Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Will he come back?
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Sam
So yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend. My title might not make any sense, but let me explain. My boyfriend and I started dating in August of 2020. By November, he had told me he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. (Even had told me he wanted to propose in June of 2021 and had a ring picked out) I believed him because, at that point, he’d never given me a reason not to. The next month was complete bliss of happiness. He was my best friend. I told him everything. We ended up being separated for the month of December, really unable to see each other. At this point he became a little different with me; texts didn’t look how they used to, not as frequent, etc. I asked him about it once and explained that his lack of effort was hurting me and causing me anxiety that something was shifting. I asked him if he still wanted to be with and he said yes. He apologized for his actions, taking full responsibility, and promising to do better in the future. Things got slightly better for a week or so until the cycle reoccured all over again. This time when I pointed it out, he said he was focusing on his future and needed to make that his priority for the moment. I understand where he was coming from so I agreed to let him do his thing as long as he was just trying to put in the effort with me. After this, there was no change at all and his texting became even shorter, and the way he spoke to me in person even shifted. Yesterday I finally worked up the courage to ask him what was going on and asked him if he still wanted to be with me. His response was that he loved me and wanted to be with me, but he no longer was sure if He saw a future with me and he is feeling uneasy about the relationship. I was so confused and asked him how long he had been feeling this way. He told me about two weeks. At this, I told him that I could not continue to be treated this way and I didn’t know why we were still together. He said that he did not want to break up but he did not see a future and he wished he did. Naturally, I ended the relationship because I am looking for a life partner so, even though I see it in him, I can’t be with him if he would never want to commit. He was upset but didn’t fight it. I told him that I wanted to be with him and if he ever decided that he did see a future he could reach out to me and let me know. So I guess my question is, was he lying about the future, or did he just change his mind? Do you think he will come back?
Tannni
He will come back. They always come back.
Accept this. Now meditate. . . Do you want him to?
Liz Lemon
The 3-4 month mark is a really crucial time in relationships. It’s the point where most men decide if they really see a long term future with a woman. If you read this forum you’ll find a lot of women who post when they’ve been dating a guy 3-4 months because he starts pulling away, or acting weird, or ghosts them.
You started dating in August and your guy started acting weird in December. That’s 4 months. Unfortunately I think he realized he just didn’t feel “it” with you. He said himself he could not see a long term future with you. There’s not much you can say to that, you just have to accept it.
I’m not so sure he’ll come back. If he’s not feeling it with you, he will move on and date other women. He has no reason to be lying, if he felt you were “the one” why on earth would he lie about not seeing a future with you? If anything he is being totally honest.
I know this hurts, but try to take a lesson from it. It sounds like you took things way too fast with this guy– in 3 months you were promising to spend your lives together, that’s way too quick. The first few months of a relationship are the honeymoon period when everything is rosy, but it’s not necessarily reality. You have to date a person for an extended period to really know them. You have to have difficult moments and go through ups and downs. You said everything was bliss until December; that’s not real life (real life is not total bliss all the time). So you didn’t really know him.
In your future relationships, take things slower. Do not talk engagement or being together forever in such a short amount of time. Enjoy the honeymoon period, but understand that it will end and (should the relationship continue) you will have challenges and struggles to get through as a couple.
Ss
Why would you even want him to come back? He doesn’t see a future with you. You don’t want to be the placeholder for when he meets someone who he does see a future with?!
Leave him be and focus you yourself, focus on healing and moving on. Your gut told you something was off. I don’t think you raising repeatedly helped. It probably made him feel quite pressured. When a man pulls away you should pull away too. Instead you became a bit clingy and quizzed him on his feelings more than once which likely did not help. 3 to 4 months is around the time men start thinking about if they see a future. He wasn’t feeling it and that sucks I know but you’ll be OK.
Lane
I’m going to be blunt with you. I believe your disappointment with him is what triggered the change in his feelings for you. The one thing most men fear is their loss of freedom and autonomy, especially in a relationship. The fact he couldn’t be himself and was feeling “forced’ to contact you because it made you unhappy, is most likely why he pulled back and realized he didn’t miss you as much as he should be missing you.
I don’t know why woman are so demanding in this area? There have been so many of these posts on this topic, where the woman “demands” the man contact her more and he then pulls out. I’ve never once made such a demand on a man. I want the man to contact me because he wants to contact me, if he doesn’t then I just stop contacting him back lol.
Zoe
Your neediness killed this relationship.
You dont tell men everything. He is a stranger to you.
If my boyfriend behaved the way you did I would break up with him too.
Men hates the pressure even more. If you contact him now he will tell you second time he doesnt want you. STOP
What do you do now? You get your life together, seek therapy and start dating other men and learn from your mistake. To recover from neediness you need to cut all contacts with him and let him come to you. If he loved/loves you he will contact you. It may take a year or more but he willAngie
I just want to say… I understand people saying that ‘your neediness killed the relationship’ but honestly I just think that maybe you need someone who can cope with it? I’m needy myself and have done much better in the past in relationships with men who were willing to put the work in with me than having to force myself to be someone I’m not and ‘play it cool’ and pretend them not contacting me doesn’t hurt. Just my 2 cents.
Zoe
There is a balance between your level of neediness and how much he likes you and willing to deal with your neediness. In this case he clearly thought she was too much that he went from marriage discussions to See you Later(or never). And yes, no matter how hot and beautiful and smart you are, your neediness will push a man to wanting nothing to do with you. That is what happened here
sam
So I am the original publisher of this one and I am reading a lot about my neediness killing the relationship and I am not dismissing the fact. Just a few clarifications, if you can believe it, before the mid-December period, he was actually WAY MORE clingy than me. That’s why he’s pulling away was confusing to me. He also went from “you’re the best thing that happened to me” to “you should wear this” “you look weird when you wear that” “I wish you were more normal.” Also, the idea of a future was never initiated by me, it was actually him completely who continually told me he wanted to marry me. Now, after that, I’ll admit my anxiety probably did get the best of me, but I can’t see that being the reason that he became so hostile with me. I think more than any question is how does one just “stop seeing it.” Regardless, I am actually really happy with my decision to end things and I already feel so much of a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Liz Lemon
Sounds like the guy was future faking– trying to force emotional intimacy by rushing things. You can’t force intimacy in a relationship, it’s something that you develop over time, through shared experiences.
Like I said, take this as a learning experience. Guys who get intense really fast tend to bail just as quickly. This guy told you that you were the best thing that ever happened to him and was proposing marriage to you within 3 months– that’s not a healthy timeline.
With guys you date in the future, take it slower. And if a guy gets super intense like this one did, and tries to push things faster than they should go– that’s a red flag.
I’m glad you feel good about it! I think you did make the right decision.
Zoe
It happens to all of us. Good thing you ended this. It doesnt matter that he was needy in the beginning but it matters that you became That needy that he couldn’t handle it anymore.
Newbie
I disagree with Zoë. I know she likes to say this on every post but in this case this was never going to happen which is good news for you. What i do think you did wrong was eating up all the lovey dovey bs early on. That almost always the ammo of an unstable or emotionally unavailable guy. You lost your own brain in deciding whats good for you. Future faker like liz lemmon said. Its a real thing.
And why you dodged a bullet? He went from youre my future wife to critizing your looks and stuff. Very very bad sign. You need to not invest in a guy until the 3-4 months are over. Thats when you see the true colours. So even if your neediness send him packing, i think its for a good causeAngie
I feel like there’s all this blame on women when men lose interest… Sometimes men just lose interest. It doesn’t matter if you’re ‘needy’ or not – they just lose interest. And when men start to pull away, it activates neediness in some women. And it doesn’t matter what those women do – whether they fake being cool or call it out and appear ‘clingy’ – the guy is going to leave anyway. We shouldn’t blame men’s flakiness on women all the time.
Newbie
I agree with you Angie. If you have a guy that sounds all over the moon and in love with for a longer period of time and suddenly something shifts. Of course you are going to ask if something is different. Especially if you havent seen it before What else can you do? I think its always a case of both: guy pulling back triggers anxiety. So a little sympathy is good i think especially if you have experienced it yourself.
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