saying the right things – but he isn’t ‘doing’ anything is he?
Good Luck.

I think you are doing really well…not blowing up his phone and not talking issues of any kind till you see him face to face. Superb!
You are observing, something most of us women don’t do. I would say give it some more time. He is showing all signs of wanting a future with you. Try and turn him down on the one day he wants to see you and see what his reaction is like. Suggest another day instead.
Sounds like a ‘set bachelor’ who has his life scheduled like he likes it and will only add on activities of his choice…

He’s clueless.

and that’s not a bad thing, some men are just ‘ok’ the way things are as long as your not nagging at them they think we’re ok. the fact that me made mention that you don’t have enough time together i would kinda ride on that, like follow up with “yea your right what do you think or how can we do better in that area” see what he comes back with.

And as Andrea said, if your in his presence he should pick up on your mood or lack of attention somehow to ask you if your alright. We are so afraid to rock the boat that we put our needs and stuff aside while we suffer in silence, that’s not cool.

In my case only been 2months and due to the shared custody of my children I can only see my guy once-twice a week and one weekend a month. He has come to take me to lunch on occasion so that adds a great deal to the mix. But I know he misses me – tells me all the time even when were’ together that he’ll miss when I go. Not a day goes by without some form of conversation even if its about the weather, or what we ate today.

Men and women are not mind-readers, am sure you heard that before and its true, We also don’t need to be nagged and harassed (glad your not blowing up his phone etc). Just hwoever you talk to him do so with love as Leila said and not attack.

Men do what they want. If he has not escalated, it is because he does not want to. I am all for making sane requests, but if this guy is a go home and watch tv guy, that is who he is. Take it or leave it.

He is promising the moon and stars but it is all hot air.

I had a guy do this once. He was long distance and kept saying how we are going to be together, buy a house with a big yard, etc. but he rarely ever came to see me. In fact he even stopped talking to me on the phone but kept blowing smoke up my butt. I finally got fed up and looked for someone in my own city.

In retrospect, the guy was just stringing me along by text and he actually was doing this was several women. It was for his ego. Nothing to do with me.

RUN, RUN, RUN.

This is one of the best threads I have seen on this forum. All the advice/suggestions (so far) are positive and helpful, IMO. I think a lot depends on one’s living circumstances. Me and my guy are 55+. He has always been single, I was married for 25 years, and have been single for 15 years. He and I love our times together, but we also each love our own space and freedom to watch TV, lay on the sofa and take a nap or go out with platonic friends. There was a time years ago when I thought I had to have someone around me all the time–I had a husband & 4 children during that time. Since I have been single (and alone but not lonely), I have become so content with my space & freedom. When I spend time with family or friends, I enjoy it for a while, but I soon become restless to go home to my quiet sanctuary. What I’m trying to say is, don’t take it personally, maybe he is most comfortable alone & needs alone time. If you want to keep him in your life, give him space, & resist the temptation to assume the worst. Above all, focus on the positives! I highly recommend “The Queen’s Code” by Alison Armstrong. Have you ever heard of frog farming? It’s priceless and timeless information.

So when everyone says to “pull away” what exactly to you do? Not initiate calls and texts? Ok, got it. What do you do when he does call or text? Ignore him? Wait an hour before responding? Not respond at all? Then what do you do? Turn down invitations to see each other? Act aloof when you are together? I guess I don’t know what to do when ya’ll give me that advice…

This has been an interesting read. Ive been in a serious relationship for 18 months. His alone time has been a struggle for me. We live 2 miles from each other, we are both in our 50’s and have no children at home. We still only see each other on Tuesday evening about every other week, and usually Saturday evening. We never spend 24 hours together. I have a very busy life, but Ive noticed myself very depressed the past couple of months.. I really dont do anything, but work and come and watch TV. I forget about volunteer commitments, and tend to oversleep frequently which has never been a problem…Here’s my issue… He calls and texts, making promises of things we’ll do over the weekend. Then every few weeks, I’ll get a random text saying, “oh, its been a long week or long day,I just wanna chill today” this is his way of saying, he doesnt want to see me. When I clarify, he tries to make me out as crazy and says that I have friends, i should go do something with them. So this is where I take ownership. I’m embarressed. There is no one in my life that would not be welcomed to come hang out with me and watch TV. I won’t go into details, but its been made clear that I am not invited into his chill time. When he dismisses my feelings, I feel disrespected and embarressed. He does have a lot of great qualities. A great family, he went with me on my dream vacation, we’ve taken dance classes together and met through many mutual friends. But, When I do go out without him, Im always asked where he is. Its hurtful and embarressing…Im seriously thinking this relationship has to be over, but I’ve never allowed myself to love anyone before, but the extreme disapointments followed by embarrassment isnt good for my mental state. If I could do something to make it not hurt, I certainly would.

That’s such a generalisation Nat! You coukd say a lot of guys of any age fantasise about younger women, but you also get a lot of guys who wouldn’t want a younger woman because they know they’d have nothing in common with them. It’s still just the difference between those wanting a genuine relationship and those just wanting to get their end away.

To both the op and Lee, does he call you from home ever? Does he text you goodnight or is it radio silence from the minute these guys want ‘chill time’?

Hi everyone, it does feel really good to read some similar situations to my own.
I’ve started seeing this guy almost a year ago. I’ve had two relationships before that and I am used to be with my friends a lot but spend most of my time with the person I am with.
In the beginning that was it, because I visit my family for a month every 3 months, in the beginning, we used to spend every day together, unless we had plans with our friends. And if I had plans or he had we would both respect that.
He always wanted a serious relationship and I don’t. I said i’d make an effort to try and trust him enough to be in a relationship. He also suggested that we move in together but I don’t think it is a good idea, specially if we haven’t even tried to be in a relationship with each other.
A few days he said we were arguing too much and that sometimes he wants to have his own space. That hurt a lot. He told me not to take things personally, but there is not other way to take it to be honest. We still see each other most days of the week, but i am now scared to ask to go see him cause i don’t want to feel like he doesnt want me there or afraid he’ll say no.
I’ve always been a very positive and surrounded by friends person and the fact that he doesnt want to be with me is ego-threatening and i think it has a tool on how i feel about him.
I don’t understand how can he want a serious relationship and even move in together but want some time on his own. I like having someone to come home to and tell my day and relax. It is frustrating that I have to be scared to ask my ‘boyfriend’ to hang out.
I might be too demanding, but that is what I want. I want to see him everyday, not the whole day but at least in the evening. i dont want him to be with me if he does not want to. I really like him, and he messages and calls a lot. But at the same time i don’t want to have less than i want to. Shall i break up? Shall i just take a step back? And say no when he wants to see me?

Ladies, this thread was started like A year and a half ago. It’s best that you start your own post if you are seeking advice. You will receive better advice and your questions and replies don’t get lost in such a long thread.